Yet another dead animal I encountered. This little dead bird I found on may 1st early in my morning walk when being in home city. At first I only took the pictures and kept on walking, eventually remembered the butterfly and knew I had to take him back on Earth, I wasn’t going to leave him on the sidewalk like that – earth goes back to earth – so I did. Dug a small hole next to a tree and with a paper cup, I took him there. It is always odd carrying dead bodies – life isn’t there per se, yet it is still life in a non-breathing way. It is made of the same stuff everything else is. —- well, these are my ‘near death experiences’ with seeing little dead animals on my way.
I’ve been facing my own ‘death’ in a way with the whole ‘swine flu’ thing, stopping classes going back and forth because of this and basically confronting the actual events that are taking place within my life, which certainly require self direction – which I am doing –
It certainly is closing a period as I know many things will change – so within this I’ve been within a state of ‘letting go’, being letting go of things and environments which have defined me.
Within these weeks that I spent my time amongst ‘my family’ I’ve certainly realized that there’s no actual ‘bond’ within and towards my family, there never was. I mostly pretended and I’ve been remembering all those ‘happy birthday letters’ and ‘cards’ I made or happy mother’s whatnot and happy father’s whatnot cards – they all were done and I bought gifts because of wanting to please them within that which they were expecting to get from me… because of seeing my sisters participating in that. It’s silly really because even If they knew how I stood towards those consumerism days, I still gave them something – well I certainly can’t remember what I did last year, not that it matters really. The point is seeing how I fucked myself with ever thinking that I ‘loved’ my mother or ‘loved’ my father – nope, I was mostly just thankful towards them for what they’ve done and still do so I can survive in this world. I never really had a ‘loving mother-loving father’ relationship, nor was I ‘near’ to them – I once was with my mother, but that stopped when I began having friends and spending most of the time out of my house.
So having been these days in my house – not having school – was quite a test, stopping the usual frustration and certainly speaking up when the dishonesty was obvious as me not standing being amongst people that are judging and living off criticizing other’s lives. I’ve never felt ‘in place’ within my family, but it’s all about not participating anymore – I have spent over a year trying to ‘make them see’ and that’s useless, fucking useless if they aren’t willing to see. So, as has been said: it is dishonest to try and change someone I was doing that one year ago probably with most people around me. THat doesn’t work, I can only change the experience within me- within that, standing for all as one.
I haven’t been complicating my life that much lately, mostly focusing in leaving things done in school and everything ‘in place’ so I may leave in peace + lol. Well yes, been fearing that mexico closes borders and frontiers and declares a quaratine so no one is able to leave the country
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create and exist in a future projection as fear of not being able to leave the country due to a possible ‘quarantine’ if the virus gets more effective in killing people here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful because of what mexicans have experienced in other countrie’s airports due to the virus apparently having ‘originated’ here in mexico –
So here there are some hygyienic mesures that are being taken to reduce the risk of infection, though, fuck knows where this is going to get and certainly, with all the videos and Bernard’s discussions – I’ve come to accept and realize the fact of the inevitable. Certainty of death is here, that’s the only ‘common place’ that exists – let’s take into consideration that everything is specific and that within this, one has to be wiling to do what is necessary for Life to do the clean up, for life to be born in the physical. Fuck, there isn’t really anything else that ‘matters’ but that, self realization, live here as the physical. The rest is just bullshit really – and this is the only certainty within me: doing all I can to support within this process – there’s nothing else. Events, situations and people have proven to me that it’s just ridiculous to abide towards something that will certainly fade once we’ve stopped the lie we’re currently living – and mutually supporting – within the system WE created and we’ve participated in so nicely, playing out the characters according to what we thought we were.
What I’m seeing is that there are certainly people standing up within themselves, even with apparently insignificant events, they are realizing more and more of what is it that’s going on within themselves – and the world around.
A particular experience I had today was with this workshop mate. Lol yes well, she sat near me most of the times, we communicated at times but there wasn’t anything really ‘profound’ within that. I had certainly noticed that she was playing out certain character due to her environment, her friends, her boyfriend etc. She once confessed that she saw me as being ‘femenine’ – yes, lol I did laugh – and that she didn’t feel that femenine and she asked how old I was because she thought that she had to beging dressing a ‘certain way’ when getting to an older age – yes, crappy info people get within those ‘girly magazines’ – so in that moment I just cleared the bullshit and suggested she stopped even taking into consideration what that kind of publications have to say towards anyone – pointed out that one has to wear whatever the fuck we want as long as we’re comfortable within that. People STILL place a certain amount of attention towards ‘what you wear’ – like I get these definitions towards ‘what I wear’ which I’ve certainly cleared within myself. Like some see me as ‘femenine’ just because I wear skirts – lol – and this is an outflow of my past starting point of using/wearing skirt, not anymore, though this is how I am able to see how people are so systematically created even when seeing a certain piece of clothing and placing definitions on to that – never even taking into consideration the actual comfort within it – anyways, I know these topics are rather shallow, but I’m sharing this as that simple suggestion I made few weeks ago lead to this other conversation today.
