Spent the day at home and began a painting for my sister’s house as we had agreed when she gave me some money for my ticket to SA. I got quite frustrated about it because she wanted something specific -not something that I did out of my expression – and I really didn’t want to keep painting – lol yeah pain-thing and it did cause fucking reactions and I went back into the point of ‘what the fuck, I got into some school to do this and I’m not even able to do this as ‘job’" – so there you go, fell into my own crap and thinking – oh well I’m not even able to get this done properly, and: it’s a painting. Then realized what kind of lame situation I was creating for myself where I even cried as things are kind of ‘compounding’ around here.
There’s this fucking pandemia threat all over – most of the people are in their homes as if it was ‘vacation’ minus the fun part. The economical situation is getting a bit tight because, if industries and companies close – there’s eventually a stop in the money flow and my father’s business of course gets directly affected – and there’s already some concern about that. And other situations with regards to analyzing how much my father spends on me being studying in mexico city and seeing all the comfort I got there and being alone – because of not wanting to have a roomate again, etc – and then there’s this big question mark with regards to this virus and basically fearing not being able to get out of the country – and other shit going on. Money is quite an issue, feeling completely powerless because of not having any money that is completely mine and therefore, not being able to support myself by myself. And then I have to be here and I’ve become so used to having my own place to be at peace and quiet and alone – and being in the same house with my family for a week has been quite a ride at times – although it’s not about them really, it never is – is all about myself and mostly because of being so used to being alone now. Fuck, that is definitely going to change in some time. Well I leave in one month here and there’s nothing to do but see what happens with this virus going on and ‘hope’ that there’s no problem in making it there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel so powerless and worried about money at this moment because of seeing how the whole world is walking through an inevitable collapse
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘collapse’ today as feeling locked in, powerless and frustrated for not being able to pull things out accurately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and exist within fears with regards to me being able to leave this country in one month time without any delays or problems.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be existing in a fear of a future moment that isn’t here as I breath, not realizing that I cannot do anything about it but stopping the worry, concern and anguish that is being fed by the media as events develope here. I embrace whatever the outcome is –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being more wealthy so I could support Desteni unconditionally – fuck it’s fucked how it all fucking boils down to fucking money
(yeah like a saying here: with money even the monkey dances)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so frustrated as considering myself uncapable of painting something that isn’t coming out of myself as an expression but it’s a recreation of something specific that is being required to be done – within this limiting myself and existing in certain mindset of ‘what I am able to do/ what I’m not able to do) instead of seeing that it is part of my ‘job’ at the moment to do this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel so silly when being crying over things compounding this morning, feeling ’empty’ not realizing that there’s nothing to be empty of.
It is fucking strange to observe mysef because even as I am aware of the origin of such worries and concerns and preoccupations, they still affect me in a way and I got in quite a frustrated/bad mood while trying to paint these leafs the exact way my sister wants them. felt so uncapable of doing it, although I knew I was limiting myself I was still whinning about it. Then judging myself for being worrying about such a petty fucking thing – and how we tend to follow this because ‘it is what is happening to you – this is the actual moments when I know I’m not standing and I remain stuck and get into justifications of simply ‘not being in the mood’ which is of course, identifying me with a ‘certain time’ where apparently I am then able to get everything done accurately and nicely and whatnot – all mindfucks, yes.
So I flee from myself today – painting because i wasn’t breath-painting expressing myself – instead I was very fucking focused on the eventual outcome of it ‘working’ within my sister’s desired outcome, then water color painting for some ‘homework’ from school, then watching old music videos from my tape collection – which is merely participating in past nostalgia – and checking some of the old shit I’ve got in drawers and boxes, getting rid of useless stuff…. everone’s beginning to feel quite trapped within their houses and they’re getting bored. I don’t get bored, that doesn’t happen but I tend to feel that ‘I always have to be doing something ‘of worth’ – and I rarely allow myself to slack around – so today I kind of did that, slacked around – even slept after lunch and well…. but eventually end up feeling quite hollow and shallow as having done nothing of support here – or so it seems though I face myself with that which I ‘think’ I don’t get – like frustration when not being able to do things as I would ‘like’ them to be, the painting was the example – yet it’s all so meaningless, nothing of the human matters matter – only Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as energy and feeling ‘down ‘ as thinking that I need more rest or time-sleep or anything else in order to feel ‘100% here’ and not feeling tired or sleepy or weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I always have to do something ‘of value or worth’ in order to consider taht I’ve ‘done’ something during the day – therefore placing me within certain values and worth according to what I do and what I don’t do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected within my stability here by the way everyone else is feeling with regards to the swine flu and how it is spreading around, instead of remaining in breath in every moment, not participating within that and feeling discouraged and powerless to do anything about it – there’s nothing to do but to not participate in fear. That’s about it.