So – I came to visit my family after a long time of not doing so – it was quite a fast visit where everything’s the same. I went out with my friend that once was my bf and had a cool time chatting and visiting some art exhibition as we usually do. I realized how I hadn’t actually talked with someone for a long time in that way – I enjoy being able to talk with someone like that. While describing the point of school and how I see things I realized that I hadn’t actually shared with detail my observations there.
I am currently going to classes with people that are one generation below mine. The generation I was with initially I’d say was quite a cool active and participative group/generation – this one is the total opposite. Everyone sits quietly just ‘going by’ to have the assistance marked in the class and the rest, they don’t really care about, at all, not even if they are actually going to ‘become’ artists – very few actually participate and care. If I take a look around during classes everyone is simply awaiting for the time for it to end, it is simply a non-supportive panorama to be ‘learning’ in at all. Obviously teachers see this tremendous apathy within everyone, I sometimes still react and want to ‘make up for’ the rest of the class being just ‘down’ and not participating by actually participating or voicing myself – sometimes I realize my starting point and just stop, I mean I won’t try to keep up with my role of ‘opinionated being’ – thus I simply keep quiet but think to myself that in other times I would’ve probably been completely depressed and not wanting to go to school because it is simply a waste of time –
Now that I have removed these ideas I can certainly take on the point of walking through school without being affected in the moment. I simply go there, and walk the class! lol there is no other way and participate within the context of what’s being said. I mean if I look around people and see their sad faces, their fastidious faces I simply continue and not allow myself to be affected by this. This overall ‘experience’ is not my own projection, that I can definitely conclude it is farily obvious – so, I simply walk through school and I can see my priority is really only what we are doing at Desteni. The ‘art world’ unless it is a platform that I can actually use for what’s best for all, it’s irrelevant to me and what I see I’m doing as I explained in one of the videos is walking a ‘timeloop’ of the decision I made upon ‘studying art’.
Like yesterday, we went to two art exhibits, one of them was an opening – I mean cool for the guy that pained the whole deal and being able to have people look around at his paintings but, that’s about it – there is no actual supportive point in any way, lol not that it is intended to be one anyways, but I see activities and always make sure that I remain active/working within actions that are actually able to be summed up to other actions as 1+1 in Equality. Thus it’s quite easy and plain to see that working and supporting and moving within Desteni creates an actual effect. Thus, I am definitely having to manage my time to make sure I get school-points done in time and effectively and simply continue my day to day tasks with and as Desteni – I mean, art cannot be a priority at all, at all – lol so it’s quite a point to walk through something that I’m not really into anymore – I cannot deny either that it doesn’t interest me, I simply see that to become an actual artist I would have to spend more time on actually creating a career on that which I haven’t done through the career itself as I got to Desteni and I definitely dedicated myself to it. So that’s how I’m currently walking through it, desolated sense of environment in that school, like helpless but yeah these are my own projections.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and deem school to be desolated and helpless as the environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a definitive point of judgment in relation to how I perceive people around in my school environment.
It’s quite easy to see that we are all just wanting ‘the paper’ to be out of school and get ‘done’ with it, so it’s quite easy to see how we have actually created a world of helplessness based on survival, on choosing studying a career just because of money and an actual validation within the system for it, There are obviously also those that really spend time working and spending most of their day in school and giving art full time and so that is very cool, I once thought I would be like that, that was my initial ‘shot’ when getting into school but then later on it simply wasn’t like that.
Now I wrote in one of my notebooks how I can’t dedicate myself to art and creating and supporting art as an activity while knowing that human beings are starving in this world, I can’t rely on placing attention to it, to dedicate myself to an activity that may not have actual effect on this realitya s how and what I want to do in this world, an actual change – and that starts with myself and ends with myself thus I dedicate my life to this.
In relation to dedicating my life to this and then seeing and being with my ex-bf I noticed how easy it is to ‘fall’ into points of desiring to be with someone for a moment, just for physical touch, that closeness and so I experienced that point with him and realized how easy it is to rely on the point of a ‘relationship’ to feel comfort and so forth – I breathed through the point, and I can see that’s an actual physical ‘need’ that I simply have to breathe-through, I know perfectly well that relationships are ‘my point’ thus, I simply can’t follow these thoughts any more in the same cycling and enslaving fashion. When we said goodbye and hugged me I saw some sadness emerging and so realized – okay becoming emotional, system failure lol, I stop I breathe and I walk. And so I let go of the moment, it’s not easy I got to experience once again such point of actually ‘facing a point’ and having a reaction come up – I saw it in the moment, and allowed myself to let it pass. That was it. I don’t hope and future project on this point anymore in terms of ‘finding someone’ and so forth – but I cannot deny the fact of that requirement of actual physical-contact with someone. It’s been a long time already so, well this is my point that I’ve given up to walk this process. As I write this memories come up of moments where I actually enjoyed myself with another … and so deep breath – let go, establish my ground here as myself and walk, let go of memories and continue.
So walking through what I have tagged as ‘apathy’ and the point of requiring physical contact/communication – lol which is definitely a point of not wanting to know ‘cool stories’ but actually sharing yourself and your experience. I see myself when being at school seeing at who I could ‘share’ myself with in a moment, I communicate but it’s mostly rather ‘superficial’ ways, I can’t build an actual point of communication with just anyone at the level that I was looking for. Thus I am simply here, sharing and that is it.
Traveling here pff lots of time spent and I really can’t afford that – coming ‘back home’ is like visiting an old story that I was once part of, maybe that’s why I enjoy the new place I’m living in and even the fact that I don’t have the same classmates is supportive in that. Even though all of this, it’s cool to face my background and reality and so forth. Anyways. That is IT for now, if it wasn’t for the Process i have full-heartedly committed myself to, I would probably exist in the same cycles as the past, seeking relationships to hide and feel better about this world, using drugs to go by and that is it. quite fucked up I can see – glad I’m not there at all.