Some anxiety from:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall in the trap of wikileaks
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that wikileaks would have any consequence in this world whatsover and that it would actually create the fall of the system 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold on to a desire of the system to fall without realizing that these are my inner-desires of getting to a total destruction of everything we’ve known without considering common sense that it would be actually extensive suffering if this did happen like that
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a mock out of news and create an energetic experience of actual contempt when seeing things going wrong in this world in the secret desire for everything to just fall apart and blow
These are points that I had existed as for several years, wishing that armageddon point, that end of days and total destruction of earth and all in it because of not seeing any point in life in this life and that is something that intensifies every time I see the fuckedupness in this world – this is why I feel so identified with what Jeanne said in her video and how I can definitely see that such sadness and anger mixed points are something that I can see and I can be participating it at times – it’s not a ‘deep experience’ though – more anger than ‘sadness’  now but it’s all about now directing that anger into something self-supportive such as self forgiveness on the points of anger and taking on the corrective process required by myself. 
I am noticing that i am participating in ‘involuntary’ movements like rubbing my feet with one another, or being constantly touching something in more of an anxiety way – wanting to get it done right, properly, fast, accurate, easy, passing. .. then I see the points related to money, to school, to the world, to my points of responsibility, wanting to be EVERYWHERE if I could and give time to all properly – and it’s not working so that is what creates the anxiety which is coming up as an energetic nasty experience in the pit of my stomach and it spreads throughout my whole body and feels like when I would drink alcohol the very last times I did that – really not cool experience like poison or sedatives or some kind of strange experience through my entire body
This nervousism has arisen lately I can associate it to just regular compund of school work that I tend to over-stress about by not giving it proper direction – even though I end up creating a solution and walking the points – shit happens like losing my flash stick with my homeworks and projects and having lost my debit card some time ago and stuff like that which is completely unpredictable yet self created that stir my world into unexpected ways which leads me out of control and makes me ‘waste time’ and so forth – just like today when I woke up amost at 7 that is 2 hours late and thus couldn’t do the usual internet work before goign to school and thus such points create a definitive not-cool experience because I am not being as ‘effective’ as I want to be, to have all points covered, solved, there is tons of stuff i haven’t read yet and that worries me. Having to keep up with everything, with all things Desteni that move at the speed of light yet walking my reality and actually talking to people and sharing and discussing which is what happened today as well and something I gave myself the opportunity to do because of always been kind of flying out of school to not be distracted and thus get to move myself here in the net. 
I want to say that i see the ‘power’ of collective experiences, just by watching some hand-made live animation that experiene of any human being able to relate to such state of the human of a constant shout and angst wanting to break free, it’s something that is moving everyone at a very simple and core level – and I see that these points lead to discussion and sharing and showing some of my art to fellow mates I mean, I have to create opening points in my reality somehow, I can’t just exist in the internet world as such, I have to start getting in touch with people in my reality in my context that are doing their own ways of ‘standing up’. I see that I have become a bit dogmatic in terms of people and only wanting to do it ‘my way’ which is Equality, process of self hoensty as we know it but let’s face it, not everyone will begin with those points just like ‘that’, there is a process involved and it all starts by simple realizations that people go through their lives and thus that can be taken on to a later stage of actual walking of process. Like there’s this girl that I had shared some about who is quite an ‘activist’ I can get a long with her and we do have ‘real interaction’ becacuse she’s read a lot of guys and books that I haven’t yet the final practical application is mostly there and she does know about the point of consciousness and how one can actually change that predetermined factor that creates the ‘condition’ within all human beings as the mind consiousness system that can be re-directed to become one and equal to it, as it to direct it towards what’s best for all. 
My back hurts man, I see I place myself under unnecessary stress and rush in terms of getting things done, but that’s also because I want to get it done and that’s it – there is definitely less care in terms of getting a certain ‘grade’, it’s morelike me just doing what I can in a ‘balanced’ way, covering the basic responsibilities so that I can have time for the points that are required within this process which is priority for me. 
