Appetite for Self Destruction anyone?


I’ll start from now and then go a bit backwards on yesterday and so forth.. 
I just had a ‘chat’ with my mother which is the type of communication we ‘have’ while I’m here apart from them. It usually goes like her asking me to come online as she’s online and then we go into msn and she just asks the usual like how’s school, how have you been eating, everything alright? how’s your ‘online courses’ (which is SRA) and how’s everyone in your house? and that type of questions that I reply to as “fine”, “alright”, “everything’s okay”,” they are fine” yes, cool – and she comes up with ‘latest news’ about what occupies her world which is my sister being pregnant and so forth, and telling me about my cousins that are travelling and going abroad for studies and that’s it – she asks ‘what are you doing’? I say, the usual, internet, lots of things – I mean, there’s no actual communication obviously, there’s never been and why it is so is because the point of manipulation comes through when I share I might go next weekend there and then she tries and ‘suggest’ that I go at the end of the month to have more days there and then I say I’ll have a concert and can’t go back and forth there and she insists on me being able to go back and forth and then I simply say: Stop manipulating me trying to convince me into going whenever you want to – and then she responds as if being ‘offended’ like “I’m not manipulating, I am just saying because you say you want to stay longer and not make fast trips” – which I obviously never said in this conversation at all or in the last months at all so, I pointed out she was assuming, then she replied ‘okay, whatever whenever you want to come is fine’ – then out of nowhere she points out how during the Days of the Death – or ‘Día de Muertos’ here, because I live relatively close to a big cemetery and a rather traditional-mexican area, she pointed out how there will be a lot of people around – and I simply replied: So what? lol that doesn’t matter” and because I saw no point in continuing the conversation I said I would leave and do my things – and said goodbye – she didn’t reply at all so, pff well. 
I stopped communicating my stuff with my mother at quite an early age, right after I started having friends and then having other relationships that she ‘prohibited’ for me and became completely possessed about her not wanting me to be friends or girlfriend of certain people in my world – all which I obviously didn’t care of and did it as a way of ‘rebelling’ against her authority- now let’s explore this word in relation to ‘Mother’ – 
Parents feel as if they have ‘power’ over their ‘work of art’ which is them being the ‘authors’ of their spawn which is the children and thus by that single fact of giving birth to a specific being, they feel they ‘own’ them and have some ‘power’ over them and so forth – we all know that, and my ‘mother’ is apparently going to self-support courses wherein she’s dealing with her being ‘manipulative’ and a ‘controller’ though, in a less than 20 minute conversation she still pulls that skin through and thus, fucked-up because for her to change it will really take her letting go of the ‘bond’ she’s created with her daughters. For her there’s nothing ‘better’ than having all her little chicks underneath her wing and seeing everyone happily eating her food gathering with her two happily married daughters, one in the womb baby and me just ‘being there’ because we don’t really communicate.
Now, as I ended off this discussion with her and went to the kitchen to do some dishes I thought the point of how she tries to ‘keep control’ of myself in a certain way, she knows she can’t impose her on to me though the next point that comes through within my mind of why I still depend of them is obviously: money – that’s all and I have certainly asked myself the question: If I was completely self sufficient, would I still care about ‘passing the report on myself’ to my parents? No, certainly not, I don’t really ‘care’ more about them than anyone else, but I certainly at the moment have more to talk with and share with people that are walking and standing with myself Equal and ONe within this process than with my ‘family’ who are in a very nicely built bubble of happily married-ever after stories of working and succeeding and everyone having their own little occupations in this world – just like we all do – though they have chosen not to hear about reality in this world – which is the point that differs from me and them. 
On ‘bringing children’ to this world, I had a thought projection while being in this low-cost supermarket where I go and buy some groceries because it’s relatively cheaper than the regular corner-shops. It is a tiny store wherein we have to go allowing people go past you because of the narrow isles and stands of products – so I was by the toilet paper areas and saw only these huge packages of them. A mother and her around 8 year old girl – who stared at me for a moment scanning myself from head to toe – turned her head back to facing the mountains of huge toilet paper packages while her mother glanced at the prices and various brands with a rather concerned face – In my head I thought all of this, wow  – Because of the ‘concern’ that I perceived on the woman having to buy lots of toilet paper due to probably having a family, I thought how she was probably regretting having children in that moment and that she never considered what it actually entailed maintaining and giving sustenance to a whole family  and didn’t think of it when deciding to have a child and bring children into this world – that simple points like having to provide for other human beings when not being in the best economical position are often overlooked by the ‘caramel’ and glossyness that’s induced to the ‘having babies’ point within human beings, often overlooking the fact that you will have to provide for that child until they can provide for themselves – thus it is really fucked up how we enslave each other by the money point – this would totally and completely change within an Equal Money System wherein ‘relationships’ or these type of human interactions won’t be based upon one depending on the other – by each human being being supported by one another through an indirect way as the Equal Money System given Equal Money from birth to death, we ensure that no one is able to have ‘power’ over another, no one is the ‘author’ of anyone and thus we simply treat each others as Equals in all ways. 
