The smell of decay

So, more on the fuckedupness of this world that I cannot simply leave aside the moment that I get out to see reality. 

I decided to go out and accept an invitation for lunch time with some people I didn’t know except for my friend and his boyfriend – they were younger people and I said, what the hell, let’s go and not limit myself about it – 

And so to not make the whole story longer than it needs to be, I simply went there, ‘was there’ but simply couldn’t get myself into actually communicating with anyone, it’s only moving together from restaurant to coffee shop and it was interesting like seeing generally dissatisfied people, people that get tired, that exist in a constant ‘self-hatred’ or dread towards the world, kids that may have it all but expect something else from life – lol it was like placing myself back in highschool times being in a’group’ of beings that pretend to be friends yet they can barely know about themselves, or criticize themselves or have their own ‘set codes of behavior’ – quite interesting. 

I see that I went there and ‘allowed’ myself to kind of just ‘insert’ myself for a moment in a defined group of beings, I could only spent some time talking with my friend who is a sociologist and thus was making the remarks on how the place we were wandering around in – which is now a park, a mall and ‘historic-place’ – were actual houses, workshops and industries where people were living and working until the government in violent, non-conventional and forceful ways decided to take that area back with the excuse of ‘This is humanitarian patrimony’, we’re going to make this area progress’and ‘you have to leave the place’ –
So, I mean it is fucking ludicrous and ridiculous how these places were people’s homes, they simply took them out in violent ways, women, children beaten and just violent ways, they converted their homes into a fucked up shopping mall with corporations taking over, leaving ‘residues’ of their homes as ‘relics’ and shit, the worst is they can’t even ‘go there’ because they are mostly kicked out. 

So my friend made the point of how within a certain ‘discourse’ or ‘speech’ you can go from being the ‘owner’ of your house to an ‘intruder’ once an order from a ‘higher-power’ has been given. From being a ‘habitant’ to a ‘delinquent’ if you don’t obey the law. Fuck! And they even destroyed one school that would’ve been right behind the mall, a school that parents themselves had built to educate people in that area of the city due to the government doing nothing about it. Just figure that out. 

And so, all I can say is just by stepping that ground that once were people’s homes, that they were completely forcefully pushed to ‘re-locate’ themselves in other areas, much worse than where they were living in, it is simply impossible not to be angry and frustrated at what we’re accepting in this world, and if anyone dares to speak up they are repressed even with more violence – and what’s even more is that policemen have to ‘close’ the park area before the sun goes down because people, gangs that used to live in that area obviously go there to get high and reclaim their place in a way- how would anyone expect them not to be angry towards the authority? All in the sake of fucking ‘Progress’? that is just bullshit – all they want to make is money-making spaces, that’s all that fucking matters to them and it is as fucked up as can be in this place where a pretty picture wants to be presented to tourism, to have a nice-looking city where the flag of ‘progress’ is seen by those that cannot see beyond what was ‘before’ the nice picture building were built, what was this area before, who lived here, where were they re-located to, I mean seriously no one gives a reverend fuck about it!

– I had known some of these facts on this place some years ago from my art teacher that explained what kind of historic places had been demolished to build a fucking parking lot for the mall. Yet it was still from the ‘value’ given to old places – no, it’s not about the ‘old places’ it’s about people’s lives, entire families and groups of workers that had their workshops now being converted in empty spaces that people can ‘look-at’ as if they were middle-ages relics and walk upon while taking pictures for fucking wedding photos or 15 year old girls with pompous dresses taking a picture in front of what once were people’s homes – so take that, get your pretty fucking picture in place –  It is Insane – So I decided to just leave the place and get back home. 

