Coming here and knowing that I have a space wherein I can type my day out is simply a constant stable support that I give myself, that i allow myself to share for myself and others equally – in this, self support is proven to be built out of everyday experiences, to all details and events that are a part of us and make us see where we require to stand, where we are still walking, and what we definitely have to stop,correct and change.
So I’ll start with writing out that which sort of cracked my day and made me judge myself as a dork because I missed my time to chat with the resonances due to my computer showing one hour earlier than SA time – this had happened before, it’s not cool and I mean, the only correction is to simply double check times at all times and that’s it and stop the judgment afterwards as my mind went on like ‘fuck! I made them waste their time,so silly – fuck! why didn’t I check the time twice’ – fuck! why do I trust my computer’s clock? fuck! fuck! fuck! – but then they said it was ‘ok’ though, shit it is in the simplest things that I go ballistic like being late to an appointment or not being there at all out of something as silly as this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as silly, dork and naive for trusting the clock on my computer and not moving myself to check the time and make sure I had the right time.
i mean, 3 minutes before the time I was ‘ready’ and when I opened the website realized it was one hour late already… anyways, let that go –
IT rained, and then the sun came out, then more clouds, then more rain, then the sun came out – bipolar weather we’re having here.
I spent the mornings doing some SRA stuff on the new sections, fascinating stuff – lol i won’t reveal what it is about so that people being in the second and third generations are able to se for themselves but, quite fascinating what I’m finding out.
Being here is a lot about looking at the past – lol and my left knee quivers/buzzes – of who I was and seeing the pictures that my mother keeps of me being with my sisters, never looking at the camera, never wanting to be in a photo – except for when I was a little girl – and they are everywhere – I just see the person there is not me anymore, I can tell the exact experiences I was going through or ‘the time in my life’ that was when certain pictures were taken – I mean there’s this picture she had showing my ex-best friend and myself after having had christmas dinner and a long day of smoking weed almost falling asleep during the digestive procdess – and my mother ‘capturing’ that ‘special moment’ that never was, I was just trying to escape my reality and myself on any way I could.
There’s another picture when my family went to mexico city and I went to visit them in their hotel and had coffee at a starbucks and we took a picture together, oh me feeling ‘proud’ of being living in mexico city and moving myself there and visiting the family and after a few hours from that day I would be receiving the boyfriend that they never accepted or even knew I had and we went to a sonic youth concert along with my other friend, wherein I remember sneaking weed and smoking in the bathroom and getting low sugar in my blood and feeling extremely dizzy while in the midst of people -then finding my ‘other friend’ who then told people how he had seen me completely ‘dizzy’ and ‘lost’ and ‘pale-almost-dead’ outside of the toilets getting grape juice to get the sugar up again – fuck I can even experience that physical anxiety in the moment – then meeting one sonic youth member and then just spending the night walking in the streets of mexico city until it was early in the morning so that we could get coffee and some bread and go back to the city I live in. I have yet another picture taken by my bf on the bus station, looking like dead – completely dead. yet at that time, I thought I was living more than ever.
I spent most of my late teenage years trying to find my place in the world, thought I belonged to the weedy-rocker-music freaks and freaks in general people that were generally misunderstood and self-proclaimed and created out-casts of society with no remedy at all but join together with light-headed minds that would dare to ‘challenge the system’ by becoming addicts themselves.
I was a walking paradox and i’ve written this before – I would spend my time criticizing and judging people, considering myself being too special or to ‘witty’ to even dare to try and understand their context or background, rather arrogant and foolish I’d say, believing that I was up to be ‘an artist’ and become ‘more’ of myself – this was the delusion I created and enhanced mostly on this period of my time on earth when I smoked and enhanced the energetic possession of personality.
There are many experiences I went through that have remained ‘undisclosed’, a book that is already closed for me in terms of seeing it as impossible for me to recreate that – yet at the same time i see that allowing myself to look at the past and hold no begrudge to what i did and who i was proves that I have forgiven myself effectively – I can bring it here and realize that it’s all gone, it is not who I am and i simply stand as the correction of everything that I’ve realized of myself up to now.
That which was ‘me’ seems so distant and such a stranger from who I am – I can’t simply relate to myself back there –
My sister came and she asked me about ‘people at the farm’ and she is the only one that knew about Jorn and so I told her he is leaving soon and, it was simply odd speaking about him in my reality at the moment, like it was so easy to write it out in emails and share, but when being facing her and sharing face to face about someone that isn’t ‘here’ anymore was ‘odd’ and only opened up that point which I am obviously still walking through, letting go completely of that relationship and standing and getting back to being alone. The mind enjoys to bring up the ‘good times’ and the overall experience of myself at the farm which is simply here -and yes I mean I can’t deny the fact that I miss it there, it would be kidding myself to say I don’t, but I am here to walk what needs to be walked and do what needs to be done – this is not a matter of preference but of principle – and so, just by realizing this point the ‘longing’ experience stops and I simply walk, walk, walk – breathe deeply whenever I see a memory of a ‘nice experience’ wants to creep-in if I know it will re-create that experience of ‘longing’ – sometimes I do allow it, see for what it is and keep going – there is no other way, it is like walking on stepping stones over a constant flow of water – if you don’t keep up with the pace you have every single moment, every single day, you lose track or is left behind and not standing equal to the whole world that keeps moving every moment. I see indulging in memories as being completely lost from here, lol almost like a drug. So I pull myself back on earth whenever i see I’m leaving the earth-plane for a memory.
I saw this lecture on laws and politics and the political reform in mexico – pff I can’t believe the people there I mean, I took the basics on law in highschool with this really cool teacher, and just by listening again to the lingo that lawyers use, I was able to remember the stuff and this lady, the lawyer giving the lecture was asking questions to the audience who are supposed to be lawyers and politics students – and I see that the basic common sense is Not there! I mean sure you can sugar coat how to approach a case with the nice words and so on, but they wouldn’t get to the core when asked about how to deal with specific situations, cases, which laws and articles – I mean really, being a lawyer requires simply knowing your laws and the basics on creating a rule that stands out for a specific behaviour, habit or human action that requires regulation – when looking at a law, you have to always look at what it is implying – like there’s this law that says that there can be no ‘abuse of violence by the government or federal police force when the individual guarantees are being violated – yet this very law implies that the government IS able to use violence as a way to maintain the basic ‘well-being’ of the population in certain moments. I mean all these laws are made to be corrupted, turn around, etc – I see them as a dice that you can see from 6 different faces and each one can lead you to fuck another or save your own ass – and that’s the game they play – because, we obviously know that the basic laws that could regulate and protect life and have actual law or power that governs and rules in the best interest of all is Not-Existent and at the moment, it operates like a back and forth game wherein the best trained to speak the law is able to save another from game over – that is laws, winning and losing and using the laws to your behest.
Ok time to sleep now – shared some of here and there in my day – Very cool videos on Equal Money are being made, soon we will have desteni-money with a new face/phase and that’s cool.
Money fucks the world up, money creates the rules, money exists in inequality = money has to become self-honest and support life, to become more than printed paper but actual representative of physical life support – the tree of money that is available to all. Thanks