If you decide to have children then it won’t be based upon the ‘rosey’ idea of having a child that you can own, or someone you can shape and mold according to that which you want them to be, or being able to blackmail them and force them to ‘love you’ through the point of depending on to parents in a financial way – Then the whole idea of ‘family’ would become simply a support platform from where parents simply support another being that is Equal to them – not lower, not higher – just there in Equality – by showing and sharing with them how to Live as the Principle of Equality and how to always consider everyone else within this world, how to Act, Live and Think as what’s best for all in all ways – thus being a Living Example for this new being in every moment and in that way, we can actually support and enhance the change on Earth, by giving birth to Actual Life – not systems that depend upon systems of disparity tricked by fake sentimental bs of family values and specialness as the imprints society teach now on ‘having to love your parents’ – I can only recall doing this when I was very very small girl – later on I had to fake it till I ‘made it’ but knew I was fooling myself all the way, deliberately – I could pin point the exact discomfort when having to write these idiotic mother’s day messages in for english class saying ‘Dear Mommy I love you, you’re the one and only one’ lolol – such bullshit – anyways, I clearly remember a picture of me and my mother on mother’s day, I was about 9 years old, faking a smile for the camera pretending I care about the whole thing. Bah! In an Equality as Life Reformation System, Way-of-Living (see it is not ‘Lifestyle’) we will make LIFE’s day everyday, thus honoring each other as ONE not by sentimental commercially-valuable kitsch days wherein people give flowers or chocolates or buy stupid shit to ‘demonstrate love’ which is when you get all these offers to give electrical appliances to mothers and suits and razor machines to fathers. Lol . 
Anyways – what I want to say is that when speaking like that as direct as I am towards my mother or anyone else I see the point of ‘caring’ to ‘not hurt them’ comes through, but it’s quite easy to stop the deception because I see where it comes from and thus, it’s my own self honest point to stand through it, and! what’s fascinating is that because in such cases she – most of the times – sees the point, she can’t deny or complain further, thus I mean, I keep it simple when communicating with them, almost in a clinical way because whenever I tried to share more about process and what I was learning and so forth, they didn’t really show interest so or shut me down completely so, ever since then I simply walk my process and share with those who actually care which is everyone at Desteni and the world that wants to hear what we have to say in Equality  – not in prefab ideas of ‘who I am’ within a finite role in a family-structure. 
Okay, another point on communicating with beings. And for this I just yawned and certain parts of my body just twitched, lol fascinating
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I need a break before going into writing about the next point
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse myself with ‘tiredness’ or ‘lazyness’ to not continue writing due to the point in itself. 
Okay, I got a message from one of my ‘old’ friends, a very short one basically describing the exact same patterns and consequences that he’d had before when giving head to other points in his life – basically dreaming too high with love and building castles in the wind –  and thus neglecting his reality here. One of the events can be summed up as: he got fired, he got to drink because of getting fired, he damaged his glasses without them having an ability to be repaired. Found it fascinating because it’s an exact timeloop he’s facing from like two years ago around the end of 2008 wherein I was saving money to go to SA and he asked me for a rather considerable amount of money to buy himself a pair of glasses that he had lost while being drunk and leaving them to a ‘friend’ to take care of them – I gave him the money, he spent the money in fuckknows what but the glasses. Then later on he did get himself some glasses up to now where he damaged his glasses again due to drinking – and he never paid me back that money which is something I realized the moment he wrote ‘glasses’ again.
