The remnants of past-tenses

The point that was opened up with yesterday’s entry was on art and I got quite a cool response from Jeanne on using art as a catalyst to actually stand up – what I am ‘seeing’ now is remembering my resonance chat wherein it was explained how actually the detailed application I had placed in art would be cool support to expand that as my overall application – thus I see and recognize how I was still creating separation, creating of school/art as a separate application of self, so I realize I have to re-integrate it as myself and actually push this point into being completely the agent of change I want to be and this is what I’ll be working on in my thesis, I want to lay out all that I see and realize as my project  – cool thing about doing a thesis in arts is that it is more difficult for people to refute your ‘opinions’ because art is about breaking boundaries, breaking paradigms, turning the tables as long as one is well-versed on having facts about what has happened before and thus, being able to make an actual coherent writing upon what’s been, what I do and what I am looking at in terms of artists having a specific way of existing in a society that leads to being people that are involved in social reforms and changes. 
If we even look at Desteni and the group, a LOT of us were involved in some type of artistic expression which I’ve found fascinating as it is already a constant to consider within people – not to mention the ‘misfitting’ pointer that is also a constant in our programming – lol – anyways, I have to definitely take this on as myself and take it as self support, not to make it another ‘requisite’ I have to fulfill but to actually realize that I have the opportunity to do this using the premise that people are actually quite open in terms of thesis from art students. Hereby I declare stopping the separation I had built around the whole point, seeing it as simply another ‘task’ instead of placing myself as that point and use it as Self Support definitely, what’s best for all to the ultimate degree I am able to do so, and most importantly having fun within it. 
My mother contacted me, she wanted to chat but I mean, there was ‘nothing’ to chat about I really don’t communicate much with them, not when I was there this weekend wherein I simply explained to my mother how I’ve been busy and taking other responsibilities and that’s it – I’ve never really had that ‘great’ communication with my mother, never trusted her to tell her about my personal life because she would mostly criticize people I hanged out with and being very controlling and authoritarian, overly protecting myself which obviously lead me to rebelling against that and becoming what I became – that has been thoroughly explained in entries from 2 years ago, so it’s a ‘done’ point but it’s fascinating how this point operated. A colleague at the workshop said ‘I remember you going to your homecity every thursday running after coming here to the workshop, and now you go once a month? what happened, don’t you love your parents anymore? – I simply laughed because I have never considered myself to love my parents, I made myself ‘believe’ i did love them because of the bullshit that we got implanted early on in school like doing bs mother’s day cheesy messages of ‘I love you mom’ that seemed so fake every time I could see it wasn’t something I truly experienced, yet I was forced to to this – same with my father, same with my sisters – and within our family we used to write letters every birthday, ‘reminding’ ourselves of ‘how special we are’ and ‘wishing best for each one’ and stuff like that – that also seemed very fake to me to the point that I would simply just draw a cake counting every single candle that represented their age – lol that became my trademark and would make sure I wrote ‘Happy birthday #…” haha as I knew that reminding someone of their exact age was something they didn’t want to face, as if age was something they had to hide form and so forth. 
Anyways, yes so after this colleague worded that point out of me not going there anymore I realized I didn’t remember anymore when I used to go home and in fact, I would spend there four days every single week – it’s completely draning to go back and forth every week! and thus after that I wondered ‘what’ was exactly driving me to go back and forth each week for three years. Answer: ta ta ra rá! Relationships! that was it, and getting my stash and my energy kicks of course – that’s why I never actually ‘built’ a life here in mexico city because I held on to the life I had back there and so that’s what kept me going for that time until I was completely alone again and i simply would then go back each week to buy stuff and walk downtown and have nice meals in restaurants and having my parents give me nice food and stuff – last time I tried to re-live this I simply couldn’t repeat the experience, or saw how I created the experience which wasn’t there anymore, thus saw no point in going that often – besides every time traffic jams are more extensive and chaotic. So, I saw then once again how this one particular man in my life – even if I didn’t get to ‘see’ him or talk to him, just by knowing he was around it was cool enough in  a way, to hear him playing his guitar and just ‘there’, I didn’t allow myself to admit this before until it became quite clear last week I was in my home city and I didn’t hear him at all, realized I was still seeking to ‘hear him’ as that point that my mind as the remnants of the past long for. 

I had a dream about that person about a night ago. It seems that I’ve faced most of people from my past but that person. The one that represents everything I was as the idea of myself. This guy was simply ‘there’ in the picture of my dream yet we didn’t speak at all, I am now remembering I was very curious to talk to him but didn’t do it, at all –  he wouldn’t speak either, he seemed rather ‘dead’ like an ornament to the scene I was in,  just quiet and sort of ‘gone’ – like a huge ‘silence’ yet the fact that I created him in my mind is still pointing out an ‘unresolved’ point somehow around it. I have to say it’s been fascinating to disengage from that particular person, probably the person that has done the most ‘impression’ on myself and is the point that actually holds the whole idea of self – so it’s actually cool ‘dead’ came out as a word I test through when looking at the point, lol quite obvious – I see that he represents that last hold of myself as my personality, as the image built upon deception, giving that point up is definitely giving up myself as that idea of self and thus eventually letting go completely. 

It’s been fascinating because as I stated so many times throughout my process, that person has been the point, ‘the’ point to give up within my process and after more than 2 years there are still remnants of the point, peeling the layers and experiencing the whole withdrawal from it has been quite fascinating from the perspective that after all I’ve written out, after all I’ve forgiven myself, it is simply a consistent application in letting go, letting go, letting go that actually makes the previous opening up of points be effective – So, cool to see this and how it works, fascinating because walking this process in itself is something that not so many people are walking in this world and just by seeing and reflecting upon walking a single point one can see how intricate and ingrained one single person in your world can be, and how the layers exist after peeling and peeling – yet the application remains the same, simply letting go and not feeding it anymore – the ‘dead’ point makes sense if I am seeing it this way, that idea of him within my life and myself around that point is dying, falling apart and only these visual points remain which are obviously not real in any context  so -cool to  see this. 
Okay, just shared this as a pointer on what I deemed as ‘old points’ that I had already written about extensively here in my blog and how they are able to come back when activated by thought, word or deed and how I face it – it’s already self forgiven thus i simply let go, let go, let go. 
Thanks

Advertisements

About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

Share your Realizations

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: