So, I directed the point – once again – as I did some months ago when I convoked people living here to a reunion to now assess everyone’s tasks and duties and point out other things that people haven’t really been considering in terms of living together.
I decided to make a list to discuss the points and so I didn’t miss any of them – which in itself they saw as ‘my rules’ instead of common sensical living – anyways let’s proceed.
So I basically pointed out that not everyone was committing themselves to what they had agreed upon before in terms of the tasks and activities and then how they create all kinds of excuses not to do so – and thus obviously pointed out that it doesn’t really take ‘time’ to wash your dishes if you do it right after you use them to eat – and that one can actually do it if you will yourself to do it.
Anyways I have to certainly say that when I got here which is somewhat late as every tuesday, I noticed there were several people in the house and some pots with plants, dry plants as it’s not their ‘season’ anymore were just on the floor, dirt everywhere, and thus I simply came into the patio of the house and out of reaction asked one of them like what’s this?! but obviously I was referring to the pots on the floor as if having been just deliberately destroyed, and so he said ‘what’s what’ and I pointed out to the pots and dirt scattered around and he just replied we’re playing soccer’ – with a fucking huge basketball – okay so I said what the fuck? and they both claim (both as in people that live here) ‘they are ours anyways’ – so yeah now private property gives you the right to fucking destroy shit – typical. Yet I noticed that he’d been drinking so, decided to not go any further in that moment until later.
Anyways I have to admit I got probably green out of anger as he then pointed out later on in the meeting that I had agreed with them earlier today at 10 pm for the meeting. I simply went inside my room and waited for everyone to come down.
Once there I started off with money points on how we have to leave the money for the rent so that when the landlord lady comes everything’s in place for her and not having to struggle and wait for everyone to pay the rent and so forth – yeah ok. Then went on to the payments they have to give me with regards to internet service – okay cool. Then went on to the general cleaning and taking care of their responsibilities.
Man, we all know that sometimes our hair would fall in great quantities, right? Well I’ve been having to clean the hair that accumulates in the … what’s the name for that you know like the grid-strainer that leads to the sewage – well yeah and so it was funny to mention that I am cleaning it considering I have no fuicking hair at all, lol so they kind of laughed about that but yeah. Anyways, let’s get to the core points discussed.
They definitely see me as obsessive-compulsive for cleaning – the four of them basically confirmed it- so it was inevitable not to feel as ‘the opposition’ due to what I was proposing. They see the ‘cool points’ within living in a clean environment yet they don’t do it themselves – which is what I explained because when explaining it’s all quite ‘fair’ and ‘cool ‘ and ‘understandable’ but in practice – man! they tried to explain mostly how they have sort of ‘pushed’ themselves to do stuff just because of me being here – and so I said I will always push everyone to be better with themselves not only on ‘cleaning’ bu overall – yet somewhat they ‘tried’ to explain something about me in relation to them that was never clear and claimed they didn’t ‘find the words’ to say it. So I can see there’s a gap there they either really didn’t know how to express or simply backed off from actually saying it. Anyways I said at all times: speak, share, say it directly because that’s how I am speaking right now here.
I could see myself not giving them proper time to explain and wanting to reply as soon as possible to correct the points so even though I tried to keep myself in a lo-fi point, I did get into a type of reactions when they would point out that it was personal and almost as if I was doing it deliberately to fuck them somehow – anyways not true so I clarified and kept going.
One used an example of how I had cero dirt-tolerance and how the rest let’s say had 5 dirt-tolerance and that because I was there, they’ve been in 3 tolerance – and that thus I have to literally go back to being a bit more tolerant to which I agreed – I mean I mentioned the word ‘flexibility’ as it’s a word I’ve been seeing I have to apply within myself and my current stance and they agreed upon that being required – yet I see some have taken my stance really really personal and so I clarified that it’s not personal and that I don’t do things deliberately to ‘fuck someone’ but that I do take actions to remind someone to do their shit. This is specifically to having taken out the dishes that were keeping the sink occupied and thus it was like a reminder for people to wash their shit. Well the guy literally got pissed off, I did notice he didn’t speak to me and so, it’s quite obvious to see that he took it personal and claimed that he doesn’t remember that he has to clean dishes and that he sometimes doesn’t even get to the kitchen, etc – which is what they mostly claim so, man it’s always a point of not wanting to recognize their responsibility within it and have it ‘their way’.
One of them the girl I’ve been having the more troubles with said that we should all live the way we want – so I said fuck no, no ‘free will’ here to do ‘whatever you want’ – it’s all about considering others in everything you do here – I explained how I don’t really care about how they have their rooms, that’s none of my concern, it’s all about public areas really that we have to take care of.
