Dealing with one of my sisters specifically has been the point today ok. I am basically existing in frustration because of my computer not working well and not being able to upload videos… fuck and yes it’s becoming slower but I simply don’t want to restart it as there’s so much shit I have here and it would take long to back up everything. SO I asked her if I could use her pc and after a while she came ranting and just bitching about me being such a mess and ‘unclean’ and not caring about stuff that isn’t mine etc. And this was the kind of rants I would usually get while growing up, and I had forgotten/suppressed that. All the time the eternal problem of me being ‘such a mess’ and listening to my mother or any of my sisters nag on me because of not tiding up my room was almost every day’s bread. I’m in quite some pain in my chest at this very moment probably because of this – I hadn’t really excavated about my relationship with my oldest sister.
She would always blame me for everything I did or didn’t do, and this extended to other family members like if there was anything wrong around, misplaced, or broken, ‘oh it surely was Marlen’ and they would always lay the blame on me, most of the times. And sometimes yes, I had done something which interrupted their scheme of things but some other times they simply supposed I was the one responsible for it and… it’s fucked up having lived with that constant nagging and listening to those ‘exalted requests’ by my mother or sisters do do things. Communication goes around with a pinch of exaltation most of the times around here, like yelling – I am getting tired of this but it’s been ‘the way things are’ around here. Like a subtle kind of constant violence. And this is mostly played out by my oldest sister – I just had a moment with her where she was merely complaining about anything that could came up to her mind on things I do or things I don’t do – yes, I see she’s merely exerting her anger towards myself but in the past she would really offend me and yes back then I would do feel like shit and even more rejected within my family – obviously this was my own acceptance and allowance, to place importance and value to what my sister had to say even though I knew she was speaking out of her own frustrations and anger towards herself. And I have been judging her a lot just by observing the way she is leading her life at the moment and how she treats his future husband and how he allows himself to be treated – complete fuckedupness. Yes she’s the one that has a very tough temperament and lots of complexes to deal with, but somehow she has always managed to lay it all out on anyone that would be just there ‘on her way’
Yes at the moment I can only remember her having made me cry probably several times because of her offending and she’s like my father as well within that They would offend and bitch at you and after a couple of hours they would be like tinkerbell once again, this coming from them speaking without awareness.
My father has also offended me terribly but from an early age I kind of understood this same process of him just laying out his frustrations on to someone, he loves to blame others for what goes on around within him – they both wanted to blame ‘you’ for what they are experiencing – and
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever take any offense and scold and nagging from another as personal, allowing the words to affect myself and feel like scum, that I wasn’t really accepted here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get offended and hurt by words coming out of someone that is merely exerting their anger and frustrations out on someone that is merely there, on their way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having developed this begrudge towards my sister for having told me the worst things possible out of ‘nothing’ and allowing me to take those words seriously, affecting the ‘who I am’ as a family member, as being related to her by a simple family construct.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be offended and hurt by my father’s anger and frustration and scold directed towards myself that lead me eventually to yell at him and cry and feel misunderstood within my house.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to react in such anger and creation of begrudge towards him because of his explosive behaviour at times, instead of realizing that it wasn’t about me, but about himself and the moment he was experiencing within himself which lead him to exert his anger towards me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel attacked by anyone’s words when they have no foundation of ‘being’ as merely being an outlet for their own anger and frustration on to myself.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to then hinder myself and place myself as a victim which is merely accepting that I am being able to be affected by anyone’s words towards myself when spoken without awareness
I forgive myself as my father and sister for having yelled at me because of not being here in awareness when exerting anger as words directed to another, but merely existing in the mind and using words as an outlet to their own experience on someone that is there.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to ever think that what they said they really ‘meant’ and therefore, taking words too seriously and developing a detachment a separation towards my family members because of considering that I created them an experience of discomfort within their lives.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to – within this – lower my self esteem and seeking ‘someone to understand me’ outside of my family, merely involving in relationships that supported me to flee from myself and not face what I was experiencing and developing inside me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be holding a resentment towards my parents when they rejected specific relationships that I tried to make them aware of, therefore, leading me to simply hide from them and keep relationships in secret
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and depressed about my family knowing almost nothing about me, about how I experience myself or what I was going through, not realizing that I created and supported this separation locking myself up to not speak or share about my personal life
About this point well I still wouldn’t be so open towards them, they would only judge and criticize and ask questions that would probably be from the starting point of them being an apParent authority towards myself in means to keep me ‘safe’ and ‘get the best for me’. Lol we all know that the family construct and parental authority is complete bullshit – and they aren’t willing to place themselves as being one and equal and stop playing their role towards myself – and I better just glide along that because I see it as something difficult to just erase from their ways of existing towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consider me as someone that is ‘suffering’ because of the way my sister treated me at times, not realizing that it was my own acceptance and allowance to see her words as being able to harm or affect me in any way whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judging her and tagging her as being bitter, frustrated and tired towards her own self and using her relationship and future marriage just as an ultimate escape of herself, which isn’t possible anyways.
