I had a dream tonight where I was inside a huge tall building that I had ‘built’ myself. I experienced an amazement with regards to seeing the solid structures and placing of the bricks that helped sustain such great height. I climbed stairs as I was going to the top. Suddenly a mate from the workshop was there and encouraging me to keep climbing up to the top because there was something going on within the whole situation: the ‘building’ was going to be demolished/destroyed. It was already surrounded and many men as soldiers or people from security government action teams were there, checking the whole building. As we were climbing up some were throwing hand grenades around us, yet they didn’t detonate there. This mate wanted me to basically ‘see’ the whole building as ‘my creation’ right before it would be no more. The image I remember vividly is getting to the top and realizing it was indeed a very tall building and that the over lapping of the building’s stories created within this space created in the middle of it around the stairs, an almost-infinite like look, almost fractal-like. And I was quite amazed of ‘my building’ – but I didn’t experience any desire to keep it or resisting to ‘lose it’ as it was about to be destroyed. My mate encouraged me to ‘jump off’ through this space in order to ‘free-fall’ from the top to the ground. I did this, lol it’s interesting how I didnt’ hesitate much or was afraid or anything – and in the moment of actually knowing I was free-falling, I woke up.
I have been pondering around the actual ‘building’ of myself within my world, my current ‘allocation point’ within the matrix as being in art school and having spent there already 3 years working, ‘paving my way’ in means of just doing my thing in order to get some ‘recognition’ out of it within the same system. I noticed that the ego as myself resisted a bit on ‘giving up’ all of this at first because I have already ‘gained’ some recognition, position just because of placing effort and hard work and enthusiasm in what I have been doing this last school year, which is working in etching workshop. People were already praising my works and I was sort of being told that I will ‘surely’ get a ‘promotion’ to get to the ‘advanced’ workshop next year, etc. People were already ‘grasping’ what my work is about – which is directly linked to standing up and realizing ourselves as part of this world AS the world itself and taking responsibility of ourselves as creators…
All of that boiled at a point the other day because I saw myself as actually being quite ‘recognized’ and ‘praised’ and possibly ‘taken into consideration’ for further work within this – and what I mean is that my mind resisted for a moment to give this all up, but then quite quickly I should say, realized the implications of the ego within this. Wanting to preserve itself around a such ‘hard working-self made’ building as the Building of myself – my personality, my work, my art, people knowing me, people liking/praising what I do, becoming ‘known’ for my work – etc ah! not to mention the actual expectations I had created and others as well around these points as well. This has been the ‘pattern’ within my life, though this time it is certain that I am willing and ready to give it all up, this means, to destroy/demolish and dynamite this building even though it seems to be very ‘tall and stable’ – and I’m literally jumping off of it, because I know it’s not real. It’s a construct and all constructs will fall – who I really am isn’t that building. I have created that building of myself through self definitions, ideas, beliefs, perceptions and yeah I can’t deny it, actual working – yet I know this is just quite a test to keep me bound to ‘myself as the idea of me’, my ‘role’ within this – eventually leading to fulfilling my then initial desires within the art world as gaining a position, being recognized (which translates in ‘gaining power within this particular sphere of society) and then, be able to influence others in what I deemed then as ‘good means = spreading ‘the truth’ that I was so sure I would find on my way.
So to give this building of me up, means to be able to break the illusion of myself, of ‘who I am’ which wasn’t ever real but only a script being played so delightfully by myself –
For some weeks now I have been feeling ‘ready’ to let go – this dream was like the ‘playing out’ of this – I was flabbergasted at what i had built – yet experienced minimal (almost non-existent) ‘pain’ to let go of it, of ‘my precious’ – lol, so that was cool.
It’s such a ‘stepping up’ within me because one of the first experiences as reactions I got when encountering with Desteni Videos and material was to realize that: nothing of what I had been up unto this point, was real. That was the point that lead me through and eventual ‘breakdown’ where my world fell apart and literally experienced a huge ‘pointlessness’ and wanted to die because of seeing no purpose – lol – why? This was the ego resisting to realize the illusion of itself, that all that I had worked so hard to create – just like this tall, stable, huge building in the dreams – wasn’t real, and was able to be torn apart in a second – just like in the dream I knew it was going to be demolished.
So the point is who I experience myself within this ‘demolishing’. At the beginning of process I felt like dying, really, falling apart into pices, all was meaningless, useless, seemed ‘too much’ and wanted to give up – lol I experienced that for like 2 days in quite a ‘heavy way’ -then I managed to understand that this whining came of the mind itself and not me as who i really am. THEN I was able to begin the commitment to myself for the first time. That was it.
And now, after having worked within this for a year, the experience is changing. Embracing whatever comes in means of standing up.
