A week ago or so I had opened up the point of self definition according to being an ‘artist’ and ‘making art’ definitely not being a priority for myself at the moment and within that, I went through the experience of having had a ‘taste’ of what it is like to be ‘an artist’ and go to another country and do promotion and deal with buyers and that whole circuit and art-market that I was exposed to at a very early stage in my ‘career’. That is the experience that lead me to realize that I certainly didn’t want ‘fame and fortune’ within art and that I was ready to simply let go of that ‘dream’ because it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing in my life, there was something ‘else’ – this experience happened probably a month prior to finding Desteni and it was a definitive experience that marked what I call the ‘downfall’ of myself as the personality and the ‘truth seeker’ I had become.
Well, that experience happened through a man that saw my photoblog and contacted me and we became ‘friends’ inspiring each other in our creations, I learned a lot from him and so it was really cool to meet him as well as his family when being in Colombia in this exhibition – it was due to him that I got to have that experience of being in a collective international exhibition and my first real taste of what it takes to sell works of art and that whole deal. I am explaining this because I had just ‘re-opened’ this point less than a week ago and today I got an email from him explaining to his close friends and web-followers that he’s closing off his blogs and websites and that he’ll no longer be ‘creating’ any photos or writings as his cycle has come to an end and also said it is in accordance to the current situation of the world where other things are required to be done. Fascinating – I decided to write back explaining how my life had given many turns right after I came back from that exhibition in Colombia and how I have also realized that art is not my priority in the current conditions we are living in this world. Quite a co-incidence as he was also pretty much almost like a zen person. we actually created our own ‘theory’ around photography and zen at that time, lol – so, I found this point interesting to share.
Another point of the wonder works of this reality – there’s this girl from school that was living here at first that created a performance wherein she would create an act where she’d be like a s&m woman, allowing herself to be hit and done anything by people in the audience. She explained this to me like three weeks ago and I pointed out how I wouldn’t allow such form of Self Abuse – she explained how she liked the idea and simply was willing to test it, even though she said she was afraid of how people would react when given free-range to do with her whatever they wanted in the context of woman as an object to torture or flagellate- fuck I mean, pff even writing this out is like already ‘extensive’ shit but anyhow. Today she came for few minutes and as I opened the door saw that she had an orthopedic neck so I asked her what had happened – she and her friend had been hit by a car yesterday, less than 24 hours from having being part of that experience of pain through her own acceptance and allowance, she endured pain by being hit by a car now having to go with some vertebraes on top of each other in the neck area – fucked up and as she was explaining the ‘accident’ the words self-abuse came to my mind and later saw how specific if twas, in the first ‘act’ she had allowed herself to be hit and flagellated by people, by her own ‘will’ and enduring pain as scratches and marks on her body – the next day she endures pain through a car running over her which lead her to experience pain she apparently didn’t create herself – I can’t help but seeing a correlation between both acts, immediately having consequences – self abuse is not justified through art, life can’t be abused or justify such abuse when we’re dealing our own integrity as human beings. So, she said we’ll discuss later, I’m interested in seeing if she actually sees a connection between both points or she doesn’t, so I’ll see.
I had a busy day with laundry and cleaning around here which I enjoy, I definitely like changing sheets, washing them, washing clothes, towels, cleaning kitchen, toilette, etc. Takes time and I realize I have to delegate tasks because people here don’t seem to grasp the fact that they have to take responsibility for their own things – I mean fuck, I left on thursday afternoon and some dishes were still unwashed in the sink since thursday!! pff these kids are really careless and so, once again, pointing out the obvious points will be necessary.
I recorded myself while speaking about the point that I faced yesterday, yet the point didn’t come out clear enough or needs to be explored further, I mean yes it was the point of wanting to be an ‘intellectual’ which in fact is people that are covered by the system while creating of them as ‘important people’ within a particular context of academic or scientific societies – yet I don’t see a clear point to share about or ‘relevant’ within my process as such –
So,here I’m writing these events opening up today – then other point emerged with regards to the perfection point and memories of the past and how I lived my first school years being apprehensive and fearful of having to keep up with everyone’s expectations over myself as ‘perfect student’ and having people wanting to ‘beat me’ in terms of grades and so forth, lol I was the perfect system. And well now I am deliberately seeing ‘who am I’ within my self-imposed standards on to myself within school and the ‘good student’ image – cool to challenge it in certain points, that definition has been a ‘great part’ within myself as being supported by family and teachers themselves. Testing every point is important to see who you are in the moment.
Okay this is it. thanks