Past pre-tensions of who i wanted to be faced

I faced another point within my reality, one of those points of meeting people from the past that I somehow had regarded as ‘important’ for myself, probably because of how I had deemed this particular people as ‘intelligent’ within the academic-friendly ways that this country supports. They are a couple, actually a family that live quite well out of being intellectuals, researchers, historians, economists, etc – the parents of this family are now retired, living in a very well-placed area and city and simply enjoying the good life they’ve made out of their own work for years and years.

Okay so to the point: I regarded them as ‘special’ within my world of ‘known people’ because I saw them as a role model, I wanted to get to be like them. Ever since they knew that I was an avid reader and that I wanted to study literature and then going to arts and living in the city and build the type of personality that is/can be considered as an ‘intellectual’ – which is basically what they are – the type of people that get to earn a LOT of money when being consecrated within and by the institutionally correct researchers and academics type of deal, well since then they created this ‘specialness’ around myself and would be very interested in my career and activities and they are one of the first and only buyers of my art lol which is cool yes, but definitely the type of people that ‘fuel’ that personality that I was building-myself as back in the day.

So, we were invited to go visit them to their house, I hadn’t seen them in almost 2 years and I only knew through my parents that they were really looking forward to see me and get to know what I had done in Africa. The moment I knew that they were ‘expecting to see me’ I created this resistance to actually go and visit them, I actually still doubted on whether going or not this very morning before actually leaving. But, it’s quite simple: I saw that the resistance came because I knew that I would have to make clear and explain what I went to do and what I’m doing and break some bubbles around me and my trip if necessary – because gee my parents – or specifically my mother – tends to want to create this whole deal about me studying something in SA and kind of wanting to make it more to the eyes of others, all unnecessary bs that I’ve already explained that, if she’d lied to people about what i went to do, I will simply point out the fact as what it is and what I did so – that’s what I did and so I decided to go and face this people.

First of all I’m glad that I did go there because it was one of those points that was lingering in the back of my head, somehow I have to clear out why were they an ‘important’ point, like I regarded them as ‘valuable’ in their opinions and such – well it’s quite obvious actually, it’s due to them being intellectuals, people that have read tons of books and knowledge lovers of all kind – their lifestyle is something I aspired to – travelling, studying, becoming super-knowlegeable, being highly regarded within the academic world, earning a fuckload of money, being praised by intellectuals, having read tons of books, being part of ‘highly cultured people’, opinionated on social and political areas – to sum up the perfect connoisseur – and so pff they represent that which I wanted to become, they are the role model I wanted to be – the couple in itself is how I had previously dreamed my life to be, being with a like-minded important person from another country and create a cultural fusion and live in eccentric ways – the same I can say from another couple, very similar to this one, both researchers – one mexican and one french woman with a huge house, loads of books, coffee lovers, travelling around, love cactus, antiques, perfect expensive houses with all these cool details, highly regarded institutional researchers that earn a fuckload of money, very similar to the couple I went to visit today –one mexican and one haitian. Okay patterns, fascinating and both couples made such an impact on myself to form and shape my ideals and what I wanted to be.

Okay, so – having placed the background of what they represent for me, it was me going to face the reactions/comments/opinions and whatnot of these people that I had previously regarded as ‘special’ and people I had actually regarded as important in terms of giving feedback to my work or my doings, etc, just because of what they represented within the system – lol highly paid intellectuals with a sybarite type of life – that’s what I wanted to be basically – oh nevermind the ‘praising’ for being a flourishing mind that is able to turn around theories and throw witty-speeches quoting this and that and be invited to intellectual dinners with pasta and wine – lol. That’s what I sort of wanted to be. And so, I was obviously determined to talk with them and explain the points of what I’m doing, what we are doing within Desteni and what I stand for. I knew beforehand that they simply wouldn’t take it as it is and just pat my back, that they would actually question everything and that due to what they’re living off currently – meaning they’re living from being highly paid people by the system within research and so they are ‘on the side’ of the system in a way, I would get objections from their side – and so it was, quite predictable and it turned out to be that way in fact.

I started talking with the man while making coffee, a mix of haitian and cyprus coffee lol while talking about methods of grinding coffee and ‘the best coffee’ available in mexico and how he roasts his own coffee and which methods are the best to brew coffee lolol fascinating – anyways from that type of conversation he proceeded asking me on what is it that I exactly did and it was then a cool moment to explain it – he’s an official scientist and as such would ask conclusive questions, very specific questions that I answered and so I would see his face turning a bit concerned on the point – obviously he said that what I explain sounds like beautiful words and that in theory it seems fantastic, but that he was still seeing a deceptive point that could be ‘very dangerous’ in terms of ending up being a closed group wherein it may end up turning highly individualized – So I explained how the point is to focus on the individual process to then proceed on the social-political context as a collective and as a group, that no master-piece of a plan for a new system would actually work if the individual hasn’t first sort out their own ‘programming’ first.

