I’ve finally finished school since last week and I went to my home city and spent time with my parents and definitely enjoyed walking and seeing the birds going to their area of rest when the sun is falling down. I enjoyed the cold – well lol our cold which is what… 14 degrees? lol and this time I just stayed at home, I didn’t had the desire to go out or anything like that. I stood at home and used the time to play with some guitar and singing and playing music and making some cards for my sister to give away for x-mas and going out to eat and so forth.
I see that my parents have gotten into a sybarite type of living due to them being alone and thus mostly having no constant reference of what the fuck is going on in this world and thus I pointed that out and my mother’s excuse is a blunt sentence ‘But I like it’ – so, yeah I mean, after all these years of constantly talking about the reality and money and process and sharing some videos in spanish and so on, it will mostly be just too difficult, way too diffi-cult to make them realize that this world exists the way it is because of people exerting their free will into this world with such blatant excuses as ‘I like it’ and ‘I’ve worked hard to get it’ – you know?
I can only say that it is quite a double blindfold when people are aware of process yet they deliberately decide not to do ANYTHING about it , like my parents who claim to care and ‘do what they can’ but man… do they? lol no, I don’t think so – my mother said they support me in process and all I’m doing yet the one thing she doesn’t get is the point of hair lol so I didn’t even go into discussions with that at all anymore and I won’t go into analyzing what I saw in her face as she was sharing this particular judgment – all I am is what I stand for and me being certain about myself standing within this is all that matters.
While walking in the time around sunset I would go into these thoughts of loneliness and also all the amount of memories of the accumulation of past years around this time of the year with xmass as a point of triggering depression within me and it seems to be even an acquired pattern from my father who would also go into depression mode around x-mass – I would get sad for people having their joy and fun and buying all loads of shit they want while there are others that have nothing to eat, no sweater to wear or no decent meal to even go through the day and thus would become sad and depressed about the world – that was quite some years ago and thus I would simply resort to scape into my own created misery, pity and depression to not face myself within it all. Man, those were really hideous years when having to deal with fucking suicidal friends around xmas or drug overdosed friends – well it was the same guy all the time lol – and his compulsive shopping to hide away the inner sorrow, literally I saw how this operates in a very close way around xmas specifically and you know, in the one hand he was carrying his prozac and paxil and in the other hand he was carrying a prada bag – really fucked up yet this is how millions exist and probably the most deceptive beings that exist because behind the apparent super—fun-enjoyment faces they buy for themselves, they hide the most extensive amount of inner-struggle and sorrow that they buy away with expensive shit – and! giving away to others as well, as a show of ‘caring’ – yes I got some outflows of that as well – yet abusing themselves extensively.
Today I took a cab home as the trip got me a bit dizzy and I happened to ask the taxi driver about his job and he just replied that he could write a book about his experiences, that he’d seen it all. Really listening to his stories got me even more dizzy about how he’d been mugged and robbed with guns pointed at his head, he’d had his car stolen once being threaten by a man with a gun, then some other time a woman with a long coat just opend it all up and she was only wearing underwear and claimed she had no money to pay with so,…. that they had to figure out how to pay and thus she basically wanted to trick him to have sex while a car next to them approached them, threatened him to get ‘in the game’ and because he said he had no money, the woman just got out of the car and into the car of the robbers and ran away…. so sex hooks for robberies yes – then he also told the story of being robbed by a family (!!!) like husband, wife and two kids ! I mean wtf!!! that one I was really surprised about, and the kids were aware of what was going on…. man! Yet at the same time I saw how the taximeter was moving REALLY fucking fast and so I only noticed only after a long time so fuck, I got duped as well because I’m sure that it was altered to move faster than it usually does. Man! how fucked up is this world!!
Okay then got ‘home’ and ta ra ra! after having discussed with my dear home mates, and even having left a list of ‘reminders’ like watering plants and taking garbage out…. sink filled with dishes, a Mountain of garbage piled up, the street was probably cleaner than the floor in the kitchen…. oh god. I just breathed, and started cleaning, I mean what the fuck I wasn’t going to even be able to prepare some coffee being in a shithole like that – So yeah, I basically wasted the time talked with …w ait a minute not even kids, kids would actually get it right away, no – talked with semi-teen-adults that believe themselves to be ‘fully capable of living alone’ yet not being capable of doing shit about the points we discussed, it’s like it only had an effect for less than 24 hours I can assure you and only while I was here as the constant ‘reminder’ of ‘do your shit’ – ‘clean your shit’ – nah, they didn’t so… and I ended up doing it.
So… it’s people like this that I won’t simply allow to exist in an Equal World, where they simply disregard common sense deliberately, seems almost on purpose or their laziness is just almighty and powerful to overcome the least will they could have to do the shit. I mean, seriously fucked – and the majority is fucked here because they can’t even tell to each other to do the things, oh no! that would be too fucking much to ask so… yes USELESS to simply allow them to leave the shit piling up until ‘they do it’ – didn’t happen they didn’t do it and simply kept piling up.
Really fucking disgusting man, but what can I do in such case then? I mean yeah I can become the fucking ogre and yell at them, will they change? unlikely, they will most certainly end up just loathing me and not do it lol.
