Seems I’m ‘on a roll’ being able to remember dreams. This time the scenario wasn’t abnormal – it simply was me being at home and just deliberately ‘breaking’ the points that parents have placed towards myself, rules like not being able to get ‘too late’ at home at night alone, etc. In the dream I simply walked out the door at night and as I was walking through my street I saw that my cousin – one that is about my age – was in her garage and so was my ex-friend/neighbor that lives next to her. I ‘went by’ his house and directed me to my cousin’s house – there I experienced myself almost like any other time, though she’d invited the ex-friend to come over to her house and spent some time there. So I eventually did face the guy and to my surprise he looked quite ‘depleted’ in a way, looking much older and it was as if I knew that he wanted to talk to me, but I just didn’t – I felt completely ‘over it’ – so I decided to not give any attention or create any concern about the situation and so… next situation was the usual scenario where there’s like a family reunion in my house and I’m sitting there as many other times I have compromised myself foolishly, not enjoying it at all. THough this time it was like the usual real-life but the situations were exaggerated where I saw one of my sisters being completely ‘dressed up’ like people in tv, wanting to look like some kind of ‘top model’ – then seeing the cousins I would kind of ‘talk to’ at family reunions because they are about my age, being talking about complete shallow bullshit – and ‘mother’ was next to me like pushing me to just stay ‘for a little longer’ – as she has always asked whenever I say I will leave the place. So, in the dream I got to the ‘boiling point’ of the whole situations, seeing it as utter madness, ridiculous, ‘gone too far’ so I just stood up and left by going upstairs without saying a word. Dream ended there and woke up.
This probably came from getting messages by my mother wanting to ‘prove me’ that I apparently ‘missed a great fucking mother’s day’ reunion with the family, lol, like ‘we had fun, you missed a hell of a celebration” and so she kind of got a bit vexed by me being sarcastic to her comment, because I couldn’t just reply her with anything else, she fucking knows I’m not interseted at all in that shit – then the next day she sends a message to see ‘how I am doing’ and saying that they ‘miss me already’ wtf? lol, I’ve been away for a couple of days more and they say that? So with these I just see that she already fears losing me, losing control, power over me. And I even see It took me a long time to stand up to this point if I hadn’t pracitcaly-physically stopped myself from ‘pleasing her’ last time family reunited when it was my grandfather’s bday – yep have to thank N for pushing that, lol – then because of not being ‘with her’ during ‘mother’s fuckingday’. lol So silly, yet true. I don’t care at all, can’t give a fuck about it really –
Even a couple of months ago I would still be kind of careful to be ‘pleasing them’ by showing them the etchings I made at school even though I felt like a little child that goes up to their parents showing their drawings to prove that they’ve worked at school – just for the sake of probably wanting them to see that ‘I did work’ – so that they wouldn’t feel that they were wasting their money on me within that career.
Oh well what a day today. I felt tired!!! this hadn’t happened in such a long time, like actually struggling to get things done, to attend classes – I didn’t do any home-work for school and I dragged myself out of the door to get there – I fell a bit asleep in art history and later on I just went to the workshop and spent some time simply breathing and laying there in the terrace, touching plants and keeping myself here in the physical. So I knew that I wasn’t directing myself within this apparent tiredness, but it came as a result of the apathy I experienced towards the whole school scenario – probably because the semester is about to end and I’ve already worked ‘enough’ during these months for it, and then realizing how I have always kept myself going in means of maintaining a certain ‘level’ as ‘who I am’ within school – wanting to have everything done, presented, achieving the ‘best’ I can do at it, etc – and these ‘rigid standards’ I have placed myself towards myself.
I remember my mother specifically being worried about me when I was probably in 2nd grade elementary school, because I was utterly apprehensive towards school, I would get fucking nervous out of exams because I was very exigent within myself, wanting always to be right, to get the highest grade etc – she would say it didn’t really matter, that all she wanted was that I remained calm and tranquil, because I was developing awful headaches and other shit out from such pressure (lol! at that early age!) – this eventually went slowing down through time, but not definitely. I mean being in this school has helped with that because I basically haven’t done not even one written exam – I haven’t had to ‘study’ that way – yet I still want to get everything done and ‘do my best’ because it’s as if I want to ‘imprint myself’ within everything I do.
So today I fetl like ‘drained’ – I did attend classes and even worked a bit in workshop, but I experienced the day as being ‘tiring’ – and tried to blame the heat, but I know it isn’t just that. Well I usually get this same way when I’m about to finish school-terms –
Well – going to sleep now