Ok been dealing with stuff I have to get done before leaving… but I had an interesting conversation with my uncle and aunt the other day during breakfast after I spent the night in their house. THey are let’s say encumbered leftists – specifically my uncle – who dedicates his life to play this role within his world amongst with friends and people that follow the say ‘leftist’ mode of being a ‘citizen’ within our society system which is ‘at the moment’ considered of the ‘conservative right’ according to the fucking poles that usually rule and create the division/polarization of society within Ideas of ‘how things should be’ according to what fits their own individual interest – you know, politics- pole and ticks. Yep and we ‘participate in that’ as a way to make ourselves ‘proud’ of exerting our ‘citizenship’ in a "responsible" way by just flipping a coin and ‘deciding’ who fits such places of ‘power’ according to ‘what’s best for all’ – lol. We have to laugh at this, seriously.
My uncle began throwing shit at the current president for not being ‘working and being effective enough’ within the difficult times that ‘our country’ is going through – fuck, I bet he’s never ever considered himself AS the president, at all. So I was listening to his arguments on how the government does this and that and violence and drug dealers, etc etc etc. I mean, he might as well have been repeating the same shit over and over again for most of his life – because only names and ‘parties’ change, scenario might change a bit as well but the essence of the bullshit act of voting and being severely fucked by this apparent ‘choice’ that people ‘make’ to get what’s apparently ‘best for all’ – has repeated over and over again. I had to simply just stop those statements and reverted the situation in means of US understanding that WE have to Take the Responsibility for what’s going on within this world AS us. That we can’t just go on blaming – because oh we so love to do that – people that We place in those positions to fix our world, to take all the load and solve our problems, yeah just like a messiah or something like that (ehm ehm just look at how Obama was being considered like by most people in the US and outside of it). HOw far have we gotten in this delusion of ‘delegation of power’ in means of ‘good for all’ ? hmm. So outdated – we all know it’s just a mere play out by these people in power and by ourselves pretending to be ‘responsible citizens’ by crossing one color or another in an election ballot.
how is that so?, really – and what amazes me the most is that this is known by most of people, everyone just loves on ranting about these kind of shit going on with politics and their policies – but, we still submit to it and say ‘oh, well, but… what can we do about it? it’s been like that forever! ‘ – which simply indicates that we are deciding to remain completely submitted and fucked by our own ‘choice’ –
So, this uncle understood that yeah, there’s not going to be any real change unless we all start changing individually, considering what is really to take responsibility – so the inevitable was talking then about money and how money creates this general disease fed by greed of power which is simply fed by the very same system existing/based upon self interest and its general feeding to keep the same circuit ‘running’ – so yeah,ok then
we discussed Money being the Real God in this existence – so I placed the Equal money for All at Birth Campaign and he didn’t say much about it, he limited himself to be and remain quiet while I explained this, how people’s lives could radically change from a ‘survival mode’ to a dignified way of life that would veer then to self expression – most problems we’re facing at a social-interaction level and the way these support the actual system, would diminish considerably and how then life wouldn’t be such a fucking draining thing for everyone day by day – I explained how I see no fucking future in this but the eventual destruction of the current system, the current fucking way we’re "living" – had to place the perspective on how kids are being spoonfed by these ideas of status and desire for money within the very programs and movies they get as ‘babysitting entertainment’ – yep, tv as the main member of a family that is able to keep them quiet and static for long periods of time, while parents are able to gracefully abdicate their responsibility as Parents for bringing Life into this world – without ever fucking seeing what it really IS to spawn another you within this world – so we discussed Disney, the obvious and most talked about ‘children’s entertainment enterprise’ that is considered ‘family friendly’ without seeing the roles that are being portrayed there, that are being taught and created as a ‘need’ within girls and boys at a tender age, where they certainly act as a ‘school’ of how ‘life’s supposed to be’ – specially with women desiring their ‘prince charming’ to come and save them. How fucked –
My guess is that after all this long and exemplified discussion, he kind of realized that he’s not doing anything at all by merely ranting and cursing on the system, the ‘president’ and ‘the right’ – his silence and absence of any other opinion that could deny or refute what I explained – because it is based in obvious common sense (to round it up even more) – then my aunt came downstairs where we were having coffee and discussing this and joined the talk while going to the kitchen for breakfast. SO then I explained my upcoming trip to SA and what I’m into at the moment, what we dedicate ourselves with – it was really cool to explain all of this to them, because they had no idea of what I have been doing for the past year or so – besides the usual stuff at school – I could see that when I explained on self forgiveness and how we have to unconditionally forgive everything that we’ve experienced within our life experience, because it is what we accepted and allowed of ourselves to be and become, by believing in it, placing trust and eventually ‘playing it out’ makes us all equal in existing in a conditioned way within our mind – which is not real –
I enjoyed very much discussing this with them because, as I explained I would have them as some kind of ‘role models’ because of considering them bieng ‘radical’ and not adjusting to what’s usually acceptable in society – though later on I realized that they are just part of the same game, yep, playing the ‘left side’ wthich is still defined and created as a counterpart (polar tie) of ‘the right’ and then… they are no less slaves than the rest of the people – so I did mention stuff that could easily fit within their programmed self definitions of being ‘leftists’ and within that, realized that I had no fear or shame of talking about that, even if the description would fit them nicely. They were cool because they unconditionally listend to all I had to say, they would usually nod to stuff I was commenting and sometimes, when getting to the nitty-gritty details of opening the all time famous ‘cans of worms’, they would express some kind of shame and sadness within their faces – so I would keep talking to let them know that this is normal, that it is all about focusing on ourselves, suggested them to write it all out and forgive it, to set themselves/ourselves free from the past, from such burdens that even manifest physically.