Anyways… I saw an ‘old friend’ at school, the one I lived with, the one I stoppe living with when I got into process and stopped weed and had huge fight over cleanliness…. yes the reason why she moved out as well – and some other ‘friend’ that was very fond of me yet this time just made a definitive distinction on not treating me as ‘before’ and treating my friend as ‘more than’ and giving all attention to her and so lol the first thing he said to me is: I don’t have facebook anymore – and I was like eh? so what? and he started complaining about the shock he got out of people and what they post there – so I though oh lol he probably saw my page and thinks I’m into something – so, yeah I was already wondering for a long time why he was so fond of me if we clearly have no ‘points in common’ anymore – I was ‘friends’ with him in the first year of school then we ended up separating because he kind of dissed my work indirectly once while trying to enhance his ego and then kind of forgave the point and talked to each other again… yet damn how deceptive people are, even the people that claim to ‘really appreciate you’ can be the most deceptive ones when they simply can’t agree with something you are. I’ve definitely noticed these type of actions from people that I was familiar with in the past and that definitely changed after I came back from SA, people I would work with closely or even was related with at some level.
What this triggered is the thoughts of really just being alone like all people I’ve known I no longer can relate to, not even the one ‘friend’ I had left in my home city, as he is also too busy with seeing ‘beauty in life’ and everyone is just busy trying to build a castle in the sky to make their lives less miserable probably and so because I stand as the needle that bursts all bubbles they simply run away from me. So it is quite difficult to find people that are able to stand and ‘handle’ our stance really, one can deduce how this world is the way it is as a reflection of the majority of people in it, no wonder, no questions asked I mean, yes the taxi driver is complaining about the situation yet he is fucking deceptive with his own taximeter! wtf! all because of money and with regards to people, all because of not caring about basic common sensical living – all because of wanting to be special and ‘enjoy life’ with ‘beauty and whatthefucknot!’ I can see myself as bitter in my writing at the moment lol but I rather say ‘realistic’ – thus the point of ‘loneliness’ along with these series of events wherein I realize like ‘hey I am alone and people just run away from me’ that I tend to doubt about myself and thinking ‘oh maybe I’m just too harsh, maybe I’m exaggerating, maybe I could still hang out with this and that if.. ‘ etc all self-compromising points really yet they come on aboard still… but even like today having this short interaction with these guys that used to be part of my ‘friends’, I mean only to do what? to talk about your regular type of irrelevant shit, so that also allows me to see how I certainly don’t wanna waste my time that way.
I see I simply have to remove the self experience of ‘loneliness’ and accept myself as being alone here and just continue because I can see that compromising myself just to have someone to talk to is not acceptable nor would I stand it, lol definitely not so, this is it walking process for me – even if at the eyes of my family I am excluding myself from this world and from everyone etc – I am certainly not up for faking myself just to have someone to go and have some coffee with. Am I being too radical? Probably yet it is the only way to actually stop re-creating the previous patterns wherein I gave in too much to be accepted – even if I believed myself to not be doing so, I did, and thus I remain here just constant with myself – I see the point of wanting to create a future point of being able to have someone to talk to openly in my reality so, yeah that is possible yet certainly not ‘here’ at the moment.
I can see how the point with this guy just ‘excluding me’ deliberately in the conversation reminded me of the times around childhood where my so-called ‘friends’ would deliberately make me aside from their games or their conversations and would almost enjoy the fact that I would get affected from being left aside, out of the game so to speak – how I suffered back then! man, I would get home and cry because I couldn’t believe that these girls, my ‘best friends’ could be deliberately ignoring me while few months behind they had written me these valentine’s cards of ‘best friends’ and shit like that. So I endured the points of being backstabbed or realizing the deception of friendship at a very very early age, around 7 or 8 I’d say. At that time my mother would speak to these girls’ mothers and ask them what was going on with their kids towards me… and I would only start crying because of having to experience the point of my mother having to do that so that I could stop being silently bullied by these ‘friends’ of mine – So rejection was the point there, feeling rejected and this is the point that might’ve emerged today yet not within the same context as it is more of seeing it as a point of shutting off future support in terms of gathering people to stand …. man, at this literal stage I’m in, it seems quite difficult. I do remember these type of experiences being shared by my resonances and how it would seem really ‘tough at times’ – well I can certainly say this is one of the ‘harsh’ parts wherein one realizes that the world is really not ‘naturally’ going to stand up for Equality and that no matter the amount of common sense a being might have, the actual fact of people standing, man it’s like asking for people to come back to life from the dead, literally.
So, it’s cool to write this out because I can see where I had the least traces of value placed onto people, where I’ve created expectations, where I had still created ideas of people’s appreciation towards myself as ‘real’ and so forth. people that I met back in the beginning of my career are the ones that have really stepped aside from my current stance but at the same time, I’m getting to know other people from younger generations so that’s cool as well.
For now, all I can see is that I am my own point of support and I won’t say ‘oh I don’t need and require them’ because we are all human beings and human interaction is fundamental in this process to realize what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become. – so, I have to also remove all barriers I’ve created to not have to go into any type of relationship again and thus creating a friction that is creating also this bridge of separation towards beings.