x-mess times

 

So, I went downtown on saturday to go and see a certain exhibition at the museum. I had considered that it would be quite packed due to vacation and so forth but man, never considered to what extent.

I saw many things that regularly strike me when going out like the amount of people that are simply moving this way everyday and in a forced way due to money, having to get a job and having to survive in this world, doing the same over and over and over again. Living in this city is really something that is out of hand for those that have to cruise it every day. And I have had for a long time now the constant thoughts of the amount of people there is in this world, I imagine how all the amount of people that my eyes are able to reach while being riding the metro/subway train all take a shower, all eat, all shit, all move with money, all have a job, all sustain the entire system as it is. It’s most likely overwhelming to give in to these thoughts not to mention that it’s just one single train out of hundreds not to mention the streets, houses, cars – man! the pollution is just so extensive I could definitely sense it right away, and I felt how my nostrils would be stuffed right away, generating mucuous so that the general mixed gases known as smog would not get fully into my lungs.

Seeing sad faces in the bus, you know these kind of drone-out sights that people get at when gazing at one single point with eyebrows slightly raised and not moving for a moment until something happens that makes them ‘snap out’. I see kids and parents getting on the bus, I see old people barely being able to climb on to the bus – I see people claiming to have only a ‘big bill’ thus not having any spare change to pay the ride fare.

On the streets and everywhere people seemed to just be seeking for stuff, money lending houses were packed as people place their stuff in there to be able to have some money to buy shit to ‘show their love’ to their ‘loved ones’. Oh man, it was really chaotic seeing people with bags and bags – I even entered one of this famous clothing store, it’s not a cheap one really and I just gave a 2 minute walk inside – or even less than that lol – and I guess that’s when I gave into the whole ‘too much people’ experience which then got me into having a huge headache.  During those minutes I saw people obsessively looking at the clothes, all mostly like cocktail clothes deliberately targeted for ‘christmas and new years’ eve dinners’ and people definitely fall for that – almost grabbing anything that they see just to be able to then line up at the 20 people queue for paying purposes. It was HOT inside, people wearing coats and sweaters and shit just because fashion dicktates so because, man we really don’t have such fuzzy winters here, it was probably 24 degrees outside lol. Anyways, I definitely could barely walk through people in the store, and it was just such like a boiling pot in there that I seriously CANNOT understand how people enjoy going shopping during these days of the year, and cannot comprehend how some even dare to say it’s part of the ‘christmas spirit’ – I mean, I recognize I went to the ‘center of the world’ meaning being downtown mexico city in one of the main avenues in a shop and on saturday lol yes quite naïve from me but got to see the extent of what people put themselves through for the sake of this whole mind-controlling business which is christmas. 

Seriously the point I see I ‘gave into’ the experience is when waiting for the green light for us to be able to cross the street and just seeing hundreds and hundreds walking in that streets, thousands literally like a sea-wave of people oh fuck, so that was really something else, quite overwhelming and I gave into it even though I remembered how it is important to just walk and get to where you have to be and not participate in the thought of being overwhelmed, but I didn’t. I didn’t only see people, I saw almost like scavenging people just like in a ‘rush’ for buying and getting shit and  yeah almost barbaric really and thus everytime I see such amounts of people I see the entire picture that this world might seem at these times of the year like just plain savages going buying as if it was a fucking law to do so. No way, and then the traffic…. fuck! literally like everyone either running away or something lol. Then I dared to go to the supermarket LOL what a bad idea, I did almost the same as when going into that shop. Was there 5 minutes and saw the queue and amount of people and said: fuck no and left the place – headache was already compounding there, I just wanted to get home and eventually did but the headache had escalated to an unbearable point – I took a shower, salt and apple cider vinegar and the headache became worse and worse. I cleaned my room and tried to just ease out the pain with painkiller lol what a funny name ‘pain-killer’ but didn’t work either so I ended up going to sleep quite early.

This might seem quite almost taken out of a book but sometimes the world overwhelms me, seeing the amount of people, the faces, what they are talking about, how they are moving, what they are doing, what moves them in the first place is quite something to see and realize.