 Anyways, this isn’t about him not paying me back ‘yet’ – but about him relapsing or ‘falling back’ into a point that he’d seen himself had to be stopped because it had brought many problems in his past – so, I wrote to him a very very direct email, I equalized ‘him’ to any other person I could encounter in facebook or youtube or anyone else just pointing out the fact that he had timelooped and how he had to take self responsibility and that all i can suggest after all these years of having ‘lectured’ him on Self Forgiveness and Desteni – and to actually consider that when he’d made a “commitment” to stop, that falling back into it then has proper consequences and that it was the ‘law of stupidity’ the one that he was facing with regards to having to go through the exact same point once more until he’ll probably get so sick and tired of it that he’ll make a definitive stand or sink forevermore. I basically placed it as blunt as this one because, it is not the first time he ‘seeks’ me only when he’s feeling misserable so I could ‘cheer him up’ and thus I remember very well how I use to talk him out of his misery and he’d end up feeling ‘energetically charged’ and i would just feel fucking drained and down, it was an actual energetic bs thing I would allow myself to create for him thus, no more – If I do get to see him and chat with him I’ll be as direct as possible because I’ve explained and actually ‘bared’ with him for more than once over the years, ON the same points over and over again so I don’t see anything else that I could explain but him doing it and applying it himself – thus that was my very laconic response in a very direct and straightforward way, not seeing him as ‘friend’ but as a human being that was asking for a shoulder to cry upon once again – no, not up for that and only being sought after when being in problems and miserable, I’m certainly Not up for that anymore –
I Support people that are Willing to Support themselves definitely for what’s Best for ALL – in Equality– then and until then will I then stand next to someone in walking a point – other than that, it’s rather wasting my time. 
So, it’s fascinating having to direct these two points the same day – he had written yesterday before I left for the concert but I decided to reply only later on today. 
That’s my Equality point, not giving ‘special treat’ to any person ‘of my world’ compared to any other ‘unknown’ person in the internet that approaches for support – 
Okay – so just to clear-clarify the points that might’ve emerged when writing and communicating with this people
I forgive myself that I still accepted and allowed myself to for a moment doubt my point of Self Direction in communication with beings from ‘my world’ or ‘my past’ wherein I ‘feared’ hurting them or creating ‘friction’ or being too ‘bossy’ with them without seeing that such Directiveness is who I am and that all ‘lows’ and ‘highs’ upon it is simply my delusion that I create when dealing with people ‘from my world’ instead of realizing that I did direct them the way I would do with anyone else, thus applying Equality in dealing with beings Here. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear coming through as ‘too harsh’ towards my ‘mother’ and ‘friend’ – within my expression with and towards them. 
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire toning-myself-down as mellowing the message so that I would not come through as too ‘insensitive’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear coming through as ‘insensitive’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value or worth or care to other’s beliefs upon myself as being a caring-loving person. Lol, words entail much deception – as ‘care’ has race and worth, throw – ‘loving’ has ‘vlogin’ and ‘caring’ has ‘grin-ac(t)’ which is like people in charity making events come through as a picture in my mind, ‘grinning’, as being ‘loving’ and ‘caring people’ – 
Anyways – with regards to grinning-smiling I see that this point comes up naturally with certain children and people even if they are unknown people so, there has to be a matter of ‘preference’ there as ‘sensing’ someone being a ‘nice’ person and the other a ‘bad’ person which I have to stop really – like this guy that I saw on the street and just by looking at him I thought of him as a ‘criminal’ person – the same with these other two men I saw in the metro, you know riding around 10 and something almost 11 at night, they both went into the wagon and placed themselves in front of me – they remained with their heads looking down all the time, we made eye contact for a split moment and they came back to shoe-gazing, it’s as if I could say ‘they are hiding something, they feel guilty and they are most likely ‘guilty’ for whtever they’ve done – this point is the same that came up today with this man riding the same bus as myself, the one I had judged for a split moment on him being a ‘criminal’ – he gets on the bus, gives only half of the required money for the fare and tricks the driver into saying he didn’t have any more money because he had a ‘big bill’ – thus it would involve lots of coin-change to give him money, though the way he stared at the bus driver was also a meaning of ‘don’t you fuck around with me, just let me in’ and so, the bus driver saw himself indirectly ‘forced’ to say “okay, leave it like that” – I’ve seen that trick of the ‘big bill’ and not paying for the complete fare ride price – yet obviously people can’t complain because they feel threatened by these people’s presence and words and looks. .