I have to say I was caring on what he had to say and how he reacted to it, not from the perspective of them being able to influence on what I do, but it was the point of facing my self and the intellectual part/circle of knowledge that base themselves and everything that goes around human civilization based on theories and history and so forth. But all of this didn’t obviously stop me from speaking up, making things clear.

After making coffee and eating dessert and so on, we went to the living room wherein the actual conversation on the specifics of what I’m doing opened-up – I have to say lol these people are picky, they are the intellectual elite so to speak so obviously me facing them, speaking to them and explaining details was like me placing myself in front of what I had perceived as my role models and I was placing myself in front of them ready to be ‘attacked’ or ‘applauded’ in a way – I got both at the same time though I can obviously read from their final perspectives they see it as too much of a dream to come true to actually make some change. They’re quite old and so, they are open people but very close minded to what can actually be done.

I ended up explaining several details on how we will be dedicating ourselves to Education and how each one that is part of the group is willing themselves to continue the same support that’s being given to ourselves unconditionally to start living and applying ourselves in this process. I mean they themselves saw the point – before I mentioned anything political – that for the group to actually be able to make a change we would have to enter politics and recruit people that will be taking high office charges in terms of government and so forth to establish a System that will Equalize all.

The moment I explained that I had been with afrikaaners their expression changed when knowing they were descendents of boers and so forth – because they imagined some type of white supremacy bs lol – anyways once I explained the point of what the group stands for besides any cultural or nationalism bs, the doctor explain how according to what he understood, we were taking the ‘english’ way based on the individual and experiences etc – and how there was the french way of durkheim and the creation of a system that would be implemented to equalize people  – so I explained how the point that we are taking on will eventually be both ‘sides’ as we are currently focusing on the individual so that these individuals can get to a position of power to implement the system to regulate life for the best of humanity. He seemed to get it but they did try to instill some fear in terms of having this uncertainty in the ultimate ‘interest’ of the group or founders of the group. I said many times ‘I have to clear this/that’ because they were mostly making assumptions on points that are quite misleading, the type of ‘thoughtful critique’ that we usually get as a group, so I wouldn’t allow any ‘misunderstanding’ to be taken on,  I made sure I explained everything, quite directly and bluntly to the point of ending up with a sore throat and being unable to speak in high volume voice at the end of the conversation. What I noticed is that my mother has placed a fuckload of value on these people her entire life and regarded them as ‘more than’ obviously because of what they know and who they are and so forth – and thus when the doctor said that there was ‘something’ very ‘dangerous’ about it all, my mother would nod and agree with it and would come up with bs comments like ‘yes, that’s what I’ve told her, how are you planning to change the life of 6 thousand billion people’ and agreeing on thinking that I’m involved in some kind of ‘closed group’ – once again, which part of equality is not understood? lol – Shit now that I see it, it was quite a ‘jury’ there – both my parents, this couple of intellectuals and my uncle that was a medium/channeler white lighter and who supports the ‘evolution of consciousness’ in a spiritual way – pff lol fascinating they all got the point of what we stand for – my uncle see it as part of ‘what’s going to happen’ according to his beliefs and the couple of intellectuals simply said that well, it’s very interesting to talk about it and that it’s good that I’m interested in this. But it’s obvious that I had to shut down their assumptions at times and that I had to take on the point fully of letting go of that desire to still be regarded as someone they ‘appreciate’ or consider as this or that, letting go of the fear of breaking their bubble of ‘marvelousness’ they had created around me – I was ready to bursts bubbles upon what I did and what I saw and what I’m currently doing – I did notice that words weren’t coming up in a preprogrammed way from my side so bringing words ‘here’ was quite something in that moment, but walked through it nonetheless.

So, pff letting go of caring about what these people – or any other ‘highly regarded intellectual’ has to say about what we do is part of letting go of my personality, of what I wanted to be, of that specialness I had created towards others, obvious and complete bullshit as when I mentioned the point of people letting go of greed and ascending ranks and so forth they said nothing at all because they are in quite a wealthy position in this world that enables them to live without a care and several luxuries – they didn’t answer to that. So, personal interest once more revealing itself as the ultimate point wherein beings want to be ‘special’ – common sense prevailed in the end and their reactions attitude seemed to be saying in a secret-mind way and their physical language as gestures and facial expression a way of saying ‘hmm dream on girl’ – lol but I don’t care. I’m glad I have explained points in detail in what we do, how we stand, how we are applying this and so on, so that they don’t create any further or unnecessary bs about them liking me because of being ‘like-minded’ to them. Not anymore, not interested in praising knowledge or a sybarite type of life at this staged world, pretending to care without actually wanting to give up the dreamed life. I am making this decision and I stand, I don’t really give a fuck to any objection coming from a point of wanting to preserve ‘individuality’ and/or ‘specialness’ – so I made this very clear for everyone listening – if people fear and see it as ‘impossible’ – good for them, I am certain of what I’m walking for and as and what we stand for.

So, it was interesting to face this point and to let them be aware that I am not willing to be stopped from this or from their ‘fears’ upon groups and control etc.

Okay going to sleep, one point faced here, cool. If anything else comes up about this, I’ll share. Thanks

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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