So I veered my usual ‘set up’ of getting home today – I decided to arrive at my aunt’s house (who lives on the same street where my house is) and just stay here – well I actually just didn’t want to get home because there were some people that my mother was kind of ‘pushing’ me to see, people from the past that say they are ‘fond of me’ but I’m not, it’s just people that I was once near with when being 6 years old, not anymore yet, my mother wanted me to see them and specially this guy that was like my ‘best friend’ when we were 6,7 years old – we just played video games together, but he was ‘in love with me’ and I’m just tired of his mother repeating the same fucking old story of him asking his mother if we (him and I) could go to the movies together – alone – lol – which actually never happened because my mother kind of ‘apropiately freaked out’ – Well, I didn’t know this story until I was about 9, but it was irritating how she always saw me as ‘the one’ for his son. Well it’s not like they want any of that now, we’re too ‘different in mind’ at the moment, but … the fact that my mother suggested and asked me at what time I was arriving Because! they were going to be in the house just disgusted me from the point of her wanting me to be there for any fucking reason. And I’m just not accepting that, I wasn’t going to go and place some smile in the face and pretending to be interested in their lives when I have nothing to talk about or say to them, at all.
So I arrived here at night and saw that their van was outside my house, so I just thought I’d be back later… went for a ‘walk’ although it was raining and kind of cold, and carrying my backpack as well… then went back and saw they were still there… it was getting even more cold so I just decided to ring the doorbell here at my aunt’s house and just self- invite myself to stay here. They were kind enough, they just had some reunion so there was cool food and music, lol. Well this family – from my mother’s sister – is the one I could say i have been more ‘fond’ of during my life, because they were more into the stuff I cared about: music, arts -well they both are historians, and the three of my cousins are biologists – and so I would always be comfortable around them, going to mexico city for book shopping spree, visiting around and back then I was quite close to Rocío, who is my cousin and she’s one year older than I. In fact I had dreamed of her last week, and it was strange how almost the same situation as my dream happened (me sort of ‘breaking some home rules’ and walking out of the house at night, then just entering in my aunt’s house (here) and being with my cousin, with whom I had broken the tight relationship we had, just when we suddenly had different interests. She used to know all about me and I would know all about her, I travelled with her to Canada 8 years ago all alone which was a cool experience… and concerts and many things we’ve lived together – but then at the moment she’s living the usual student/youngster life, she’s just out for a ‘party’ tonight and she’s into that kind of social thing, but we just had a chat before she left on her trip to Cuba recently and … well, lol, quite a journey it was for her to realize that submitting to other’s will to direct the group ends up fucking the whole thing – her trip wasn’t pleasant because of the people ("friends") she went with and placing herself as ‘having to abide’ with them, so she said that after all, it was a cool lesson to take into consideration later.
The point is that It was cool just deciding to crash here tonight, out of nowhere, and getting to talk with her and my aunt and uncle have always kind of considered that I was ‘mistakenly’ placed in another family, because they considered that I ‘belonged’ here, lol. Well, that was before… they are cool but very much still entertained by politics and history and nationalism and defending ‘what’s ours’ – too mexicanish-intellectuals-kind of bohemians, etc. but I got cool experiences and trips with them – my mother was particularly jealous at times because of me enjoying being with them more than being with ‘my own family’ – but here at least I felt a ‘little bit’ more in ‘place’ – and this is of course due to my interests and self definitions back then. But yeah, I see that I am still able to communicate with Rocío and that there are no begrudges or anything ‘weird’ going on from the past at the moment – we do have a long story together that went from hate to love, to sum up: I didn’t talk to her at all for 5 years, beginning when I was 5 years – even though we went to the same school and lived nearby, were cousins, shared friends and were about the same age – silly, but I had my point within it and it was because she wanted to be in control, she got jealous of me being the ‘center of atraction’ within the family and getting all the attention because ‘that was my thing’ – lol – and she would then try to put me down and belittle me with almost anything she could, even while playing she’d always be like ‘the teacher’ alwasy wanting to be ‘more’ than me, so that irritated me and I just didn’t want to play with her anymore, she was kind of abusive, and she seemed to later on ‘forget’ about that or simply denied such things…. I got, as with other people in my life, to the point of crying not to see her anymore, I just didn’t want to be friends with her – and so from that breaking point, let’s say I ‘brewed’ myself separately.
