I’m physically exhausted at the moment. Have had some kind of ‘rough’ realizations about my body. My spine is crooked from the bad posture habits I have, the kind of experience I’m dealing with at the moment is Self Abandonement, realizing that I accepted and allowed myself to keep on going with such bad posture that has lead me to have uneven standing pose with a hunched back which enhances back pains = not cool at all. And so I remembered all the people that used to (according to me) vex me with my posture: my friends and their parents, my family, anyone really yet I saw them as that, merely annoying comments on myself. How silly it was really, me hiding hunching because of not wanting to look arrogant or in a way of ‘showing myself off’. This is mostly something I regret. Ok, there’s still ‘time’ to correct this, but somehow it’s been so unnecessary. Yeah and I ‘love’ the way doctors play the whole future scenario for you, yep like basically describing your worst fears with regards to the degerative physical problems – all the dna load plus the posture I added myself. Fuck – Have to work on that this summer, I know all this physical manifestation has something to do with my inner process as everything else, we’ll work it out.
THen went to the dentist to check my teeth 8 months after I fell of the bike and hit my teeth badly on the pavement – yep the great fall – one of them is dying, fuck. So I will have to get a root canal later….. damn, I really tried to keep them ‘alive’ but I guess there are inevitable things and yeah I guess today I faced my fear of aging, fear of seeing my body ‘die’ in a way, getting old – and I’m only 22! lol yeah such a drama I get it – and I’ve only gotten quite a headache out of this all.
It was mostly a hard-working week. I drained and sucked myself dry working in the workshop to get many prints, to use all the paper I had left and having a cool time around people there as well. It’s fucking strange because there are people that suddenly out of the blue they openly admit they ‘admire me’ or ‘want to be like me’ or simply ‘really like me’ – like this girl that just said that ‘I’ was the person she liked the most ‘being’ with since she stopped being an anti-social person, lol. It’s funny because some of these people I actually thought they didn’t necessarily ‘liked me’ – yet having them saying such things in the open it’s cool, makes me realize how much I assess shit on my mind – In the other hand it’s not like I’m feeling ‘better’ about that… I just express myself and I got to be quite comfortable around those people after spending so many hours working together in the same place, this school year there was cool because of getting to see how some people are willing to work in team and unconditionally support and help if they are able to, that is something I wasn’t used to at all, specially here in the city where I live in and the previous schools I went to. Many are now asking all details on the trip and there’s this one mate that is almost asking everyday stuff about it, lol, they’re all cool cats. I still have to give the last ‘kick’ with school work to leave everything done and finished – I have been mostly enjoying being by myself in the apartment because I know soon it will be all the way around, so that’s been mostly it.
I went to get some mexican music at my aunt’s house, loads of it as it was a request by some at the farm. My family’s being very supportive with the whole trip, making sure I get all I need, that I am physically ok, etc. I guess now I fear being ‘ungrateful’ towards them, letting them ‘down’ in any way which is something that has been kind of a ‘warning’ for such a long time – but this is where I have to make a stand and not to watch out and care for what others ‘want for me’ or ‘expect me to be’ – even though at this very moment it’s all like going haywire in terms of suddenly getting that ‘recognition point’ that I’ve actually created by all the effort and work I’ve done – probably from a dishonest starting point as ‘wanting to prove myself’ that I was capable of ‘making it’ through – The moment I begin thinking of doing things for a desired outcome/purpose, that moment I lose my expression in the moment and just do things to achieve something, to prove myself to others as well. Probably beginning with the fact of having wanted to make ‘art school’ "my place", the place I had to be and within that, just making sure I ‘made it there’ even though I saw the pointless routine it was, the trivial side of it all. At times I feel as If I was just going to suddenly ‘die’ as who I am, like physically changing myself from place and environment will sure be a definitive change that will probably support the detachment of the idea of me, that’s all I’m waiting for, that’s what I’ve been waiting for over a year now, lol – how cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be punishing myself with regret for not having done something about my body posture to prevent myself from getting the now physically manifested consequences of not paying attention to my body, because of considering it as merely a disposable vehicle where I placed more emphasis on the ‘spirit/soul’ than the body, therefore allowing and accepting the whole separation I created/manifested towards myself as my body
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregards any body posture correction advice I got from other people because I just took it as the kind of ‘advices’ that were persuading me to get to be/behave/stand as someone that is specifically wanting to look ‘attractive’ or ‘arrogant’ or what not – within that dissociating myself from my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be experiencing self-abandonement today with regards to the physical state of my own body, regretting not having placed enough attention before to avoid the now effects and reactions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about the breath in moments where I get tormented with regards to my physical body and it’s current state having certain anomalies
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mentally tormenting myself with ‘what ifs’ with regards to what could happen in the future if I don’t correct my anomalies at this moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and disappointed at myself because of not having placed enough care and attention to my physical body, because of not accepting it completely and embracing it one and equal as me – but instead treating it as something ‘less’ than who I really am, instead of seeing the obvious as existing HERE within and as the Physical Body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such a distress from all the news about my body I got today, fearing that I might have no ‘solution’ not realizing that I am not even taking into consideration the practical change and stopping of habits here in the moment, but instead being worrying pointlessly about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed expectations and ideas people are creating about me because I have placed an intention/purpose of proving myself to myself that I was able to get ‘a place’ within the place I was supposedly ‘meant to be at’ – a place where I wouldn’t be appreciated by my ‘mental abilities’ – instead ‘earning a place’ through work and "inspiration".
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in worry and concern about myself as my body in few years time
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having resisted so much to face myself as the physical, merely denying that I had any problem or situation going around, instead of giving it immediate attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up like some family members with multiple affections in the verge of death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such a terrible headache within worrying and being concerned about my body and the future procedures to ‘fix it’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defeat myself in thinking that ‘it will be too hard to change my body habits.
Ok, I have to sleep now,