I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deaden myself and creating a ‘weakened’ experience of myself which creates and manifests as an actual physical experience wherein I believe myself to want to ‘drop everything and die’
-lol these type of thoughts actually crossed and came up as in ‘it would be easier to just stop everything’ though I don’t give following to them, it’s fascinating to see how they come up, and I recognize these thoughts, they were part of some ‘suicidal tendencies’ I use to have mostly when being a teenager.
I forgive myself that I have accepted andd allowed myself to create a certain experience of being ‘fed up’ with the moment and activities to take on within my reality and simply ‘stop’ and stand still.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest an outflow as an energetic experience wherein I give into sleep one more hour just because I ‘allow’ myself to do so – I stop and direct myself, I can’t allow myself to ‘slip in’ as that is not who I am – I stand as self discipline as the ability to directc myself in every moment, I stop thoughts of ‘being’ and defining myself within and as a particular experience and move on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to ‘fall’ into an experience wherein I only want to do the type of work that I like doing – all Desteni related – and not do the tasks that are required for school thus having to rush to get things done in the last moment – I commit myself to direct myself in dividing my time to make sure I get to all points in a cool timeframe so that I don’t have to rush unnecessarily.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this trigger point of ‘desire’ as one of the causes of this deadening-experience within me wherein I defined myself as weak the moment I saw myself desiring to touch another and be with someone again. I simply realize that I have to stop the ‘desire’ as such in the moment, breathe through it and then let go of it –
What I see is that I did stop it in a mind way but the trigger was ‘pulled’ meaning, the experience was already ‘there’/’here’ and so trying to cover it up simply didn’t work and thus probably manifesting in an experience a posteriori which is what I went through probably since saturday.
I had for the first time a ‘difficulty’ in expressing myself in vlogs when recording myself yesterday which is not common and saw that, I tried to make a vlog on how I wanted to be intellectual but somehow it felt hollow and I wasn’t completely satisfied with it, thus didn’t post although it would be cool to share for perspectives and further support on my process, seeing myself possessed because it certainly feels like I lost my ‘grounding’ point – maybe stressing over a little bit upon ‘things to do’ and ‘taking care of everything’ and having a specific idea of what I wanted to share as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so apprehensive!
I see people living in this house, none of them actually takes care of cleaning, it will be consuming if rules aren’t placed – and I have taken the role of being the cleaner of kitchen and toilet and taking garbage out – schedules need to be created, I can’t simply allow them to not take responsibility for the point of living together – and I am doing that, I am doing it all for them. So, what is it that I am procrastinating about? Not trusting them to do the cleaning as I would, thus thinking ‘I rather do it myself’ – that is an assumption and going into future projection assuming that due to how they don’t care about cleaning, they won’t do it properly. Thinking that they won’t actually do things when their turn comes – I asked them to take the garbage out these days that I went to my parents house and they didn’t, so that is assuming that they won’t actually do it.
The moment I direct them to do stuff they should’ve done they obviously don’t like it and probably consider me as bossy or ‘picky’ already, I really don’t care about what they can say or think about me, but I cannot fathom how they actually don’t care about following basic points like ‘doing your dishes’ after using them and leaving them in the sink for over 4 days (!!!) why are people so fucking careless?
I saw Katie’s vlog on how she’s living with people walking process, I mean yes living at the farm and having all these principles is the best thing – even there we all know that we had to get all these ‘death threats’ on paper to actually take care of things and so forth – lol, it really takes a Principle to re-educate. People here when I point out things take it lightly, like the other day one of the girls left the main door open, wtf it was already at night and she was alone, this isn’t precisely wonderland neighborhood and then i assumed she was high and that’s why she didn’t see – and fucking dislike when she only says ‘I’m sorry’ – lol I mean why do people say ‘I’m sorry’ instead of saying: I will make sure I close it from now on and actually correct the point. Or when they leave their food to rot in the fridge or when they bring several people over to the house at night and drink and play music after hours – pff seriously, alcohol should be fucking banned from existence. All people do and wait for is to go and drink beer, that’s what these kids living here do, they drink quite often, it’s all they do and then they simply talk upon drinking a lot and going out and waiting for the next fried-day to drink more. WTF.
