Apprehensive and the Food Stuff

apprehensive

state of a being where one is not able to direct the situation and instead remains in an idle state -waiting for events to direct me instead of me directing mysefl

apprehensive – dread – idle – afraid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within moments where I am not directing myself and instead, exist in an apprehensive state – waiting for events to direct me – instead of me being the directive principle in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as anxiety whenever I see myself being idle – not directing myself but waiting for events to happen instead of me directing them as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created an experience of ‘being waiting for something to happen’ in my world in order to become ‘someone’ of ‘importance’ in order to gain ‘fame’ within that which I placed myself in – which is art

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in moments of uncertainty meaning, not directing myself in every moment – whenever I’ve already ‘finished’ that which I am suppossed to be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have always to be doing ‘something’

I forgive m yself that I accepted and allowed myself for having been apprehensive since I was a little girl, existing in constant anxiety because of wanting everything to be done correctly, fast, accurate and perfect – if it didn’t happen i would go into stress and anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting things to happen fast, accurate and perfectly done all the time – creating or causing a discomfort whenever this doesn’t happen.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to exist in worry/concern caused by the desire of wanting to be in control of situations without directing them as me  – but instead been placing some form of ‘hope’ that everything will get to the desired outcome

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever exist in a ‘worryful’ way, constant dread that limited myself within being able to move effectively in my life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow family patterns of worrying and creating anxiety within myself whenever the outcome was uncertain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience idleness in anxiety – not being in ‘operation’ therefore not being as myself here, but instead be waiting for events to arise so I can move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directing myself in means of having a certain ‘purpose’ or ‘something’ to do – not taking the iniciative to do something/ to move myself in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judgle idleness as a state that is ‘bad’ because of being ‘useless’/’ineffective’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the time that I take to be here as myself – doing nothing – and think that I always have to be doing something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid idleness because of not wanting to feel that I’m being non-productive, lazy – uneffective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into judgment when seeing idleness in other beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in judgment towards idleness because of fearing it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid of being ‘idle’ because of not having a ‘purpose’ or ‘something to do’ allowing this to affect how I am ‘worthing’ myself according to where I am and what I ‘should be doing’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be thinking that there is ‘too much’ to do  -therefore I cannot stop and be idle – because it would be such a ‘waste of time’ – there is nothing to ‘waste’ – just moments of not directing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in limitation in terms of ‘spending’ stuff that is able to be depleted – money, food and any other kind of ‘supplies’ – because of having created this idea of having limited resources, having limited amount of money – therefore creating an idea of how I have to live life according to these ‘rules’ that were implanted in my family.

So – the point that I faced today was my ‘creation’ the mental projection of not being able to ‘work’ because of having dry skin on my hand and tips on the fingers to the point of bleeding because of being grouting – therefore basically even typing here hurts

I’ve been Cooking this week with Leila which has been pretty cool, diffusing the points of fear towards making food for many people and all the ‘hectic moves’ that I would consider comes with it based on what I experienced with family and their ‘parties’ = making food for several people, having enough for all, making everyone satisfied –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who throw away food or don’t eat everything they take into their plate

If orgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone that throws meals that I would still eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that throwing away food will ‘turn itself back ‘ at some point when that being will have nothing to eat and will desire to get those ‘leftovers’ back to eat them –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these thoughts based on what I deem to be ‘right’ as eating all food – not wasting anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider it’s a kick in the ass for nature to be throwing away food – all is here, it goes back to earth anyways – anyways I have to clarify this point, still doesn’t seem cool to me to see this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to worry whenever I see food been thrown away into the garbage bin

If orgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned because of not being separating garbage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still think that by separating garbage I will ‘contribute’ to recycling, not realizing that if such system doesn’t exist here – nothing will change anyways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘recycling’ is the ‘way to go’ without realizing that my starting point is that of ‘saving’ or ‘reducing waste’ which will inevitably still be here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are ways to ‘diminish’ the inevitable lack of resources and earth’s process of depletion

I forgive mysefl that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of not having enough food to eat in the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at some point desire that beings that spite food and judge food at the moment get their ‘kick in the ass’ when having no food to eat and wishing they had eaten such food and not despising it just by flavor

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone that takes more than what they will be able to eat into their plate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anyone that takes ‘more’ for themselves without considering everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still react to ways of people and their ways of co-existing with others, not seeing that it’s obvious that self interest is prominent within beings – including myself of course

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to create less of a ‘turmoil’ by not getting in the way of people – thinking that it’s too ‘chaotic’ therefore i can make it ‘less chaotic’ – existence is like this  – no man’s an island – I embrace this experience which is actually cool testing and seeing how I am able to adapt myself to the environments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such uncertainty with regards to meal quantities, because of fearing ‘wasting’ too much food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scarcity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear depletion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unavailability of resources to continue eating in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘rough times’ to come in terms of not being able to have food for everyone in sufficient amount

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been used to having it ‘all’ anytime – without ever considering that what I get comes from money and not actual physical work of someone that had to take care of it to get to my plate.

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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