I can’t own my time and Equality cystic points

So, Last week I had a very interesting series of events that lead to realizing one single point: I cannot take my time for granted, I cannot create a plan for a day and thus have everything ‘measured’ to fit my schedule for a day, I cannot assume what I’ll be doing and how the outcome of something will be, etc.

It began with the work I’ve been doing wherein I had an idea of what I wanted to create and in one workshop I simply had to face the point of not having the desired outcome, having some of my stuff just stolen or ‘lost’ or whatever which didn’t allow me to finish my work properly due to some acid being all of a sudden lost – thus having to adjust another technique to create the desired effect which didn’t result in a cool way and thus, just letting go of the ‘desired outcome’ in that image. Then in lithography had similar event – I had created this ‘super cool’ drawing that people had actually ‘liked’ and were kind of ‘admiring it’ –YET when the moment of printing came, I didn’t take the technical part of it into consideration thus when inking the whole plate, it would end up completely black – my teacher helped in wanting to save it, but we couldn’t and thus it was just lost – so, people then kind of came ‘patting my back’ because of having lost that work – lol. I actually saw within myself an experience coming up in that moment so I stopped and directed it the best way I could – I mean even my teacher felt kind of ‘bad’ about it and gave me the one blank plate just to play around with the technique and so forth, lol – eventually I let go of it, yet still thinking ‘oh I didn’t even take a picture of it but then realizing, it was a picture, just a picture that’s all.

Then, on saturday I had planned going to the museum and getting my groceries and when looking for my plastic card to draw money, bam! couldn’t find it anywhere, I became possessed in looking for it all over the place, no result so I finally gave in and went to make phone-calls to report it stolen – then had to go to the bank to get the money, no ATM possible  and saw my dependency upon money obviously like blunt fuel that could stop me from doing things – fucked up!!! obviously and this is just one silly example I am giving, imagine people that really fucking run out of money and have nothing to eat – unacceptable – okay I breathe and keep sharing about my points.

So then that day I decided to go downtown to change the size of a tshirt I had bought and also as an excuse to go out and read a bit on the road – then I decided to eat at the place I deemed my fav one to eat at, yet I saw myself judging the food like wondering if it’s all ‘clean’ where they prepare it and how they prepare it and the quality of ingredients and so forth – after I ate that I went straight back home yet started feeling a bit weird on my way – I noticed how I had an uneasiness with the meal I had taken and so I started feeling shivers and a bit of overall body pain – took a pill and waited for the next morning to confirm that I was sick, I said ‘food poisoning’ until I went with a very not trust worthy doctor that claimed I didn’t have any infection and that I only had to take some supplements to aid the resented stomach due to the food I ate – yet came home and spent hours with extensive body pain and I think fever – and that lasted until my mother managed to get someone to bring me some antibiotics – the doctor’s examination was mostly not accurate and thus I did require antibiotics – and so, I finally got them through people and I was so glad about it. my mother got quite concerned about the fever. The body and fever didn’t allow me to do all that I wanted to do on that day either, nor on monday either so, once again: I cannot own my time, I cannot say I will be fine and healthy that day – it is all basically not able to be predicted so, fascinating once again yet the physical discomfort really sucked, not cool at all as I couldn’t fulfill my plans of accomplishing what I wanted to do that day. I slept very early on at night as well that day.

Then on monday I simply used it all to do some stuff, care about what I ate and saw how this is also an important point to watch so to speak.

I got news from my parents saying that they are going to go to Vegas next weekend… and they asked for my ‘opinion’ about it – I replied in an sms to my mother that I obviously don’t support such kind of bullshitting business and that I do not agree with that but that it’s obvious my stance towards that wouldn’t stop them from going so… that was it. I mean, pff what else could I do? Nothing. They just wanna have ‘their fun’ as any other human being that has the actual ability of using money to do such a thing – they said they won’t do the gambling thing, just going to enjoy the fake-staged city I guess. Anyways.

School becomes quite ‘flimsy’ at the end of each semester – only one teacher so far actually keeps the scheduled plan for the sessions and the actual teaching of what was initially planned – and it’s more of an administration subject than an art one – it’s always that way in this school or any school for that matter, always the law of the least effort.

