Pointers on people ‘in my world’ that I created and esatblished relationships-with in any way outside of the basic-establishment of the ‘Family-System’ wherein you simply step-into a pre-ordained scenario with pre-defined set of conditions – in a particular country, a particular language, a particular economical-status – that determines ‘who you are’ within the world system and accordingly, pre-establishes the people you will be forming relationships with that go hand-in-hand related to the environment you exist-in.
Now, this implies that people in my world as the relationships that I’ve formed in and as my ‘past’ that are here and that I’ve been facing are simply also part of the whole definition of ‘who I am’ as another system that got to be around specific people, specific places according to a specific self-definition that I carried and wore as ‘who I am’ that would almost by ‘default’ pre-define the types of people I would be seeking as a counter-act to my self-definition of for example, being an ‘outsider’ within my own family-structure and so, seeking for counter-acts to what they defined as ‘acceptable’, ‘recommendable relationships’ for myself.
Okay – so it is inevitable to look at this when realizing that I don’t have ‘friends’ as such, that the very last friend I have I met through the one that was my ‘best-friend’ at some point and then that relationship ended and we ‘his’ friend and I became friends and have been so for several years now, probably 5 or so – fuck, I can’t believe it’s been so long! anyways. He met me as a rebellious rather ‘fun’ girl that would drink, smoke, spend hours on coffee shops with this constant desire to seek for something to fulfill my ‘whole’-ness lol, having this ‘hidden agenda’ from family members with a sense of being anitpathetic yet affable to those that I deemed as deserving ‘my respect’ who were equally depressive, sociopaths and antipathetic beings that would delve in books, seeking a meaning of life – etc. etc. etc. Well, to ‘shorten’ the story, now that I see this friend again it’s cool to see that one principle binds us and that is the inherent understanding of Equality, of Human Rights, Human Dignity in living – he’s a sociologist so, he knows his field of study as himself quite well – and so he’s very cool for that, and for what he’s currently doing which is working with kids and within that being able to combine his artistic ‘vein’ by using his sociologist resources – So, with him I can see we’ve ‘remained’ being ‘friends’ or together because beyond it all, beyond the ‘personality’ that I was and embodied when I met him, this essence of who I am, who we are as self is what actually made the ‘relationship’ and so it’s quite cool – it is the only relationship that has lasted from ‘before process’ and on to now – yes we definitely had our ‘lows’ and stopped seeing each other for some periods of time, but it’s been quite cool to be part of his own process, even though he doesn’t ‘apply’ himself as such, he’s made some definitive statements in his life which has supported him to establish his ground in what he does, so that’s cool.
There are other beings from my past that want to ‘see me’ and If I see them, meet up with them they simply probably realize there is no ‘concordance’ to ‘who I was’ before, that’s quite interesting – because the simple ‘grasping’ points within the mind as to ‘why’ they wanna see me, what they could probably ‘enjoy’ about me as a personality-treat is most-likely no longer there – it is only this relationship that I explained as a ‘friendship’ based on this common-ground as human beings, understanding our own ‘existence’ is what actually kept this only relationship working –
I got a message from some guys that were my ‘friends’ in the past – lol all of them seem to be cut by the same pair of scissors, and thus they all reflect that which I ‘was’ and it’s pretty interested to look-at, lol it’s as if I knew I am going to ‘disappoint’ them because of not being playing ‘my part’ again, but hey, that’s the only way I will know if they are actually up to stand as equals or they were seeking something more of energetic-possession as personality-treats. Lol – oh god, really fascinating the people I surrounded or sought-to have around in my life.
I looked at that one relationship in my life, then at the one after that, then at the other guy that I liked, then at the other friend, then at my old friend – lol all these males that had some self-destructive vein going on – I’ve read this before, someone told me this not long ago, but I can’t remember.
Anyways – This probably was also triggered by Cenk’s video on alcohol and how he stopped the physical social-interaction with people because he stopped drinking – so just by looking at that basic ‘bond’ point of
me + alcohol + people that dig ‘alcohol’ = ‘friends’ and removing the factor ‘alcohol’ from that equation and not getting the end result as ‘friends’ or ‘acquaintances’ or anything else simply shows to what extent conditioning exists, mind control and just plain dishonesty as using a self-destructive factor to ‘get along’ with others, to stop fearing others, to stop inhibiting oneself with others – quite fucked up.
But yeah, in this case I can relate to myself when doing the same equation by replacing ‘alcohol’ factor with weed, or with my ‘tastes in music’ or any other personality-treat that lead me to be part of certain beings’ life.
This also probably comes from seeing that I have the curiosity to see my old friend/neighbor as my sister asked me about him and judging the fact that year after year goes by and he still does the same thing – to which I didn’t answer int he moment without pointing out the obvious that we as human beings do the same shit over and over again every single day and year and that she was only seeing from her ‘eye’ of what’s ‘productive’ and ‘what’s not productive’. Anyways… yeah the deal is that if I’d see him I know I wouldn’t be able to spend hours just contemplating him playing guitar or taking pictures or whatever or talking about music or beings or going out or … nope – yet the ‘link’ exists as all the time that I spent to which I can definitely look back at many times and situations and say: wow, where was I when i did that? And I can see that even if I tried ‘hard’ I wouldn’t be able to simply ‘go back’ to the ‘old me’ – the point of no-return has long-been drawn and well, it’s just like the remains of something that once was that still knock on my mind’s door and want to extract some ‘energy’ out of creating friction with it to see if some ‘fire’ can emerge again – but self-honestly there is no way -everytime I see myself going to the thought of ‘would be cool to meet him’ comes from a specific desire to get ‘something’ out of it – that is what I’ve been observing in the random desires to go out mostly – so, quite interesting – just looking at it, placing ‘who I was’ into perspective now.