Back in the Matrix and Agreement Feedback

I am back and writing on the Agreement and my current experience on being back in the matrix – this is a post originally placed in the following discussion http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=290&t=17262&p=122938#p122938 -it became a blog entry of sorts, therefore here it is
From the beginning I placed myself into th Agreement within what I considered ‘fully’ and ‘completely’ into it, I was quite certain it would ‘work’ – as most of you had probably heard also within the agreement discussion on how the basic platform of support was there – yet the comfort zone became a point of stagnation wherein I felt ‘too comfortable’ within the environment and my life at that moment – meaning being at the farm, being with Jorn, supporting directly with Desteni material – within me I knew that ‘planning the future’ would mean having to leave the farm, going back to Mexico which had been the basic point agreed upon since I arrived at the farm and within that, there was a point that was barely discussed which was Jorn coming with me. I didn’t bring it up as obvious as it was in discussing it with him because I knew that discussing that would inevitably bring an end to my stay at the farm, to immediately direct myself and thus with Jorn along moving back into the matrix yet, with certain questions that were made towards future planning and Mexico which was merely brought up some times by Bernard. Afterwards I could see that we wouldn’t discuss anything on it, I saw uncertainty and indecision which I tried to ‘relieve’ through creating an excuse of ‘he’s got to deal with his own stuff first’, ‘have to give some time’, ‘it’s probably to early to talk about it’ yet at the same time I was postponing thus ‘waiting’ for an apparent moment when I would be ‘ready’ to open up our next move in taking off from the farm – this never happened as now I realize that one is always ready and it is a matter of directing ourselves – This is where I fell, wherein I didn’t want to once again, impose myself or ‘rush’ things for myself and another, because I allowed uncertainty and postponement to plan the future of ourselves in our standing within the agreement due to the inherent fear that I had of possibly having to ‘end the agreement’ if all points weren’t met accordingly- which is what happened in the end of course, because simply by that existent point of ‘fearing the agreement to end’ it was already opening a door for it to happen. 
So, within my ‘indecision’ and desire to remain in the comfort zone, I allowed my own self directive point to become almost non existent within the agreement – I started creating judgments on jorn on how I saw he would spend his time yet never spoke about it because of not wanting to ‘impose’ myself towards what I was seeing – meaning, I fell here on not standing within principle and falling in some kind of ‘respecting his own space’ or creating an idea of ‘he’s facing a point, he is aware of it, he’ll get out of it soon’ – and shit like that which I created within my mind and whenever I tried to get some feedback upon it from him, I would be satisfied with taking such point as an ‘ongoing process’ of transcending some ‘points’ which I allowed to exist within myself within my own postponement to direct myself within the situation and in common sense not allowing any point of dishonesty to exist and simply communicate it in the moment – which is eventually what happened. 
So, as Jorn has mentioned he had all that stuff running inside him as that ‘fear of the future’ which only after the agreement had ended got to know specifically what it was about – I instead allowed myself to become an observer of his own internalization and didn’t direct myself effectively towards him when standing in an agreement which is, as has been said, designed to face points and have that clear communication, that sharing and feedback for each other – so that point failed as well – yet we remained in a comfort zone that became more of a point of discomfort the last weeks within myself, because due to me not seeing my judgment towards him as ‘valid’ in terms of how he was spending his time on the computer, yet allowing myself to exist with such judgment keeping it only to myself – I didn’t ask for support which I also understand now it’s a point of ego in ‘wanting things to do it all by myself’ and wanting to ‘sort it out myself’ which only lead me to be in a self designed trap due to not having applied myself with basic self support as writing this points out and discussing them with jorn to clear these points out. I can recall we used to do this clear communication point before and it was of great support, yet this single point of discussing the future I am certainly aware that I postponed as a pattern that I have created as myself to ‘wait’ for things to somehow ‘happen’ yet not directing myself within it. 
So, how did I came to the ultimate decision? – The communication and the agreement itself were simply not serving its purpose anymore, I saw that I was communicating more with other beings than with Jorn himself, I started feeling uncomfortable and irritated about the situation which is the compounding of my untold and non shared judgments on my observations – here becoming an observer instead of actively participating in it – yet, didn’t speak up – this is my dishonesty that lasted even after the agreement ended and was only cleared after few days when I described specific situations and moments when I created this judgment and eventually to the point where one day within my attempt to do something about such internalization, in a desperate and manipulative manner I lead to the point of physical contact which was simply not followed through and thus I realized there was a problem and in that moment was the final confirmation that there was something wrong within it all. Just as pointer, watch the ‘Sex is important’ series, I’ve just watched them and what happened is something similar wherein one experience takes over and a resistance is created and so on – I also remembered Bernard explaining this same point to Katie and Cameron once on how if one side of the agreement resists to have sex, there is a problem as you can’t deny to have sex and that any excuse is simply not acceptable – so for further assitance, watch these series as they explain such points in detail. 
Ok so that happened and then the Political Forum was being set up and my application had to be placed. 
