hooking on the physical

Compassion

Through my life experience I have existed as someone’s support, feeling some kind of ‘duty’ to be someone’s ‘cane’ to stand, actually carrying their own stuff as myself and within this, losing myself completely. Why did I do this? Compassion – I’ve now understood that this is what has kept me caged in the idea/belief/perception that I have to suffer equally to someone that is near me/in my world. What does this entail? Well, many things actually.

First of all, there’s the realization that I cannot fucking do anything for anyone else if I haven’t yet dealt with me and my own shit – this is what I have been actually repeating as a pattern as I’ve created relationships. We will always exist in relationships towards anything or anyone else, this is how it is – but the change exists on where and how I stand towards those relationships: am I carrying the load on my back or am I simply remaining, being stable as them. The point resides in the letting go of this idea/belief/perception that I must ‘carry the load’ along with someone else, that I have to stand by them through their own shit, without realizing that within this I am letting myself ‘down’ as well as them – basically allowing suffering within me as them and viceversa.

This has been a recurrent event throughout my life and it is quite interesting seeing that I have actually adopted such ways without being fully aware of it – yeah, I have already discussed here how I fucked my life in such a way because of standing by someone’s shit, living their life and forgetting about myself completely  – which I did in two relationships, specifically – and it was during these situations that I became quite dependent on others. So it’s quite fucked because you get dependent on someone else’s process, without realizing that everyone is completely alone in this, I cannot change/affect another in their process as everything goes back around the one that creates it. There’s no other way, and we will have to face each and every single thing we have ever done.

I have now realized how the weed smoking has affected me in extensive ways that are physically manifested now, which means that even if I’ve already quit I’m still ‘in it’ in terms of how it has actually remained in myself – so I have to move through forgiveness to release these points – fuck like I really would never have imagined the actual long-lasting effects of it. Fuck, really the moment I was told this I felt like fucking crying because it was something I actually did/created to myself, that isn’t cool at all, at all and it’s like fuck – really, inmense regret immediately came up and now I know what is it like to face the manifested consequences. So, that will be quite interesting in terms of how I stand and go through the actual identification of the system so I can face it and release it eventually. This is possible as I am the creator of this construct – it’s able to be torn apart, but of course this isn’t as easy as constructing it. Deconstruction is the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like crying the moment of realizing that I’ve fucked myself extensively because of the weed smoking, regretting ever having decided taking the ‘easy solution’ of weed smoking in means of escaping from myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually manifest myself as a structure, as a construct of a certain personality that I played out in means of feeling like ‘more than I already am’ – which eventually means that I didn’t accept myself as I am here, in the simplicity of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret immensly having opted to smoke weed in means of ‘being something more’ than who I already am, creating an immense separation from who I really am as I placed myself in a bubble where I created a personality of myself, wanting to be ‘more’ than what and who I already am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the physical manifested consequences of my choices in the past as having chosen to smoke weed in order to escape from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the use of weed to two relationships in my life – therefore still existing as the personality I developed while being within and as those relationships in my life – meaning that I haven’t yet lived myself at all – fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that pain is actually some kind of punishment for what I have done/created in my life experience, instead of realizing that pain is assiting and will be able to establish myself more in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this weed regret will never end, instead of unconditionally standing and tearing the construct apart.

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to create a bubble where I am existing as a ‘weed consumer’ therefore, creating a certain personality according to how I wanted to be perceived and how I experienced myself while in it  – being someone that is apparently ‘more free’ than anyone else, that is ‘special’ and in some kind of ‘spiritual path’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself into thinking that I can only do certain kind of activities and things, never actually realizing that I cannot fucking limit myself like that, that I am a living being and not a personality suit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still limit myself by cultural ideas/beliefs/perceptions of how things have to be and be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some kind of morality according to my cultural background, not realizing that morality is limitation in this world – is a judgement based on polarity, which isn’t real and only creates unnecessary shit as control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could’ve been ‘someone better’ if I hadn’t had and created such habits as weed smoking, not realizing that within this I’m falling into unnecessary loops of guilt and regret and morality based on ‘who i want to be’ as a polarity definition of what I could see as ‘good and bad’ instead of realizing that none of that is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so fucking lost because I have never lived myself for real, because I have always lived as a personality, as a separate bubble from the rest of myself as all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that will be very difficult to get rid of physical manifested consequences of my past actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I always have to be doing something of ‘worth and value’ because that’s the only way that I can feel ‘good’ about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still be seeking for recognition and doubting in recognizing so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘pointed out’ because of being told the dishonesties I’m existing and living as, instead of being grateful for them and accepting facing myself no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually feel quite ‘fucked’ because I could’ve actually chosen not to fuck myself with external substances in order to have some ‘good time’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a bit concerned whenever I’m not fully able to understand others because of language difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others just because of language, which is also a system, a construct – therefore a limitation to communicate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I have to fear hurting anyone’s feelings because of having to let go of compassion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as compassion, to exist as the desire to stand by someone’s suffering, to deny myself to stand and remain stable because of seeing that someone else is suffering/going through a ‘tough time’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be feeling ‘too much’ in times when I see suffering, when I see ‘injustice’, when I see abuse because within this I am supporting suffering and the existence thereof, because I am the creator of my reality, even if I don’t realize it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow any mind suggestions on to what is ‘best for me’ according to my interests

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be ‘solidary’ to people and sufer their pain and stand as their ‘support’ – fuck knows why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear losing the compassion I have existed as until now, because I am deeming it as being something ‘good’ within me -. never considering the actual existence of it as something that isn’t what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directly affected by what others are experiencing within themselves, wanting to be solidary with them and their experience, instead of seeing and realizing that I have to focus on myself – that’s it. +

I am actually experiencing myself in a cool way – besides the physical pains and discomfort  and the ‘floating’ experience, lol – i’m feeling comfortable but yeah I’m here to face myself so whatever happens and comes my way I know it will be for assisting purposes, so as I’ve said today – I’m up for anything and so I’ll just hook myself back on the physical – remember kids, it’s the only thing that’s real. This is going to be such a ride

cool.

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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