Well, the point today is I saw an experience arising within me that was directly linked to seeing an old friend from school, I hadn’t seen him since I came back from SA and I knew he was going to Austria last year – so I saw him and I was glad to see him and asked him about his trip, and it turned out that he is finishing school –meaning he’s got al his credits already and he’s now going to be placing his finalized thesis and so forth which is a ‘wow’ for me because that’s the point I am currently still stuck with. Then he said how he’s possibly going to be going to live to Praha because he got a job there and will most likely be there making his post-degrees – don’t know the word in english – and so I was quite glad to hear and also that he’s going with his family – he’s already married with two kids – and so he seemed very very happy about it. I sensed a bit of ‘nostalgia’ because of seeing people already taking their ‘path’ and making their dreams come true so to speak, being ‘realized’ in that way which I saw the moment just as I was saying goodbye after having talked a bit about Praha and how cool that city is and telling him about my short trip there. Then he simply had to go and so I said good-bye and sensed an experience within me the moment of hugging good-bye, I sensed myself starring at the infinite in that moment, like not really being ‘here’ but being in that creation of an experience which is still ‘here’ – I can give it a name in a very bold way as ‘jealousy’ because of seeing him so happy and realized and having finished all school and getting ready to just make his final examination and then going to live abroad – pff well I see that he’s probably living out ‘my dream’.
I have to write a lot about this so this is for purposes of my own mind-clarification because it’s quite interesting how this has developed. Yesterday I was talking to this guy about how when I got into Desteni my whole ‘dream’ of becoming an artist was torn apart, not ‘by itself’ but I did it, deliberately because I gave up on all of that to start my process, I literally cut cold turkey on many relationships with several people and points in my world – art was one of them because I started questioning if that was an actual ‘real’ likeness for art and so, it is obvious that everything is preprogrammed and that art was part of that programming, of my ‘path’ and so I decided to stick to school, I kept going to school yet being actually into Desteni – here I’m perceiving as if both points were separate, but what I mean is the time when I spent time reading all the articles and watching all videos and beginning process. I see I have written this story many times already thus, not relevant.
So what actually runs as a thought in my mind is ‘I gave up art and my actual activity and moving and getting myself ‘somewhere’ within art because of the time spent on Desteni’ – and thus obviously what I do at Desteni, with Desteni is the most important I am doing and can do and I can see how my desire to actually ‘get somewhere’ within art and have a nice life as that type of dream which is basically what I faced with this friend which is going to live abroad for studies – most likely Europe – and stay there to live. I mean ‘that’ was one of my dreams. And so every time I see someone saying they went to Spain or Austria or Praha for studies, I simply say inside my secret mind ‘ damn! I could’ve moved myself and gone there’ – I see my time is ticking out in that school and the fact is that I didn’t give ‘all of myself’ within it because I stopped caring yet now that I see the actual possibilities open up for people when they do create the right connections and move themselves within it all, they can actually do it and thus, it’s easy for me to go into this type of experience wherein I see myself as having ‘lost my chance’ or having lost the opportunity to do something of art, of what was my ‘interest’ back then.
