on fam

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to separate from family deliberately, creating a barrier towards them because of them representing myself as the past – instead of embracing them one and equal as me, embracing myself as the past as a part of me that once was, so I stand one and equal to my past as myself here to not be affected by it in defining myself as ‘who I am’ here, in this very moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as an ungrateful being for not being pleasing my parents or family members with me participating and/or acting as they would probably want me to be – I stop all perceptions and ideas of ‘who they want me to be’ as they have no real meaning or ‘value’ on who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and criticize my sister in my head for her tastes, for her ways of being leading her life and the concerns she’s got in her head, occupying it with her wedding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my family as being vain and deliberately ignorant from what’s going on in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father as a ‘perfect robot’ by the way he supports the system, by the way he lives a systematic life and doing everything he has to do to have everything under control – not realizing that I’ve got this as well, living day by day within an established routine where I try to keep and want to keep everything ‘under control’ – 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for her being too ‘aware’ of ‘how I am looking’ and having her checking me out constantly on how is my body looking etc, she’s just placing her fears on to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a certain complex towards my body because of my mother or sisters always ‘checking me out’ and pointing out things that I ‘own’ that they don’t or vice versa, existing in constant comparison based on physical appearance

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to compare myself towards my sisters in wanting to define ‘who’s better looking’ than the other – and this being supported by our own parents at times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted at times by my mother’s ways on how she wants to control everything, to talk ‘for me’, to justify and sugar coat things so that others don’t see and realize the truth of things when it comes to myself or family or anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop this disrespect feeling towards my family,  in a non-conscious way because of them not being interested at all in ‘becoming real’ but deliberately choosing to remain blindfolded, not caring about life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever define myself as being a burden to my family, because of having to deal with someone that isn’t like them, that doesn’t stick to their rules and ways of being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress this feeling that I developed as a kid feeling a complete outsider in my family, within that withdrawing from them, and finding myself being comfortably numb watching music videos and reading

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my sisters didn’t really want me, that they hated me because of having ‘stolen’ their place, for having ruined the ‘perfect harmony’ they had when being only 4 in the family.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to forget about having cried and feeling sad and sorry for myself in my past as a child because of feeling very alienated from my own family, going then into eventual comparison and creation of a personality that would be defined as the opposite of my sister’s.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having thought or believed and perceived that because of having ‘ruined the family’ as breaking the harmony and perfect relationships within it, I wasn’t a desired child, that I came out as a mistake and that they didn’t even want me to be a woman, but a boy.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for ever having desired being a boy just because of wanting to please my parents dream of ‘finally having a boy’ after two girls – which merely supported the idea of me being kind of ‘boy-ish’ merely to test their reactions – though it was cool as it supported me embracing both genres – getting to understand how boys’ mind work and opening up within my sexual expression as a ‘girl’ the way I saw it was ‘already open’ for males.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define my family members as being inferior, less than me, considering them having to learn from me even though I am the ‘youngest member’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to having a specific relation in time towards my sister’s and my date of birth that define ‘who I am’ within the family construct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for experiencing embarrassment from my family

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge my family members for the way they were ‘so proud of me’ because of the recognition I got throughout school life, because I never considered them as being the direct cause of my development, though never considered their mere support to give me education, a place to live, an appropriate living environment and almost everything I ever asked for just so I could have a ‘good life quality’  – which I’ve taken for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel odd as being defined as ‘their daughter’ as if I am an object of their own, not realizing that this is merely a definition within the system – we are one and equal, no one owns another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judging my sisters for the way they are choosing to live their lives, to direct themselves in means of marriage and finding a stability point where they are able to procreate more humans into this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to severely judge people that is pregnant, that are planning to have a baby because of my consideration that it is completely inappropriate to bring kids into this world, not realizing that they will keep coming anyways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose all desire to speak while in the table because of not having my parents attention in the past towards that which I am sharing, or merely defining me as a ‘coo-coo’ and therefore, not really listening