See within the experience I have in my world I know and realize that we get tempted through such ways of ‘gaining power/recognition’ and abilities to actually make the world ‘spin around us’ – which in essence stems from the desire to be ‘someone’, to be ‘like no other’, to get ‘up to a higher position’ within our society/world – all self interest, all self-created, all self-deception and delusion that keeps us trapped as how we exist now.
There’s no turning back – the only certainty is to stand up and do whatever it takes until this is done – we are here, we ain’t going anywhere, we have to stop and face ourselves even if it’s literally ‘the last thing’ we do on this Earth. Because we’ve already deluded ourselves ENOUGH within this process of building our ‘oh so precious egos’ our shit, our mind, our needs/wants/desires taking only ‘me, me and me’ into consideration.
I’ve been noticing a change in people around me. Some are definitely seeking ways to stand up within themselves and others are like deluding themselves even more than before, literally trapping themselves within their minds and ideas of self.
I was pondering yesterday that when an ‘Idea’ of self began, separation began. This is the extent of the delusion we live in by our own ‘choice’ – I see what people around my age are ‘into’ these days – parties, sex, drugs, alcohol, sex, drugs, parties, gossiping…- I wonder if they ever stop to think what the hell is it that they’ve become, what they are really talking about and what they are participating in.
I see the madness we’re living in – and how people deliberately spite another, even in casual conversations while engaging in unnecessary statements that come from a great disconnection from themselves as here, literally spewing poison out – I hear how parents scold their children in means of wanting them to be static robots that do not disturb their life – why on earth do they fucking bring them anyways if they are going to be shouting and scolding and pulling their hairs out about them? I see how children copy parents paterns and within this, perpetuating the abuse of self as life – there is no fucking regard to the words spoken, there is no fucking consideration to those that they are talking about, there is no fucking consideration of themselves as Life. Probably when they realize that there’s actually blood running through their veins it will already be in vain as they will have already depleted themselves and everything else around them. AND the fucking only truth within this is realizing : they are me as well.
So I just breathe when overhearing this conversations, comments, gossips – which is kind of inevitable when being working in a workshop – it also allows me to see ‘where we’re standing’ currently – and nothing will change until there’s no definitive stop to the fucking game we’ve all been playing and paticipating in. Fuck, even teachers participate in spiting and creating hate towards others based on media opinions – like with the swine flu and certain countries not allowing mexicans to get in, my teacher said that ‘now we should do the same to them’ – I mean, what on Earth will stop this? – yes, we already know and thats’ why i say: viva la muerte
Yes. Thanks for reading
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value and meaning/purpose to the creation process as building myself within a certain personality, role and idea according to ‘who I wanted to be’ within my world in means of getting recognition, power and be able to live a comfortable cool life
I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see the actual separation I created within the starting point of wanting my ‘dreams to come true’ – in spite of others, not taking anything else into consideration within this world AS ME, but only wanting to fulfill that which was ‘my goal, my dream’ and pursuing a lifestyle that would be ‘pleasant and fulfilling’ within the ideas, opinions, beliefs and apparent ‘choices’ of who i wanted to be within this world
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to take into consideration what people would ‘think, perceive and say’ about me with regards to ‘who I am’ and ‘what I do’ within my career, within ‘what I do’ because of being seeking to get recognition, fame and eventual power and fortune within my ‘world’ so I could be ‘fulfilled’ and consider myself as being ‘successful’ within THAT which I so dilligently followed -as the dream to be what I was becoming within my world
I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to deep inside having wanted to get recognition and be praised from people that were ‘supposedly above me’ so I could ‘show them’ and ‘prove them’ that I could ‘also make it’ that I could also be ‘courageous’ and ‘be sucessful’ within that which I so dilligently followed as my ‘carreer choice’ within art world.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed such starting point towards that which I ‘wanted to be’ in means of achieving my goal/my purpose = my point of interest within this world which would support my self interest in means of having the life I would dream of having: traveling around the world, exhibiting art, earning lots of money, being recognized and eventually being able to influence others in means of a certain ‘truth’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value and meaning to that which I have created as ‘my work’, my ‘works of art’ not realizing that within this I am utterly separating myself from everything else – created by me or not – therefore being just like a ‘parent’ that wants to have power and control over its creation, never taking into consideration being one and equal to ‘the creation’, but embracing it as one and equal as me as self expression – another expression of myself as all that is here – one and equal –
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever create and exist within a ‘fondness’ towards my self as ‘who I am’ as how I wanted to be perceived and therefore, being ‘fulfilled’ by seeing how I was achieving my goals within the actual living of my desires.
