Ok I’m here to write the hell out of a point I have been ‘dancing’ in myself for a while which is recalling and recapitulating to further reboot of this point which came up today – well one of them.
I am making this painting for my sister as I explained and so I had actually resisted this point and as I wrote this I just rubbed my face with my hand first of all because there were ‘specifics’ on how to do it, then the second point is because I hadn’t actually painted in a long long time I mean my brushes were stiff and just probably almost 2 years without being used. Then, after spending the day yesterday preparing the canvass and so on – which is another test of patience for me as I usually just want to start and get it all done right away- I finally started today and well I got to face the point of ‘recapitulating’ my life within that single moment like ‘how did I get here’ to this point of ‘liking to do this’ lol really it was that weird because the smell was definitely getting all over the place and then I started looking within myself at all the points that I totally disregard when deciding to study art. Man! and within that single choice in life – which was actually a second choice – which also today has a direct link to the first initial career choice as I’ll explain later – and thus how my entire choice of career as ‘arts’ was deliberately taken just as another way to escape this world, not wanting to be part of the system I mean, self honestly here I just wanted that someone would magically appear in my life that would be completely daunted with ‘my art’ and thus kind of like in the music business you got people ‘signing you’ I wanted that to happen to me, to just get a contract and then get famous and be influential in this world and earn good money to afford my dream-life of ‘traveling around the world’ – I mean, my early hero in my career was Gabriel Orozco who happened to study at my school but yeah obviously he had a father that was an artist and thus the entire support of the industry as ‘all eyes on him’ to get to be who he is today you know? that entire epitome of ‘the famous one’ lol – okay just that quick note on that. So, that was my starting point so the point how this connects to where I am at this moment currently in process is having to face that point of finishing a career that I chose while being in that ‘state of mind’ of all of the above mentioned which was quite something and I mean I’m still walking it and will have to keep doing it till I get the title with thesis and all of that work – to me this has been as something that I’ve previously identified as walking my own timeloop because of having to now that I’ve completely ‘veered’ from that ‘me’ that ‘chose’ to ‘be an artist’ I still have to play the game – so all in all it’s quite an awkward experience having to be doing something that I’ve lost that sense of enjoyment for as it is now – I got some feedback from resonances how I used art to create an experience, an extra-ordinary experience within my life which is usually like ‘ordinary’ and ‘routinary’ so I used art or expression as a way to make it ‘my thing’ which was just another pillar of the creation of the persona that I wanted myself to be – which I’ve also explained a bit yesterday on the previous post – lol wrote pots – Well yes, I have to open up the point wherein I consider that the ‘best’ stuff I’ve made so far in all types of creation has been under the influence of either alcohol or weed – yes that’s the barenaked truth of it and …. even though I’ve self forgiven that in the past and stopped the idea, I see how the ‘experience’ or like getting into ‘the entire role’ is what I did to create that stuff – and relying much on my ability to imagine and man! having all types of ideas of having a mission in life to create a type of ‘sacred art’ or something that was an art dedicated to ‘heal humanity’ you know? that’s when I got quite deep into jodorowsky as well and other stuff – but anyways that point is extensive to explain – getting back to here today
The point here is to see how today while painting, first of all I didn’t comply that much to the set-up my sis had laid out so I kind of just did my thing and I had this thought of ‘it doesn’t really matter what I do, they always end up liking what I do’ – so I see that within that initial thought which is present the moment I create a painting or drawing ‘for someone’ is then like getting into an over-confidence state wherein it’s like ‘ah, don’t worry, it’ll be fine’ so in a way it’s like trusting myself into creating something yet at the same time as I go by I saw myself going into all types of judgments which were ‘familiar’ from the times when I painted something ‘for someone’ or for some specific purpose – mostly with paintings that my mother or someone else had requested me to do – sisters mostly or any other person with some specific image – and then seeing myself as ‘incapable’ of matching the ideal of those people’s idea of how they want their painting and thus going into a bit of an experience of disliking just painting because it’s conditioned – yet at the same time I see myself going into comparison points like pff how many would like to be studying art and being able to paint and here I am just ‘complaining’ about it – seeing all the details that I didn’t see before deciding to study art like how economically inconvenient it is to study this and I mean, this is kind of a point of ‘regret’ for me to walk through, having taking this decision of studying art and as Bernard mentioned in such a cool and direct way I experience just that, having walked through four years of my life within a career where I know beforehand that is completely literally useless in terms of even having a cool knowledge-base in terms of what I’m actually now veering towards and thus this point of me painting once again stirred up points that I haven’t dealt with myself in terms of ‘making art’ and having to ‘create art’ – I mean, the stuff I made last semester seriously I’m not ‘proud’ of that as ‘my creation’ and I actually self-judged my work which was confirmed by the feedback I got from one of my teachers lol though I am perfectly aware I did that on purpose, wanting to ‘break the rules’ of how to use a technique which lead me to ruining one piece and over-working in others – such ‘teachings’ being able to be walked through art creation so, last semester was that type of … I sigh how can I call it? I scratch the top of my nose… I bite my lips and scratch my cheek – well in the beginning of the semester I justified it as ‘getting back to school’ and doing stuff which I kind of thought I would just ‘get back in track’ to actually drawing an working on that more as time progressed but, that didn’t happen.