To place things in context – When I got to the Farm I was told that I had to be part of Politics, a point that I immediately reacted because I had the limited idea of politics being the nasty greedy politician that is corrupted and abusive in all ways – yet I took this point as ‘something to deal with in the future’ and didn’t go any further on this until the Political Forum was set up and everyone that wanted to participate was asked to send an email applying to get into it explaining what we wanted to do and ‘our place of application’ – When this point opened up, I saw it was ‘the point’ that I had to face and that I required to make decisions immediately – that didn’t happen as I waited two weeks up to the last day of april to send my application. 
The context of this moment was quite crucial, I saw the agreement ‘sinking’ in a way, in the inside I was hoping it would get ‘better’ somehow, even with my somewhat desperate acts to ‘save it’ yet in reality I simply left it as a point that could ‘sort itself out’ later on – obviously, not being directive here either. 
When writing out this application letter and saw myself writing that my place of activity was going to be ‘Mexico’ I knew that I had to go back – this is how it works: you write it, you live it and there’s no going back – I had made a decision that was already placed from the very beginning yet it came ‘here’ in that moment. 
So, as the political forum opened that same night I was thrilled with being part of it, went to the Kitchen and told Bernard that I realized I had to go back to Mexico to which he replied that it was ‘inevitable’ and in that moment I was making the decision to go back – all the previous resistances to go back to Mexico just disappeared as I knew this simply had to be done – yet in a way, in a not so conscious way I did see the convenience of taking this step in that moment to actually get to the Self Movement point that I had postponed for so long. In that moment the point of the agreement and what would happen with me going back only came in my mind in that moment, yet I somehow knew I had already given up on it to a certain extent as I had seen there was no interest from Jorn to learn spanish and I couldn’t see myself pushing him to do so a third time after two kind of ‘failed’ attempts to do so – so it was like an already made decision that he wasn’t going with me even though I didn’t discuss anything of this with him as I made that decision that night of the opening of the Political Forum, and two or so days afterwards I had a chat with Bernard and he cleared out how I had already made the decision to end the agreement, yet I waited too long to speak about it – So that’s what I did in that moment, I ended the agreement – 
I’d like to say that even though it was my decision to make all the moves, it was quite tough for me because I had made the final decision to go back to Mexico, which I have to be dead honest about it I had formed even ‘nightmares’ about coming back because it implied leaving the farm which has been the place I’ve probably always wanted to be in my existence – coming back to face what I had left off as my past and place myself within the system again within taking my own point of responsibility to establish equality here – and obviously ending the agreement which was quite ‘tough’ in the very beginning and I was obviously sad and fluctuating in experiences of sadness and regret yet seeing the point that I was standing for and stopping the experience. So it was leaving the greatest experiences I’ve had in my life with all that it entailed – I realized it was about time to leave after one whole year. I had plans before this to go and meet my family in germany at the end of may, I was originally going to go back to SA yet within seeing that being in germany meant already being ‘half way back to mexico’ I decided to leave to mexico right after germany, which is what I did. Today I would’ve been flying back to SA – there’s an empty seat in that plane as I am writing this.
Within a chat I had with Bernard few days prior leaving the farm, he made clear that this opportunity of the agreement was simply ‘gone’ and so I was meeting ‘regret’ first hand with this experience – yet also the point on how Process comes first and agreements second was simply a confirmation that even though my decision might’ve been of convenience when seeing the agreement was not going any further due to the practicality of it and the points within the agreement itself as communicating and facing points not working anymore as before, I decided to make that move which was overall quick due to the circumstances.
Now, every time an experience would come up with regards to leaving the farm, having ended the agreement and deciding to come back I simply remind myself what I’m standing for, what matters, what I have to simply ponder upon my own personal benefit – It was interesting seeing how I was ‘tempted’ to stay longer, lolol very cool actually because it was like offering more candy to a kid. First time I said I’d think about it but it wasn’t really so, I had made the decision and I wasn’t going to step back – the second time I simply said that I had made the decision and that was going to do it – I see it now as a cool way to test my ground, to not fall for the candy again but to decide to remain constant within my decision. Why is it cool to stand within such a decision? Because I assume responsibility for my decision, meaning, I am going to live the consequences of my direct decision to do these changes in my life – whether ‘good’ or ‘bad’ doesn’t matter, all I know is I have created them and so I am and will stand accordingly, this I can say is a way to test myself within my past, to face the past and stand as myself within it – One is never ready, we are always ready – there is nothing to be ready for, you just do it. 
I have mostly sorted out the emotional attachment that I created within the agreement as well, I have written a lot and the last disscussions I had with jorn were cool enough to finally speak it all out, and see my own point of dishonesty which was that of not directing myself within principle but allowing one point of ‘comfort’ to override to not create any conflict that could inevitably lead to the manifestation of the fear that I had with regards to ending the agreement – within that allowing myself to fall and allowing jorn to do so as well – within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself with regards to the standing within principle in the agreement and fall instead to the point of relationship where things are kept aside to maintain an apparent state of comfort and stability. 