 

Most of the times I see all these type of small dishonest moves I mean, really people can be that careless to just not give a fuck about another in regular places like the subway or when walking on the street or wherever. So, a constant thought that comes out is: man and you want all these people to agree with common sense? highly doubtful – yet not impossible either. It’s not difficult to see to what extent this whole machine is operating, one just has to go out into the world, and see what moves people, what’s their ‘motive’ to move one single day, it’s always about something that will make you ‘happy’, something that’ll give you ‘money’, and ‘experience’. I simply can’t stand the fact that we have such huge differences between people, I can’t bare the thought of having those that can wipe their ass with money while someone has to endure this constant chaos every single day of their lives to BARELY make a living – that is fucking real in this country as we have one of the richest men in the world which obviously indicates that we are one of the most submissive and careless population, a population that isn’t having the initiative to have collective actions to demand basic rights and sue companies for all types of abuse – nope, we’re the last one in the list in latin america to care about any collective actions. Not to mention all the drug-traffic matters in this country which are reflecting only the greedy nature of those that are in positions of being able to fool everyone to get their way. Man not to mention the extensive belief system here and how millions believe in saints and gods and whatnot to the extent of ‘walking’ on their knees to a church as a way to offer themselves to some virgin.

I can’t literally conceive how people manage to live in this city, no wonder all the crazyness that is floating around in people searching a way to numb themselves from this chaos – the image of a gas station worker smoking a cigarrette in his 5 minute break from his work of pumping gas on to people’s cars for a salary of 5 american dollars a day, that cigarette represents his only moment of heavenly experience in between his routine at work.  He was giving a puff to it and you could see in his expression how it was ‘heaven’ for him.

Not to mention the thousands or probably millions that go around with any form of anti-depressant, anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety shit inside themselves to cope with the city – no wonder drugs have been made legal just so that people can cope with this world.

 

Man, I cannot say anything else but seeing this world at a borderline where either we stop or we end it all in a bad bad manner and for the best of all. I don’t care if I have to die for the sake of a cleansing on Earth – life cannot go on like this and I am being bluntly fucking honest because just one single day, man not even a whole day, few hours into the picture of what goes around in this world can lead you to see how this system is just plain ILL and has to be stopped, also people have to STOP reproducing themselves, have to STOP believing that buying shit will represent their care for others I mean that’s the extent of mind control we are living in.

 

I can get easily annoyed by this world that’s what I’ve seen and so I have to take it easy and simply not participate into the experience that the world generates within me otherwise, I will only make it difficult or impossible for me to move in this world. I’m not even mentioning the countless amounts of people begging for money, the stories people share with each other or how they go making their lives more ‘bearable’.

 

Another point I’ve seen is how my life has changed in terms of not seeking an experience anymore and literally directing me to go out and actually doing it as a point of facing the world as well. But I see how if people would care about getting themselves to be intimate with themselves, a lot would change like people would stop seeking forms of escapism from reality but instead would face it while being fully aware that the experience created is not real and thus unnecessary to put ourselves through something that will ever remotely be of support.

 

The image of kids is how I want to end this – whenever I see kids, small babies I can only see the future of the world and already suffering literally having to be transported in such a hasty and contaminated city, a ruthless city, learning the ways of how to move around even if they aren’t able to physically stand by themselves yet I mean, do we really want this for our children? NO! Obviously not and there’s no other choice but to live here and move otherwise there’s no food, there’s no support or regard for anyone that isn’t contributing to the system. The smile of such kids is usually only a reminder of what I’m walking and what unconditional expression is and what life has to become for all to have a life that is away from this current way of existing which is not sustainable at all.

So, we are in this world, we are in this system and as such, we have to make this the most livable possible way and this is why we are doing what we are doing, this is how we stand and move and this is how we see the world and thus make sure we stop all points of support to the same machinery ourselves.

 

Thus I gave into the ‘chaos’ and definitely saw that I wasn’t supporting myself or the whole as I give into hostility and general annoyance while having a mind-numbing headache that doesn’t really support myself here.

 I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be affected by the image of the amount of people downtown.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the THOUGHT of so many people in this world shitting and eating and drinking and using water and showering to get to a point of being disgusted by the entirety of humanity

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant judgment towards beings while passing by as a general ‘mass’ that I had to go through to reach the subway and thus creating a sense of hatred within me to the entirety of the world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the ‘stress’ of the city within me manifested as the entirety of my moves and a constant state of mind as if I was running to get something or from something –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about breathing and just wanting to get home to be at ease and in silence.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the extent of abuse, of life disregard in the city, to be overwhelmed by the pollution, by the amount of people on the streets.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the world to end in that moment because I cannot see Earth keeping up with the rate that human beings are leading their ‘lives’ at this stage.

 

Okay, that’s it had to let it all out

 

thanks for reading

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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