So, I did notice that the four of them certainly let’s say dislike me for that and that some have gotten to fear me for being nagging them so, that’s not cool. They do recognize that I do stuff for them as cleaning and so forth and one said ‘thank you’ yet I said that It’s not really that I want recognition for this, that I do it because I like living like this and that I like making sure that people have a clean space whenever they’ll use it – so as to expecting to have the same back, yet not happening.
While opening up this point I noticed how they truly are quite immersed in their mind wherein they really don’t realize that shit doesn’t get done by itself, that if they take a shower in the morning and it’s all clean it’s because I’ve been there before cleaning up stuff – same in the kitchen etc.
On the other hand, quite fucked up to see once again this point, seeing people ‘tightening themselves up’ when I’m around – I got the exact same experience when I was at home and quite in a severe strict phase in my process, almost at the very beginning and I remember walking downstairs to eat with my ‘family’ back when my sisters were still there and so it was the four of them just talking, they usually talk about other people’s lives and so forth, general ‘entertainment’ – and when i would come down, they’d simply kind of suddenly go quiet and change the subject – they feared me going off about their topic or judging them for their judgment towards others – fuick – because yeah back then I used to be just reacting the whole fucking time to what they were talking about – thus they opted to just talk about weather and health whenever I was eating with them – to which at that stage I would sort of react and eat as quick as possible just to not feel the ‘tenseness’ of the moment and I can recognize how from there I created my own schedule to eat at ease alone and not creating an interruption in their usual ways – and thus kind of secluded myself in that way for quite some time. I still have a different time of eating as the rest of my family though when I do get to eat with them I am more open and try to actually discuss stuff that matters to them as their own personal experiences, habits, points that they are working with, etc.
So what I am basically linking here is my experience with people here and people in my family wherein I became the point of ‘fear’ and the point of ‘authority to be feared’ of. One of them just after we ‘ended’ the reunion tonight said ‘well done team’ but only looking at the other three so it’s quite obvious that they see still see ‘me’ in opposition to the rest, not that it really bothers me for now -I made clear that I don’t want people taking this personal, that it’s all about common sense.
Now, I see the tightening is actually coming from myself wherein these type of events that occur are actually points that bother me and thus I tighten up, it’s not really about them, they only exist in fear when they don’t do the shit so that’s the point.
So, in conclusion after I told them: please, be direct, say what you have to say here to my face because I don’t like keeping ‘gaps’ between that are created by misunderstandings – like one of them assumed I turned off the internet sometime so that they’d stop being in the kitchen or something late at night so ! obviously clarified I wouldn’t ever dare to do that and that it’s always on – so see how people can really take things personal and it’s just not cool man, lots of misunderstandings can be created if points aren’t clarified right away – yet I see people are not used to being just honest – not self honesty hey, just ‘honest’ – and speak what’s on their mind in the moment, I could see them rolling eyes, some plain laughing at what I was saying so, I simply said, okay talk! you’re just laughing come on, talk! you know like almost even then laughing along just to ease the moment because man! basic common sense is not lived – and it’s not that it’s deliberate – at least that’s what I see I want to ‘believe’ in – but also see how some really forget like men specifically do forget, they don’t really ‘care’ it’s in their design though both men were the ones that recognize that they will ‘push’ themselves to do it – from women, pff not so much I can say, they half-way asserted on points, mainly clarified that they’ve taken it personal and that it’s not cool yet we apparently ended the discussion in ‘good terms’ – apparently.
So conclusions, after an hour and a half of it all I can say is we’ll see. I don’t want to create a hostile environment as I can see some really already kind of fear me so, that’s obviously not cool. So will simply be more flexible yet within the bounds of common sense – maybe this second talk clarified many points and may create an actual consideration this time. I’m also aware this will take constant impulsing and/or reminders like stickers around – some like it some don’t but until those that do like to be reminded don’t need to be reminded anymore, I’ll use them as a form of support.
And most importantly I have to really work this with myself, the point of flexibility now because I can see 4 being kind of being ‘against’ it so this doesn’t mean that I am ‘wrong’ as by hearing to their excuses and justifications, it’s more like they don’t really care where/how they live – yet I can see I can get quite obsessive and exaggerated at times so will make sure I keep it practical and not getting a notch too high for it yet impulsing people around to become more self responsible.
Okay time to sleep overdue here -thanks for reading
Please place feedback if you have any -thank you
Man, quite a thing to be opposed by a ‘majority’ eh! yet stand by what makes common sense which in the end is like they don’t ‘like it’ because it takes will, that’s what one of the guys said which is cool that he recognized – I simply was bothered by the one that didn’t speak at all and looked away the whole time like literally being there just by force of it – so, I asked her ‘Say something! and I joked about her speaking up and saying even something like ‘you are crazy and paranoid!’ – meaning towards me – and she only said, but well that’s already been said to you by everyone else! lol I mean I really don’t care about that type of comments lol I’m only bothered by people not speaking up which reflects then me as t times I’ve kept silence and not spoken up.