And so to cut-the-chase with this explanation I can see the following: within the ‘art bubble’ bursting within me as it was and thus facing the actual just physical experience of being grabbing this oily stuff and inhaling toxic fumes from it all and smearing it on to a fabric trying to create something that I don’t plan or anything… it’s just odd! I mean, I am aware I’m being ‘over-judgmental about painting’ at this very moment But! man, I really have to let this out as I see it as the most useless thing I could be doing right now!! and so, in that single moment of thinking that it was inevitable to not look back at my choice of career, at my life, at who I was before with regards to ‘art’ and ‘painting’ and when on earth I considered myself to ‘be up for becoming a painter’ or something like that – I saw how all my plans were mostly always kind of floating in the air where I expected some ‘divine hand to guide me’ and lead me to do what it is that I ‘had to be doing’ so all pretty much based on faith, on belief, on hope and dreams – Yes! that’s who I was definitely and those are the words you can read in my old writings all over the place. So! that was me and thus getting to this point in my life where I’m one step close to the ‘end’ of my career and then realizing I am not actually interested in continuing creating art it’s quite a shock, because I am just not interested in continuing making etching or lithographs or .. painting.. man really a resurrection would have to happen for me to get to a point of actual activity-income possibility to make it a living-possibility – and that which I enjoy like editing videos is something that it’s becoming more and more a hobby, an activity that anyone nowadays can do thus the ability to make money out of that is just very little.
Self limitation there yes, but also I cannot focus myself on creating art while this world is the way it is – I just can’t and I’ve made vlogs about this, haven’t uploaded them but just as points of self-introspection to that point which as I’ve said I’ve ‘danced around with’ for a while – because, I cannot see myself being completely ‘directive’ yet within the art-scenario – I am simply kind of passing-by it and ‘getting it done’ but not really having any further interest of being part of that world – though yes I’ve known how being an artist is actually a cool platform and license to kind of say it all – just like the clown situation that Bernard explained in that video - being able to say and speak and shout and not be judged within the context of ‘society’ and ‘roles’ as an artist is that, such eccentric point of society. So, that I can see has nothing to do with actual ‘artwork’ you know? I was always kind of more attracted to the ‘idea’ of who an artist is than ‘what’ an artist does in terms of me becoming that because yeah of course I’ve been haunted and taunted with artwork and seeing paintings I mean till this day that point that I sometime explored about the visual vicious – I have simply accepted as it is, as a point of yes going to a museum, enjoying watching some paintings and that’s it – I mean it’s not like I cry over artwork anymore – lol – but I definitely still get impressed by images like that as I’ve shared here as well.
So, what I’m seeing here is how to direct this point wherein I can see that I can use the ‘role’ of being the artist not as someone that makes some external ‘work of art’ but becoming my own artwork, becoming my own point of creation and becoming my own process of self-perfection wherein my writing becomes that ‘work of art’ that is the re-creation of an entire persona – out of god’s hand into my own self-direction as who I really am as Life and thus this is what I’ve envisioned as my final thesis-work, simply taking on the process here as my ‘work of art’ lol I just wrote ‘rat’ – so I’ll stick with the point of defining art as that which exists in this reality to make us realize that this reality can be changed and modified by our direct intervention – and thus, I make that reality myself, my own ‘persona’ and the intervention, this self honesty process – and within that I declare being (re)creating myself as my own work of art – because that’s in the end what art represents in one of its myriad of possibilities: the ability to represent/present the ability to modify/change the world – so If I come from the starting point of ‘wanting to change the world’ I begin with myself as we all here walking this process know and thus, I take on this point as myself, my own re-designing and my own ‘playing God’ when realizing god’s been a fucker that placed limitations to not self realize – so, here we are, walking this ‘out of the ordinary’ process which is the first time in existence wherein we are literally acting against the flow of ‘god’s will’ lol, and that’s the real ultimate fucking revelation/rebellion of man.