I just had a chat with the girl that had the accident, the performance girl and I saw the bruises from her act are just ubelievable, fuck I can’t really fathom, really, can’t fathom how people can actually dare to stand from their seats and go on to the stage to hit the girl, and I can’t believe there’s actually people that are doing it for the sake of making ‘art’ or translating an abuse in relationships into an actual physical self-abuse point. The “cool” thing is that the whole accident point made her see and realize the abuse she had endured within her life, the abuse she provoked on to herself with the performance – as she says she won’t ever do it again – and the accident as something that just ‘happened’. She told me how the night after the performance and before the accident, she had a dream about being ran over by a car and hospitals and these type of ‘nightmare’ that later on became real life – so she had quite a shock experience in that moment. Pff not cool at all but: she did it to herself and that is something that can’t be reversed but only walked through – but I can’t really fathom people doing that for the sake of their own ‘desire’ to do so, self abuse at this level yet her abuse is Self-Abuse, existent in all in various different ways and we’re allowing it so. She was reflecting upon how no one in the audience stood up to say: ‘Stop, don’t hit her anymore, it’s too much already’ – everyone allowed it and justified it as an actual ‘act’ as if it wasn’t real or wtf I can’t really fathom that, I get con-fused because it’s seen through a fucking veil of it being ‘art’ and people actually allowing this bullshit because of seeing through the frame of ‘it’s art’ and so ‘it’s ok’ – wtf!! people, wake up! As she was explaining her pain its as if I could feel that pain and headache emerged, and seeing her bruises, man! my chest aches just from seeing someone that has provoked that self abuse on to themselves – and being livign with people that do this onto them, pff – the others are also self abusive like one of the guys said to me ‘i won’t drink again, it’s bad for my stomach now’ – yet obviously, he still drinks – and the other two guys well they’re into weed and alcohol and partying and abusive relationships so… pff fucked up! I’m seeing direct near-examples of what is going on with people around my age and what they are doing and none of the people I have contacted since I arrived is actually ‘clear’ –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘sucked into’ the experiences that people are going through around here and allow myself to feel ‘defeated’ as seeing it is just too fucking much to deal with if we want to re-educate and create an actual change in this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowe myself to be influenced by what I see in my surroundings and every day life wherein all I see is helpless people – I stop the self-judgment as that is coming from ‘myself’ and creating an actual experience of feeling ‘deadened’ whenever I project my thoughts upon people feeling ‘helpless’ and ‘hopeless’ and ‘lost’ and simply ‘droning’ around.
So as you can see this goes hand in hand with the apathy I had written about, and see how that is linked to my own self-create deadened-experience and this general ‘uneasiness’ within myself which is causing physical instability.
I definitely breathe, breathe, breathe and continue walking I mean i don’t allow myself to be complete sucked in but the points still ‘hit’ me in a way like just seeing this girl all bruised fuck, I mean what can be going inside this person’s mind to do that and still be able to laugh about it and then live wit people like that and them seeing it as ‘normal’ and me then feeling awkward for saying to her that I cannot fathom what goes inside the mind of the person that decides to take a whip with nails and hit a person – and let’s not even talk about what goes around the mind of this girl that placed herself in such a prepared position of allowing herself to be sodomized by strangers as a performance. Fuck!
Okay, I have to stop the reactions we’re overly fucked up as human beings, where is Life? where is the value of ourselves as Life? nowhere to be found and considered within people that allow themselves to be deliberately abused, it is Obvious how the abuse knocked at her door in quite a harmful way such as an ‘accident’ – how low do we have to go? how can someone allow themselves tob e abused when there is actual abuse going on in this world? How do i stand with this girl? I do not accept and allow it and I said so while talking to her but they both looked down as if I was being overtly-moral about it, hello!? where is your common sense?
It’s clear to me that each person has to see for themselves and that I can barely do anything about it, I simply said how she experienced three points of abuse – the abuse she realizes she’s been living as herself in her every day life and in personal relationships, then the apparent ‘catharsis’ which came through deliberately placing herself in that position of being hit and sodomized by strangers as part of a performance and then the actual harm caused ‘unadvertedly’ by being hit by a van – She also saw the point herself of how these three points are linked, and the pain and experience has actually lead her to understand this, so I simply said ‘It’s cool that you’ve actually seen how the abuse is created’ – and that’s it, still she takes it lightly as if she was sharing upon eating icecream and finding out it wasn’t the one she wanted in the beginning -something like that.
Anyways, this all had to be placed OUT of myself because I can’t keep this type of shit inside myself and to realize that we exist in constant and continuous self abuse and only making it visible through points like this is what caused a reaction within me – besides all of this and living in an environment and in a world that is based on self abuse, I realize that i have to stop from allowing self abuse within myself – thinking is self abuse, judging is self abuse, self-harm is obvious self abuse and thus I can simply say I do not accept and allow these type of behaviour yet I’m not an authority over these people to make them stop doing what they’re donig, so – I stop the reaction within myself towards what others place themselves into, harming themselves and being careless about everything else.
Okay, any feedback – welcome.