The ‘air’ I created in my mind that I ‘felt’ and possibly projected onto everything and everyone around me was that of ‘death’ everywhere, just zombies mulling around looking to be enter-tamed, to get an ‘experience’, the chain experience of consumerism – I mean I looked at how everyone moves and it is all moved obviously by the desire to get an experience, money, sex, apparent love, a certain meal, a certain impression, to be ‘part’ of something – jesusfucking christ it is just too sad – some people looking for ‘experiences’ to be created for them with their money, some others spending their entire day selling stuff on the streets to make a living, some others selling -‘themselves’, some others having to limit themselves due to not having money and existing in that constant fear of losing money, wanting money, needing money – money, money, money…

I mean why where those people taken out of their homes? because of Money

Another ‘experience’ is that these people I was with met another guy, a ‘friend’ and I am seriously declaring here that I am on a constant application of just stopping any fucking judgment towards people that is created in my mind at the first impression of ‘how this person is’ are and ‘what they are all about’ just by looking at them, their voice, their words, etc- but, fuck – this guy says how he had burnt his hair while he was spreading ‘champagne’ in some party and then someone’s tip of the cig had fallen on his hair which put it on fire – I mean, what the fuck? I just laughed and said ‘fascinating’ – but I saw that most of my comments were not ‘understood’ by them, lol, that was even more hilarious but anyways – back to the point: They are simply mimicking what they see on tv, on mtv, on what ‘celebrities’ do – fuck! – All that most young people or people my age care about is getting drug, high, sex, wasted and lost to not be in this world – I mean I remember that was the only way my ‘life’ could apparently have some ‘meaning’, just to get a fucking lame experience out of it, wanting to be ‘someone’ for all the wrong reasons, even though the next day everyone felt like crap and ‘recovering’ to get back to "life" – I mean, everyone exists in deliberate Self Abuse – I can’t see anything else other than that, just like vampires wanting to feed-off each other and if you don’t participate in that, you’re obviously seen as ‘a bit weird’ -I mean these guys weren’t ‘mean’ at all, it is simply that I just ‘can’t compute’ like that anymore, lol. 

So, I ‘tried’ to just get along but then realized, I can’t force myself to just get along with people that I certainly don’t feel comfortable with – I can’t just pretend any fucking thing anymore, it is ‘beyond’ myself – and not that I was ‘pretending’ to ‘be’ something else, but simply getting along as myself= that just can’t exist when other beings are clearly just ‘shut down’ so to speak, like all their faces, words and actions reek of separation from what is here as themselves, as their mind, towards others, towards the world, everything. It’s like an overall ‘lostness’ that I can see in people – really off.

So I would like to get back in touch with people that can be part of my reality that aren’t so lost or not lost at all if that can exist – I am sure there are some – because it is certainly like walking in zombie land – I mean, people prefer to live in ignorance to keep re-creating the bubbles of ‘enjoyment’ of having a ‘purpose’ in life. I won’t add any definitions on to what I saw, this is simply an ‘impression’ of an overall experience ‘in the world’ on a regular saturday afternoon and so on. 

I came back to my house and I have very present the point of ‘not secluding myself’ but I simply wont’ waste my time that I can spend in actual matters of importance for myself in this process just to ‘get out there’ at the moment – not interested, and the ‘experiences’ I would ‘get’ from going outside aren’t just ‘here’ anymore – my mind attached all sorts of ‘values’ to experiences of why I used to spend so much time outside of my house or with ‘friends’ or people – So,  I mean I can’t say I repent from having gone yesterday to meet this people, it was just another ‘proof’ to myself that I cannot fool myself or try and ‘fulfill’ an expectation anymore and, as ‘plain’  as it may sound, I am getting more ‘in touch’ with people through internet than in actual reality at the moment. I rather spend my time on myself, my process, the everyday tasks that I enjoy doing and keep it simple – I mean at the farm I existed in an overall stability, even self enjoyment state and that’s because I was simply dedicating my life to life – to the everyday things that one does to live in this world, not requiring to ‘go outside’ to get a ‘matrix-experience’ – so that is pretty much ‘here’ as myself, really, I go out but I live in a city so it implies going out to the city and all I see is decay. 

Okay too much of a ‘rant’ here but that experience had to be drawn out simply to clarify for myself how my standing within the world is immovable, and that I can’t just try and pretend to ‘get along’ because it just feels so fucking fake to myself. Lol. 

Anyways . This is it. 

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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