I woke up ‘late’ as in 7:30 which is almost two hours after the alarm on my cellphone rang – from this moment on I created the idea ‘fuck, I lost two hours already, I hate waking up late’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hate’ or ‘loath’ waking up late because of the belief and perception that I’ve lost time, therefore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be pliable within myself and exist in a rigid routine that if not ‘met’ in all its points, creates an experience of ‘failure’ and thus manifest throughout my day as a ‘stillness’ experience.
So, i didn’t go out of my house today, not even for a walk because of that initial idea that I had lost my time to do so, why? because I don’t enjoy the sun after a certain hour of the day – lol how limited I am – and thus I refrained from going out.
I saw myself as wanting to expose my discontent with myself and instead of simply having stopped and moved and done the usual things, I sort of fucked around more than usual, watching old pics and watching some videos here and there yet not ‘actively’ as ‘everyday’ – part of it had to do with having to be in ‘another room’ because there was a soccer match and my sisters and their hubbies and my parents were in the ‘dead room’ watching the tv and the ball being kicked on green fields in SA. lol – yes there is nothing of ‘living room’ there – anyway
I saw myself judging the whole thing, everything they talked whenever I overheard them – I see that I have deliberately kept my ‘lunch times’ so that I don’t have to have breakfast, or lunch or dinner with them – so yes, the starting point is that of not wanting to ‘be with my family’ because I can’t simply ‘relate’ to them so, once again into the ‘alien’ stage – yet this is not really about ‘them’ but myself and simply stopping my reactions whenever they appear in the ‘scene’ – so, much work to do with regards to my family to be able to be with them or hear their conversations and be completely here and not judge back and not exist in continuous judgment and separation towards them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant judgment towards my family, specifically my mother.
Well, I am very aware of each thought I create in a given moment, triggered by an action, sound image, word, whatever, everything and all they do triggers out something, it’s almost like a ‘rejection’ towards them – so yes, I see that I can take other beings as ‘equals’ yet within my family and how I stand towards them: there’s a fuckload of separation, it’s been the ‘hardest’ point within my process even though I’ve sort of ‘accepted’ it as it is because of knowing everybody else’s experiences with their families and not being able to relate to them – anyways, they are simply an ‘excuse’ I am creating to exist in a certain ‘dreariness’ today, a ‘stillness’, it’s simply not acceptable as I am not ‘fully moving myself’ and directing myself
So, yes, I stop all creation of experiences according to what I see around me, to being in a ‘family’, to thinking that ‘I must participate and be with them’ which creates another experience within myself as if ‘being with them’ was a ‘must do’ – so, I don’t move myself out of ‘guilt’ anymore but simply when the starting point is clear –
Lol, right now there’s some cousin that came to visit, he’s talking about how many people have died and my parents are only creating expressions of surprise and ‘concern’ – lol
If there is something I am fascinated by is Death, lol – so, cheers to the death that will actually allow Life to be birthed in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my computer as ‘not being effective’ and thus using that as an excuse to not do my regular stuff
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through an initial experience created by the idea of ‘waking up late’ and thus, ‘fucking up the rest of my day’
So the overall experience within my day is something that I see in common sense is not ‘worth’ experiencing, it’s actually like an ‘in-limbo’ experience where I am not directing myself effectively and lingering on experiences created by that which I overhear, by criticizing and judging beings around me – that is Unacceptable.
Thus, I make sure that whenever this ‘thought’ comes up, I simply push myself to move and not create an ‘idea’ of ‘how’ I am going to experience myself.
I read matti’s and jeanne’s blog, lol kind of similar experiences today, thanks for sharing –
in-out in-out breath here –
thanks for stopping by