That’s when I began watching lots of Mtv and finding in music a beautiful resort to not feel alone and always feel excited on ‘what’s going to come next!’ and opened up to having other friends, etc. We later on, after those 5 years reconciled and became very close again in our puberty, exploring and having fun in the usual ‘girly’ ways, that’s when I tried to fit into being a normal girl, liking what girls liked and all that, which worked for a couple of years though, I recognize I did it to ‘have friends’ and ‘be normal’ – I had fun, but I mean, I pretended liking the usual "hot actors" at the time – teeny thing – that I didn’t really find attractive, lol – yet that made me part of the group as having that kind of idols and likes and whatnot. Yeah, when all of tha fell apart I just accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to find a friend that was ‘like me’ to share stuff like same music- so I stood alone for a while until I did find a friend/friends which was the point of ‘opening up’ my world and to the part of my life when I enjoyed, discoverd, fucked up and did all kinds of things just to see ‘who the fuck am I, then?’ – up until more than a year ago.
Two nights ago I had another dream i didn’t write about here. This time had to do with my drug participation, something I hadn’t quite explored beyond ‘supporting violence and crime’ within the actual buying of drugs and supporting drug dealers, etc. In the dream I was in quite a shitty city, kind of how I picture cities in the northern part of Mexico that are near the u.s. border- like literally crappy citty and I was with one of A’s friend – who was kind of a particular character because I always saw him as being ‘dishonest’ but he was considered to be ‘cool’ by A – and I just knew that he came to visit A because he wanted drugs and a place to smoke peacefully away from his house. he was quite a troubled guy even though he had no ‘bigger’ worries within his life – and it had to be with being ‘double faced’ – so in the dream I was with him and he somehow tricked me to get in his van and just go somewhere with him – eventually I was with him just driving and waiting for some dealer to show up – he began tensing up because he wasn’t there and so on and I felt like ‘having been in the same situation before’ – and that kind of situations happened in real life in my past, I never took into consideration the risk and the places I was into, even though everything seemed ‘normal’ and ‘cool’ all time. Eventually A was in the dream as well where I saw him just stealing a bottle of wine for fuck knows what in one restaurant, and we were walking through this shitty town where I saw an old old man naked just shitting in the street in the middle of the day,and the whole path to get to that ‘restaurant’ was filled with piss and shit and vomit and it was rather disgusting – In the dream I tried to stay neutral to it like ‘ok, here’s some shit, let’s just keep walking’ – but I did react at some point because the road was just like that – it was mostly right where I was walking upon… and the end of the dream came when I saw A stealing the bottle of wine underneath his t-shirt and then finally getting a bunch of nice food on the table at this restaurant – weird, then I just woke up, knew there was no point in keeping myself asleep in such place – faced the itneresting ‘drug support’ thing that I did exert few years ago – I fell into my own trap.
Another point of taking drugs was to ‘prove’ myself that I could do things that I knew were ‘wrong’ and ‘prohibited’ by ‘the law’ and my parents as well – the parentalaws -and to go breaking part of the pre-established morals I had with regards to this which I stepped on just to see and test my boundaries – I mean, that was cool, the whole point of abuse was where I lost my hands on the wheel and stop directing myself within it and allowed myself to be controlled and directed by other beings.
I got questioned today by one of my workshop mates about one thing I was wondering in the morning with regards to ‘boyfriends’ and how many I’ve had in my life, just because of having some etchings made by my supposedly first boyfriend – which lasted 5 being so for 5 days – and the eventual relationship after that and the non-relationship that ended up being just like one, etc. oh well – all the points just showing how I am still existing in separation towards certain people in my life just because they are part of ‘my past’ – within that still defining them within the role they played back then, which isn’t who they are in any way either – to let go of that is to realize that they simply played a part into that ‘network of people’ I was meant to meet and find ‘my place in the world’ due to all these ‘casualties’ as people in my life that apparently gave some direction and contributed with stuff that would ‘lead me’ to ‘my path-my life-my experience’ and make it ‘seem right’ – How we end up so screwed up by buying the lie of it, by playing the part and the role, by affecting ourselves unnecesarily when taking things so seriously, when being actively participating in the thoughts that interpret situations, in the opinions and judgments that build up separation-
ok so that’s another chunk of my programming out – thanks