Two days ago I decided to go to mexico city to sort out my re-insertion in the school system – therefore it was inevitable to go yesterday to the ‘big city’ and knock the school’s door again. Well they are quite accessible in the National University, even more in Arts as they are quite used to people just dropping the studies for some time without saying anything – which precisely what I did – and there was no problem to get myself in queue to get my inscription at the end of july. So that ‘step’ that I thought was going to be more ‘difficult’ was taken and without any further problems.
I must say that I had resistances to go to Mexico City, I realized when I saw an experience being created out of memories of ‘how I had spent the last 3 years I was there’ and how I had reacted to ‘getting back’ to mexico and stepping in Mexico City as first stage to my re-insertion in Mexico, which was quite ‘shocking’ although, I see that as I’ve spent more time here, I get ‘used to it’ again which is probably how we all people living here are able to ‘cope’ with this environment – I can definitely see how the impact was greater the moment that I got back here. So I wrote some self forgiveness to stop my experience in that moment which was around Wednesday afternoon
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘uneasy’ as a mind experience due to knowing that I will be going to Mexico City tomorrow
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fears and anxiety with regards to going to Mexico City again
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike going to Mexico City that I’ve defined and labeled as ‘hell’ in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘run away’ from my responsibility which is that of going back to study in mexico city – pff it’s not so bad really
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in anxiety because of going to mexico city because I have no place to live there yet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance upon traveling by bus, being sitting as a passenger in a bus
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘traumatic’ experiences in the bus while moving in mexico city such as too much heat, too many people, too tired, sweaty and overall discomfort.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the fact of going back to mexico city even if I decided to do this myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas about ‘going to mexico city’ as a nightmare, as having to walk through hell due to the traffic jams, the many people and the insecurity that is lived there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in complete separation of myself here in the moment due to future projecting myself going to mexico city –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist too much in an ‘idea’ of mexico city instead of simply moving myself and realizing that, people can actually cope with living in such ways and that I do not have to create ideas of ‘how’ I will experience myself while being there again.
Obfuscate}to confuse or make difficult to understand
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obfuscated with regards to ‘how’ I am going to get to my goal in this life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience obfuscation with regards to undesrtanding my position and how I will be moving from now on –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in future projections instead of simply being here.
I am HERE I simply direct myself in the moment, I Breathe and let go of the anxiety, future projections, obfuscation and I simply move myself to what is required to be done –
I am stability here as I write this and establish my point of Self Reference which is Breath as Myself Here, as Life as the Stability and Direction that I am –
– Then the experience just Vanished, I just stopped re-charging all these thoughts with added concerns and so on –
It was great to see that from the moment I woke up yesterday early in the morning to go to Mexico City, there was no reaction, I simply directed myself, I kept a ‘close eye’ to creating any experience and everything went ‘fine’ meaning no experiences arising and I saw how once again, thoughts create experiences based on defined charges and ‘add ons’ to events that the mind ‘assess’ as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and from there, being able to create an experience out of anything just to keep going. Fascinating, but yeah I got there, no problem – the least movement of being ‘nervous’ or ‘anxious’ I stopped in one breath, and just kept walking.
I stopped also creating the ‘city’ in my thoughts as being in continuous judgment towards what I see in people, how I see the city itself, I mean fuck, that is quite a task when you see how fucked up things are but I deliberately stopped judgment towards people, people’s appearances, vocabulary, manners, everything on my way to the school.
I saw people that I used to be ‘related’ to as ‘friends’ or school mates before I left school, and surprisingly enough I was actually glad to see them – they have all mostly finished school and were just ‘hanging around’ there – It was quite a surprise that while I was gone one girl from the same class as me had already had a baby and so on, wow, lol tha twas quite shocking at the beginning – then saw other people and it’s cool they all said they were glad to see me back there, lol no one really ‘knew’ what I went to do to south africa and there were only rumors on what I was doing there. No one really asked about my hair at school, it’s quite a ‘usual’ thing there haha it’s ‘art school’ anyways.
It was cool when I told this guy that I shared most of the career with that I was completely rehabilitated, that I had stopped all addictions for Life – he was quite surprised and say in a cool serious way ‘Hey, really? that’s really cool’ – and I mostly enjoyed talking with them, catching up on certain things about the school and laughing again, just sharing and being myself though, I knew I had to test and see for myself if there was a ‘reaction’ or ‘energetic experience’ created out of that –
I went to visit my old neighbors, I saw that my old apartment is now being used by some not so neat and loud people….. well, it kind of stroke me not being able to live there again anymore as it was a perfect place, and at the moment there is no certainty in which other place I could live in – I’ll still get on with that.
I went to the grocery store that I used to always go, lol there I had the first question and reaction to the hair ‘Hi, what happened to you’?! lol the guy that owns the store said to me – I explained that I am doing it on purpose and keeping it like that, and so he seemed interest and when talking about Equality he immediately agreed and started sharing his own perspectives on it, so he seemed quite ‘enthusiastic’ upon knowing what is the reason behind me shaving my hair – he even asked for the faceworldfaceoff.com link, lol -cool.