And so I still ‘have’ the energetic experience here – like some type of envy/jealousy translated to my own ‘loss of opportunity’ which in fact I mean, I wouldn’t have actually ‘done’ because even if I could turn back time I would’ve still made the same choices I made on not giving full time attention to school because I didn’t see myself as an ‘artist’ anymore or pursuing the ‘fame’ that I wanted before. And what I’ve been struggling now is whether I am going to be an ‘artist’ or actually study something else related to politics or so, therefore, I am not entirely certain about this yet and I still have to walk the last bits here in art school which was ‘my dream’ and now that I’m there and I see everyone else, all these useless thoughts of comparison come up as ‘oh they will probably “make it”’ or ‘oh, yeah I could’ve done that’ or! ‘Oh yes, I can’t really do that type of things, they are really good at doing that I am not even capable of doing so’ – and thus diminishing myself within this, it’s obvious art-school game but the fact is that not having the ability to discern what to take on within a thesis is already indicating that I wasn’t really ‘into it’ to actually have a cool foundation to take on as final thesis. Breathe – Here-
And so, this experience with this old friend it’s fascinating because I saw immediately how it was being created and even though I wanted to really be glad for him I knew that it wasn’t a ‘ pure’ experience, I was actually hiding the fact that I was jealous at this because he’s ‘making it’, he’s actually walking part of what I deemed ‘my dream’ which is going to live somewhere else and forget about Mexico – yet, lol, I really have to let go of it all because if I am going to be making an actual change I guess- and this ‘I guess’ is a way of not compromising myself I see – is going to happen here, where I was born into, where I come from, etc. And thus I simply have to let go of the ideas of me being the ‘star’ that ‘travels around the world’ and that creates this point of ‘success’ as being ‘recognized’ which eventually is obviously the point that I’ve been working with throughout my process: ‘wanting recognition’.
I see here in my own writing how all that created the experience is simply the desire for ‘an experience’ itself, a way of being able to say: ‘I am fulfilling my dream’ lol fool-feeling my dream which is based on me going to live somewhere else in the world and forget about Mexico and stay out of this country for as long as possible and have a foreign partner and have a wealthy life and be sucksessfool which in fact is not that it’s ‘bad’ but as I dreamed it back then, it does stand as a point of self interest only. That was ‘Marlen’ as who she was within her initial starting point of studying arts – yes one could also see how it seems I am wanting to victimize myself as if I was ‘sacrifying’ my ‘dream’ because of Living Process – yet I am not, because all those dreams and desires were real only at a mind level and moved through the desire to be recognized, successful and having some type of influence over this world – thus I stopped and what I experienced are simply remnants of that jealousy I could create towards someone that I perceive and see is attaining/ getting/ achieving their goals in life – or maybe they weren’t even ‘goals’ but are simply cool opportunities for them to go to other places, lol this guy is literally travelling around Europe with his dance-classes and it’s awesome. Basically what comes to my mind is the elite-life! the elite-lifestyle that I got a bit of a taste at times throughout my life with these type of ‘excess’ of being in luxury hotels in presidential suites and having royal treat because of my father having some important position in a national selling organization of the electrical industry and so, we would get really cool treatment by everyone. That type of experience, seeing him travelling around the country, airplanes, gifts, recognition by many was something that I got to like and want for myself as that point of ‘when I grow up’ – I was only 9 or 10 around that time – and obviously seeing the way rockstars live, the ultimate fuck up you know, easy going life, lots of money, travelling – pff travelling is something I happen to like too much – most of the travels have been ‘life changing experiences’ and even more so when going by myself to some other country. Fascinating, I am more ‘stable’ and that energetic experience is not ‘here’ anymore.
So, ‘giving up dreams’ is self-deception anyways because the starting point of having such ‘dreams’ was based on self-interest only wherein I only care about myself only, wherein I only get my piece of ‘glory’ as I was explaining yesterday, wherein I only care about inflating my ego and being recognized by other people by ‘what I do’, by ‘what I create’ and thus getting royal-treatment I mean really, I did aspire to that ‘royal treatment’ living now that I see it with full clarity and thus part of my process has been getting rid of that and actually learning how to live in simplicity which is supported by my current environment.
so! fascinating, this brings up the next point to work with: being an elitist.
Okay, it happened again, I had written extensive self forgiveness – on these points and it got erased – anyways I wrote it out for myself, would’ve liked to share but it’s gone, and I simply breathe at the moment and let go of it because in the end what matters is me stopping any and all forms of separation through placing value on to another based on money and their socio-economical ‘state’ that I was taught I should ‘care about’ in terms of deciding who to become ‘friends’ with or have a relationship with.
Okay. Next points later on.