The night before leaving the farm I had a Resonance Discussion where many points were cleared up within myself and it was the kind of support that till this day I have literally ‘in mind’ to create my self support platform every moment I am here as things within the general picture of this country are more fucked up than I thought. I am slowly but surely re-inserting myself again here, facing my ‘family’, facing old ‘friends’, facing the way things are here which are mostly or generally fucked up, even facing reactions that people have towards my bald head, lol – you should see their faces.
I can see how important is to have this point of Self Reference which is to have the constant awareness of ‘who I am and what I stand for’ to apply myself, to direct myself and within that stopping any experience that I’ve seen comes up when waking up and realizing I am here, I mean even the point of not having an immediate responsibility of feeding the horses in the morning has made a difference within me waking up immediately – so I’ve been ‘pushing’ myself during these days to stand up, which is quite odd as that hadn’t happened in a long time -yet it’s not really a problem – only allowed 5 more minutes on bed which I see as not cool yet – immediate waking up is best for all, lol.
At the moment I’ve been talking with people, I’ve been deliberately calling and contacting some people, I am actually kind of avid to know where they’re standing and what’s going on in their lives on their general experience as a human being in this country specifically – most have been direct bad experiences, bad news, which translates into an evident self defeatism within most of the people in an internal and therefore external level which is the context of this reality I have stepped into. I mean, even with a ‘stranger’ that started talking to me while attempting to cross a busy street saying that there is a lot a lot to do in Mexico yet – We were simply crossing a road that doesn’t have specific time for people to cross by or time in the traffic lights to walk without being threatened to be ran over by cars – I saw sadness on his face which was the sadness I have possibly merely projected from my experience from the moment I arrived at the airport in Mexico city – that was the first morning I went out to the streets, to ride a bus and get back on track to get my cellphone sorted out to ‘plug’ myself back into reality of cellphones. 
I can say it was quite a huge contrast to go from the Farm (not really South Africa because as I have realized I never got to see too much of south africa, I simply lived at the Farm as a separate reality which I consider heavenly, the ideal heaven where everyone works, takes responsibility for their own points yet enjoy and live withing a self supportive structure that stands for Self Honesty) – so it was going from the theoretical and practical application of myself within process and living with beings that are equally walking the process, to Germany where I met my family again (quite an initial clash really) and into a perfectly structured, perfectly apparent stable matrix like Germany and then into Mexico – lol. From Heaven, to purgatory to hell. I don’t want to create a wrong impression of Mexico, I am simply describing my experience to a point of how I perceived it to be in that moment, the re-inserting or re-activating of memories related to the country, the language, the people, the manners, the ways, everything … I found it quite difficult not to compare it to Germany, or the Farm – but mostly Germany in the context of it being ‘reality’ or ‘the matrix’ – how people live, think, act, move, direct there is opposite from mexico – I’ll probably write more on this later. 
From the moment I got here I’ve seen how my mind operates in ‘refreshing’ the information, even the way I speak now is more of a ‘normal accent’ of spanish than before when I would speak some spanish at the farm or in germany, lol. I see how that point of the mind operates in relation to ‘where you’re at’ and the conditioning of the environment – I see myself as being swimming against the tide here at the moment – yet I have at a point of knowledge the point that many more beings are wanting to do similar points to stand up which I have yet to meet in person, study their proposals and get further in real contact with them. Shaving my head on a daily basis has been great support as well, it is a daily reminder of the Principle I’m standing and living for, it is a daily reminder in every moment of who I am and also a cool way to demonstrate in a pacific way my non-compliance to conventions of this system and how human beings have to look and be – Interesting to see that people here react with facial gestures way more than in places like South Africa or Germany – even though they make gestures, they don’t ask about it –
So – at the moment I can see thoughts coming to my head with regards to being alone, to not being in the farm, to having left the farm, to answer the same questions over and over again of why I left the farm if I was ‘happy’ there and doing ‘my thing’ there – When I reply that I simply had to take my own point of self responsibility in coming to Mexico to apply it here in my reality, they simply keep quiet or say ‘that’s good’- some others show faces that I’ve interpreted like ‘you have no idea what’s going on here’ – To all of this I can see that in the past I would’ve definitely succumbed to a form of sadness or depression, yet I am not delving into it and stopping the thoughts that create that experience and instead simply direct myself in the moment. I can’t say it is definitive yet as the ‘reality’ within the farm comes up everytime as a ‘fleeting moment’ within myself – so I bring myself here, breathe and continue walking – 
I am going to clear the point of ‘no matter what’ and my understanding of it – this ‘no matter’ what within the agreement is simply a point where any point is able to faced and corrected within the agreement therefore within self when standing in such directive principle – yet within an agreement there are two or more parties that have to stand within the same point of being directive in standing ‘no matter what’ and if one or both fail to live this basic point of self honesty, then it’s quite obvious it will fall as it immediately implies that there is an excuse allowed, a justification, an idea, a belief of yourself that is tampering the process of bringing everything to a common ground, to a common sense point of Equality. So that’s when personality overrides the Principle, and that’s the problem mainly. 
