I see that the latest stages in my life the moments where I enjoyed myself were based on going out for walks in the city and taking photographs, seeing
people in the world even if it was a shitty world and reality where people on the streets asking for money is an every day thing. I enjoyed just being able
to go somewhere out by myself, I enjoyed travelling by myself, moving myself in the big cities even though if it was hellish at times with so many
people. I enjoyed even going to concerts alone because it allowed me to not have to compromise to anyone in any point –
I enjoyed waking up early in the morning when the sun was rising and going out for a walk, while listening to music, taking pictures, even if I always
went to the same spot to walk I enjoyed it. I would enjoy it the most when I used to ride my bike there but this stopped when I fell off the bike and hurt
I enjoyed simple moments in life with other beings like riding in a car during sunset time listening to music, but mostly I enjoyed those moments when I
was able to walk long distances in the city, go to my favorite coffee house, and walk around without having a specific purpose, downtown. I have been
having many flashbacks of the latest two years in my life probably with the places that I created as a point where I could just be freely walking, enjoying
the weather, the wind, the sky, coffee, seeing people, having occasional meetings with a friend for coffee / the rest of the times when it came to social
reunions I would rarely ever enjoy it / unless there was something of my specific interest involved.
I have never been a party person, I have always felt rather awkward in parties and those kind of events, they always felt too phony and artificial / unless
there was some kind of alcohol or anything else I would define it as -enjoyable/
I also enjoyed some time spent with partners even though when looking at them now I see that they all felt equally hollow at the end of the day.
In terms of being able to enjoy things that are usually enjoy … I’m finding that more difficult / nothing really bothers me neither makes my experience
as more ‘enjoyable’ than it is / how I could define it is that I am not experiencing any energetic experience from anything anymore so from that
perspective I see it is a point of stopping these mind/created experiences that I used to create a hold on, that I used to define as enjoyable, as ‘myself’,
as ‘who I am’ / so this is why I could define myself as feeling ‘apathy’ not really having a point that creates such energies that I used to define as
enjoyable, as being ‘alive’, and everything else that is created and stored as simply a memory / I see that I am defining my current experience according
to memories, to how I used to be, to the stuff I used to do and enjoy / it was mostly to get an experience out of it.
So within this I see that me being here in the physical is just that, I can’t say I am depressed / although i used to have these patterns in my experience,
it’s simply that there is no more energy ‘filling’ the experience which merely supports the mind though the point of writing this out is because I am still
‘longing’ for that experience as the past where I would be existing in a certain form of energetic experience that became habits that I would simply run
to experience a certain idea of myself as being ‘free’ and being able to go wherever I want and do whatever I want.
It is like dying, I experience myself as dying / as not having these points that I used to ‘hold-on’ to to feel alive. It-s as if the mind is requiring to generate
experiences and points that could create any form of excitement and apparent enjoyment / but not even the points that would actually create an
energetic experience create that energy anymore so
I used to take pictures but I recognize that initially I wanted to be famous, I wanted people to visit my blog which I used to update every day and I
enjoyed the recognition people made upon them, or writing poems upon them / now, that point is non existent as I recognize that I was seeking
recognition and validation for what I do / part of making ‘art’ or any other point that is able to be shown is also for others to see and enjoy, so I’m not
doing that right now /even though I do enjoy the process of taking pictures, I see no point in doing it at times / the same with videos, I enjoyed making small little weird videos that I would upload / then again it was mostly for others to see
and appreciate / so all of these activities that would previously be my point of enjoyment are gone, I’ve considerably stopped and even though I miss
doing that I see -no point- in sharing anything at all, before I would be glad even if one person liked what i shared in photos or videos, but now even that
point has no effect on whether I do things or not.
I understand the point of moving myself, where nothing is really the point of external motivation, there is no point of energetic experience involved
anymore so I do it for myself as self movement but still fall into the point of well, then what’s the use anyways?