I scratch my right index finger – direction, giving structure to the haze that I created for myself when and while painting into this utter judgmental point about my painting and work – yet I mean, yeah I’m aware I can do it and so I do it but I can see how I relied before a lot about these beliefs and ideas of ‘having a talent’ and ‘having a special something to do this’ so now it’s about actual work and that’s it.
Lol I just stopped for a moment to talk about death with my parents that come from a funeral – their second one in less than 3 days as on friday it was my aunt that died and so forth – cool my father says he’d always had the ‘belief’ that after everyone dies they just ‘disappear’ and return to ‘nothing’ whereas my mother with a more whitelight influenced mind still wants to hold on to the idea of being able to ‘talk with the loved ones’ through a channeler or in your dreams etc. Anyways the point is that I turned on cnn for a while again while eating a piece of apple pie they brought in and saw the current picture that they’re showing of this guy that shoot this congresswoman in Tucson and how he’s a bald head lol questioning the money and political system – yet obviously the guy was mentally deranged, pot smoker and righteous to his marrow of doing things ‘his way’ which obviously lead him to be ‘spot on’ within his community as a potential threat which eventually stopped becoming a threat into an actual crime perpetrator –and the point is right now bill maher is talking with this guy cooper and actually exposing the real points of how media tends to grab on to anything they can to create a profile of someone to find ‘patterns’ for potential future threats and going into such nonsense as blaming music or ‘his looks’ which is somewhat a visual point he took on to create an ‘impact’, a man that followed his mind possession to the point of killing – yet obviously the problem is not the availability of guns, the triggering of symbols, the music, the criticism towards the money system or political system itself but the actual conditions that are being disguised from anyone from actually exposing the actual state of this world and how we’ve accepted and allowed this – the shooter guy is actually an independent registered ‘politician’ so… yeah I laughed to see how the media tends to over-bake the actual cookie into a total ‘phenomena’ without seeing the basic-point which is how someone that is prone/ potentially harmful gets too much information and gets a gun and shoots a democrat politician. I mean, what are the odds really? People make so much fuss about this without seeing the actual crimes against life being taken on every single second in this world, not necessarily mentally-deranged people shooting others, but what about countries waging war against entire populations yet daring to call ‘terrorist groups’ people that over a period of few decades have killed 800 people? lol that’s an example of the ETA the Basque separatist organization in spain I mean, if we take on that measure it’s obvious that then the entire american army could be called the greatest terrorist threat to mankind, any army for that matter, any company that sets out any activity that will potentially kill or harm life – that’s all!
lol so now they are discussing the actual ‘gun possession’ permit I mean, get a grip people! it’s all about living in a world wherein sane people go insane when they allow themselves to be possessed by their mind the moment when it’s realized that this world is based on lies and thus a single-mined individual that wants a ‘change’ through his righteous way, gets to take on these type of ‘activities’ and kill fellow men – obviously we can see how people how anyone can get to his point if there is not enough self-support as life conditions for all out there, for people that see how things are and tend to follow a mind-breakdown instead of actually walking in for a solution with others, for the best of all life as we do.
Now, points that might come up now is – you know taking into consideration the state of paranoia or hysteria as bill maher pointed towards people now – how probably odd looking people will be tagged, bald heads will be tagged as potentially dangerous – I mean that happened back in columbine times wherein people into goth scenes wearing trench coats were pointed out as potential killers when the guys where just expressing themselves in their dark ways, that was it! If we start taking a look at the lives of these kids that grow into gunmen killin people, we will get more answers into seeing how a being is shaped then into just killers, nothing else and nothing more so –
Yeah here we declare how we can see in common sense how anyone attempting the life of another should be locked up to the least threat towards life, that’s simply unacceptable, no matter if their actual observations on the system made sense, anyone wanting to harm another is simply obviously into his mind and having no other ‘way’ out but being locked up in a mental institution.
SO! that’s actually quite cool as now anyone that dares to threaten another will be scrutinized and then taken care of accordingly, just as we heard on Bernard’s interview just today:
So, that’s it for today – cool opening up that point and finally seeing it for what it is.
thanks for reading – breathe here