I realized at the end of the agreement the point of there being no valid excuse to end the agreement, not even the point of ‘coming to mexico’ as such – I personally know of many couples wherein one of them is the foreigner and they do manage to get through the eventual barriers or difficulties that come with it – perhaps if that basic point of standing within certainty within ourselves individually, the agreement and the standing through ‘no matter what’ could’ve actually happened in a different way – though, it is done. 
With regards to the ‘sadness’ I see that I reacted to your comment Richard, I can see I could only write more justifications and yearnings towards how I would’ve liked things to be different as if they had been created by themselves, but I am aware of my self creation point and thus, as ‘sad’ as it was or it’s been, it’s simply an experience and thus I’ve stopped it because there is no point in being sad about it – that would simply be accepting an experience as myself from a point that I created myself, that I decided myself and towards an event that is already done and gone – and within this I simply take things as they are. 
I’d also like to say that there was a conflictive point that came up within me at the end where jorn pointed out that me deciding to come back in such a rushed way seemed like a way to escape from the agreement and facing the points- I said in that moment that I could see how the agreement ‘not working’ could’ve influenced my decision – I can see that things could’ve been different if the agreement had been working effectively – yet it would’ve probably only postponed the inevitable, as has been mentioned, which was doing what I just did: coming back. 
The point of standing exists in every moment that I see my mind going into memories of my experience there, or yearning that things could’ve been different from what it was in the end, yet all of this is simply a mind creation which comes up every time I want to ‘fly away’ from being here and facing my immediate reality or any experience being created here. 
I’m being cautious in not creating an ‘added’ value to coming here and seeing it as a ‘heroic’ point or doing something ‘good’ or ‘overcoming my personal interest’ which I can see that simply by mentioning them, they are existent within me – I remind myself of being living my own decision which I repeat, it’s been great to be able to say I decided to do this because even though everyone could point out that I should’ve stayed there enjoying myself, I see that I had to Direct and Move myself, to face my fear which in the end was coming back to Mexico where I left off, going back to school and into the system – In the end my personal fear was this, and so I am giving it direction by facing it and standing through that initial resistance to do so and walking it every single moment a reaction comes up with regards to my decision. This is what I see as standing within Principle and not following my own comfort zone again – yet I have to make sure I don’t create a comfort zone here or anywhere else again – I can say that I required some ‘time’ to digest the whole thing to be able to come here and write it out for everyone to read. 
I do prefer extensive and detailed sharing for my own point of reference and clarity – that’s how I walked my writing process before as it is the way I came to be able to communicate with myself effectively, to be specific and explicit about a point – as I go writing, if I see a point that is entailing not wanting to ‘come clear’ about something I stop and write it out with further explanation. 
Finally, the agreement point – I can’t have second thoughts about it anymore as what is done is done and there’s no ‘going back’ – not all stories have a happy ending and I simply thank jorn for all the time we lived and shared together, I enjoyed it tremendously and I do encourage you to not accept and allow yourself to exist within such perception of yourself as how you wrote you saw yourself currently- if you’ve realized that definition is allowed, stop and correct yourself by standing within this point and not allowing anything less than who you really are. I do agree with Viktor to simply not allow a point of self defeatism and seeing the point of Self Dishonesty not as who you are but as a way to realize what points you have to correct yourself in –
With regards to the recording, I can also see that I did not participate fully in that conversation because – here comes the justification- I was existing within an ‘experience’ within myself as the process of ending the agreement and leaving the farm and allowing feelings and emotions to take over for some time which had come up the day prior to that discussion due to having discussed the actual facts and things I accepted and allowed within myself in the agreement and seeing that I didn’t direct myself effectively in that directiveness within communicating, opening up points without fearing conflict or an eventual end of the agreement and within that allowing another to fall as well – that was hard to realize which created the experience of sadness and wanting things to be different or even go back some time to make a different decision- yet, after knowing that the basic uncertainty towards the agreement was existent from the beginning I realized that I had been living sort of a lie as well which was quite hard to realize the moment that point was discussed. So many things were going on in that moment, yet in that moment it was a cool conclusion to all that we had discussed before – I do understand that without having basic context or background on it, it’s difficult to understand the points or ‘why’ this happend – so maybe these words will allow everyone to understand a bit more. 
Okay, this is as much as can come up in the moment – I definitely recommend everyone to face themselves within an opportunity to stand within an agreement because you can’t really hide yourself within it – From my experience, I suggest to not allow oneself to exist within fear of loss, fear of ending the agreement, having thoughts of it being ‘too good to be true’ – the moment such thoughts arise, suggest to investigate, to get to the core point of what such points are showing you – I made the mistake to leave them under the rug which inevitably made a bump on thI am going to write about what happened in my experience and will try to take on some points that have been mentioned and not properly explained in such recording. I will also add some context of my current experience and insertion in the matrix again.
