So, I’m officially ‘back in school’ and it is me getting ‘back in track’ where I left off when going off to SA more than one year ago – I spent the entire weekend establishing myself in my new room in a house I’ll be sharing with other 4 beings, it’s across the street from school which means people are coming around yet because of the house being spacious enough, it is okay, I’ve enjoyed so far seeing people it’s been fascinating seriously, even people I wouldn’t have normally spoken to before with ‘such ease’, I did spoke to just like that, with people in queues, on the computers next to me at the internet café lolol I was kind of ‘avid’ to talk with people as I had spent most of my days at home wherein I didn’t communicate much face to face so, pff lol I am surprised at myself now that I look back at my day – even taking the garbage out and seeing the same guys that work in the garbage truck picking up our bags was a ‘cool moment’ seeing them again for some reason, every person in my environment that I’d seen around since I’ve been here I’ve seen and been glad to do so – like the grocery’s store owner and so forth – there’s this complete openness to people like before I would still function in placing certain ‘categories/separation’ with me and people and now they’re just gone. The same happened on sunday when the owners of the house we’re living in came to pick lemons from the lemon tree that’s in the patio of this house, I spent a very cool time talking with them, they shared their memories in this house, about their kids, them now adjusting to a smaller place and how they see it doesn’t matter if they have to adapt to a smaller space because they get along well and that’ what really keeps the marriage going which I said it is definitely key point indeed a cool relationship of support which is quite noticeable, they function as a team as far as I could see which is cool to find nowadays in couples around their age (40’s something) So yes, quite cool to have people sharing openly here.
Then today at school I was there early on time for workshop, the workshop i spent half of my days last year, pff I went straight in and hugged S the guy that aids the teacher and whom have been a very cool support for me in the workshop – he just made a remark on the hair but immediately said: cool you don’t have to use shampoo or anything like that anymore – lol and I shared what I had done in SA and he also shared how he had thought it was kind of silly having dropped out with only one year left of finishing – so he expressed how he was glad to see me back, I was glad to see him as well still there, he was more of a teacher to me than the teacher herself so I was glad to see him and also see that everything I could’ve formed around him back in the day when getting to know him was just gone and was able to stand completely clear, I was very aware within myself of my reactions when seeing people. It was fascinating I could see in the minutest refraction movement that would want to ‘come up’ in relation to people I simply stopped, didn’t participate and let go – just here, walking – obviously many eyes were on my head, lol imagine ‘first day of school’ where all people is just getting ‘back on track’ and so forth but yeah just walked through, greeted people, explaining, sharing, getting up to date with their lives and so on… it was cool having that ‘warm welcome’ as people seemed happy to see me and I was surprisingly ‘happy’ to see them again, even with people that I wouldn’t have normally ‘talked to’ I did openly, it was very cool – lol! my etching teacher asked me if my baldness was a religious deal, or a personal conviction and so I said:Yes, it is a personal conviction in/for Equality – lol she said that if it’s my decision and choice then so be it lol it was funny because all the new students in the workshop were there and for a moment i saw this refraction of ‘oh all are going to know my story now’ lol but that I just stopped in one second and continued sharing. It was quite cool and my teacher is willing to support me with the credits I have left behind lol which in fact happened when I got into Desteni and I required time to study the material and be on chats lolol I don’t really regret ANYTHING obviously even though people said like ‘oh well it was one year pff I would’ve closed the cycle first here and then leave blabalb’ but no, I decided it to be that way and that’s how it was and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world obviously – that will be kind of ‘hard’ to believe for anyone not knowing fully what I’m into – lol which is most of the people at the moment – but at some point, they will.
Lol some people that I had formed judgments about I openly shared and greeted and I saw how those judgments were simply actually my own resonant created barrier to get to share with them, one of them ended even sharing cake with me – and so forth I mean – How can I explain? I definitely definitely required this, talking to people seeing people, sharing, hearing to their stories, about them, what’s up with their lives, etc. some even placed their cold hands on my scalp lolol funny and I can say people here in mexico city will always be far more open than in the city I come from. People in the city I come from are a lot more closed and thus unable to be as open as people here – also in the area I live in, people really know everyone around here it’s an actual neighborhood not just random encapsuling of people in homes – I can honestly said I enjoyed and that all the perceived ‘fears’ or ‘expectations’ that would want to come up at times in relation to seeing people again, seeing my teachers and what they would say and ask and so forth was gone in the simple moment of just ‘being there’. Well I haven’t yet seen the ‘significant people’ in my past, it’s fascinating because these people met the ‘weedy crazy artsy girl’ and now they were kind of ‘wowed’ when seeing my ‘radical change’ as most of them said – Oh! lol that reminds me that I also saw a junior/highschool school mate, one of those ‘preppy people’ I would be friends with lol and that I enjoyed laughing at while being a ‘badass’ – it was very interesting seeing that guy and his reaction to my bald head but overall ‘happy’ to see me – he did study for a cheff and we recalled he then wanted to make a ‘dark/gothic dish specially for me’ which is made out of a fungus of corn which is black in color – lolol I pointed that memory out and enjoyed the moment of seeing him as well.
Anyways, I am so far enjoying the company here, I can see how when I lived in the apartment alone I would ‘seclude’ myself and thus living with others at the moment has been supportive in terms of knowing I am not alone and just by the fact that going outside of my house means going to the outside of school where there are lots of people hanging around, lots of places to eat different stuff, lots of movement and the best part is I only cross the street and I’m in school, I cross the street and I’m at home lol.
