at the end

It’s been oddly cold these days around here, getting as low as 15 degrees and so almost in the middle of the day, it’s been raining a lot. News point out many disasters going on due to rain, economic news simply repeat themselves every day, wanting to shed some ‘light’ on to the panorama but all economists point out to something that doesn’t have a remedy at the moment. Fascinating. 

I turned on the tv and saw this nostradamus deal on a ‘hidden book’ or something and how these drawings point out to the end times and how the prophecies became real. And then listening to one of the Desteni recordings the name ‘siener’ van rensburg’ was mentioned so I watched a series of three videos to get to know about him and so I watched some more on these theories of 2012 as I hadn’t done that in some years now – interesting stuff but all useless – if you read comments people just ‘drop dead’ after watching that and place comments like ‘oh then we all just smoke weed in the meantime till the end comes’ – fuck, I mean even if the fucking ‘end’ would actually come which in itself as ‘the end’ for anyone’s life is inevitable, there’s no point in giving yourself away just because of knowing you will die, lol – everyone on earth then would be in constant awe from the moment they are born – well, this might be in fact an intricate part of the inherent human experience, lol quite interesting but I really don’t care too much about this. I like the idea of there being an imminent end and cleansing and overall destruction of all as I see no other way to remove all the shit that’s existent currently –  yet if it does’t happen, it doesn’t change or affect ‘who i am’ here in every moment. I have always been fascinated with the ‘end times’ from a very early age and when drawing and stuff like that I can’t help but place that through as expression. So, to me it’s nothing really to be ‘afraid’-of I declare that I actually opt for that massive destruction but I am not any fucking god to tell if this is gonig to happen or not. What is real is that every single day this world is more fucked up than the day before in many ways and that any attempt to ‘save it’ will fail unless it is something that changes the starting point of everything – and obviously even with Equal Money a lot will have to fall for it to actually be implemented – so, as I’ve said to several people and one of my ‘favorite’ points to come-through as when communicating: best is to get used to death, deal with the fear of death, let go, don’t fear death – just make-sure you live every single day like the last one, no regret – 
I transcribed also this discussion on agreements and once again how one cannot transcend if we are not in a basic established agreement with another human being – this has been pushed all along, lol when I was in one I didn’t ‘worry’ much as I though it would last for the rest of my life – so now it was like ‘oh, right… I have no-one’ – SO I went out for a walk and applied Self Forgiveness on these points of ‘being in an Agreement’ and the whole ‘alone’ point which I had previously discussed in chat this morning -or was it yesterday? lol – and how the ‘loneliness’ point can get to us but it is in fact ‘how we exist’ as being ‘alone’ and that I simply see the acceptance of it as what it is and not creating an extra-experience upon it which is what causes the ‘loneliness’ syndrome which comes from the basic ideas of being ‘unfulfilled’ and ‘desire for relationship’ and general solitude – so, it’s cool to be able to share these points as I can see how I am pretty much ‘back’ into that but stopping the experience upon it and just taking things for what they are. This interview on agreement, well i simply won’t push anything, I can’t really see myself in something like that at the moment, and there’s no point inf even ‘thinking’ and ‘feeding’ upon it at the moment. Just leave it aside. 
Last night I was alone and I plugged in the guitar and just played but mostly experimented with singing, practiced some of the ‘techniques’ I got while at the farm in singing lessons with Cerise, it was definitely quite cool singing my lungs out, like a way to let go and just ‘talk’ – that same day I had a call/skype chat that was quite cool because of being able to speak for an hour once again in english and actually communicating again – lol, so that was cool support, it’s like sometimes I really don’t speak much, so talking to another and expressing in a two-way communication was very cool support, kind of needed that. Then singing that night was like also a cool way to express-out and enjoyed that, I see I don’t do that or wouldn’t have done that if my parents were home, i am always secretly wanting them to leave home so that I can sing or dance around or whatever lol – but anyways, there might be some other opportunities for that. Singing is cool, i wasn’t even saying words just ‘singing’ along with the guitar lol which is still not my thing playing and singing at the same time, pf difficult. 
And yes, I got up very late this morning and got pissed off again – not like completely ‘angry’ but I just really dislike sleeping more than 6 hours and even more if it’s ‘late’ in the morning – pf woke up at 9 that was terrible! terrible!! Anyways, I enjoy the sub4sub deal seeing people’s comments and reactions upon the channel itself and my reactions to their channels and so on. Interesting also when seeing some already ‘joining in’, that’s fascinating – also seeing others now ‘showing’ themselves after been just ‘hiding’ from the cameras and so on, so that’s cool. 
I got a message from my old roomie saying she was ‘impressed’ at my latest art work -wtf I have no idea which ‘latest art work’ as I hadn’t done anything in months except for few drawings here and there that I haven’t even published- I have to be dead honest that I’ve been reluctant to start drawing again, stupidly enough because  in a way it should be interesting to see what comes out after such a long time – I noticed that message ‘woke me up’ literally like Oh! right!  ‘art work’ aha… yes me going to ‘art school’ – lol. So I’ll see and not try to see it as a fucking vain activity to do while the world is crumbling down – that’s mostly the ‘idea’ running behind my back I mean, in the back of my head when thinking ‘art’ – ‘how shallow, how selfish, how purpose-less doing that while everything and everyone is just going mad’ – but, okay , it’s for the sake of getting a title within the system – I just breathe through it and do what I can do which I am aware isn’t such a ‘struggle point’ for me, it’s more when I place it into context that the shit comes – so, i’ll just learn how to walk in that again after over a year of not really doing ‘something’. I tend to create an idea of ‘how it will be’ and generally that idea will be a lot ‘more’ of an experience than actually being walking in the school and attending classes and so on. 
okay, that’s it for now – just some general experiences, nothing ‘transcendental’ here, just confirming the views on this world and how it is going downward spiraling. 
Though, no matter ‘what’ – I remain – so that way, fears and expectations and whatnot are able to be stopped and simply ‘go for the ride’ every day, do what I can, what Is here, to support when possible, to support myself, to give time for myself -which I haven’t been effectively doing – and yes, stopping future projections and concerns about anything! as it is all self-interest based. As I said to myself while walking – all I truly ‘want’ is just Equality in all ways, every-way that will stop all madness, all schizophrenia and all the ‘psychles’ that we’ve repeated ourselves as up to this day – (lol yes it is  made-up word for psycho and cycles and it’s the second time in the day I’ve used it lol) – So, it’s like a motto ‘Tired of bullshit? Stop your mind’ that is it. Simple. 
Thanks for reading if you did get down here – 


About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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