So, I had a short chat with Leila and we were pointing out the ‘cycles’ that we all go through and simply ‘keep coming up’ – this is the point to understand and why it is so important to Not Participate: to Stop the Cycles of Enslavement that we’ve accepted as ‘Who we are’ and even identify ourselves ‘as’-that. Meaning, it is quite ‘acceptable’ for a human being to say: Oh but this always happens to me” – “I know myself so well, I know that IF_____ THEN______ SO______” – “I am used to going through this, this is how it’s always been for me” – “But this is just the way I am, what can I do? I am ‘sensitive’! etc etc etc – all programs accepted as ‘habits’ as ‘what we are’ and ‘who we are’ without having dared to ever question it.
Fascinating how one can see this within our every day lives in people around. Like I see for example my mother talking with someone, trying to ‘cheer them up’ and still falling into points of ‘hope’ of saying ‘there will be better times’ and ‘maybe next time it will be different’ or ‘he/she will someday change’ – yet never even questioning at all what saying these kind of sentences entail – there is almost a ‘default’ abdication of ourselves in that.
Then I had lunch with my father who feels quite ‘free’ when my mother goes out to some social event and lol he feels like the kid in ‘home alone’ – he took his guitar amplifier and plugged himself to the mic and started playing and singing in the garage, lol – I had to go downstairs to tune his guitar and so I played a bit with him – it is interesting, we’ve never had ‘deep communication’ – the relationship with my father has pretty much being that one of a ‘father’, he cares and provides and he’s always making sure everything is ‘in-place’ and that I have ‘enough’ of everything – yet he allows me to be and do and supports myself, he’s quite caring and so on – and he feels ‘free’ when my mother is out on a saturday morning – lol – although it is not cool when she’s gone for several days on a trip or something, when that happens he seems rather sad and depressed, they are quite ‘dependent’ on each other yes – but anyways, I enjoyed playing a bit – then my sisters came – I see that my mother is quite ‘happy’ to have her ‘married daughters’ at home and talking about cooking and living life as a married woman, maybe she somehow feels she’s finally ‘understood’ by her daughters – anyways, they are all still pretty much in the same topics and conversations as always, so I simply interact by placing myself directly sharing something with them, or making coffee for my sister or something like that –
I can definitely see that the point of relating to them became even more ‘difficult’ after having spent time at the farm, yet I keep an eye on me not creating separation – just to make sure that I don’t go ‘into their frame of mind’ to be able to relate to them and ‘play their game’ or that I play ‘my game’ which was that of having being their ‘opposite’, the ‘black-sheep of the family’ and so on.
Actually at the moment they went to a family party – but I didn’t wanna go and I specifically told my mother. you don’t have to push me or convince me to go, If I go I go, If I don’t = I don’t – simple, don’t try to push this. So now she ‘picks-up’ her ‘controlling-frequency’ towards myself and only sighs deeply and turns around leaving the room – so, she still has to deal with that – probably the day that she has no physical or inner reaction to me saying: No I am not going, I don’t want to go – that day she’ll actually be ‘virus-free’ but we’ll see –
I was making quite an ‘issue’ out of my mother in a non-spoken way while living here again, but I simply saw that it was me playing patters again and so it had to simply stop I mean, I had already explained most of the ‘mother points’ here before and I am not going to repeat myself – so what I see has happened before, I see that I have walked and stood up from – thus I simply breathe, see the point and stop the experience- makes ‘life’ much easier stopping that inherent struggle when being around her, overhearing her conversations with people, etc – specifically with my sisters – I see judgments were created with regards to seeing how these relationships exist at the moment meaning, my mother and sisters and ‘the role’ that I ‘had programmed’ within myself with regards to this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within an ‘idea’ of how I should be towards my mother, and thus creating an inner friction wherein I see myself as not complying or not ‘behaving’/treating her as she would want me to, or the way she would like me to be and thus, think/believe or perceive that this is ‘being ungrateful’ towards her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘ungrateful’ with my family after all the support they’ve done for myself while I was out just because I am not ‘acting’ the same way as they do and the ways they are ‘used to’ when someone wants to express ‘gratefulness’ towards someone
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I am ‘affecting’ my mother with my attitude
Lol, I don’t remember if I have written this here before, she described myself as ‘implacable’ – lol to me that sounds like ‘robocop’ or something – this came out after I was talking with her one day on her experiences and how she wasn’t still directing herself even though she sees the points – and so there she expressed how I am ‘implacable’ and ‘ruthless’ and so on – to which I replied ‘really? that’s actually cool!’ – lol but I am seeing within the context of standing to which she sees as ‘too harsh’ and not being ‘kind’ enough – so I made clear that I will simply not care about coming-through as a softy-person anymore – that was so culturally ingrained that it is simply gone – it is ‘here’ as in the environment and people treat each other that way all the time, using the infamous ‘diminutives’ to ‘belittle’ things and themselves and make everything ‘less heavy’ in a way just by the use of words on this ‘diminutive’ manner – quite fucked up.
Anyways – it is quite cool to have time and actual speed on internet to see people’s channels and support videos – it is really cool how the stand being made by ourselves is quite definitive and visible and in that way standing as the actual group we are at the moment, a representation of how a bunch of apparently ‘un-related’ beings according to the usual standards of how a person can be ‘related’ to each other in a ‘direct way’ – are able to agree upon the basics and stand in a point of Equality where at this stage is still at point of INdividual Support – much has still to be sorted out IN-side of ourselves to then, start taking on the points in the outside – otherwise, how can we ‘care’ about Equality as this Existence if we are not yet standing as Complete Equality Here as Ourselves’?
So, much still has to be sorted out and worked upon.
Ok. this is It – Quick views on the day – and having my period, hormones on the way and still getting these chemical reactions of hormones influencing my ‘mood’ as in ‘sensitivity’ but only came through when accepting ‘memories’ to exist and then ‘longing’ for such ‘good times’ and then simply talking it out loud for myself, taking it all back to common sense and then simply continuing – yes tears came out as a physical release, it seems I hadn’t cried in like 2 months and I had simply compounded energy as thoughts of ‘coming back’, being here, being ‘alone’, now ‘what’, ‘what I left behind’, ‘missing’, wanting, needing, etc etc etc – so It was cool like a ‘quick ‘physical release of that ‘energetic-possession’ that was ‘mild’ I can say, lol compared to how it was before wherein I would enhance my ’emotional state’ with even MORE thoughts and words and memories and pictures and sad songs and it was almost like feeling ‘good’ by feeling sorry for myself, feeling depressed, down, almost in a self-hatred way – that was ‘who i was’ probably some 5 years ago mostly, even 3 years ago I was still sort of doing that yet much was then ‘calmed’ ehm ehm rather ‘suppressed’ with weed.
So- there you go! slowly but surely being able to jump the rocks on the way and then realizing: hey! but it is only compounded dust, it can be actually blown-away quite easily – cool.
Okay – soon time to die well in dignity on my bed.
Oh! and made a new simple gate-opener video for Equal Money for ALL