I have to say that not having internet in two and a half days generated some anxiety within me with regards to imagining all the emails and work online ‘piling up’ fuck that was hard to stop as a constant nagging though. I mean yeah I enjoyed painting my room and arranging it, getting ‘back’ to that point of doing my own stuff as being alone and taking care of services, food, cleaning yeah ! I enjoy that, it is like those basic points that when being at home with my parents would be taken care of – so I enjoy taking responsibility for myself and I cannot do anything else but take the lead to get problems solved like caring for the installation of internet, gas service, and spiffing around the places a bit to make them ‘homey’ lolol I just enjoyed that and I am simply directing the points, I do not hold anything back for the sake of being’ polite’ – if I see something I point it out as it is, and that way things will actually work and function well.
Fascinating, I saw this guy that some years ago he’d shaved his head and the first time I came to the city some two months ago to look for a place to stay, he was the first familiar school person I saw on the bus, noticed he’d grown his hair back – we’ve never really spoken, I just knew he is from my generation – then today I saw him with another ‘friend’ and he was bald again – lol – quite cool, he’s like the sort of ‘closed off’ ‘shy’ tough guy that’s going to work with kids as social service to finish his career, cool to see that actually, fascinating.
Well, even though most of my peers have ‘finished’ some still have some credits to clear up and so, most will be coming around as everyone actually fears ending school and having to face reality – I mean, come on, it’s art school we’re like the children that found an excuse as a career to live in dream world of being able to express without having to enter to the ‘tough capitalistic world of survival’ - so, yeah I have to see myself within that.
I did have reactions in terms of seeing the amount of time my career will require in these last stages and all the points to still be covered and given direction to in terms of Desteni online, but I will settle down as soon as I have a definitive schedule and definitive internet service and so on – people are quite ‘warm’ here I could ‘feel’ that in a way, not as a defined feeling but when seeing people, being around people that’s the experience in the moment a ‘hereness’ which isn’t really a ‘connection’ made but a single point of recognition as self, Quite cool, seeing first hand how the stopping of judgments have become also to a vast degree manageable as in stopping them more accurately and just being in the moment – here, rather looking, listening, experiencing the person in the moment, almost like seeing through them and what they present as themselves. Lol even a teacher I once had an egotistical confrontation with in relation to me ‘defending’ the type of painting I wanted to do whereas he’d be a hardcore traditional painter I mean, lol! I ‘stood up to him’ at that time for him diminishing my ‘art’ in his class, it was the first time I actually ‘spoke up to ‘ someone in that way and today I saw him, we said hi while passing by, interestingly enough he did recognize me and as such, it was quite a nice point to face in one go – immediate forgiveness of the point, stopping the ‘remains’ of some conflict that once was and just saying hi. Fascinating. Really, fuck, it’s been great support to see these people from my past and see ‘who I am’ within it – an empty space that sees the points coming up, stop, let go and just be.
Pff! lots of expenses as well – shit, but it’s cool that I’m living in a much cheaper place as well and thus, I will simply make sure that I get to everything that’s needed to be done, paid for and followed around here. I enjoyed! I am trying to remember the moment where I reacted – oh yeah it was when seeing this guy that I was attracted to for a while, and he kind of effusively greeted me and looked quite perplexed at my bald head yet saying something like ‘that’s a commitment that is respectable’ or something like that so, it was cool that he ‘saw’ the point behind it all and not asking for the ‘obvious look’ but saw the action behind it immediately – I noticed a certain ‘nervousness’ as the usual that I would face when speaking directly to someone I was ‘attracted to’ at some point but I simply let go of that, stopped it and continued – it’s fascinating to move through these points, these tricky points that are placed in there, like ‘tests’ that I simply would go walking through walking through and that was it, simple – no desire, no want, no need, no pretension, no limitation, no fear, no judgment, no self imposed seclusion moves – lol I deliberately went to say hi to people, fascinating. I am quite surprised myself of myself I must say. The same with the guy that leaves next to me, he’s a very ‘relaxed’ type of guy and it’s been interesting seeing how the resonant thoughts would be of judging him for the type of music he listens to or his looks and trying to guess what he likes and does and so forth and thus being able to see how we create the cage for others to be defined within and as and creating nothing but separation that serves nothing/no-one but judgments themselves – I am getting to see people as the ‘essence’ like that primordial ability to be with the person in the moment as the person, not as who they think they are or who I thought they were – fascinating.
Okay so this is it, the point I planned to get at in the beginning of may, it is now a reality and thus the first step of what I will be walking through and directing myself within my process. ‘Getting back to where I left off’ was a phrase I shared with Darryl this evening and noticed how it made complete sense to come back here, as while being in SA even though I had the time of my life and terrific experiences, I had this ‘nagging thought’ of having ‘left off’ without saying anything, with having promised to ‘come back’ yet I didn’t – so – quite cool to somehow be back on the track to finish what I started by my own ‘choice’ which was coming to this city to study here following a ‘dream world’ – fuck! now let’s turn that dream world into an awakening reality for myself, to face the world or prepare myself to do so in the following years to come.
Really, simplicity is here available for everyone to enjoy the moment – I have enjoyed being around people again, they’re mostly younger than me and that’s also cool.
Okay! I’ve written a lot here but hadn’t done it in few days because of being moving out and in and settling in – which I am still doing – I like the sense of community here in this area particularly of the city which is still like an old-time fashioned town-like area where everyone knows each other and people have different types of simple jobs and skills mostly practical stuff that doesn’t require ‘school’ as such to get through –
deja vu just experienced – this has happened already.
OKAY! long post – I just had to write some days out lol – thanks for reading !