So, cool points coming up in discussions, reading, ‘random’ people in Sub4Sub – this one just stroke me lol
Thank you for the SUB!
Take care of your self.
Good luck one vote at a time. 🙂
Take care of your self.
Good luck one vote at a time. 🙂
It is quite often that people lure themselves out of being part of what I am saying with regards to Equality – it is as if I was running for a ‘prize’ or some kind of singer career lol ‘good luck’ — there no fucking luck here, there is only action, determination and personal standing- how could they ‘numb’ themselves-out of this? And similar comments sprout on a daily basis there, it’s ‘cool’ yeah it’s ‘support’ – yet very few count themselves ‘in’ as part of Equality – once again, not much is understood as what Equality implies.
I went out to eat with my parents to what was my ‘favorite restaurant’ – fascinating because when I was in SA I would sometimes ‘dream’ of going to eat there but then while going there I just realized that the food itself is good but would give me a not so good feeling for the body and thus realized the whole ‘deal’ about-it in relation to my ‘preferences’ and ‘likes’ and ‘liking the place’ itself – This time I was objective in going there and eating and refrained to get the apfel strudel — yes that is quite a ‘challenge’ but I’ve been noticing that in terms of eating and ‘what I like’ it’s not really ‘there’ anymore, not chocolates or eating in general – so yeah I just ate salad and spent some time with them.
I noticed that my mother was trying to ‘make some conversation’ and just asking questions about the only friend she knows I have and things like that – and because I simply can’t follow up to the way she’s used to talk about someone in a more ‘gossipy’ way then she would just say few words – and after a while pop up another question, it was almost like sensing that she was trying to establish any conversation but, lol, fascinating it’s always about ‘someone else’ they’ve never even questioned how I am ‘doing’ myself or something – so I just told her straight forward ‘You don’t have to find a point of conversation here, it’s fine’ – and thus that kind of ‘shocked’ her but, I am not up for indulging in talking about something that isn’t ‘here’ in the moment.
Then they were talking about my father’s sick sister who is rather old now and I simply repeated what I’ve been explaining for a while: ‘Accept Death, get used to it, it’s a natural-cycle of this world as human beings, just like anything else that rots away and disappears’. And so I asked to my ‘mother’ where is her mother buried – she died when I was in SA last year – and so I noticed she immediately reacted again and then when I was asking about the moment of her dying and how it had happened she just said she ‘didn’t want to remember’ because of getting ’emotional’ about it still and so, I said that it was actually a cool opportunity to let it out but that she was then just deciding to keep it locked-up inside herself – she just added some points on how her body turned really pale the moment she stopped breathing and that was it.
Then i discussed how stupid it is to keep a body in a fucking expensive wooden box for bodies to decompose and be eaten away only by maggots and whatnot – and thus my father pointed out he wouldn’t like to be burnt – he made a gesture as in disgust or ‘pain’ almost lol I said that obviously he wouldn’t feel a thing and that it would be just like grilling meat – lol – then I pointed out I will donate my body for dog food, lol – my mother just said ‘oh no, they can eat other stuff’ – which is ‘better’ I sincerely expected her to say WHAT? are you Crazy?!?! lolol – anyways
I like bringing up the topic of death, probably because it’s been such a taboo in the family due to the ‘pain’ and ‘grief’ it entails – I remember taking out these topics ‘randomly’ some years ago as well – they would react as in ‘not wanting to talk about it’ but in the end, they realize it’s best to confront the topic as it is necessary for their ‘plans’.
I have to say I felt zilch about my grandmother’s death, she was decaying in flesh and had no life at all by the time of her actual death – my father pointed out that not having ‘feelings’ about it is being ‘cold-blooded’ and not human – I replied that what is actually ‘human’ is to accept death as what it is without having to add the emotional and feeling experience to it which doesn’t even matter to the person that is already ‘resting’ out of their body – it’s obvious that when someone dies people just cry their own death, their own fear of dying – I am sure I read this somewhere else and I’m just ‘copy/pasting’ it here – but that is so truth and clear – I haven’t had such a near-death experience, the ‘nearest’ has been a grandmother, but nothing moved really.
So, in terms of ‘communicating’ with my parents – it’s rather ‘not here’ yet, they sort-of avoid taking out any point of conversation because they don’t like their bubble to be burst – I see that before I would still ‘play along’ a bit with their personalities and things in life, I am even more focused on ‘here’ and really just seeing and taking everything from the ‘here’ perspective and thus stopping any form that deviates from common sense and correcting anything if possible as my own understanding and experience.
I’ve noticed that even if it seems it ‘shocks’ them for some time, they actually end up slowly but surely ‘getting it’ and my mother even shares some of what I’ve shared with her with her friends who are rather lol I can’t find a word let’s place it as ‘modern-conservatives’ in terms of them still believing in a god and so-forth – and when my mother shared with them what I’ve shared and explained with regards to the non existence of god, she said how all of them simply remained quiet because they couldn’t deny the fact of seeing that if a ‘god’ existed as such, as what they ‘believe’-in as the almighty loving careful police-man god they want to believe in = the world wouldn’t be in such a state where hunger, abuse, violence, self-hatred and total greed exists – So, well I will just keep sharing, I definitely don’t take any ‘regard’ as to saying ‘oh but they’re my parents’ – I simply speak in the moment, take no considerations towards them as ‘authority’ and so on – lol. So, they are probably getting used to it by now – though well, they don’t allow themselves to ask more relevant stuff with regards to myself or something – communication has always been somewhat superficial and avoiding certain topics so, pff – I act and participate accordingly.
I left the place deciding to take a long walk from there to downtown where I just wanted to stroll around – went into crowded places where yet again many eyes were over my head, overhearing stuff and so on – getting more and more used to it – went by a gallery where I went in saw the stuff around and considered how ‘still’ this whole art thing is…. pff lol – I won’t make any more deal about it because I will be back doing that and so, yes just placing it as self support and using it as a way to express myself within my current standing – because what I saw was definitely just like ‘ah’ – just like that, plain, empty, just images of animals pf. Okay, then just came back home, played some guitar and just confirm how ‘going out’ for myself was creating an experience entailing many points – wanting to be seen,or wanting to find someone to talk-to, or spotting people. I definitely walked breathing and thus stopping judgment and just walking – the weather was rather cool as always, about to rain and with this ‘breeze’ of fresh cold air, yummy.
I enjoyed coming back and watching everyone’s vlogs and writing and sharing and subbing – pff I am more ‘in contact’ with people through a cable than in reality yes – definitely. lol that’s a cool line from the ‘what does it take’ song – had a cool chat before sleeping and it’s simply cool to be walking with people and sharing experiences, getting to ‘know’ someone by their own application and life-experience with walking the same process that has the same principles for all – cool support definitely.
So I posted a series of ‘unlisted videos’ on the forum with regards to ‘vlogging’ in itself a meta-discourse on vlogging while vlogging – quite cool to post thesevieos this way as they are more for ‘process-people’, where we can relate tow hat walking a process actually is.
THere is nothing cooler than seeing people standing up every single day, sharing themselves, posting, vlogging, writing, exposing, directing – that is definitely what keeps this all going and so that is what I stand for equally – people standing as Self as Equals as Support for everyone to one by one get the point. Thanks!