Directing Writing

 
Quantum Process is the latest process support point that lays out the points on walking process within writing and vlogging and sharing done by Sunette.

While listening to the video I could see those points within my initial application and then to see where I am now within that wherein the writing hasn’t been constant as I used to do before, so I direct myself within this.

I see that I’ve created a difference to the beginning of process where I took most of the prominent experiences and points on and wrote them all out so the current mind-experience is as if ‘I had squeezed it all’ already which is really not so I mean, layers are peeled but it isn’t really ‘done’ at all no.

Let’s take an example of a simple point/pattern and something that has come up today discussing the particular video with people on youtube. tHe smoking weed point and stopping which is one of the points I’ve taken on and which I am frankly satisfied that I’ve definitely stopped – I can still at let’s same moments when I’m alone like lol let’s say everyone goes out of the house or there’s no one at the house I live in mexico city and the thought comes up like the flash of ‘oh yes this is the perfect moment for…’ and the actual initial trigger-point is shot for smoking weed which is something I definitely-obviously won’t allow but it’s fascinating how that came up. Or those temporary moments wherein I tend to go into the mind within a certain experience of ‘yearning for the past’ otherwise known as ‘melancholy’ or mellow alcoholism’ lol wherein you know the music, the time, the setting is ‘apt’ for smoking and literally like I can see that initial trigger just there floating above which I simply just burst and breathe and keep going – I mean that’s the type of let’s say mind-seductions I’ve experienced even more so throughout december which in my past I created or defined as the special moment to just ‘take off’ and scape from this reality – probably because of linking xmas with some small part of the entire world population daring to yell out ‘Merry xmas’ and go throwing binges while the majority is just dying out of hunger and a large group basically striving to be able to ‘one day’ get to that same ‘level’ of those who ‘rejoice’ in the juices of their money – man, and within that I live in a family wherein there are juices that are rejoiced and thus I used to ‘fight’ against the tide meaning in terms of what my family do and how it’s celebrated by being high. I even have this x-mas eve picture with my then friend that came over to ‘spend xmas’ and in this picture we’re both just with our eyes completely sunk after having eaten dinner to calm the cravings after smoking – man, that was me and I can’t definitely see myself wearing those shoes I use to wear now – yet the thought of ‘oh this or that friendship’ still arises! so that’s just one single example of how even if the entirety of our current reality has nothing to do with ‘who we were’ in the past, the thoughts as resonant let’s call it in my case ‘escapism’ still exist! and so, there’s nothing else to do but just literally shutting them off because it’s like when we go finding a piece of the puzzle and make one match the space that it’s missing yet it’s not the actual piece and so it’s a similar experience wherein this thought that pops up cannot match ‘who I am’ here in the moment, yet, due to a series of variables existent in a determined moment, they come up and present themselves such as:

being alone, no one is home, then the mind goes to ‘let’s do something forbidden!’ lolol that’s how my mind used to work so now if I follow that for a moment it’s like ‘okay yes! let’s play loud music’ which I then simply see as something that last only some time as I don’t want to nag the neighbors either and it’s obvious that it’s mostly done out of the ‘experience’ that I used to seek or create for myself specifically when being ‘alone’- so, that applies for let’s say smoking weed or sometimes it was drinking – I mean any and all ways I could use to get some ‘excitement’ in my life. So now even if I give ‘head’ to that, it doesn’t last so next time it’s just like ‘nah, definitely not going there’ because I’ve seen beforehand they won’t lead anywhere.

The same with yearning ‘friendships’ and these type of picked up relationships I created for myself – picked up as in ‘few’ ones I got to have or create for myself – and I see myself going into memories which is a point that is constantly impulsed at the moment due to being in my home city which implies that exbfs and ex-friends are here so, another set of variables is being in this city and living near these people and then seeing these people doing their thing and living on their life basically on the same track as before which is then once again, trying to fit a piece in a puzzle that has no more space in it – yet the mind still ‘goes there’ so what I do is let’s say I’m walking and these thoughts arise so I simply speak self forgiveness in the moment out loud and also enjoy the point of talking it out for myself in that moment talking how it’s created, what triggered it which is all basically self-referenced through how I intricately built this web for myself as ‘my life’.

Man, I’ve said this probably before but anyways, I really put effort into designing the ‘me’ I wanted to be lol so now I am basically having to be as specific as I was to create myself as that ‘ideal’ type of person who I actually kind of ‘reached’ right before beginning process’ to then come back to simplicity.

Another example that I’ve seen as I’m here around my ‘cradle’ so to speak – clothes. I used to be as specific in clothing as the way I wanted to portray myself so you can imagine the type of artsy type of clothes that I had, I mean, geez it’s like seeing costumes now really and I must say that the simplicity of clothing ourselves for practical matters and for the actual comfort of ourselves I actually saw and learned in am ore direct manner at the Desteni Farm wherein I definitely adopted a more simple way of dressing myself to the point where my cupboard has oversimplified of the amount of clothes that I actually now wear compared to the entire wardrobe I had before – so that’s another practical point that I’ve taken on and adopted as myself which is part of re-creating myself in simplicity because really, I had adopted ways of for example how my family operates within that wherein there is apparently never ‘enough clothes’ – we can see how this clothes point is also reinforce within the current system to keep producing and keep having people to buy such production.

