I don’t know if it was hormonal changes but I was simply going on a ‘ride’ today – I was almost falling asleep at the first class wherein 30+ people sat in and everyone wanted the windows closed because it was ‘cold’ (bah around 17 degrees) but anyways, I opened up just a bit and oxygenated myself to wake up, I considered how we all breathe the same air, inadvertently most of the times in-out in out
I just watched a video taken from someone going to Arcade Fire’s concert here in Mexico City yesterday night pff the moment I heard one of my ‘favorite songs’ I sense that goosebump experience around my knees so I just breath and stop it because it’s not really ‘feeling’ but a simple activation of some memory and experience related and created as that song – this has happened before many times and before I would link it to being ‘sensitive’ and ’emotional’ and you know all of that. Seeing back I can’t believe how much I used to define myself according to ‘my emotions’ and ‘feelings’ and how I would use that as a point of wanting to be ‘special’ really, as If I was the only one that ‘understood’ or ‘felt for real’ and shit like that. Lol, so glad those days are over and it’s interesting because, you know, being at art school is like facing similar designs and programs all time, so I look at everything now from the observer perspective yet participating within to bring up some simplicity and cut the bs when necessary.
So, as I’ve been written here in seeing school and my class specifically as ‘dull’ – which is certainly a self-projected judgment of my personal experience within it – I had the opportunity to direct an activity today in one class to ‘reinforce knowledge’ that we explained last class lol – so I made some easy quizz which none in the class got 100% correct – an then we made some stick art wherein everyone drew something and I made sure that everyone felt ‘part of doing something’ actually as a group – lol it was fascinating because I went making up the ‘rules’ of the activities in the moment, as I was drawing I would simply say out loud: oh okay so, when we’re all done, we are all going to show our work at the front of the classroom – then once we were done i just came up with ‘Okay so, now the idea is to stick all of them somewhere in school, maybe the classroom!’ lol and the teacher agreed and he’s quite funny, he’s always making remarks on my expression so he just said: “yes as marlen says and decides” lol – he’s funny, he learned my name like the first day of classes and ever since then he makes fun of me, he stares a bit flabbergasted at my shaved head and today he said: are you going to spend the december holidays without hair, marlen? how are you going to get by? And I just laughed – I was laughing around openly going from here to there with my classmates and looking at their drawings and getting on the tables to stick our stickers on the top of the wall above the whiteboard and in the projector lol, it was fun and at the end lolol the teacher said: please give Marlen an applause for having such a great idea for the activity today” and I was like lol! but it was all the team! not just me! and he said: well yeah, them as well” lol well writing it can’t describe his gestures and so forth but anyways, we had a cool time and he also did his own stick art so it was a cool opportunity for everyone to interact a bit more and not having just another dull moment at school.
People seemed ‘awake’ ! lol one of the classmates made a sign you know like those ‘do not smoke’ graphic signs or ‘do not eat’ graphic signs, he drew a man with the noose around his neck and then the red circle with a diagonal line as a graphic way of saying ‘do not commit suicide/hang yourself) lol and stuck it on the wall next to those signs – quite cool to see everyone’s expression in teh same shape of papers. So, I enjoyed the moment of talking and sharing and laughing, laughed a lot for no ‘reason’ just because of having the ‘power’ I guess, the ability to direct an activity for the group, like an actual chance of doing something different and that would engage the group in an active way – lol maybe I got this from my mother, she’s quite the party planner, organizer, cheery type of person until she makes the stiffest person laugh or dance or participate in something – so I got this out for practical application and discovered how I enjoyed that, without expectation or extensive planning – lol or no planning at all.
I see myself ‘reacting’ to these points of… recognition in a way. Like on wednesday my classmates at the lithography workshop would go to greet me even though I was alone at the back working in a very focused way on the drawing. One of them got to say hi and people are very used to giving kisses and I have detached a bit from that yet people do it so I saw myself reacting a bit to people saying hi this way and one even said but get closer so I can kiss you – lol because I simply didn’t want to say hi with kiss on the cheek – odd latin american tradition – but the point is that when this guy approached me to say hi, I said ‘oh do you want your toner or…? and he just said “no, I just come by to say hi’ and so I was like ‘oh’ – because in that moment I thought ‘Oh he must come here because he needs something of me’ – and not just because he wanted to say hi and see how I was doing/going – so there I pulled out the memory-me not being ‘here’ but accepting and allowing myself to exist as the memory when people would approach me in junior and high school to simply get the homework or get something from me – because I was the ‘responsible one’ and so forth – and so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people approaching me for the sake of saying hi and me reacting in a non-here mode due to existing as memories of people only approaching me because they want ‘something’ of me, they want to get something from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a paranoid android that lives as memories of the past, thinking – thinking! – that anyone that approaches me is seeking something out of me deliberately – thus existing as a constant projection of what I accepted and allowed myself to become in the past
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having existed as that constant judgment of ‘people only approach me whenever they need something of me/ from me’
On the point of doing this particular lithograph, I slowed myself down – I took the ‘challenge’ of my teacher that suggested I did something ‘different’ from what I am used to doing so, I simply adapted one of my drawings to a more ‘realistic’ manner, yet still a bit ‘fantastic’ manner and I have enjoyed the process of slowing down and going into actual detail of how the image is created with one single wax pencil – quite cool and fascinating so that’s been enjoyable.