On wednesday prior entering some chat about some artist’s ‘cosmic art’, one of my teachers that got a fucking infatuation with asking if I’m not cold with a bald head etc asked me directly why I shaved my head – so I explained it as it being part of a worldwide campaign for Equality and he – as everyone does – asked ‘what kind of Equality’? I explained as life, as human beings, as part of this society, equal in a social, economical, political context – not divided by religions or ideologies or races or languages as ‘who we are’ as ‘personalities’ but recognizing our common-ground as human beings. Then he said I should be careful of not being confused by skinhead, because ‘what we are doing’ is total opposite to the skinheads and Hitler – and so that I could or we could get in trouble for being mistaken by that. So I thought he was joking but he wasn’t, lol anyways yeah I explained how there can be no link as what we stand for stands for itself but anyways, he just takes it as another ‘rebellious’ act that an ‘art student’ takes on – he introduced me to the woman giving the lecture and made me explain the point of shaving my head to her – so I did again and she only said that so that’s why I was in art school…. ok.

Then hours later when I was at the lithography workshop, my teacher just asked so, what’s up? and that question took me by surprise lol kind of reminded me when bernard would ask, ‘what’s up’? so I asked what’s up where how? with my production? in life? and he just said, yes in general, how was your weekend – and so he asked like, let’s say what do you do on your weekend? And so I explained how I am an ‘activist’ an internet social-network activist and so he asked more about it and explained the point of Equality – basically in similar terms as I had explained it to my previous teacher that overheard the point of ‘Equality’ and went into fear about ‘skinheads’ – and this teacher actually asked more about it, in real interest. All the way he was playing the devil’s advocate because he basically wanted me to see that it is quite impossible to establish Equality on Earth, that it’s been tried by several groups – obviously communism and socialism came into play and I explained how communism was great in theory and that we had in fact similarities but that we did have an action plan of how to actually implement it. He kept on pushing me to see that it is Human’s Nature as a greedy being that would fuck it all up, that in groups/societies and anything else, the moment that someone tries to take over and get the most and become the ruling point, the Equality is non existent anymore and thus that it is sort of utopic because there is always someone that wants ‘what the other one has’.

He placed some hipothetical situations like: let’s say there’s 10 people and only 9 products to give to these 10 people – one of them will be left out of having such product – that in itself creates in Equality that will create incomformity in that one being – or let’s say only one gets it out of 10 – and there’s only 1 available for ‘all’, what would you do ? I kept on explaining that this is why and how we take first our individual process as basis to understand Equality and how it is vital to stop greed, to stop the desire to obtain what others have, to stop competitions, to stop wanting to ‘be more’ and all delusions of grandeur – and obviously he asked about the current people i n power not going to tolerate or allow what we want to implement to actually happen – I mean, he gets completely the point of us living in a fictional world with fictional value-system and that as such, we could actually create a money system based upon something tangible as who we are and create a fair trade existence – yet, if those resources aren’t equally available, just by default it would create ‘inequality’ which is really trivial in itself because Equality doesn’t mean that everyone will get ‘the same’ in products, but the same amount of money to get what they require as basic needs.

He kept on saying how we are ‘apparently’ equal but that even by blood and dna our basic food needs are different – lol and that is fucking true obviously but I explained how being EQUAL doesn’t mean we’re all THE SAME – but there is no specific way of explaining ‘the same’ in spanish without using the word equal so, had to place an example on that. He then pointed out how communism in countries like Cuba also didn’t work because they were closed systems in itself – as well as towards the rest of the world as I pointed out – so I made the remark on this having to be at a global level so that there won’t be such problems. ALl the way he had this look on his face, with a very subtle smirk like saying ‘I’ve heard this all before, it’s been done and it hasn’t worked’ – because that’s basically his posture. I mean he’s 60 something he saw the communist movements even more so when being in the national university yet all of those plans emerging as radical groups. Something I ended up explaining a bit more in detail is how we live a personal process and we correct ourselves and I even told him I had gotten myself out of drugs and how I have actually supported me for the best, and how I do take into consideration my environment and beings within my every action – and that I am doing this for the sake of living, not for the sake of any fucking money. And that’s when some girl came in and wanted to talk to him so our conversation ended there. I mean I’m glad I finally explained what it was all about because he and his son that are there as teachers at the workshop would simply ask about SA and me shaving my head every day but never really asked why or how come, etc. 