Most of what I’ve defined as something that I enjoy making/doing involved the appreciation from others / which is the point of any point of artistic
expression / I see that I am trying to stop the point of wanting to be recognized to a fear of being recognized or others liking what I do because I take
anything from a point of preference, another systematic play out that some people have that will eventually lead them to liking or disliking / and from
this example I can extend my current perspective on everything else in this world, just systems everywhere
I feel that I am merely being entertained with stuff to do / I can’t have fun anymore, I have fun with my current partner but I see that I cannot depend on him to
actually enjoy myself which I do when being with him very much and I am completely grateful for being walking with him / but I know at the end of the
day that I am alone in my every day experience and lately more than before it feels as If I am merely waiting for an end which is the end that is always
awaiting once you are born into this world, but now for whatever cause or reason or nothing at all, time seems to be merely days that I go crossing and devouring to get to another
Seeing the current state of this world, the people, their thoughts, their beliefs, the non sense, the abuse, the discrimination, the complete disregard of
everything that matters in this world simply keeps me in a state of -what’s the use ? I understand that these are the moments where I simply have to
push myself to keep going and I do, every day but it is inevitable to come back to the same point where I question -the point- in everything we are
doing – yes I see that I would like to see some immediate effect and change which is ludicrous because this is merely starting so I stop defining these points as discouraging within this process and simply take it as what it is, the most obvious way of people reacting when realizing that this reality as we know it has been a blatant joke on ourselves, created by us, directed by us and that we have to stop it.
I remember when i got to the farm, which is 6 months ago already / we were having a conversation with bernard and he asked ‘what is the point’? And I
said there is no point / and then I heard Sunette or whoever was in the body saying -Self is the point- in that moment I realized that I had missed myself
in the whole point, completely. Once again it seems I am doing so, it is quite hard because I can’t see any ‘improvement’ but all the other way around.
Once again remember Bernard’s words on the experience of self realizing will feel as if nothing is working / yes I know that I am here with beings that
are going through the same process and might probably be experiencing the same but at the same time we can’t really talk about this. Everyone is still
too worried about sex and relationships and whatnot / not about the actual experience of going through not having these energetic experiences
anymore, how when stopping these points of definitions the point of self movement actually becomes rather difficult because there is no point of
external motivation but yourself / and how it is rather difficult to not fall into the –what’s the use- point
I recognize that I have had patterns of being rather gloomy and sort of depressive, liking rather dramatic or sad music, finding it difficult to enjoy stuff
that most of the people would enjoy, preferring to be alone than with many people, preferring to be the observer than an active participant, I see that I lack enthusiasm lately.
I simply see that it is cool in a way to have a simple life though having to eat, shit and piss all the time is something that I have to stop defining as a drag,
even though there I enjoy eating, I have to stop seeing my body as a drag, but it seems rather hard to say that i have to stop seeing the world with such
points of expression like painting and drawing… they all fall into the same point> sad faces being dissected, divided, distorted, cities portrayed as
chaotic, images of destruction because I still want to simply give a dead end to this all. I see no use in keeping the world and the people in it as it is now
/ nothing really is a point of enthusiasm anymore I see that I have defined my life according to places and activities and when these points are gone, my enjoyment is apparently gone /
So within this I see that I can only keep walking because there is nothing else to do and I am aware that I am in the best place I could be because I realize that I can still support people that are going through the same process and that I have to stop falling into the -what’s the use- point
Since I was a little girl I was fascinated with the end of the world, by apocalypsis, by all these prophecies and stuff that would simply give an end, that would bring death. In my early teenage years I would engage myself fascinated in conversations with friends where I would explain that I see no other way to change this world but to give an end to all and start from scratch / I have been fascinated by death in fact, even my favorite tv series is related to death. When we have discussions with Bernard, the only ones where I see myself smiling is when he talks about everything ending in one way or another / so I realize this is all coming from a point of my own resonance which I have to take on and direct otherwise it can go as low as it can go
I stop thinking that others have actually lived ‘more’ in a way than myself and realize that no one has ever lived, no matter how much fun or enjoyment they seemed to have.
I see everyone’s lives as empty and that are merely ‘filled’ with certain points to make it not so miserable / this is but a gloomy vision that I have kept as part of myself I see and realize but in the end, if this world wasn’t as fucked as it is i wouldn’t be having these thoughts.
I see no point in sharing these kind of experiences anymore because Immediately degrade them to the level of mind bullshit but they end up becoming my experience because I haven’t place them out as the information it is, as points of definition according to who I was / as a point of knowledge that we are aware of ‘we are not our minds, we are not our emotions and feelings’ which implies that this point of suppressing is also keeping it as part of myself.
So here it is, raw writing.