So I was able to discuss and get further perspective on the experience that I wrote out yesterday in terms of going out from a certain starting point and then the ‘roles’ or ‘ideas of self’ that still came-through while doing this – still limiting myself in the way that I perceive and create an idea of the environment, of everyone else around me – and eventually creating separation from myself in the moment, getting ‘imbued’ by an experience and existing in the mind eventually.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by people, by the place and moment according to how I defined people, according to the expectations that were ‘hiddenly’ created towards being with people and going out in general.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still carry a point of ‘wanting to change’ people – lol fascinating I wrote ‘chain’ people – so in a way obviously ‘preaching out’ or wanting to ‘convince’ someone still tries to come out, even do I didn’t directly spoke even about it or myself when being with them, but it was a constant though that became an experience within myself which was that of separation and almost like an inevitable judgment towards others as myself… okay but this is a rather ‘solved’ within me- let’s go to the matters of the moment.
Okay – I have to deal with anger – yes, it’s been probably lingering around as a constant experience ‘in the back’ literally almost as I am currently experiencing a pain, knots on the right side of my back, pff haven’t had these in a long long time – specifically that plug-in point on the right side on the occipital bone. Not cool – a knot is already there.
Word that tested out in relation to this point: ‘fierce’ – brutal – and then jitter-
The jittery experience came up after the event I’m about to place here which is the writing I did right after it happened.
I went out for a walk an hour ago, there was still light and then while I was walking I saw that my sister was passing by in her car, she gave me some of her clothes to take home and while I stopped to talk to her I noticed a car on the other side of the road just stopped the moment I stopped by my sister’s car – and so, I saw that the fucker was looking at me, ‘waiting’ for me’ which means ‘following me around’- I simply kept waking straight after having left my sister not ‘paying attention’ to him yet aware, but then he passed right next to me – he had given a u turn just to do this, so I flipped a finger to him and because he stopped in that moment, so I simply got fucking angry in that moment, went by his side and yelled on his window ‘what do you want’!? I got quite ‘angry’ in that moment and he just said ‘do you want me to give you a ride’? and so I said something like ‘vete al carajo!’ (go to hell) and crossed the street immediately, then I noticed he was still following ‘my pace’ on the other side of the road, still looking at me so I yelled from the bottom of my longs ‘what the fuck do you want fucker’ ‘go and die’ ! – this was obviously spoken in spanish – and I kept walking – then I saw he simply continued going at a slow pace, then he gave a u turn to once again pass on by and finally left – I saw that my sister had seen the fucker following me around and thus followed me home – well, I got home and my sister looked rather concerned – and told me to be careful, that ‘what if it had been more than one ‘-
I came to the kitchen and just cried a bit out because of creating an experience I mean, I just went out for a walk to move and breathe and talk to myself and I am suddenly followed around?? that is the last thing I fucking needed, my left knee is twitching a LOT at the moment. Okay – so, I felt threatened and got very very angry, mostly because I don’t want to get to the point of not being able to go out for a walk because of perverts looking around to chase and intimidate someone – or worse.
So, what I experience is an energetic build-up of anger and frustration because they can get away with it, and because I refuse to live in fear just like everyone else does – yet the whole fucking country is already living that way –
Anyways – I am going to write this out and just let it out – though that doesn’t change the fact that people out there are going mad and more possessed than ever.
I can see I have to deal with anger, I see anger is being like a constant yet ‘hidden’ experience when going out in the world and realizing how this world is existing at the moment.
I’ve seen that the moment I get angry, it is really a ‘beastly’ experience I can become – pff right now memories of my childhood pop up when being almost possessed when being angry, uff the ‘chills’ meaning I would compound so much anger really brutally that I would create like my nerves or my whole body going into a ‘shocking’ experience, like jittery all inside, in that moment I would do it on purpose out of anger, but immediately I would feel bad because I somehow perceived i was harming my body by creating this compounding of anger and driving my body to get this experience, it was really intense and I remember doing this at a very early age I mean, this is probably part of the first memories I have, throwing tantrums at my parents or becoming angry upon someone – ah! actually it was quite a ‘shock’for myself to become this angry at the time, because I was always mostly like the ‘sweet little girl’ that everyone liked and so on – but the moment that I would become angry, I would really cry and want to throw things around and whatnot – pff, actually I got possessed by that anger, definitely – and to me it would be quite astounding because of how I could go from ‘nice little girl’ to a fierceful beast in another moment – and then just feeling sorry for myself for having taken my body to such harm, you know like feeling ‘ants’ all over my body, almost paralizing, fuck –
I forgvive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself when getting angry and becoming brutally mad that I experienced harming my physical body.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that anger resides within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept anger as myself and thus, being sweeping it out to not see that I have become stagnant anger that hasn’t been dealt with.
So, while walking away from the fucker that was trying to harass me, I simply was existing in a ‘controlled anger’, that simply drove me to walk just straight forward, but compounding the anger – I could see that in that moment if I had been approached once again I would’ve probably done something more physical towards the man, he seemed a bit ‘off’ when he spoke, probably on fucking drugs or alcohol –
I mean, I haven’t accepted anger as myself, I have been angry at the people in this world all the time, and… the anger really just ‘takes over’ it’s a defense mechanism, but really – fuck! if every human being unleashes this kind of anger all of a sudden, it would be complete mayhem, really – I fear myself because in a worse case scenario I would probably act on impulse, losing my head and just going brutally after it. Really evil shit being triggered by the same evil.
I’ve always been angry at man that would always harass me on the streets, I still do even if I don’t react as much, the moment they go by and say some nasty “flattering” thing as scum bags are used to do with girls here, it is a compounded anger that is created and then it just turns to crying. It is a frustration that is built upon not being able to do anything, words seem to slip away from people like that, and that is simply a common thing -I don’t know what other girls experience on this, but I’ve always created a frustration, feeling impotent to do something about it, even though the desire to just kick them in the balls on punch them in the face can come up in any given moment.
This event simply shows to me that I re-act on survival mode, that i pull out anger that can become uncontrollable if triggered enough, that I can fear my own anger because of the pictures in my head that were created afterwards – fuck, I mean this is simply related to many many things but I can see some unconscious shit coming to the surface – like this morning I woke up after seeing the image of many babies all naked on a bed and having intercourse with each other – babies! and this simply just scared the shit out of me and I woke up – I feel many twitches on my legs, knees, body
I see the violence that can emerge from a human being, I can see how i wished death upon another in that moment, shouting it with all my lungs –
I can see that the pains that I experience is simply energy compounded, also because of not having a direct physical experience to let it out –
I can see that it was way too impulsive to try and ‘confront’ the man, really that was fucking dangerous without considering that if he’d had something more than just words towards myself, I could’ve gotten myself in some troubles. It is the same kind of anger that I’ve always experienced towards men that try to harass me – and I’m getting fucking tired of people doing the same with ‘how I look’ and being an image for people that get hard ons with bald people – that is just repulsive. Already encountered some, why the fuck do we have to live in this constant threat?
All I could think of is the kind of harassment, abuse, violence and raping that millions of women have to endure in this world, to the point of being simply a ‘game’ for men, to go rape someone for fun – that’s what happened in juárez in the north of mexico, crimes committed towards women just for fun, by the same government ‘authorities’ – it is how disgusting this world is. Closed cases where power goes against all odds.
Okay, breathe – let go