The Pit of my Own Crehated Shelve

The Pit of my one-greedated- Self
The pit where my own creed is shelved
The shelved-state that has existed in a state of ‘forever-waiting’ for something to ‘happen’, for something else to be the cause, never realizing I am the cause
I de-grade myself when not living as the realization of who I really am and allow myself to get into the pit of ‘my-self’, ‘me-me’, ‘my-own experience that "matters"’ in the world – my self-centered, self-absorbed and self-absurd acceptance of myself – which I re-create everyday without even noticing – without even caring what I may be creating at the level where my Eyes aren’t able to See –

my ‘shelf-life’ which is a spam that I have merely spend on pitying myself, pitying this world and only allowing me to go into ‘sadness’ about it, never doing anything to stop this within myself

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a position of Feeling constantly, allowing it to tamper with myself as my Self-Direction, my Self-Honesty point standing in every-moment no matter what

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become pissed off by not having the coffee ‘the way I want it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become enclosed within myself and my experience without being able to See what’s going on around me – and being here devoid of any predisposition to do anything, which merely implies that I’m not living Here yet, that I haven’t ever done this because I’ve always been ‘checking’ my experience first within every moment – instead of being simply Here, in Self Honesty which is something I’ve never-ever lived as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become pissed off at myself for not waking up early in the morning and begin my day mourning because I allow myself to get into a fucking experience where everything ‘went wrong’ and therefore, All around me must pay without me even caring to see what is it that I’m creating in Real-Fact around me as I resonate in Anger because things went ‘out of My-Control’  – How blind have I become to never-care to see?

And I rememember this has happened in the Past to me, whenver I placed myself as a Priority, My-Experience, making my parents cry in means of making me See that I’ve only been caring about Myself –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so disgustingly self-indulgent, self-centered that I do not give a damn about that which I create around me that affects others without me even being able to see it with my own eyes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create Suffering and Pain and Self-disgust and Self-hate in this world the moment I allow myself to abuse myself with thoughts of anger for no fucking ‘great-matter’ in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see every breath that I experience as ‘feeling’ as a load, a ‘heavy-load’ and within this allowing me to make my life a ‘constant-suffering’ without realizing that : fuck, I am doing it to my self – how low can I go?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disguise the deception existen within me with ‘pride’ and ‘glory’ of my self-created self-centered ‘me’ which isn’t even able to See what I am Really Creating within the Whole that is Me – how low do I have to go to Start Seeing that I’ve been supporting the Enslavement in this World by every Breath that I miss in consideration of my own fucking feelings, my own existence, my self-centered and self interest driven existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become so Self-Centered to the point of being Blind about me creating and Re-creating this existence as Self-Interest, not willing to See this existent within myself in my every-move where I give priority to ‘my thoughts’, ‘my feelings’ ‘my experience’ in every moment – never realizing as a Living realization that every moment that I am not Here Unconditionally, I am supporting the shithole of Existence that I’ve created as All as One – living in complete mindsplits without even being able to See what we’re busy creating in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticize the predictability of this existence, yet not realizing that I am predictable whenever I react in the same patterns and ways of ‘my world’ as the way I’ve created and keep re-creating myself every day, not allowing me to now Create a New-Life in every moment –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘keep-me’ to ‘preserve-me’ as if there is something of worth and value in ‘who I am’ – there is non, there has never been, everything and all has been a point of illusion that kept me in a particular controlled way that I called Stability

I forgive myself that I have never actually Lived as Stability as Myself Here in Every Moment of Breath, and Instead, created an Idea of what being ‘Stable’ is, yet never realizing that it was kept by ideas – never real as Me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so predictable to the point of needing to have my ground shaken to a certain extent that I am only then able to ‘wake-up’ from my own spiraling thoughts that I already know will never end and will never-change until I Change and Stop

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to affect others around me the moment I do not ‘feel’ like doing something, that I did ‘not-get’ enough time to do so, within this implying that ‘everything around me’ must be ‘under my control’, ‘under my-dominion’ so that everything else can ‘march well’ – how self-centered it is -yet in the moment I am blinded by my own experience – I am blind to actually See that I am not stopping my experience and that I am creating only shit around me, not even caring to see that others will have to ‘pay’ for my shit needlessly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create such a disruption around me to the point of seeing that it is unbearable and that I cannot keep going this way –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself at the service of power and control while I become and act upon it as if it was the real me, acting upon that which I ‘think’ I am allowed to exist as – I forgive myself for having always been this way and having thought that such attitudes, habits, feelings and shit created by my own mind would get me ‘somewhere’

I forgive myself that I have always accepted and allowed myself to be Waiting – eternally waiting, to be directed, to be-something to someone else because I haven’t accepted myself yet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself – I am tired of this – I am not allowing myself to do this anymore – it’s in my direct awareness and this is what I am here for, to see who is it that I’ve created and that I haven’t seen and that I’ve deliberately and forcibly justified and defended as myself – there is nothing to keep from me, there is no-thing of ‘value’ and ‘worth’ within that which I believe is me – I am worth and value and acceptance as myself UNTIL I live this as myself and don’t allow any other bullshit that tampers the moment of breath, here – there is no breath that is real until I take all and everything into consideration in every-action I take, every-word that I speak –

I fogive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not having been able to Stop myself all the times that I knew I was trying to control-me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to drag everyone and everything along with my own self-created world wherein if I ‘do not win’, If I am not-in control, then nothing will – never even caring about the consequences and side effects of my very own thoughts

I stop -and nothing will actually Stop until I do – nothing will actually change no matter how much I write Until I stop – and there is only one-chance within this – and I take on the consequences no-matter what, because I know one thing: I am doing this to myself –

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be Angry at myself for what I’ve accepted and Allowed in this World as Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the Anger that I embody as myself because I haven’t ever dared to see and realize what I’ve become and where I am deliberately keeping this Anger as Myself –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept Anger as a form of sadness towards myself, and feeling ‘helpless’ because I can’t remember why or how it began

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress all the Anger that comes from that point of ‘pointlessness’ that I experience whenever ‘I’ try to assess myself in the mind – not ever really Understanding that no-thing I can assess of myself is real, no-thing that I can ‘say, think, believe, feel’ is real and it will only show me the outcome of what I’ve accepted and allowed as myself – 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask and plea for acceptance, when I haven’t even realized what Acceptance really is, without me standing in full Acceptance as myself – Without me even daring to Stop and See where that Acceptance lies and what it entails –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience Anger and try to know ‘where it comes from’ – without realizing that I create Anger within me the moment I do not see the deception within me, 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having denied and suppressed anger within myself which means that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as the point of anger and from there, stop it as myself

how could I want to stop myself from something that I wasn’t even aware of?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in Selfishness and only caring about my own-existence, my own-experience, my own-bubble where if ‘things go wrong’ and ‘out of control’ – I drag everything and all around me not caring what it might entail – This is shameful to realize and to see

I stop

There is only one way: to Forgive Unconditonally – because in ForGiving we ForGet – and we bring ourselves back to Ourselves, this is the only chance we give ourselves, we live it or we die and remain in oblivion as we’ve already done in all this time.

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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