From the beginning I placed myself into th Agreement within what I considered ‘fully’ and ‘completely’ into it, I was quite certain it would ‘work’ – as most of you had probably heard also within the agreement discussion on how the basic platform of support was there – yet the comfort zone became a point of stagnation wherein I felt ‘too comfortable’ within the environment and my life at that moment – meaning being at the farm, being with Jorn, supporting directly with Desteni material – within me I knew that ‘planning the future’ would mean having to leave the farm, going back to Mexico which had been the basic point agreed upon since I arrived at the farm and within that, there was a point that was barely discussed which was Jorn coming with me. I didn’t bring it up as obvious as it was in discussing it with him because I knew that discussing that would inevitably bring an end to my stay at the farm, to immediately direct myself and thus with Jorn along moving back into the matrix yet, with certain questions that were made towards future planning and Mexico which was merely brought up some times by Bernard. Afterwards I could see that we wouldn’t discuss anything on it, I saw uncertainty and indecision which I tried to ‘relieve’ through creating an excuse of ‘he’s got to deal with his own stuff first’, ‘have to give some time’, ‘it’s probably to early to talk about it’ yet at the same time I was postponing thus ‘waiting’ for an apparent moment when I would be ‘ready’ to open up our next move in taking off from the farm – this never happened as now I realize that one is always ready and it is a matter of directing ourselves – This is where I fell, wherein I didn’t want to once again, impose myself or ‘rush’ things for myself and another, because I allowed uncertainty and postponement to plan the future of ourselves in our standing within the agreement due to the inherent fear that I had of possibly having to ‘end the agreement’ if all points weren’t met accordingly- which is what happened in the end of course, because simply by that existent point of ‘fearing the agreement to end’ it was already opening a door for it to happen. 
So, within my ‘indecision’ and desire to remain in the comfort zone, I allowed my own self directive point to become almost non existent within the agreement – I started creating judgments on jorn on how I saw he would spend his time yet never spoke about it because of not wanting to ‘impose’ myself towards what I was seeing – meaning, I fell here on not standing within principle and falling in some kind of ‘respecting his own space’ or creating an idea of ‘he’s facing a point, he is aware of it, he’ll get out of it soon’ – and shit like that which I created within my mind and whenever I tried to get some feedback upon it from him, I would be satisfied with taking such point as an ‘ongoing process’ of transcending some ‘points’ which I allowed to exist within myself within my own postponement to direct myself within the situation and in common sense not allowing any point of dishonesty to exist and simply communicate it in the moment – which is eventually what happened. 
So, as Jorn has mentioned he had all that stuff running inside him as that ‘fear of the future’ which only after the agreement had ended got to know specifically what it was about – I instead allowed myself to become an observer of his own internalization and didn’t direct myself effectively towards him when standing in an agreement which is, as has been said, designed to face points and have that clear communication, that sharing and feedback for each other – so that point failed as well – yet we remained in a comfort zone that became more of a point of discomfort the last weeks within myself, because due to me not seeing my judgment towards him as ‘valid’ in terms of how he was spending his time on the computer, yet allowing myself to exist with such judgment keeping it only to myself – I didn’t ask for support which I also understand now it’s a point of ego in ‘wanting things to do it all by myself’ and wanting to ‘sort it out myself’ which only lead me to be in a self designed trap due to not having applied myself with basic self support as writing this points out and discussing them with jorn to clear these points out. I can recall we used to do this clear communication point before and it was of great support, yet this single point of discussing the future I am certainly aware that I postponed as a pattern that I have created as myself to ‘wait’ for things to somehow ‘happen’ yet not directing myself within it. 
So, how did I came to the ultimate decision? – The communication and the agreement itself were simply not serving its purpose anymore, I saw that I was communicating more with other beings than with Jorn himself, I started feeling uncomfortable and irritated about the situation which is the compounding of my untold and non shared judgments on my observations – here becoming an observer instead of actively participating in it – yet, didn’t speak up – this is my dishonesty that lasted even after the agreement ended and was only cleared after few days when I described specific situations and moments when I created this judgment and eventually to the point where one day within my attempt to do something about such internalization, in a desperate and manipulative manner I lead to the point of physical contact which was simply not followed through and thus I realized there was a problem and in that moment was the final confirmation that there was something wrong within it all. Just as pointer, watch the ‘Sex is important’ series, I’ve just watched them and what happened is something similar wherein one experience takes over and a resistance is created and so on – I also remembered Bernard explaining this same point to Katie and Cameron once on how if one side of the agreement resists to have sex, there is a problem as you can’t deny to have sex and that any excuse is simply not acceptable – so for further assitance, watch these series as they explain such points in detail. 
Ok so that happened and then the Political Forum was being set up and my application had to be placed. 
To place things in context – When I got to the Farm I was told that I had to be part of Politics, a point that I immediately reacted because I had the limited idea of politics being the nasty greedy politician that is corrupted and abusive in all ways – yet I took this point as ‘something to deal with in the future’ and didn’t go any further on this until the Political Forum was set up and everyone that wanted to participate was asked to send an email applying to get into it explaining what we wanted to do and ‘our place of application’ – When this point opened up, I saw it was ‘the point’ that I had to face and that I required to make decisions immediately – that didn’t happen as I waited two weeks up to the last day of april to send my application. 
