Through this process of Self Honesty and realizing myself in moments of seeing the actual deception I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become as a belief, a construct, an idea as ‘personality’ etc. I’ve seen how I created and manifested those events in my life that ‘helped’ in the process of becoming ‘me’. Just as those ‘chances’ and ‘coincidences’ of meeting people unexpectedly that later on, played some role in your life – either I adopted some of their thinking structures or likes or beliefs – all in all I’ve realized MY creation as Myself as my personality. Taken all that I liked and admired from others and merged it altogether in a mix I called ‘myself’, my personality, ‘my specialness’ lol ‘my precious’. Yeah and we all did that, wanting to be special, wanting to have this ‘unique purpose’, wanting to ‘not fit into categories’ never realizing the obvious within this – everyone wants to be special, everyone indeed wants their 15 minutes of fame and everyone in the end gets fucked up by the nature of the System we’ve created in itself. I mean, really, are we so deaf and blind to see why there were always this ‘ups and downs’ within our experiences, why when ‘everything was going so well’ suddenly there’s this huge ‘bump on the road’ that makes everything go downwards just so we now have to place more effort and worry and concern (read Energy here) to get us ‘back on track’ as the apparent stability we think we are meant to live – yet deliberately participating in polarity manifestations/structurs/definitions.
THis is how important it is to live the words – some words will fade as they will not be of any service anymore, as they served ‘the old ways’ from the time patterns were copied and followed. WE are the transition and if we are standing up to the System, we begin within the simplicity of speaking, communicating and applying ourselves. Yes indeed, this system was so ‘intricate’ and so specifically placed/infused that it would’ve almost been impossible for anyone to see the obvious going on, because when we are busy trying to survive in always – meaning from simple processes like ‘being accepted in society’, ‘getting on the ‘right’ path’ – to basic survival activities as working, getting food, etc. within an individualized buble, we cannot see beyond our nose and therefore, we deliberately chose to forget about ‘the other one’ there somewhere in this Earth having no food to eat, or getting raped while I am here just peacefully writting in front of my pc. Stuff like that –
It seems quite hilarious to me that there is people resisting so much to give up their programs, lol! resisting to give up their ms-dos because ‘oh they took so long programming themselves’ – fuck that! I know this first hand because after two days of seeing Desteni videos for the first time I immediately went through a breakdown of ‘what the hell am I supposed to be now?!!" because of existing within this pattern/idea of ‘having this major purpose in life’ just like a system a program – specific tasks to be accomplished, ‘oh no! how could I ONLY be that? breathing only??" – this is the extent to which I had disregarded life within myself. I mean I would ‘become aware’ of the breath while trying to mindfuck myself while ‘meditating’ and whenever I wanted to calm myself down – but beyond that, the consideration of being the breath of life was overlooked.
Why people resist to seeing what Oneness and Equality really means when practically applied and lived? Because it entails giving up themselves, who they are, their ‘triumphs’ and ‘demises’, their ‘oh so precious life experience’ – refusing to see the fact that it all was a big play out where each designed the character to play, the role to play. THis, though, was quite obvious within me when seeing people. I could determine ‘what they’re like’ according to certain patterns that would show immediately – this is how programs are predictable – life isn’t. But my own acceptance was getting into the social game of designing me a personality, oh yeah, I did spend time on that until I considered that I had ‘tasted enough’ and merely kept certain ‘attributes’ from these personality exploration I did and then adapted and adopted them into the configuration of what I am at the moment as a personality – slowly but surely – currently peeling the layers to see the truth behind the costume, the masks, the cover ups, the fake.
Any and all resistance to give myself up that existed quite strongly in the past is vanishing- this has been sort of my experience for at least the last week or so – a letting go – and even testing myself with confronting myself with that which mattered at some point to me, towards that which I had strings attached as ‘part of who i am’ – oh yes I got to be very aware of myself saying ‘ok I think I’m now ‘done’ – being aware of me being the architect of my own personality, of creating myself and finding this to be ‘the most normal process on Earth’ – never never taking into consideration the actual ‘reality’ of what i was doing – or the consequences of it –
Of course, I’m working with disengaging myself from the fears I thought myself to be with regards to my own self, my own physical body, and my own mind – facing that which I deem as ‘fucking ridiculous’ existing within me – and forgiving the points because then It’s me stepping forth, I have to be actually grateful that I am able to see the deception in the moment and not mindfuck myself in participating in it like I used before.
Such a huge change!
I got a call from the ex-boyfriend. he was concerned about me asking if I was still in mexico city, etc. While talking to him I stopped all resistance to talk with him, had no inner movement of energy in any way and that was cool. Made clear that I’m alright and that he shouldn’t worry – of course he’s quite stuck within memories and ‘who I was’ for him within his ‘life’. I mean, I have seen in self honesty so much shit from that relationship that I had deemed as ‘great and profound’ in the past’ now, that the specialness of it -and him eventaully – just vanished, disappeared and therefore, what remains is him just another being –
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to follow ‘society’s rules’ in means of creating and developing a personality for myself just because ‘everyone else did’ therefore, following others instead of seeing what I was busy doing – creating a character out of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be ‘one conscious being’ in the past without realizing that this simple consideration was part of a program as well, because I wasn’t living the words as i was merely playing out a character that I am still dissolving within me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to find it ‘normal’ to shift characters and personalities and defining it as ‘human nature’ without realizing that each personality/character had a specific task and placement within this world according to that which I wanted to be and become – therefore participating in the process of individualization of ourselves within limited perceptions as personality, as a ‘who I am’ and ‘what I want to be’ – never seeing the actual process of enslaving myself to an idea, an opinion a structure of beliefs and thoughts as ‘myself’ I was creating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the simplicity of who I really am in means of pondering and praising ‘my creation’ as my personality, as my ego – yet preaching that I was ‘against’ people who did this very same thing as praising themselves and being proud of their personality.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define me as being ‘part of the difference’ in my life while defining and identifying myself with people that I deemed as ‘uncommon’ and ‘unusual’ to that which was mostly around in society, without realizing that we as self defined and self created ‘uncommon’ and ‘unusual beings’ were part of the system as another design, the ‘anti design’ that is still a design – never realizing this because of not considering what Life really IS.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being like any other being because of the character and role they were playing in the society play. Never realizing the obvious separation created in means of defending and being accountable within beliefs, ideas, perceptions, prejudices and all mental processes that weren’t real at all.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear being ‘one and equal’ because it meant losing all that which I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the idea of ‘an artist’. – not limiting myself here anymore!
Ok, so …cool – working on translations and walking, breathing, feeling the wind go by that’s amazing, simplicity is just coolness.