So, it was quite something having to explain the point to two of my teachers in a matter of hours and just going fully explaining about it –and explaining about SA and so forth on working communities- I know for them it’ might just seem another pipe dream that people usually go through when being in art school.

I explained yet the shaving point to another guy that definitely said how being bald creates a ‘statement’ and how one can sense that there is something trying to be said, but that it’s best to ask instead of assume – and so he did and explained the ‘international campaign’ point and he kind of said how he was looking into having a desire to shave his head as well lol but yeah people chicken out most of the times – anyways. I always make sure I explain the principle point and not the ‘image’ in itself, I explain it as part of my process, as part of my discipline and that’s it.

So, in my reality what I’ve been looking at is the irresponsibility of people. LIke people here, they know they have to pay me the internet – okay and I leave a message just behind the door so that anyone sees it when going out of the house and still, no pay from two of them – one claimed to have bank problems, the other is simply just procrastinating the point. One said she’d take the garbage out this thursday because I had done it on tuesday – garbage came and she didn’t take it out, I kind of yelled her name in that moment but no answer – pff and she’s got a cat that she leaves on weekend, not really caring what the fuck the poor cat does or if he even actually goes into her room to get food – then dishes are just there soaking for days in the fucking sink. I have come to just get used to it, I mean what else can I do? Scold them? lol I have already placed a post-it on top of the sink on the wall that reads: WASH YOUR DISHES NOW! and no actual action from all. Some keep forgetting to turn the gas key off even though there’s two fucking notes saying TURN OF THE GAS OFF.


and these are human beings, regular human beings that care only about their parties, their own entertainment, some of them love complaining about the system but aren’t actually willing to be the change themselves. WE’re living in the same house and have no basic considerations of what is to live as equally responsible – I still seem to be the one that cares about not disturbing others and others can arrive at 2 in the morning with other people and make noise and what the fuck not. Now, these are only 4 other beings I have to live with – imagine applying common sense to the entire world, if basic common sense can’t be lived in simple tasks to live effectively in the same house, fuck I mean… really, there is no other way but for people to go through Process to understand Equality – even if people that get to know Desteni aren’t fully willing to participate because they see it as ‘too much of a commitment’ to take on within their lives – thus simply indicating that they’d rather continue living the fake-staged live than actually daring to be REAL and realize the farce of this game and thus how it is that we can actually break the fucking staged scenario of life and become real.

I made a vlog that I didn’t post, I was acting more out of anger and resentment towards the world more or less speaking about the stupidity that we see on youtube’s frontpage as what is being promoted and how youtube is the reflextion of what exists in our minds – lots of sex, stupidity, abuse, foolish entertainment occupies the majority of space in the internet while us are slowly but surely taking on a bit of attention.

I got a message the other day from a subscriber saying he didn’t want to get our videos anymore, that if we really wanted to do something, we weren’t going to get it by posting videos on youtube and that we had to do something physical.

So I replied how it’s cool if he wants to remain in a secluded pink bubble where everything is fine and he doesn’t have to deal with this world – that he can simply click on unsubscribe and it’s done –

Equality is still seen as ‘outside’ of people stumbling upon our videos, not seeing them as part of the point but us as a ‘movement’ that will take responsibility for that, like the few odds that care about it.

Fucked up to say the least and thus, I can’t help but ask… and this is the type of people we will be supporting in an Equality System? Will they actually change with an equality system? or will they simply continue to disregard life and be benefitted to continue fucking around in this world? Do people even really care?

It’s obvious they don’t otherwise more people would’ve probably already seen the point and joined, caring people and actual beings that are willing to walk this completely are scarce, we are a few really thus, a lot has to be walked through and yes I have to be patient and all – I do realize it’s important not to allow the reality of things and its current motion to discourage me – don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing else I would be doing in this world after all that I’ve seen and all that I know. But, some major wake up calls will have to be made.


for reading


About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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