Now, the same happens with the abuse of authority from bus drivers on to passengers – yesterday I rode a bus at night coming out of the concert which for a less than 5 km ride cost me 10 times more than the usual just because it was late at night and we were all in need – thus the driver would be stacking literally forcing people – us- to be packed like sardines in a tin box just so that he could make the most profit out of it – thus I thought in that moment: within an Equal Money System, this type of shit won’t happen, because people won’t be looking after their own benefit as ‘profiteering’ but will actually care to give a fare service for people, to want people be safe and secure and comfortable when riding a bus or any other form of transportation really. Though this wasn’t the case and everyone was complaining that the driver would still be shouting for people to come up into the bus while no one was actually able to fit in there anymore – one guy complained and the driver just said: ‘We are the ones that decide and place the rules here, here I am the one that rules’ – thus, literally shutting him up because if the guy would’ve replied the driver then may say ‘okay go out’ and that would be the end of the ride for him – so, we can see how fucked up things are just for money, money, money – The same with getting gas from some men today, they wanted to cheat me in not placing the final price in the note so that they could probably declare a lower price and get the rest for themselves. So I went outside to get them as they were about to leave, I saw the driver drinking of a bottle of beer – pff driving, 3pm, distributing gas services and: drinking. Fuck! no wonder when he climbed up the ladder I saw him being a bit frightful of a rather short distance from the ground, fucked up!!! Anyways, when I spot him he became quite ‘concerned’ that I had seen him drinking – I sorted out the point of him ‘forgetting’ to writ the final money quantity there and simply walked back to the house saying outloud to myself: Drinking is simply fucking unacceptable. 
Okay just notice how I’ve already pointed out two situations wherein alcohol plays a role. 
Third one and the most extensive one which includes not only one or two but thousands and THousands of people as I went yesterday to this Music Festival which has the name of a famous beer that means ‘crown’ here – anyways obviously! being a fucking concert sponsored by a beer, what would be the most sold and supported article in the whole fucking day? So, I asked myself the question. who would still attend to concerts if ALcohol was banned from this reality? Well yeah, only those that actually care about the music as myself – many use these concerts as an excuse to go get wasted in a ‘new place’ with ‘many people’ – lots lots of alcohol pff just an energetic movement I sensed in my stomach like overwhelming, yet also comes from the view of thousands and thousands of people, being around thousands and thousands. 
This is going to be a rather long post because I’ll share my experience with the concert. 
I sew a t-shirt that reads: ‘here as life’ on the bottom front part of it and in the back the Equal Money Website and decided to wear it to the concert because of thousands going there – anyways, I got a bit lost to get there and it was rather hot at the time that I went there – while riding in the bus a guy sat next to me and he was talking to one of his – I suppose – ‘friends’ on the phone talking about: drumroll please! ta ta ra rá! : Alcohol! lolol and this guy was trying to give ‘advice’ to his mate on how he had to be careful of ‘not doing drugs’ and not taking anything that people presented to him, that it was ‘okay to get fucking ass-wasted with alcohol, but not cool to do drugs, no’ delusional and he was talking about puking – lol he was like perfectly ‘created’ for me to face these discussions because one of the things about alcohol is when people puke of alcohol, I have developed like a trauma out of it from past experiences of seeing people stupified with alcohol. (The image of one ‘uncle’ comes into mind wherein I saw him being a stubborn while drunk and puking on the sink literally clogging it and being unable to drain it – yuk that stuck in my head and ever since seeing him in such an idiotic possession, I lost all ability to ‘respect’ him, I got to really reject him, like being disgusted by him which only ended after many many years wherein he’d be ‘cool’ because he knows about music and thus we would chat and the point was ‘cleared’ in a way but it was a definitive point wherein whenver I saw him re-lapsing in his drinking habits, I knew that he had ‘no remedy’ and thus lost all intention of communicating with him. 
Okay back to the alcoholic people’s experiences – Getting to the festival, everyone is carrying a beer around, lighting up cigarrettes and what not. As I walked around once again, many faces staring, I over heard one or two comments – oh yeah fuck, there’s yet another event. WHen getting to the metro station prior getting to the concert, two fucktards next to me said in a very ‘low’ way like ‘oh look at the bald chick she’s looks pretty nice’ – but yeah you know I can’t translate the vulgar ways of speaking – and so because they were next to me, I simply starred at them most likely with a face of anger and rejection though they didn’t care, they said it to me again, felt so impotent in that moment because they simply ran after saying that to my face again and I only managed to make a face of ‘duh you picks’ but didn’t have time to say anything then assessed: no, it’s cool I didn’t say anything, it would be giving too much attention to it. Then another middle-ages point happened – when getting to the departure platform, there were some policemen, those guys wearing full-protection against groups of protests and they were keeping a group of people from the rest, so I went up there and asked the policemen why they were holding them there, he explained they were ‘students’ which is a certain type that they denominate as ‘porros’ which literally means ‘joints’ but they call revolting and anarchy like people here that basically only go creating riots whenever they are together and they are responsible of creating strikes and all kinds of disturbance – so they were kept from the rest of the people and the policeman said to me ‘If you want you can go past this line but it’s your responsibility if they disrespect you’ – I literally said, okay no thank you and turned away and laughed while walking back to a more centric wagon. I mean what the fuck!