The context of this moment was quite crucial, I saw the agreement ‘sinking’ in a way, in the inside I was hoping it would get ‘better’ somehow, even with my somewhat desperate acts to ‘save it’ yet in reality I simply left it as a point that could ‘sort itself out’ later on – obviously, not being directive here either. 
When writing out this application letter and saw myself writing that my place of activity was going to be ‘Mexico’ I knew that I had to go back – this is how it works: you write it, you live it and there’s no going back – I had made a decision that was already placed from the very beginning yet it came ‘here’ in that moment. 
So, as the political forum opened that same night I was thrilled with being part of it, went to the Kitchen and told Bernard that I realized I had to go back to Mexico to which he replied that it was ‘inevitable’ and in that moment I was making the decision to go back – all the previous resistances to go back to Mexico just disappeared as I knew this simply had to be done – yet in a way, in a not so conscious way I did see the convenience of taking this step in that moment to actually get to the Self Movement point that I had postponed for so long. In that moment the point of the agreement and what would happen with me going back only came in my mind in that moment, yet I somehow knew I had already given up on it to a certain extent as I had seen there was no interest from Jorn to learn spanish and I couldn’t see myself pushing him to do so a third time after two kind of ‘failed’ attempts to do so – so it was like an already made decision that he wasn’t going with me even though I didn’t discuss anything of this with him as I made that decision that night of the opening of the Political Forum, and two or so days afterwards I had a chat with Bernard and he cleared out how I had already made the decision to end the agreement, yet I waited too long to speak about it – So that’s what I did in that moment, I ended the agreement – 
I’d like to say that even though it was my decision to make all the moves, it was quite tough for me because I had made the final decision to go back to Mexico, which I have to be dead honest about it I had formed even ‘nightmares’ about coming back because it implied leaving the farm which has been the place I’ve probably always wanted to be in my existence – coming back to face what I had left off as my past and place myself within the system again within taking my own point of responsibility to establish equality here – and obviously ending the agreement which was quite ‘tough’ in the very beginning and I was obviously sad and fluctuating in experiences of sadness and regret yet seeing the point that I was standing for and stopping the experience. So it was leaving the greatest experiences I’ve had in my life with all that it entailed – I realized it was about time to leave after one whole year. I had plans before this to go and meet my family in germany at the end of may, I was originally going to go back to SA yet within seeing that being in germany meant already being ‘half way back to mexico’ I decided to leave to mexico right after germany, which is what I did. Today I would’ve been flying back to SA – there’s an empty seat in that plane as I am writing this.
Within a chat I had with Bernard few days prior leaving the farm, he made clear that this opportunity of the agreement was simply ‘gone’ and so I was meeting ‘regret’ first hand with this experience – yet also the point on how Process comes first and agreements second was simply a confirmation that even though my decision might’ve been of convenience when seeing the agreement was not going any further due to the practicality of it and the points within the agreement itself as communicating and facing points not working anymore as before, I decided to make that move which was overall quick due to the circumstances.
Now, every time an experience would come up with regards to leaving the farm, having ended the agreement and deciding to come back I simply remind myself what I’m standing for, what matters, what I have to simply ponder upon my own personal benefit – It was interesting seeing how I was ‘tempted’ to stay longer, lolol very cool actually because it was like offering more candy to a kid. First time I said I’d think about it but it wasn’t really so, I had made the decision and I wasn’t going to step back – the second time I simply said that I had made the decision and that was going to do it – I see it now as a cool way to test my ground, to not fall for the candy again but to decide to remain constant within my decision. Why is it cool to stand within such a decision? Because I assume responsibility for my decision, meaning, I am going to live the consequences of my direct decision to do these changes in my life – whether ‘good’ or ‘bad’ doesn’t matter, all I know is I have created them and so I am and will stand accordingly, this I can say is a way to test myself within my past, to face the past and stand as myself within it – One is never ready, we are always ready – there is nothing to be ready for, you just do it. 
I have mostly sorted out the emotional attachment that I created within the agreement as well, I have written a lot and the last disscussions I had with jorn were cool enough to finally speak it all out, and see my own point of dishonesty which was that of not directing myself within principle but allowing one point of ‘comfort’ to override to not create any conflict that could inevitably lead to the manifestation of the fear that I had with regards to ending the agreement – within that allowing myself to fall and allowing jorn to do so as well – within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself with regards to the standing within principle in the agreement and fall instead to the point of relationship where things are kept aside to maintain an apparent state of comfort and stability. 
The night before leaving the farm I had a Resonance Discussion where many points were cleared up within myself and it was the kind of support that till this day I have literally ‘in mind’ to create my self support platform every moment I am here as things within the general picture of this country are more fucked up than I thought. I am slowly but surely re-inserting myself again here, facing my ‘family’, facing old ‘friends’, facing the way things are here which are mostly or generally fucked up, even facing reactions that people have towards my bald head, lol – you should see their faces.
