I watched Darryl’s 6th vlog and after watching it and some hours later the word ‘philosophy’ got stuck or more like triggered some stuff as he said ‘who doesn’t need feel-low-so-fee? you really don’t ‘lol so this is so cool to realize because I had the ‘conviction’ of a ‘life philosophy’ that i wanted to create taking from all kinds of religions/philosophies/techniques and whatever I could find to create ‘my own religion’ – that was deeply going on before desteni and so I see how that word ‘resonated’ as something that I had defined myself according to – knowledge ‘love for knowledge’ sipping-up books trying to find some “truth”. That was my life then. pff the simple pair of words ‘Life Philosophy’ in itself is complete contradiction ‘love for knowledge’ and ‘life’ simply can’t match,
And then I got some message from lindsay or joe on one of the unlisted videos and had that word again, so it just ‘got’ on to me and was linked somehow to this two fantastic pair of words that got presented by the resonances on a chat some moments ago ‘irrational annoyance’ – fascinating – that’s how I can describe my overall constant ‘state of being’ while in my teenage years around 16 and so on, when I would be ‘hating the world’ for no reason at all, or for all reasons and justifications I could find to remain in such a ‘gloomy state’ really, I just wanted to be some kind of tim burton’s character or something like that lol, ridden by emotions to its ultimate peak and completely ‘addicted’ to such experiences, believing I was ‘alive’ and that ‘feeling’ which I equated to ‘suffering inherently as a human-being’ was all I had to know ‘I was alive’ -lolol all that teenage drama where I would rejoice in soaking up books that described wrecked characters with sulky lines about this world. So, my ‘feel-low-so-fee’ of life was pretty much like Darryl describes there: my opinion/perspective is the right one, if you don’t agree with it, then you’re just fucked and would be completely shut from my world – within this creating an impermeable shield as a way to protect myself from being vulnerable without having an actual foundation to do so but a simple preference, not a principle.
Lol I just replied to the following comment in a video: “this song resonants deep in my soul I love depeche mode!!!” Reply by me: @valleen It just resonates with me, there is no more ‘soul’ that was a fucked-up construct- just resonates – cool
Anyways, I went to see the kid from the states that is leaving tomorrow, the 7 year old lol we did some more star wars talk and this time we get to actually play, kids do not have this ‘taboo’ of touching someone as they are playful in nature, so I had fun being ‘attacked’ by him with cushions and discussing various topics, just laughing, singing, screaming and enjoying, just by being with him I could definitely ‘re-live’ the state I would be in when i was a child you know happy for no reason, really enjoying going ‘nuts’ for a moment and ‘out of control’ in a way – lol even to repeat things many times to annoy someone, to sing something out of nowhere, make noises, sounds, pretend to have an imaginary friend that I then got annoyed by and dismissed – lol.
So I can relate to a kid’s experience and it’s cool that I can simply just ‘plug-in’ with their state of mind instead of doing as ‘adults’ do, restricting everything just like the kids from my actual ‘family’ who are treated with pliers, taking obsessive-care of them. THat’s really fucked up, they only create insecure, fearful kids – I know that because I was that, a y very fearful kid towards things like darkness and ‘forces’ that I couldn’t see such as demons – this all implanted by family, family members and beliefs based on the whitelightish beliefs that run in the family. pf so fucked-up and ingrained. I grew up with fear of being envied, fear of someone wishing something ‘bad’ on to me’, needing to wear some kind of ‘protection’ , being present when these people would get ‘demons’ out of my house lolol ‘apparently’ and then blame it on to images I had on the wall. pff. So far-out all these events yet I blindly believed in them because of being present when they did all their channeling and whatnot – I mean basic common-sense I asked myself was: ‘WHy am I one of the few privileged ones to get these beings coming to give me ‘providence and protection’ to my own fucking house while millions are placing trust and faith to a wooden/ceramic man on a cross on some rusty chapel?’ – Yet never went further than that when it was an obvious trap’
So, my ‘feel-low-so-fee’ in life was that of ‘Every head it’s a different world, respect mine, I’ll respect yours’ or some systematic bs like that – complete ‘fencing’-point to allow apparent free-choice ‘to do and be whatever I want’ – how deluded can we get to be really, it’s the ultimate ‘fuck-you’ statement indeed.
Okay so my parents have this glee on their faces, my mother was whistling this morning and it was obvious she was oozing excitement and containing her excitement that could’ve heated the water for my morning coffee – so to speak – So I simply pointed this out and she smiled and recognized proudly her enthusiasm – then you know talking with someone about how ‘wonderful news’ and how ‘happy’ she is and whatnot –
I got asked today by my oldest cousin: aren’t you happy about the news??!! and I was like hmm.. It’s ok. – really not showing any ‘glee’ itself, only that it will be cool to share/show him/her some ways in life – I am really not excited upon an idea- when the baby is there and then we can actually communicate then that will be fun – my sister used to joke how she would take their kids with me so they could get educated – lol not to mention that when being with kids/taking care of kids I enjoy pushing through the set ‘boundaries’ they create with authority figures and thus enjoy ‘walking’-them into seeing things from the other side of the road – quite interesting. But yeah, I simply ‘stood’ the same when being asked that question, I really can’t pretend any ‘excitement’ if there is no excitement at all, I simply can’t play those ‘laugh for laugh’ games showing sympathy or empathy just so that they don’t think it’s ‘weird’ that I am ‘not happy about it’ – I simply said what I had to say in the moment, I can see the fears coming up when expressing/directing me this way but stopped and simply continued actually sharing and considering what is here in the moment.
And as such, this is it for today, enjoyed all the laughter for no reason, that’s the cool one – playing with a kid and embracing madness in a world were adults create all the walls for the children to ‘keep them safe’ without realizing they install fear towards the outside world and fear of another.
What does actual ‘care as parents would imply in this perspecctive.Cool point to ponder.
ps. I shared a second part othe series on vlog-exploration in the unlisted videos section at the forum – enjoy if you’re up for it.