I forgive myself that i even accepted and allowed mysefl to think of it being ‘tempting’ to get such recognitions and begin ‘having this fame’ within my world becaue it would mean ‘gainging power’ and therefore, fulfilling my egotistic dreams and desires within the ideal of myself within this world – never real, created out of self interest – never considering myself as all. I stop all that as it is just what it is: an illusion anf fucking not worthy to live for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to ‘take too long’ meaning, myself as this whole existence, as the 11 cycles we’ve lived in this very same HERE as self deception in separation of one another – to realize that we have to begin Living Life in consideration of itself as All as me – one and equal – to end the cycles of self abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having conformed with the ways this world worked and functioned as, never questioning the starting point of it – such as money – and simply adopting it as ‘the way things are’ and within this submitting to the system that I always separated from me
I forgive myself that I as parents in this world have created clones of myself out of selfishness, out of not wanting to be alone, out of wanting to get a certain place/position of being ‘stable’ within the system as being ‘a parent’ – such an apparent way to ‘live life fully’.
I forgive myself that I accepted adn allowed myself to follow the inner desire to ‘be more than what I already am’ in means of escalating social positions and getting to the place where ‘ I dreamed of being’ without considering what my desires and dreams implied within not taking everything else as ME into consideration – meaning, existing in self interest and existing in separation.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel grateful’ and ‘thankful’ for getting what I wanted/desired and ‘needed’ to get to be and exist as what I wanted myself to be
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify the means to get to the place where I wanted to be.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate beings as my parents so that they would support my ‘ideals’ within my life to get to be what I wanted to be by making them persue their own self interest as having ‘me’ as their ‘daughter’ – therefore enhancing their ‘proudness’ if I did get to be someone of ‘worth and value’ according to society’s rules and ways.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for ever being ‘proud’ of having been able to achieve most of things I wanted to achieve, never taking into consideration how I actually manipulated others in means of getting that which I wanted – mostly parents in order to support me within my ‘decisions’
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel grateful and thankful for being able to get things ‘easily’ for being able to get ‘most of what I wanted myself to be’ without a great amount of effort, never realizing or taking into consideration the fucking inequality I was supporting and accepting within this, never questioning why was it that it was so difficult for others to achieve their ‘ideals/goals’ in life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed mysefl for having pitied human beings because of being so ‘misfortunate’ and for having to ‘work too hard’ to get what they wanted, whereas I would get a comfortable/easy life, getting money and unconditional support from my parents, never having to worry on survival and accepting this as ‘the way things are’, the way ‘karma works’, the way ‘life is’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consider that people deserved what they got as suffering/misfortune/failure due to their past lives and the ‘mistakes’ they’ve made.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to live in a comfortable delusion of the world ‘balancing itself out’ in a ‘fair’ way – meaning, taking all the abuse and general disease within the world as an outflow of past-lives events people and beings were ‘paying for’ – within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘justice’ existed.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see ‘free will’ as a way to spite the system, to be and do whatever I wanted to be and do because ‘It is my will and right to do so’ – never taking into consideration the actual starting point within this beginning by accepting the limitations existent within this world as something ‘natural’ to it, rarely questioning it, never taking into consideration I could actually change and stop the participation within it myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into my ‘own trap’ of wanting to see the world as how I wanted it to be -within this sticking and holding on to the ‘good/positive’ ideas, beliefs and perceptions I created of this world and people within it, wanting only to see the ‘cool side’ within beings, never realizing the fact that to accept someone/something is to accept it all as it IS – the good and the bad – no polarities – fully-facing what’s here As me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of what I see within other human beings, ashamed because of realizing it is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry to see what other beigns do and how they abuse life, because it is me being angry at me because of being abusing and destroying life by disregarding every breath here..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘cold’ when not getting any feeling or emotion attached to the idea of many people dying/having to die in order to cleanse and purify this world, instead being glad that this is already taking place within this world –
Within this I accept and embrace whatever I have to face – I have to remember these words and statements to realize that nothing within tis process comes out of the blue, that it is all specific and no matter what we have to ‘endure’ – we will have to endure it as much as Earth has endured our presence here, using and abusing.
I see that the spiteful ways we live in hae been merely acceptances and allowances that passed on from generation to generation and became the fucking used and abused phrase: ‘that’s just the way it is/that’s the way it has to be’ – within this submitting ourselves within an illusionary ‘something’ that is apparently more powerful and creates such rules to create the separation we live in. It’s all one big mass of bullshit really – and there’s nothing else I support but the destruction of the illusion we’ve built and lived and believed in, there’s no other way – within this comes the embracing of whatever comes until death do us all a-part of the whole once again and come back to face what’s left to face – until it is done – until there isn’t any trace of our own shit behind, a trace of separation and disregard of life.