Now today I had a direct experience of the judgment that I wrote about people and their slovenliness here in the house – one of the girls left milk in a pot, with a lid on, boiling – pff when I got out of my room and went into the kitchen saw that thing starting to burn/burning and her door was completely closed upstairs – so I simply yelled at her and she came down in a ‘worried manner’ but I saw myself getting pissed off, i was going out of the house anyways but I simply had to apply self forgiveness outloud when going out of the house because, I mean okay I said: I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire telling this girl: how fucking stupid do you have to be to do that? and so later on saw thoughts, really nasty thoughts of wanting to yell at her and telling her how stupid she was and how she lacked basic knowledge of boling stuff (as she’s already burnt fucking oil leaving the whole kitcken with greasy nasty steam all around) and how she is just bluntly careless and sloppy and not giving a fuck about things – that came through my mind which indicates I was simply allowing myself to be carried over by the event but really wanting to say: wake the fuck up! don’t be stupid! then there’s the boyfriend of the girl whom I have seriously tried to stop the reaction to him – not completely, I try but notice the absolute tenseness that comes within when this dude is around, and he comes around saying ‘ay marlen!’ in a mockery way as if I had been the one that burnt the milk – So, I simply told her to clean the stove and plates because it was all a mess – she eventually did – but pff what comes within me is a sense of frustration or anger or desperation of seeing these people and how they act, like absolutely not HERE in the physical reality, leaving things half way around everywhere and acting almost in fear of themselves in doubt – and repeating the same mistakes, so this wasn’t the first time she left something boiling up in the kitchen, she’s left the front door open, she leaves rotten food in the fridge, I’ve already sort of yelled at her one day making it clear that I cannot live with someone that leaves a mess around everywhere,and that I am going to speak directly because I do not fuck around – yet she keeps messing up and simply says ‘I’m sorry’. So, what to do now? First calm myself down, not allowing anger to override the moment there – it is clearly a pattern from my father that would be lit up, extensively lit up just by us dropping some water when pouring it from the jar on the table, or when dropping something or breaking something pff it would really piss him up – and I remember how I probably acted like her, saying ‘I’m sorry’ and just acting in a sloppy way trying to ‘fix it’ by grabbing napkins and cleaning – not a spec could be dropped lol and whenever it did happen, I would make sure he didn’t notice. So I see how this girl sort of might experience the same, reacting a bit in fear or nervousness when realizing ‘Oh I fucked up again’ – what to do in these cases? at this moment I have no clue – I can’t be sure if ‘learning from fucked-up past points’ can apply here –
Okay how to establish myself here: all these points I get overtly irritated by are reversible, what actually pissed me off is the fact that people have no point of ‘care’ on themselves and what they do and surroundings, so that simply allows me to exist in complete distrust of the person for all matters — that is how it operates and thus, in a way it is still me not standing equal to the person because the person has proven themselves to not be effective in the most practical living events. Thus, I disregard them and constantly expect them to make mistakes, how fucked up!
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the continued expectation of people making mistakes, of people simply going to fuck things up next, of people not doing ‘all they have to do’ because of being lazy, careless and sloppy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts of wanting to yell at the girl and literally tell her how stupid she is for doing what she does
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow such point of self abuse as yelling at someone and imposing a sense of righteousness towards someone due to having the ‘right’ to wrong someone –
The moment that I was having those thoughts, I saw within myself an ‘assessment’ of her being self-abusing herself thus inciting me to want to abuse her in the way of yelling at her and just denigrating her in a way – I mean these are really nasty thoughts, and I wanna bring up the fact that I once dreamed – after the burning oil point happened – how I had dreamed of her pouring the boiling oil on my hoodie on my back – obviously can’t remember what happened next but that point simply is just evil from my creation.
So, what does she represent? She represents the fragility, stupidity, carelessness, sloveliness, being fearful and fearing another for their reactions on me making mistakes thus enslaving myself to make mistakes eventually and fearing other’s reactions such as my father becoming angry at me for dropping or spilling something in his presence. This type of reaction I noticed in my back then friend/roommate, who’d become rather nervous and stammer a bit when trying to defend her point until it was inevitable that she had to accept the point – and she did point out things back at me which I had to recognize I was being over-exaggerated on it – she used to complain how I placed rules over ‘friendship’ in points of conflict which would make me doubt because she seemed ‘hurt’ as if I had hurt her feelings or something -thus after that nothing was ever the same, that was the breaking point, the final conflict after which she decided to start looking to live somewhere else – which was the time when I ended up living alone and enjoying the moment of having my crystal, immaculate apartment for myself. Here I realize that cannot exist, nor do I want it like that anymore – yet common sensical points have to simply be understood!
Man, well I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as those hatred points towards someone, of verbal abuse towards someone, as thought abuse towards someone without realizing that is me reacting according to the information I carry around as’myself’ which is nothing but copied experiences and patterns from my parents.
So, this is it, I had to let this out of myself, I saw it as a ‘heavy point’ and writing it out certainly helps, also just breathing, self forgiveness out loud in the moment, and walking through it, not giving more head to those thoughts!
I got to know the evil in me, that I am capable of giving voice to if I had allowed myself to be carried over the point. Not cool, time to stop
thanks – this is me pouring myself out unconditionally.