I can see how important is to have this point of Self Reference which is to have the constant awareness of ‘who I am and what I stand for’ to apply myself, to direct myself and within that stopping any experience that I’ve seen comes up when waking up and realizing I am here, I mean even the point of not having an immediate responsibility of feeding the horses in the morning has made a difference within me waking up immediately – so I’ve been ‘pushing’ myself during these days to stand up, which is quite odd as that hadn’t happened in a long time -yet it’s not really a problem – only allowed 5 more minutes on bed which I see as not cool yet – immediate waking up is best for all, lol.
At the moment I’ve been talking with people, I’ve been deliberately calling and contacting some people, I am actually kind of avid to know where they’re standing and what’s going on in their lives on their general experience as a human being in this country specifically – most have been direct bad experiences, bad news, which translates into an evident self defeatism within most of the people in an internal and therefore external level which is the context of this reality I have stepped into. I mean, even with a ‘stranger’ that started talking to me while attempting to cross a busy street saying that there is a lot a lot to do in Mexico yet – We were simply crossing a road that doesn’t have specific time for people to cross by or time in the traffic lights to walk without being threatened to be ran over by cars – I saw sadness on his face which was the sadness I have possibly merely projected from my experience from the moment I arrived at the airport in Mexico city – that was the first morning I went out to the streets, to ride a bus and get back on track to get my cellphone sorted out to ‘plug’ myself back into reality of cellphones. 
I can say it was quite a huge contrast to go from the Farm (not really South Africa because as I have realized I never got to see too much of south africa, I simply lived at the Farm as a separate reality which I consider heavenly, the ideal heaven where everyone works, takes responsibility for their own points yet enjoy and live withing a self supportive structure that stands for Self Honesty) – so it was going from the theoretical and practical application of myself within process and living with beings that are equally walking the process, to Germany where I met my family again (quite an initial clash really) and into a perfectly structured, perfectly apparent stable matrix like Germany and then into Mexico – lol. From Heaven, to purgatory to hell. I don’t want to create a wrong impression of Mexico, I am simply describing my experience to a point of how I perceived it to be in that moment, the re-inserting or re-activating of memories related to the country, the language, the people, the manners, the ways, everything … I found it quite difficult not to compare it to Germany, or the Farm – but mostly Germany in the context of it being ‘reality’ or ‘the matrix’ – how people live, think, act, move, direct there is opposite from mexico – I’ll probably write more on this later. 
From the moment I got here I’ve seen how my mind operates in ‘refreshing’ the information, even the way I speak now is more of a ‘normal accent’ of spanish than before when I would speak some spanish at the farm or in germany, lol. I see how that point of the mind operates in relation to ‘where you’re at’ and the conditioning of the environment – I see myself as being swimming against the tide here at the moment – yet I have at a point of knowledge the point that many more beings are wanting to do similar points to stand up which I have yet to meet in person, study their proposals and get further in real contact with them. Shaving my head on a daily basis has been great support as well, it is a daily reminder of the Principle I’m standing and living for, it is a daily reminder in every moment of who I am and also a cool way to demonstrate in a pacific way my non-compliance to conventions of this system and how human beings have to look and be – Interesting to see that people here react with facial gestures way more than in places like South Africa or Germany – even though they make gestures, they don’t ask about it –
So – at the moment I can see thoughts coming to my head with regards to being alone, to not being in the farm, to having left the farm, to answer the same questions over and over again of why I left the farm if I was ‘happy’ there and doing ‘my thing’ there – When I reply that I simply had to take my own point of self responsibility in coming to Mexico to apply it here in my reality, they simply keep quiet or say ‘that’s good’- some others show faces that I’ve interpreted like ‘you have no idea what’s going on here’ – To all of this I can see that in the past I would’ve definitely succumbed to a form of sadness or depression, yet I am not delving into it and stopping the thoughts that create that experience and instead simply direct myself in the moment. I can’t say it is definitive yet as the ‘reality’ within the farm comes up everytime as a ‘fleeting moment’ within myself – so I bring myself here, breathe and continue walking – 
I am going to clear the point of ‘no matter what’ and my understanding of it – this ‘no matter’ what within the agreement is simply a point where any point is able to faced and corrected within the agreement therefore within self when standing in such directive principle – yet within an agreement there are two or more parties that have to stand within the same point of being directive in standing ‘no matter what’ and if one or both fail to live this basic point of self honesty, then it’s quite obvious it will fall as it immediately implies that there is an excuse allowed, a justification, an idea, a belief of yourself that is tampering the process of bringing everything to a common ground, to a common sense point of Equality. So that’s when personality overrides the Principle, and that’s the problem mainly. 
I realized at the end of the agreement the point of there being no valid excuse to end the agreement, not even the point of ‘coming to mexico’ as such – I personally know of many couples wherein one of them is the foreigner and they do manage to get through the eventual barriers or difficulties that come with it – perhaps if that basic point of standing within certainty within ourselves individually, the agreement and the standing through ‘no matter what’ could’ve actually happened in a different way – though, it is done. 