She opened up and said – without looking to me directly – that she had realized that ‘security’ is a the problem with her, like not being secure within herself. This merely confirmed what I had already observed within herself so I had a cool chat with her pointing out stuff that I’ve practiced within myself – specifically the ‘diy flagging points’ like placing the ‘me’ in the center of a page’ and then taking out points to that which we’ve placed definitions on to directly linked to ourselves. Discussed some of my experiences – because she pointed out that she would also like to go somewhere else to travel and do some volunteer work, but she’s ‘afraid’ of leaving her bf and stability – so I simply suggested that she took the opportunity to go and explore – if she’s able to – because no one else will suggest her to do that, that she has to make the decision and direct herself. I shared how I had, in the past, placed myself as being unconditional to certain beings which actually stopped me from doing ‘my own thing’ and that I eventually regretted that a lot when seeing what I had actually allowed myself – yes mostly what I’ve shared in here the past year – and she seemed to be grasping everything, and to me is just cool being able to place myself as another human being – one and equal to her – and share experiences and push to become ‘free’ in terms of not being attached to anything or anyone from her world, so she can actually see who she really is beyond her little world, daring to go beyond the security of her environment and being alone within a different environment and different people – lol it’s cool that once I had told her to breathe when she got quite hectic on stuff – and she just suggested someone to breathe because of — i don’t know what, lol – but that’s cool! Talking with her with regards to my upcoming trip and what I’ll be doing kind of pushed her to see that one is able to do something like that and face ourselves.
yes it’s been quite a support being living alone here to disengage from myself as’who I am’ within a family or certain friends, etc. It is the actual stability HERE, lol wow, I used to be living ‘up’ for somethign or someone else, placing my actual beingness outside of myself. That’s what I shared with A, this girl from the workshop, that self confidence is being able to be and remain stable no matter with whom or where you are, you are always here – because anything that might ‘disturb’ such stability comes from thoughts as beliefs, ideas, perceptions, judgments, usually coming from the mind that interprets the situation, that assesses it all according to preprogrammed shit to keep us in FEAR of ourselves and others. Lol she eventually said: ‘hey marlen, would you like to be my therapist?’ lol i just laughed and simply said that she’s able to talk with me whenever she wants. As simple as that.
I used to be ‘mean’ to girls like her that I saw as ‘insecure’ and then trying to be ‘like me’ lol, yeah that happend several times in my life and I would get so pissed off everytime, never actually understanding the point within it. I was never standing one and equal towards them, but in superiority therefore defending ‘myself’ as wanting to remain being the ‘self confident’ one, never taking them into consideration within THEIR experience. Though there certainly has to be an openness to discuss this things openly, and as I’ve said, some people are having this experience of ‘opening up’ within their experience and sharing it. I see that most will definitely hinder themselves and never actually share themselves in fear of what.. same shit: judgments, opinions, ideas or ‘how they will THEN be perceived by that person with whom they are sharing their stuff with’ – it takes self honesty in every moment meaning, not to judge no matter what the discussion is about, unconditionally hearing here as me. Then we’re able to walk together. That’s cool. This is one of the things I enjoy most and that I consider worth living for: sharing myself with others and being able to maybe plant a seed of awareness so they are able to water it and see what grows from that.
I insisted on facing ourselves no matter what, even if what we see within ourselves is something we don’t like – then we self forgive – These kind of communication and encountering with beings really make me realize that there are still people that believe or ‘fall’ in the usual and common place-traps for example – belonging to a certain group of friends or people based on what you wear and shit like that.
One thing is certain: I wouldn’t have been able to share what I shared and speak what I spoke If I hadn’t lived through similar shit myself, it comes from the actual living application of what I shared, and that’s what she ended up saying : now I have to place that in practice.
Last saturday a dog followed me as i was on my way downtown, he followed me for like 15 blocks! lol I went speaking with him, he was hungry and thirsty, was quite hot so I told him I would take him somewhere he could have some water, and I decided I would buy him a meat taco to eat. Lol was so weird him following me, crossing the streets and all behind me… I’ve never had such an experience before. Took him to a park where he drank from some rain puddles, and then took him to where I bought the meat taco and she gladly devoured it. Then I though ‘oh well now that he’s gotten food, he’ll just walk away’ but nope, he kept following me for some more blocks until I went through crowded places and eventually, he got a bit confused with so many people and we ‘lost’ each other.
Anyways, that was one of the cool experiences I had last week –
I hadn’t written because I had been facing my own ‘fear of death’ and assessing my own shit towards that and the virus around, I know fear is shit and there’s no point in sharing ‘oh I fear getting the virus’ so… yep.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a ‘superior place’ comparing myself towards other people that I deemed as being ‘insecure’ because of considering that they ‘wanted to be like me’ because they saw myself as being ‘self confident’ – not realizing that this was all my perception of the situation, never even knowing if this was so or not
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to separate myself and exist within selfishness because of not considering those people that experienced themselves as ‘insecure’ and standing one and equal as them and communicate about it, and instead go into rejection towards them because of them attempting to ‘be like me’ in certain ways.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel so vexed within anyone trying to ‘be like me’ because I felt that my ‘originality’ and my ‘uniqueness’ was threatened within that, never consdiering the actual starting point within such beings to try and gain self confidence from ‘being like another one’ – which wouldn’t be the ‘answer’ anyways yet, I never took this into consideration and instead , spited them in means of ‘remaining myself and only myself as ‘who I am’ within the character I so specificaly shaped and created to ‘be’ like a courageous and strong woman.
I forgive myself that I never took into consideration placing mysel fin the shoes of people that felt insecure within themselves therefore, taking someone else as a some kind of ‘role model’ as a desired experience within self to be ‘apparently ‘as ‘self confident’ as someone else based on how and what a ‘self confident’ person seems to be like.
Again, I wouldn’t consider myself self confident, because I used that image and character in order to hide my own insecurities as well. Just another polarity point, not real, was a huge mask I developed up until few years ago. And this even today lead me to see how I’m standing within this. Definitely a shift in taking such being into consideration AS myself, as my experience and being able to stand up along with her with a simple chat.
That’s about it.
enjoy breathing here as we are. Thanks
Whole series at: http://www.milklatte.blogspot.com