I just watched a movie and some points opened up with regards to finally seeing myself from ‘the outside’ and realizing what I’ve done, what I participated in while deciding to take drugs. It was as just one moment of realizing – ok, fuck, I engaged myself on that, I did that by my own will, I deliberately fucked myself, I deliberately abused myself through that.
The point of realizing that pot has been this physical manifested part within myself was quite a knock-out – because in that moment I realized that I have to face the consequences of everything I’ve done, everything I deliberately experienced and placed myself through – there’s no ‘going out’ of that. So, there was this sadness that popped up in me the moment I was watching this movie and seeing people getting deliberately fucked up by drugs and eventually trapping themselves into it, enrolling themselves in aimless conversations in means of losing their minds – yep, I relate myself to that yet, fuck – it’s really like one hard thing to see actually, because one can relate to that – to a certain extent of course –
I mean figure it out, I’ve managed to get 6 months of no sex today – and I’m so off of that and facing many other points that really, I see how I based my life upon such things that eventually trapped me – I trapped myself by being completely dishonest in the starting point of such activities: to escape from myself, to just apparentely be ‘free’ in a certain way – and the fact that I wasn’t able to see that in that moment was actually what breaks me – because I cannot figure out how I allowed myself to go there, to do all the stuff I did, to allow all the shit I went through – and it all boils down to not loving or accepting myself – seeking recognition and an eventual moment where I could like just ‘be me’ never realizing I was just creating this program of myself where I could simply hide the fact that I wasn’t just accepting myself, feeling misery and suffering and somewhat this ‘feeling miserable’ experience – we are fucked the moment we cannot fathom, we cannot understand why we experience this, we have no fucking idea yet we accept it as ourselves – that’s what happens with programs, that’s what happens when we try and seek something else to numb the ‘original pain’.
So when exploring the ‘original pain’ I see the point of getting into stuff that was programmed ‘by default’ within me due to where I ‘come from’ talking about family bloodline, etc. And there’s just shit that we are balancing out without even knowing therefore, being just fucked by that – this is how the world is fucked extensively, because… I mean, we cannot see the whole design, we play it out – therefore we have to get to see ourselves in order to know how the program works and be able to eventually release it, working through it with Self Forgiveness, as Self Forgiveness – there’s no other way, I mean, how could I possibly keep myself existing in blame and remorse for what I’ve done or been through in the past? It’s there, it’s gone – yeah I face the consequence and I work with that here.
It was interesting because of this ‘family point’ opening up within me today and I dreamed of this huge devastating wind going on in my ‘home city’, it almost looked ‘movie like’ because there was like these blankets that were just like drying out and with the wind they looked like huge flags waving with the great wind while the sky was just filthy grey, just as if this devastating torment was coming right away. lol, I guess It’s my own fear of death and related to ‘where i come from’ etc.
Anyways… I’m going through a tough moment having my period and having a flu – although I have a very cool time just being here, physically working and talking to people here – I’ll breathe through the sickness and see what comes out – it has just worsened in the last hours.
So I’ll share some SF on my experience towards drugs and my past
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having deliberately placed myself within a dependecy habit towards something/someone that would allow me to "escape" from myself, never realizing or actually seeing what I was doing to myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and remorseful and very sad when seeing myself reflected upon a movie as people that deliberately seek to fuck themselves up in means of losing themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience immense sadness when realizing what we as humans, as people do to ourselves when we decide to take and do anything we can and is available for us to fuck ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at myself for what I accepted within my life in the past, to feel ashamed of myself as my past, to deem myself as being too stupid for having done and created those events within my life that deliberately kept me in my own bubble where everything that went on was actually simply an illusion, my own ‘well-being’ creation while existing in separaton of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for what I as all as one and equal are existing as, as sad, fucked, lost beings with no directive principle as life – but only seeking ways to entertain ourselves, to fuck, to keep us busy, to ignore life, ….
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because of the way this world was set up
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carray with the suffering of the world as me, to feel it as me as a burden in my back
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘strong’ personality out of me while denying the actual self that is aware of self abuse existing as me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overlook the anger at myself I experience the moment I realize how I fucked myself and how I am facing the consequnces at an unpredictable level: the physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and think that by being completely self honest wtihin me I will be able to ‘solve’ all my situation, not realizing that it is just the beginning of the actual point of change within me as me – doesn’t mean anything really.
It’s just who I really am, and I am merely peeling the layers off.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attached to my memories, to feel threatened by memories, to feel ashamed of my memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I could change my decisions and actions that I took in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a great amount of pain and discomfort at the moment and allow it to rule and numb me, instead of breathing through it and just be here.
I’m facing myself, that’s all I care about, that’s what I’m here to be.