I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this feeling of disgust towards her and the ways she’s leading her life, living out of what ‘she owns’ and trying to fit into social standards within her looks and what she owns and what she does
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever declare that she decomposed herself when entering into university and forgetting about her real nature, stepping into a world where ‘the way you look is the way you’re treated’ and basing her life currently upon wordly desires and traditions and manners that support enslavement of people within the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my sister as being ridiculous for what she wears or does in means of being ‘original and cool’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience embarrassment of her towards her boyfriends, because of existing in the sister relationship in fear of them thinking that I am the same way or ‘runs in the family’ or something, within this trying to mantain the ‘who I am’ in opposition to my sister’s reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my sisters for existing in polarities: one of them being a controller towards her partner and the other one being too submissive towards her husband –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my sisters because of them never actually having listened to anything I shared with them with regards to relationships, not realizing that each and every single being has to walk their process alone and only support when required.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build frustration out of my family never really paying attention to me and applying the things I say because of them wanting to keep themselves in a ‘light lifestyle’ not having to worry about themselves and facing who they are and have become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then consider themselves as being ‘less’ than who I am because at least I am willing and am standing up to face myself, and they aren’t – creating only a separation by my own definitions and understanding because I am one and equal to them and I have to embrace them as myself so that I stop any and all judgment existent towards them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated or fed up with them wanting to over protect me, fearing that I go out in the night alone and fearing that something ‘might happen to me’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think that It would’ve been cool to just disappear from this world as committing suicide so that they didn’t have to struggle with me or pay for my living support or disrupt their ‘nice bubble’ with my comments and attitude.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place a value, worth and meaning to any and all considerations coming from my parents or sisters that judged and criticized ‘who I am’ never realizing that nothing of that was ever real as being the actual truth of themselves or myself, but merely system reactions as ‘who we are’ within our ideas, perceptions, opinions and personality of ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticize and judge my sister for being selfish without seeing the selfishness that exists within me
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that all that which bothers me is me as well, therefore, I stop participating in reactions of what anyoen or anything may say or do towards myself because then I am merely supporting the existence of self abuse, self judgment and constant separation created by mere ideas, beliefs and perceptions of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having placed and created a ‘separate bad’ so to speak towards my family within my embracing all as one process, defining them as being the beings that I have to separate myself from first because of them representing the blueprint existing in me as a personality, as a definition within a family context. And this is separation, this is denying what exists within me, what I am and what I will become If I don’t stop myself first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge my parents for being talking about what I considera as unimportant things, of being judging and talking about others therefore feeling ashamed of having been born within this, not realizing that they are merely playing their characters which isn’t who they really are for real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created an idea and perception of me being a drag towards my parents, making them spend much more money to sustain me within this, fearing creating them conflicts and considering my life as not being ‘worth living’ – yes stupid thoughts but I did got to such conclusions at some point in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resentment towards my family for words that were spoken without awareness, for moments of them exerting their anger and blaming it all on me – I stand and take responsibility for all I create and have created and accepted within this and I am not willing to support any and all reactions within myself if the situations repeat.
I do not accept and allow myself to place worth and value on to what they might think or believe about me, to judge or question my decisions or current application within my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be showing myself as being fed up or frustrated or angry when being around them which merely keeps me up in thoughts of why I have to be in such a mood, instead of being here as breath where no-thing moves but only the breath as me as Who I REALLY am
all the rest is just not real.
Besides all and everything they might think, do, believe, perceive, judge and create opinions on – they are life as one and equal with me here so I embrace them as who they really are and forgive themselves as me for any and all harm caused by words spoken in unawareness.
I breathe through all contact and communication with my family, I walk and stop all reactions within me that lead to compound memories of what I’ve experienced and lived getting me to a ‘fed up point’ which is merely declaring that I am not here as breath but in the mind as memories and past holds on to the resentment towards them created by my own will.
OK- pressure in chest is a bit relieved now. Breath is just the only ‘thing’ that stabilizes while facing people like my sister some hours ago while she is yelling and cursing and bitching at me. I stand still and breathe and watch my reactions – then write them out – and here’s the result of that.