On facing a being from my past, one of those guys that I sensed was ‘cool’ and I was attracted to in a platonic-idealistic way. Well, it happened that he came to my house because he used to live with one of the guys I live with and so lol I saw once again the subtle ‘changes’ made whenever I am attracted to someone and want to create a particular impression – noticed exaggerating laughter, slight nervousness manifested as this slight ‘quivering’ throughout my body and also when this person was looking at me and talking to me directly. So, why am I sharing this? Because it’s been a long time since I faced this type of point and it’s fascinating to see how after I met him I started creating ideas, literally mind-travelling into maybe somehow seeing him again and maybe having a cool conversation some day and leading to ‘knowing each other better’ and so forth – Tremendous mindfuck to say the least! Lol! And I remembered how back then I had told my friend how I liked him and so forth, I mean that was what.. 3 years ago or so – anyways. Even so! even knowing the mindfuck I was in I went on thinking about him like the ‘impression’ he’s had of me and so forth and this could’ve gone on and on until I saw the obvious mindfuck, how I was using this point again to occupy my mind, to create a certain image of ‘him’ in my mind and being caught in ‘that’ point which is ‘the’ point within my process which is relationships – so! took immediate action, saw it for what it was, a huge mindfuck and stopped, saw the obviousness of how I was being kept busy with this ‘new point’ in my world and so, stopped! and I see my mind wanting to bring up the image of him just looking at me with what I deemed as ‘sincere’ look and imagining on him being ‘interested on me’ lol as if I was any type of product to sell – how mingled and tangled we’ve been, having this constant ‘selling’ and ‘buying’ within everything we do, seeking experiences, seeking a point to be ‘interested on’, seeking a point of ‘diversion’, of ‘attention’ – severed in all ways.
It all can be translated to seeking attention, seeking a relationship formation, seeking another way of occupying my mind and creating a distraction from what is here as myself. So hereby I let go of it all, of that point that I had completely created as a mind-experience and thus clarify that I don’t accept and allow myself to create any further expectations on ‘meeting beings’ that ‘I liked’ and was only attracted to and judged that by their looks they are ‘good people’ and so forth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give head and value to people that I have been ‘attracted to ‘ before in my past and thus believing that ‘I like these people’ and creating ideas upon ‘liking these beings’ and creating experiences according to the pictures I see and the projections I create upon someone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of separation from myself here in the moment I gave myself into an experience according to meeting someone that I had been previously attracted to and creating a point of ‘attention’ towards that which I perceived as ‘my preference’ – all mind-based illusions, all preferences – none of it stands as what’s best for all and thus – stop the mindfuck towards this guy because, it’s quite foolish to do so anyways. There are actual situations here in this world that need to be given direction to and not occupy my mind with that which is completely irrelevant.
I am here and breathing.
Ok. Next points