My aunt ended up being very enthusiastic about me going there and the stuff I’ll be doing/working on – and how I will be placing myself in the ultimate test beyond my environment, my usual comfort and security that family provide for me. I notice that each time I expand/open up myself with someone else that is willing to listen to what we dedicate ourselves to at Desteni, there’s like this ‘part of me’ that simply like ‘comes back’ at me – or I re-unite in a way with that, because now I’ve shared this understanding that is based in Common Sense and seeing the obvious, letting out all the paraphernalia we create of our lives according to being a certain ‘culture’, ‘nation’, ‘tradition’, ‘values’, ‘opinions’, ‘legacy’ etc etc etc – which they are quite aware of, as they have based their life upon that and living the ‘intellectual life’ while still desiring to get to a certain place in society that is wealthy enough to have a worry-less life. Much will change in due time. SO yeah, they were glad that I had explaiend them all of that and want me to write them on how things go while being there in SA. Lol, well, that we’ll see – all I really care is that maybe something of what I talked about might change thieir practical views on this life and the system As them, not as some ‘right-corporate-entity’ that goes against them – or something like that.
Besides this been with family, facing my usual anxiety that isn’t an energetic movement inside, but a need/desire/ that moves me, that directs me which is always like ‘running’ wanting everything to be done fast, accurately, without any complications, everything to be done and finished ‘right now’ – so I collide quite a lot with my mother, because she usually drives kind of slow and isn’t such a precise driver – so I get upset by her ways while she makes fun of me getting upset because of wanting to get fast to places, to get everything done in a moment and have no ‘loss of time’ – which really is kind of silly when there’s no such thing as loss of time anyways – This comes from my father and his general ways of existing, such a methodic system – getting pissed and easily irritated when things don’t go his desired way. That I see within me as well – so what’s the obvious? Realizing that this is a pattern that I am following according to programmed information within myself, it isn’t who I really am- therefore, I am able to stop the cycles which then could turn into a neurosis problem or any other ‘bad tempered’ related activity. Fuck no, I stop this even though in the moment it seems like ‘the usual thing’ to be nagging and complaining because of trivial things like that.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow deliberate patterns of irritability/anger when things don’t come out my desired way, within this merely accepting me to play out the information I’ve downloaded from my ‘father’ and playing out his usual ways of existing in complete stress and anxiety to get things done his way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spew my anger and irritability to another being – in this case my mother – because of my own anxiety and desire to get things done ‘my way’ without taking into consideration the starting point of such distress as an unecessary thing within my experience that only creates problems/conflicts due to my infatuation in thinking that ‘I am right’ within my desire to get to places as ‘fast as possible’ and as ‘accurate as possible’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the obvious need for me to stop such verbal diarrhea that fed judgments towards my mother’s way of driving, yet I continued in means of apparently making her be ‘more effective’ within her driving skills – the whole thing merely fucked it all even more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘she’s used to me being impatient’ therefore I am able to rush her and judge her ways of driving in means of getting things done ‘my way’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as a control freak, wanting things to be done my way, the moment I say and if not, I get pissed off and impatient.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry whenever I get too many questions from my parents with regards to my trip
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express and exists as frustration whenever they express their concern towards my ‘safety’ when I’m out in the city
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at my mother for making fun of things that we experience whenever I am in a ‘bad mood’ because then I take it as her making fun of me and laughing at me which simply makes me even more angry or frustrated at something –
Yep, this comes from accepting and allowing myself to play out past roles of being used to my mother accepting all of my bullshit and anger and verbal diarrhea – just because I coud/can, just because I saw that I didn’t get ‘scolded’ for that – so I merely continued – this comes from father when he loads his verbal diarrhea and talks and says stuff he doesn’t even want to say, but he just spews it because he gets ‘triggered’ – that’s my experience as well So I stop that, because it’s completely unecessary, and there’s no need to follow such patterns which create separation without realizing that I’m not offending her, but I’m offending myself first in dishonoring the moment of life, every time I lose my focus on breath and get into the mind to create excuses of how my ‘attitude’ is completely ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’ – fuck no.