Here I see the paintings, the cd’s the books I own, quite a few of them some that I bought to ‘someday read’ just because of following a certain type of ‘trend’ within the type of person I wanted to become – lol as also having studied literature – and I’d say the same with art which is something that I’m actually currently now just walking till the end.

On art and that point of expression – man, at the moment the word that came is ‘drought’ experiencing an ‘emptyness’ in terms of what to draw or there not being any actual desire to draw and thus when I direct myself it’s like okay, yes, draw, lines, shapes, forms, done – not really anything ‘beyond’ that which is simply a point that reveals to me how I tried to create an experience of myself through art which then obviously dried-out the same as any and all experiences and that’s where I’m standing at the moment – I have to actually be working on future projects to take on and I don’t have any in terms of graphic work. So, yes I can see that this is like a ‘lock’ in my current point of expression within that realm as well as my ‘personal realm’ wherein there are no extra-ordinary events going on. Like I can say my point at the moment is being able to actually uncover the point that’s tampering my expression within art for example because I do still see it as completely useless and I always come full circle to that point even though many have shared how it actually supports and how it works but nope, I definitely see that the actual supportive point is this one wherein we share what we live without having to create an artifact – lol I know I might be digging my own grave but hey that’s part of going through this re-discovery process within a point of expression so – I see myself within such point at this stage.

So, what I’ve enjoyed lately is creating videos which is something that I do enjoy doing… that’s something I actually remember expressing at the farm as something I would actually enjoy doing, making videos lol who doesn’t make videos nowadays really or shots films or records or takes pictures – everyone so that’s also another point that has gotten me to this ‘lock’ in expression wherein the ‘specialness’ of my current’ profession’ is being extended outside of any particular ‘boundary’ – so I mean this is actually really cool from the equality perspective as all that currently can afford it, can discover how cool it is to work and experiment this yet within the current system wherein I’ve foolishly indulged into ‘studying art’ is obviously just like anything else wherein it’s a good business for some and bad for the rest – just another fucking pole-game in this world and so, at this stage points that are required to ‘make it’ in the art world are based on sucking people’s boots to talk about you, to get media’s attention, to get exhibitions and so forth – I’ve seen a bit of that, I don’t want that unless I can use it for the sake of Equality, yet what I definitely want to be is just a life-support point that’s all I care about and so, I forgive myself that I ‘ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the ways that I can support myself and others in equality – see how I tend to limit myself within the possibilities.

so, what I’ll be doing this new semester that will begin is to actually direct myself within creating something that I can say ‘this is me and this is who I am at this moment’ because I can say I wasn’t satisfied with what I did this last semester, which I justified as being ‘the settling in’ again yet not really so, it was just the product of being disillusioned about the whole art-thingy in this world, and just an outflow of dissolving the remains of my ever placed ‘dream’ of ‘becoming an artist’ which I am mostly at this stage only ‘reminded’ by people in my family that ask if I’m painting or what I’m ‘working on’ so lol, yeah I haven’t been ‘working’ although tomorrow I’ll start with a painting that I literally owe to my sister as a wedding present from a year ago that she got married and I wasn’t here – so I saw the space in her house for it and decided to ask here what she wants and just make it for her. So, yes I prepared the canvas today and remembered what it is to stand in front of a blank canvass – too bad I cannot paint ‘whatever I want’ because I do have a guideline of what she wants yet, it’s like a promised thing that I am now doing.

Man, I finish this writing and my head goes like pff there’s nothing really fucking relevant to share, it’s just like ‘stuff’ so that’s a general though I’ve also had about sharing myself, seeing it as ‘the usual ‘ lol so kind of coming from a point of perhaps wanting to experience something ‘beyond usual’ to actually share which I haven’t done either because it all boils down to being ‘part of the usual ‘lolol so the chain is just broken and exposed and….I’ll continue later.

thanks for reading if you got here! lol oh and sharing this cool word that I got from Kelly’s vlog on Rome the series, civilian – see-evil-I an which is how it sounded the moment it was spoken which is a word that’s used for the ‘correctness’ of man as a rightful, respectful, responsible being in society according to the structure of our current system which in fact is nothing but a slave dressed in human-rights clothing. Lol

So, see the evil I am and have become as a human being that stands within the name of a certain identity within the system as being ‘part’ of the system of actual evil – see evil I an – civilian, being a ‘citizen’ just names and roles for ‘rights and obligations’ that serve only some

time to stop and support the actual benefit for all so we should be called the beastians instead of the ‘civilians’ the best for all I am – lol

ok that’s it!

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About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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