So I noticed how I was more ‘open’ with him than before – in almost 3 years of going to that shop I had never really allowed myself to just talk with him and ‘share myself’ in a way, to me he was still only the ‘sales man’ and me the ‘consumer’ that played to be a ‘nice good person’ and that’s it – I can see how even this point of not having hair has ‘allowed’ me to step forth as Who I really am, like not participating in bullshit and just going straight to the point. I even noticed how I used to refer to him in a ‘sir’ or ‘formal’ way whereas yesterday I was able to simply talk to him as equals and that’s it – I must say I enjoyed my ability to communicate and share myself with him for a while – he also said he will help me asking if anyone knows of a place around there I could occupy.
Then as I dialed numbers of unknown people to look for places to live in, I also noticed that my expression was far more clear, less hesitating as before I would definitely ask someone else to do such things for me, like not wanting directly to ‘deal’ with even such basic points of calling unknown people and ask for information – lol, so that was completely ‘overcome’ and cool. I can definitely say that even in these small interactions with people I can see that I can be ‘congruent’ with my expression and the totality of myself, I am not sure if this is how I could describe my ‘experience’ but it is definitely more ‘certain’ and more’ stable’ in a way.
I must say that i did enjoy spending time with people from school, just getting to know a bit about their lives, and what they will be doing when out of school and just sharing myself, laughing and sort of seeing ‘where they’re at’ at this moment in their lives – that hasn’t changed much except for the girl who already has a kid and is ‘settled down’ with her bf and kid –
I see this was a ‘partial encounter’ and that the actual integration will come when I am back there studying again. My main concern on the amount of time to finish school can be solved in certain ways so, I’ll simply push myself to be more ‘updated’ with the opportunities to get some ‘advancement’ in my career on credits and so forth, and also enjoying it while it lasts – the lady at the office told me not to worry about time, I can ‘legally’ be there until the last semester of 2012 – So, I see that all worries are unnecessary.
When I was coming back to my home city on the bus I tested for some emotion experienced in relation to ‘meeting people’ and if I had created any charge upon it – and the result was quite astounding:
‘Loftiness’ – of great, or imposing height, of high or noble character, proud and haughty.
and a second one is ‘braving’ : having or displaying no fear in the face of danger or adversity – to meet or face up to (danger, pain, etc) –
Ok so I definitely saw how I was creating these two specific and to the point experiences within myself through the whole event or even since I got back which tested as ‘yes’ so, confirming the point.
So, Yes I’ve seen myself as taking such ‘characteristics’ of feeling or experiencing myself as ‘proud’ or something like a warrior that has won a war, you know how they go back to their places with their head up high – I can see this in myself yet it is quite present within myself to not create a point of ‘superiority’ in relation to anything or anyone – I am simply accepting this point of Dignity that I am creating and standing as within myself to simply walk this and also be congruent with how I present myself, how I live as myself within living the words, being directive and it is almost like a ‘transitory’ experience that I see I’ve created while I acquire this ‘stability’ that can be experienced as this ‘loftiness’ with a certain energetic charge, until I become that as myself as who I am and is not ‘charged’ anymore.
The ‘Braving’ word is also quite common as coming back here and going to study in mexico city I’ve always defined ‘consciously’ or not as an act of bravery, and other people ‘confirm’ such definition by saying it or talking about it – also with regards to people commenting on me being ‘brave’ for doing what I’m doing, which in fact ISN’T SO! I mean, come on, how can ‘standing’ as EQUALS be something that is of bravery? That should be the way ALL Stand Equally, no one is less capable or more capable of doing such thing. I see this point of saying ‘you are brave to do that’ is simply a lame excuse that people take as if they were completely incapable of doing such thing themselves, as if they consider that ‘you’ have ‘something extra’ or ‘something special’ that makes you stand by your word and principle. Fuck no! Everyone is able to live this courage to stand as themselves, no ‘bravery’ required, yet I see how this word has ‘affected’ or ‘influenced’ me in my standing in the way I have accepted and allowed myself to take as ‘definition of myself’ which it isn’t in fact so – I won’t comply to the compliments of others, no matter how many laurels they throw here, what I’m doing and what we are all doing within this Process is standing for that which is How things Should Be, and how People Should Live and Stand – any perceived ‘heroism’ is simply a point of separation that I accept as self definition and them as self defeatism of believing they can’t possibly stand as equals to to those that are standing within themselves. It isn’t such a big deal, really. So is this written document on this two words sufficient to clarify the points of self definition that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as or be influenced by? yes.
In other points, I am finding sub4sub quite fascinating as I am visiting channels of people that I would’ve never gotten to or even bothered in looking for before – it is a cool point wherein I am able to see how people are moving around this world – getting to someone’s youtube page is like getting to the core of their ‘identity’ what they like, what they enjoy, what they present themselves at, what their interests are,everything is there! I’ve met a couple of cool people already that go further than saying ‘thanks for subbing back’ and we’ve actually communicated further into actual matters of this world – cool to see there is people that even beyond the appearance of their youtube channel, they are still coming through for a point of Equality.