With regards to the ‘sadness’ I see that I reacted to your comment Richard, I can see I could only write more justifications and yearnings towards how I would’ve liked things to be different as if they had been created by themselves, but I am aware of my self creation point and thus, as ‘sad’ as it was or it’s been, it’s simply an experience and thus I’ve stopped it because there is no point in being sad about it – that would simply be accepting an experience as myself from a point that I created myself, that I decided myself and towards an event that is already done and gone – and within this I simply take things as they are. 
I’d also like to say that there was a conflictive point that came up within me at the end where jorn pointed out that me deciding to come back in such a rushed way seemed like a way to escape from the agreement and facing the points- I said in that moment that I could see how the agreement ‘not working’ could’ve influenced my decision – I can see that things could’ve been different if the agreement had been working effectively – yet it would’ve probably only postponed the inevitable, as has been mentioned, which was doing what I just did: coming back. 
The point of standing exists in every moment that I see my mind going into memories of my experience there, or yearning that things could’ve been different from what it was in the end, yet all of this is simply a mind creation which comes up every time I want to ‘fly away’ from being here and facing my immediate reality or any experience being created here. 
I’m being cautious in not creating an ‘added’ value to coming here and seeing it as a ‘heroic’ point or doing something ‘good’ or ‘overcoming my personal interest’ which I can see that simply by mentioning them, they are existent within me – I remind myself of being living my own decision which I repeat, it’s been great to be able to say I decided to do this because even though everyone could point out that I should’ve stayed there enjoying myself, I see that I had to Direct and Move myself, to face my fear which in the end was coming back to Mexico where I left off, going back to school and into the system – In the end my personal fear was this, and so I am giving it direction by facing it and standing through that initial resistance to do so and walking it every single moment a reaction comes up with regards to my decision. This is what I see as standing within Principle and not following my own comfort zone again – yet I have to make sure I don’t create a comfort zone here or anywhere else again – I can say that I required some ‘time’ to digest the whole thing to be able to come here and write it out for everyone to read. 
I do prefer extensive and detailed sharing for my own point of reference and clarity – that’s how I walked my writing process before as it is the way I came to be able to communicate with myself effectively, to be specific and explicit about a point – as I go writing, if I see a point that is entailing not wanting to ‘come clear’ about something I stop and write it out with further explanation. 
Finally, the agreement point – I can’t have second thoughts about it anymore as what is done is done and there’s no ‘going back’ – not all stories have a happy ending and I simply thank jorn for all the time we lived and shared together, I enjoyed it tremendously and I do encourage you to not accept and allow yourself to exist within such perception of yourself as how you wrote you saw yourself currently- if you’ve realized that definition is allowed, stop and correct yourself by standing within this point and not allowing anything less than who you really are. I do agree with Viktor to simply not allow a point of self defeatism and seeing the point of Self Dishonesty not as who you are but as a way to realize what points you have to correct yourself in –
With regards to the recording, I can also see that I did not participate fully in that conversation because – here comes the justification- I was existing within an ‘experience’ within myself as the process of ending the agreement and leaving the farm and allowing feelings and emotions to take over for some time which had come up the day prior to that discussion due to having discussed the actual facts and things I accepted and allowed within myself in the agreement and seeing that I didn’t direct myself effectively in that directiveness within communicating, opening up points without fearing conflict or an eventual end of the agreement and within that allowing another to fall as well – that was hard to realize which created the experience of sadness and wanting things to be different or even go back some time to make a different decision- yet, after knowing that the basic uncertainty towards the agreement was existent from the beginning I realized that I had been living sort of a lie as well which was quite hard to realize the moment that point was discussed. So many things were going on in that moment, yet in that moment it was a cool conclusion to all that we had discussed before – I do understand that without having basic context or background on it, it’s difficult to understand the points or ‘why’ this happend – so maybe these words will allow everyone to understand a bit more. 
Okay, this is as much as can come up in the moment – I definitely recommend everyone to face themselves within an opportunity to stand within an agreement because you can’t really hide yourself within it – From my experience, I suggest to not allow oneself to exist within fear of loss, fear of ending the agreement, having thoughts of it being ‘too good to be true’ – the moment such thoughts arise, suggest to investigate, to get to the core point of what such points are showing you – I made the mistake to leave them under the rug which inevitably made a bump on the road that became undeniably ‘there’, unspoken, unresolved, and placed aside to ‘get into it’ later on. 
Self directive standing meaning, not allowing any shit in any way, the first reaction towards a point of observation, direct yourself to be a participant, get involved until the root is out to get to stop any experience within yourself or another – and the most important – do it within Principle.
Thank you – any comments, feedback, please place it.e road that became undeniably ‘there’, unspoken, unresolved, and placed aside to ‘get into it’ later on. 
Self directive standing meaning, not allowing any shit in any way, the first reaction towards a point of observation, direct yourself to be a participant, get involved until the root is out to get to stop any experience within yourself or another – and the most important – do it within Principle.
Thank you – any comments, feedback, please place it.

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world. View all posts by Marlen

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