So, the same point of overhearing people repeated itself while walking into the concert, I didn’t give attention to it rather than obviously hearing it and just continuing. 
At the concert I just walked around and saw some bands and I have to say it was quite interesting to see that lol, at least one member in all of the bands that I saw had bald heads – some other bands like Pixies wherein three of their four members are bald heads and the frontman of the english band James who is a bald head as well whom I have to say found very image-like attractive – I actually saw him before as he watched Regina Spektor play and I was like ‘woh who is that, maybe it’s her boyfriend, lol ‘ so yeah I have to say I haven’t had that type of ‘woha’ moment for a long time  – quite a charismatic dude, he’s into doing some type of “spiritual dance” and he really shakes his whole skeleton on stage, quite ‘soul-friendly’ type of person you know, and it works for what he does so yeah I can’t say more about it but getting a kick out of a physical image which is quite uncommon in me these days – lol. LOL okay and the picture pops up and this fluttering movement in my stomach wtf
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted of an image of a man that I saw and found as ‘attractive’ and then added on ‘values’ according to how I saw him interacting with people and moving around and singing and talking – 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel an energetic movement as the infamous ‘butterflies’ when bringing up the image of this being – I do not accept and allow myself to create a point of ‘desire’ or ‘likeness’ as physical-attraction towards this being and seeing him just as an image and a concept – I am one and equal with all beings in this world. 
So, let’s say fuck-off to ‘specialness’. 
Okay and so I found one of my classmates at the concert, he’s a cool guy he denominates himself as a geek and I’ve had interesting discussions with him on budhism – then he made a remark on me being a shaved head then he pointed out of this band james how several of their members were shaved heads – actually it was quite a cool point because these people are front men of music and people idolize them and believe it or not, it had also quite an ‘impact’ on some that saw my shaved head – lol many probably thought I have done it because of either member of these bands. 
Anyways, I enjoyed the music, these bands and pff well, the point of having people smoking next to me and all around me, smoking pot and that smell which simply triggers the memory of those days and ‘that person in my world’ and I experienced physical discomfort, huge one on the top of my back, like that smell, being into a large packed crowed, being a bit hot, smelling all the alcohol and shit, I really wanted to just get out and wondered why do I keep doing that but, pff music concerts and seeing the Pixies live was something long overdue – thus I went there and faced the point of having people smoking next to me. I breathed, breathed, stretched, moved my body instead, sang, and enjoyed the show – obviously that smell it’s like pushing buttons within me, but it’s only ‘that’ point of stimulation which I have to breathe through, constantly, continuously  – obviously I wouldn’t ‘give in’ at all but I can’t deny how vivid it was as if my apetite for self-destruction had activated for a moment there – but continued stopping and breathing, stretching myself to breath and make the pain go away, lost of physical discomfort. 
Another point I realized is that people don’t like being sober at concerts because then they experience in full sobriety the actual discomfort and tediousness that is created when waiting for bands to come up – thus they smoke whatever they have, they drink — and they stop selling alcohol around 7 pm supposedly to stop people that would drink and then drive away – one can see people literally being angry when they stop selling alcohol, pff. Anyways, alcohol definitely entails self abuse no other way, everyone wants to be lost and confused and they use alcohol as their flag for it. Fucked up. 
Then the concert went by, I went out and saw thousands of people walking, it really was a LOT of people all walking for at least one or two kilometers to get out of the place pff. then I always think like: wow, feed all these people, imagne all these people flushing the toilett, imagine all these people eaiting, talking, taking a showr – all that is provided from Earth, all that’s necessary to cover everyone’s needs – wow, a LOT. 
So that was it, got here by having to face a fear of being alone for some minutes in the city at night – you know this classmate asked why I would go to concerts alone and I pointed out there was no one else I could go with, he said that I hadn’t asked him  that but i never expected him to go to these type of events, lol – which is cool, at least I had a chat with him for a while. So, this is it, I can see I wrote all or most of the points I had thought about writing them out and sharing – it is a very long post, I reckon but, that’s all I had to share out of my experiences –
I came back from the concert and had salt and vinegar shower and then went to sleep, quite cool to do that. 
Thanks for reading!
Sharing a though on fb just now out of this conversation: 
I Use Alcohol on a regular basis – yes, this is a Fact: I use it to clean offset ink from metal plates, that’s what it serves for – 

Now imagine what it does to your insides – too bad we can’t see or be aware of what exactly goes on within our bodies, that’s proof of how separated we exist from the physical body here. 

Appetite for Self-Destruction anyone?”


About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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