Well today certainly was a ‘one of a kind’ day where even when preparing my food and adding some oregano to it, lol I remembered when cooking hot cakes with weed for me and my back-then bf and shit like that.
So, the point of ‘thinking about it’ I can simply relate to how the mind works, as it was explained somewhere a while back, once you go stopping the mind will tend to bring up any and all forms of getting you ‘back in’ and thus that is the actual ‘test’ that we go through layer by layer wherein each layer points ‘intensify’ so to speak – I see this as a resonant thought as that which I accepted and allowed myself to become, a pattern or memory just popping up wherein me giving head to it means that I allowed myself to wander about it yet! It doesn’t matter what type of fantabulous experiences as memories come up in my mind, I simply can’t see myself smoking again, like actually placing myself to smoke again by my own decision – Nope, not at all.
See, that decision-making I took was absolute, is absolute and was directly linked to me committing myself to this process which implied stopping weed and stopping the relationship with ‘that person in my world’ that was everything and all for me at that stage – So, I got out of that weed and fake love stage and got myself into walking process and made it public by doing my first vlog – that was my stance, that is my stance and the reason why i am explaining this is because I saw that within making it ‘public’ and exposing myself within this, I committed myself as myself to do this – It also became and was an open commitment to those standing within Desteni, a point of standing along with those that had decided to stop back then while we were chatting about it back then, a point of equality. I can see how the mere fact of also others being part of my process and myself seeing people stand, I see that all I can do is remain constant and consistent and congruent with the decision I took – when I say ‘no more’ it is a definitive and finite ‘no more’.
For example, with alcohol I didn’t have such a ‘definitive commitment’ to stop – and thus after having decided to stop drinking (lol ‘drainking’) I did drank some after I had stopped for a year and the last time I drank a bit was after leaving SA and going to germany and literally indulging myself to drink a cup of wine at the wedding – thus I saw myself ‘fall’ in my commitment and once I spoke about it, I remember writing to jorn and saying that and him pointing out how I had ‘fallen’ in that single point, I realized how I had ‘failed’ to myself and my commitment to don’t drink a sip of alcohol at all – yet I simply stopped feeling ‘guilty’ and said No More – and from that moment I am definitely definitely making sure I don’t drink or smoke weed or anything at all.
Now, ‘temptations’ arise yes though as mere images, as it being ‘here’ in a way – I mean imagine, I’m in art school a high percentage of people are highly high around me, it’s like an every day activity – I know because I’ve been there, done that yet, the simple fact that I see people never questioning this that they do themselves, pushes me even further to remain constant within my decision, it is a constant re-affirmation of me Not giving-into what others are doing at all and how they are doing and seeing them reminds me of who I was 4 years ago so, it’s a definitive No-no. BUt there’s more substance to this than being ‘tempted’ and me simply saying ‘no no’. I’ll explain further.
So with all of these points, the ‘test’ is a constant – the fact that weed comes ‘around my head’ is just like anything else that comes around my head, the same with ex-partners, the same with old friends, old ways of how I used to be, what I used to like and participate in – that shit comes out quite often, but as they come, I let them go and simply pass me by.
This point I understood when Bernard explained it wherein one will still have the thoughts coming up, constantly, frequently, even more so when stopping participation in them as it is the mind’s ‘survival mode’ so to speak – so, it is at this point that we have to simply walk, walk, walk through the trigger points, the ‘temptations’ and all these type of situations that are our own remnants of the mind that grabs memories and experiences to throw at you to ‘test’ who you are in that moment – that’s why ‘giving-in’ to a point is simply a confirmation that Self Direction is Not yet ‘HERE’ as Self, but one still gets pulled-by that residue of experience and memory that seeks energy and your obvious attention and further action to reclaim it’s ‘place’ in control of you and your doings.
Thus, all I can say really is Self Will – that’s the difference made between having the wildest dreams and fantasies within an all day of constant bombing about ‘weed’ – as example – and simply saying ‘No’ to them all and burst all bubbles with breath here and saying ‘No’ out loud I found efficient as well.
So, as a general suggestion whenever we step into a point and ‘fall back’ again, I could simply say forgiving yourself for having slipped in those points of going back and forth stopping it and simple actually Stop, for real, take it as one final statement for yourself within this process –
I can see how I have equalized my starting point within this process of Self Honesty to that of stopping weed so to me ‘smoking weed again’ from the starting point of wanting to ‘get back to it’ would be equated to me ‘giving up process’ so I see that as quite an impossible point for me to even fathom at this stage! lol – So once I equalized these two points, I can see how it is easy for me to stick to my statement, my decision and that’s it. No matter if someone lights up a joint next to me in a concert lolol – that has actually happened like literally next to my ear – lol and having the smell around me, temptation comes obviously in one split moment though I simply don’t give further head to it and let it go!
So that’s my sharing on this point after today, suggestion is very simple: stick to principle, stick to your decisions, live by principle, live by the decisions you’ve made as what’s best for all – don’t fool around because in the end we only do it to ourselves and how can self trust be created whenever we see ourselves falling by our own lack of self will?
I’ve seen myself at some points how I tend to ‘lose’ or more like waver within my self trust just by ‘falling’ into a point such as for example alcohol – I still have to not be so hard on myself for seeing it as such a ‘bad thing’ – I mean I simply have to let go and make sure I stand by my word from now on and don’t fool myself ever again and that’s it.
So, it’s not like the thoughts will ‘stop’, they will keep coming even more so when one goes stopping, so it’s all about remaining here, not participating and letting go of wanting to ‘give into’ something.
Okay blank at the moment, guess that’s all for sharing today thanks