‘The void is not the void because there’s nothing to be empty of’ – that’s a quote I remembered from watching Lauri’s video on love and this general feeling of being unfulfilled and seeking constantly for someone to love – I definitely also see that’s inherent human programming, it’s like this screw that was left out by designers just so that we could go fucking ourselves with ideas of requiring ‘love’ and this something that we create within ourselves, never given by ‘another’ in itself – it’s all about ‘the way that someone makes you feel’ which is nothing but a bunch of chemical reactions and ideas that trigger other definitions upon oneself – all perfectly orchestrated for humans going from door to door looking for love – I was definitely there myself, I’ve already written about this shit extensively in the first year – squeezed it out of myself and only through that, through placing outside all these threads of self delusion on being almost ‘sucked out’ by the point of relationship was I able to realize how extensively I had allowed myself to exist in this form of self abuse.
The point that was literally placed in my face and a point I had to deal with extensively while at the farm was Self Acceptance – that having to do with myself accepting me as what I am and thus stopping that inherent self-hatred that I can see many human beings have, the inherent ‘flawed’ perception of ourselves – all of it creating nothing but ourselves as being apparently incapable of standing ‘alone’ and be completely here as ourselves ‘fulfilled’ if you wanna call it that because, there’s really nothing to be empty of thus ‘fulfillment’ anything that creates that sense of being ‘fulfilled’ is already deceptive from the perspective of how one is using that ‘something’ to be ‘complete’, to create a sense of ‘satisfaction’ – just another balancing act that will fall by its own weight. Fascinating – yet it is all obviously accepted as ‘Human Nature’ and it’s impulsed by culture, education, environment – any and all kinds of human conditioning within thsi world, it’s by ‘default’ that if you are a ‘boy’ you will be seeking ‘for a girl’ to ‘complete yourself’ and vice versa.
As long as these prefab ideas of what the standing with another is – meaning based on ideas of ‘love’ and ‘feelings’ and seeking for an idea of being ‘fulfilled’ or ‘loved’ or ‘seeking acceptance’ = self will remain enslaved to such point and all I can say it’s a real fucker because if you really believe yourself to be needing this, then you really become that idea of being ‘incomplete’ and really dedicate your life to seek that ‘completeness’ – one cheesy memory popped up when I probably created this idea of being fulfilled when being with another – quite deceptive because it was obviously created at the mind level as it was simply me being with another – 1+1 = 2 – Two separate beings standing together -that’s it, it’s not like I exist as a half looking for another half – which is how it is portrayed and accepted within the system, the walking halves (nots) knots, screwed around themselves seeking for another half to fulfill – plain in/out equation of desiring sex and making something more about it – lol. I could see this very well when the mind would go and tend to create a ‘feeling’ out of the actual physical encounter of having sex – really interesting when stopping that all that remains is physical here – physical experience – nothing else.
So – back to self here and where am I standing within this? I saw the point coming out as a ‘withdrawal’ symptom for the past month, but it’s cool now – literally ‘cooled down’ in terms of realizing that there are points that are here to be dealt with, that seeking for a personal experience such as this is self interest if I spend my time as such as ‘seeking’ and ‘feeling sorry for myself’ or ‘feeling alone’ and such – instead I simply exist here, directing the points, walking through the recently accepted point of myself as a whole, self acceptance, completely, in all ways – this has taken some time and as I’ve explained, relationships is that ‘thing’ in my process that comes around in circles/cycles whatever – so, all I can say is quite cool to stand from that and be able to say that I am here and clear about this point – cool to be able to look at the point and only having but few points moving but not a general experience as it would happen before – fascinating lol
Well, all I can say it’s liberation as this point is also that can be lived as here, not needing or requiring something or ‘someone’ – just me here and giving head to what is required to be done, stopping the desires for my own pleasure and fun – then whenever the point is here, then cool and that’s it.
No lingering on, no longing for, no requiring for. Just here.
Okay, some sharing on this point cool for opening up the point –
Let’s simply stop all the unnecessary bs we go through and give ‘head’ to what actually requires to be done here – yeah!