I do not accept and allow myself to condition my expression though, it is but a moment of directing myself, being clear on the starting point of sharing something, not being to merely trigger their reactions or say something that seems ‘out of their heads’ at this moment – I share myself in common sense and communicate whenever I want to without existing in the automatic self defeat as ‘they won’t listen anyways’ and hinder myself.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as the ‘non important family member’ because of my sisters always ‘being there’ to get the social recognition and me always standing ‘in the back’ as the little one, within this not allowing me to really be equal to them, but always feeling that they were ‘made’ to be liked by people, within this

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try and adopt my sister’s ways for a while while being in puberty because of thinking that I had to get the same recognition they did, that I had to have fun the same ways they did and that I had to eventually ‘grow up and become like then’ never seeing the limitations I was placing within myself in means of trying to fit

I  forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my very first ‘stab in the back’ by my supposed ‘best friend’ at an early age in first years of primary school as her talking shit about me and not talking to me out of the blue, within this feeling that I had to be constantly ‘bettering’ myself to be within their likes, so they could accept or like me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then develop a fear to be recognized or being ‘the favorite one’ in any school situation because then no one would want to be my friend and would consider me as a nerd.

Oh the other day there was this girl at workshop and I take one class with her. She once really only wanted to take advantage of me delivering all the works and asking if we could ‘work in team’ to do the homeworks. I noticed her intentions so I said that I am better working all alone – and the other day as I was explaining my real school situation as not having all the credits I should she said ‘Oh I thought you really were a nerd!’ and that kind of shocked me, it had been so long since anyone talked straightforward to me using the word ‘nerd’ and considering myself one – and I said welll I guess not – but I stopped for a moment there and saw the reactions I had towards that word. It is a word I also feared as a definition placed on myself because, it apparently meant ‘not being cool’ and ‘not ever being able to fit in’ etc – so that’s why for a period in my puberty and early teenage years, I tired to fit, I tried to do what other people my age where – eventually experiencing the usual thing though, mostly being challenging my own created morality system and pushing myself beyond being ‘the nerd’ as defined by some.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed mysefl to be ‘too proud’ of my mental habilities and claiming – in means of defending myself – that nerd meant being reading and studying like crazy, while I didn’t have to do that, within this feeling like a superior being 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to pity someone or anyone that ‘would not know the answer’ and feeling their shame and embarassment as me, instead of supporting them as me here, stopping their fears and limitations – well I wasn’t aware of this at that time, but it’s never too late to go ‘back’ and bring it here and correct myself.

I trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that as long as I remain within the same ‘position’ or place within my family, I am not able to stop myself because of them constantly reminding me as the past – not realizing that it’s not about them and their considerations but about me here in every moment – there is no excuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be keeping a resentment towards my mother because of her having rejected all people I’ve been involved with within friendships or ‘relationships’ forcing me to go hiding and do things without them knowing, of course, creating an even larger separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having allowed myself to grow up within my own creation as ideas of ‘not belonging to this family’ and ‘not belonging in this city’ and ‘not belonging in this country’ as an excuse to create a someone that would challenge the traditional ways of being.

Well this is kind of useful though sometimes the starting point was that of merely wanting to trigger reactions, and it all existed within me firstly defining myself as my family, as my society and ‘world’ where I live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel once again cold blooded for not feeling anything ‘bad’ for not having a certain kind of ‘feelings’ towards my family members at the moment – or maybe I just haven’t realized I do because of being ‘near them’ regularly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and create the idea in my mind that I was mostly picked on by sisters and cousins as a little girl because of being the smallest one and the center of attraction, therefore, connecting the idea that they were really jealous of me therefore, they picked on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared kids my age when I was a kid because of being aware of their ‘bad’ feelings such as self interest and self dishonesty. which I could then see were already similar to the adult world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to swap polarities throughout my life – from being a happy girl to a bitter and depressed teenager, to a confused creation few years ago – 

I embrace the past as me

I embrace my ‘family’ as me being one and equal beyond the bonds we ‘naturally’ have and I stand as myself as placing myself available for support whenever it is required.

 

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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