Within this I am looking at creating my thesis not about some future-political point, but I will postulate myself as my work of art under the premis that ‘art must demonstrate to society the possibility of changing the world’ and thus instead of creating a plastic-work of art in itself, I take on this statement and take myself as my work of art to become the individual point of change that shows to the world that I am able and capable of modify myself within the principle of what’s best for all as Life and thus, become at the same time an agent of social transformation within the same principles – so we begin with the individual and then with the collective which is what we are walking right now. I presented it to my teacher he actually likes this idea/project more than the previous idea that was more ‘politics related’ because it is certainly about myself and my process that actually began when entering art school – everything ‘intensified’ so to speak when I got here to live in Mexico City and everything compounded as I started living on my own, tasting more the point of being responsible for my own care, then taking it to a point of ‘freedom’ wherein I developed the habit of smoking weed and then began ‘searching for more’ in spiritual realms and philosophies and drank books to get a hold of any ‘truth’ I could stick to until I got to desteni after some months of intense mindfucks really, an overall intensification of ‘searching for something’ or ‘someone’ that could make sense of my world, my life – and thus right before becoming probably a mayan calendar follower – lol – I got to Desteni and with that, we all know what happened: dropped all beliefs out of the window and I am here – and I can see this point of everyday just re-assuring what needs to be walked, what needs to be actually practially made. 
At the moment I can see that I have to develop ways to speak about Equality without sounding totalitarian and having no ‘openness’ towards other people’s actions and thoughts upon it – so I have to be careful of not instilling ‘fear’ or having people misunderstanidng the point of walking process as well – people really want to defend their ‘difference’ and some specialness within a historical-cultural background so that’s quite a fuck up and an actual separation – oh boy can they take thigns personally. I shared that if I would go through the world only giving opinions about how I see the world according to my likes, I would be hating the wolrd and always criticizing it – instead I am looking at what’s being done and within their possibilities and context how such point can be veered towards a self-support point. THat’s what happened today with some drawing-symposium wherein a collective from spain showed this interface that they created to directly link image and sound loops to create music and these pattern-like animations based on loops – quite fascinating at the end showing all these numbers of people in the usual statistics of death, hunger, greed, violence etc – as well as war-like scenes that would go flashing in patterns that made the whole auditorium kind of shocked in terms of how it is presented – yet some disliked it because it goes against their ideals of art – or diminished it because it’s ‘electronic’ – some people are rather traditionalists here so that’s one fucked up point because they are the ones that defend the culture and history and whatnot so, pff not cool. So I shared how within the context of the work itself I had liked the final stage wherein they depict the crurent instability of the world, the chaos, the abuse, war, etc. So, I thought to myself how these type of presentations could be a cool vehicle to present Equality in this world and an actual wake-up call. 
So right now it’s fucking late, got quite late from school due to some acctivies there that portrayed one of the painters I’ve talked about here Orozco and it’s quite cool because afterwards I showed these guys my lithographs and the one called ‘never wait’ one of them related the message of it to some of the last words said and explained in this conference wherein this artist basically explained how we cannot remain in silence and that we have to speak up when we see the things, in the moment, as they are otherwise we become prisoners of our own points of awareness that we don’t speak about. 
I can see myself in this state at the moment wherein I am making time a limitation, it’s happened before and thus I can’t keep bullshitting myself creating excuses of not having enough time to write, enought time to share, enough time to be with people – etc. I see being with people as a ‘waste of time’ just like today that I saw how while being with people sharing and talking I was placing that in a balance wherein I was meassuring time with poeple against going home and getting to the regular networking point – I decided to share with people as it is something I don’t usually do  and every time I do still see it as a ‘waste of time’ so, I see I have to simply balance out my reality, my everyday living. At the moment shit has been postponed at school so that sucks but it will be over next week for sure. I dislike the fact of how this guy that knows of Desteni and my process sees it as an ‘external’ point, even if he gets the basics and the common sense within it, really, it’s like I don’t fucking get it why people see us as an external point instead of an actual thing that concerns us ALL Equally – that’s just plain cowardice really, seeing the piont and deciding not to do anything about it yet complain and brag about it. 
Anyways at the moment I am going to sleep it’s been a long fucking day and lots that I want to share and lots of points to move and give direction so I require time – and to stop the perception that I am left behind or I am not covering my responsibilities enough within it all. 


About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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