Okay so I am opening a point that manifested yesterday, I recorded myself speaking about it and wrote the first part of this blog to see ‘where I stand’ within this as it’s clearly a time-loop point with regards to the very first point I directed myself with when beginning this process and somehow I have judged myself for having to ‘yet again’ write about this same point, this same relationship which I can see is just another layer having to be faced which indicates that I can’t just ‘get rid’ of a point like that and ‘be done with it’ – no, the fact that I had this emerging in dreams is also another indication of something having to be dealt with – I could say the ‘remains’ of that which I created as my ‘ideal relationship’ – lol which in the end is obviously not, but speaking from the context of ‘back then’ and how it used to be.
Swallow some saliva as I’m about to open up a point that I see is clearly ‘the point’ that is still lingering around and which has been manifesting in dreams again –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a resistance to open up this point and seeing it as something that ‘I thought I had opened up enough in the past’ yet, what’s manifesting is simply the layers of the entire point which I am here to face as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the self-judgment point of ‘I should’ve gotten this by now’ which is a recurrent thought-pattern that I’ve allowed as myself whenever this point comes up
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to open up this point before due to seeing it as a long-gone point within my reality yet not really ‘gone’ within the terms of completely letting go of it within myself.
Ok I drink a sip of coffee and the point is that very first relationship that I existed in and that very first person that I literally became obsessed with from a very young age with whom I then ended up being in an ongoing relationship for several years about 4 or so – on and off that is – and I had noticed that I had dreams about him yet couldn’t remember exactly what was it in the dream – I can see that the person in itself represents that entire relationship point and that person I’ve created as the entire ‘hold’ of ‘who I was’ meaning being like that ‘one point in my life’ that I gave up the moment that I decided to place myself fully and completely to this process – okay the thought that comes is: I’ve written about this a long time ago already, it was the ‘first point’ I took on to forgive myself for at the beginning of process and the actual point that I had to walk through – though! I even if I say to myself in the moment whenever this ‘yearning’ of maybe chatting with him or getting to see him, is something that would simply not match the imagination point of how I ‘imagine’ things would be with him as we are in our current reality completely off in different directions which is something that basically started when I got myself into process and from that moment I started revealing the entire deception that I had participated in within that relationship.
So I’ve identified ‘him’not really as the persona itself but as the epitome of relationship and the ‘hold’ of the personality that I shaped myself to be like: the entire rebellious point as being a ‘rebel’ himself, the weed point, the ‘free choice’ point wherein within that relationship I got to the ‘peak’ of myself as that personality I wanted to become, I got the acceptance of someone ‘like him’ within that and so that’s why I felt then the concept/ideal of ‘being loved/appreciated/wanted/needed’ for the first time in my life which had been something that I had been looking for in all ways and mostly creating also these ideals of ever maybe someday getting to be with this guy specifically over several years which eventually became a point of infatuation, that ‘platonic love’ wherein I created and developed that point of obsession for someone which is the pattern within the relationship that I supported.
So, once I ‘had’ him and I fought and strived to ‘keep him by my side’ – no matter how many other women he’ was able to get, the moment when everything was kind of leading up to a serious-point of kind of compromising, that’s the moment when I had to turn the whole thing off because I was beginning my process and I had at that time already identified ‘him’ as the point that I had to let go/give-up as he represented all that idea/personality/ego of myself which meant that keeping that single person in my life would represent the choice of keeping me as personality, keeping me as ‘ego’, ‘keeping me within the framework over years of designing myself to be specifically in a relationship with him, specifically – and thus it’s as if that ‘dream’ that I created and fed over a long period of time became ‘real life’ and it was there for me to take, literally golden platter, ‘all I ever wanted’ and In that moment I decided that I had to let go of it otherwise I would’ve simply locked myself into that systematic-point of life and I would’ve remained in the same preprogrammed life that I had walked up to that point – including that design of living ‘for someone’, being like an add-on to ‘someone else’s life’ and literally being just someone’s partner.
So, giving ‘him’ up, giving up that point that I believed/perceived and fooled myself within the idea of being ‘adored’ in that time, marked the beginning of process as with ending that relationship the weed was also gone and with that the entire persona that I had been feeding as my ego including that entire relationship-desire want and need which was actually based on self-abuse nothing else and nothing more – besides the mutual fueling of egos.
So, the re-emerging of him has come up in various points throughout these past 3 years wherein even while I was in process I tried to get along with and proved once again that I was only time-looping just to get to the exact same point – yet there was still this thoughts coming up as wanting to see him or talk to him which I know before hand it would lead nowhere! just plain fucked up really how the mind seems as if it is using the last remains of that person within my head as a point to say ‘hey but waaait!’ and that point came up in dream last night wherein I saw him and I don’t remember much about the context of it all, but one point is latent and that is that he was wearing silver shoes lolol like silver tennis shoes which is something that I obviously pointed out because he was/is a rather simple-guy in terms of dressing, using the same clothes almost every day so that stood out which I see as something that stands out signifying his current ways of being probably like more into ‘fashion’ and that stuff lol which is something I criticize and judge yet pff in the dream I know it’s all me so.. what could it be pointing out I don’t know right now, trying to look at it but can’t see it.
I had then other dreams before with him in it wherein he would just be completely alone in a house – nothing else really so the ‘saviour’ point is still there as wanting to ‘save him’ from that loneliness which is the role that I played within his life, that ‘eternal faithful companion’ that would go with him everywhere, me basically kidding myself to be ‘having a life’ with him yet at the same time submitting to that relationship just so that I could be part of another’s world, of ‘his’ world as I created this entire ‘ideal’ of who he was until I got to know him quite well to discover it obviously wasn’t so, the ‘real truth’ of him of myself eventually came out to realize that it had been a relationship based on submission, on suppression – extensive so that I can see – wherein I did not speak up to point just because of fearing ‘losing’ that relationship which in the end it has to happen as it is simply not sustainable – and thus we stopped it, it would mostly end up with both being fired-up in flames and me going out of his house – same point repeated later on so yes I did have a huge timeloop within that point in trying to ‘fix’ him and the entire relationship which is virtually impossible when the other person is definitely Not willing at all to see Self Honestly at oneself – not even the ‘relationship’ but being self honest with himself.
So the relationship in itself contains the points of: wanting to be part of someone else’s world which is simply the mind trying to have a point of relationship to ‘keep existing’, the point of ‘companion’ which is in itself the fear of loneliness which we both covered up with the relationship - and the point of let’s call it ‘rubbing each other’s egos’ and kind of enhancing our ability to inflate our egos really as I would ‘adore’ his music and he would ‘adore’ my pictures and art stuff – so we became completely dependent on each other to ‘create’ in a certain way, we became that constant energy ‘engine’ to ‘keep creating myself’ and viceversa as this was confirmed by him on how I was his ‘inspiration’ like a reason to be better every day and I did the same for him which is obvious and blatant separation! I placed myself outside of myself as a ‘reason’ to be, as my ‘inspiration’, as a separate requirement of energy as getting feedback from him – it was ‘him’ that mattered only – to keep going –
He some times said how he had pushed himself to be a better person because of me, which I then told that he had to do that for himself but, it was quite obvious he didn’t really love himself even if he said so otherwise he would’ve stopped using all types of drugs to get to know the limits of his mind
So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation within relationship as placing another as a point/source of ‘inspiration’ to become something-someone ‘better’ than who I am based on fulfilling and creating an idea on myself based on the personality that I created for myself and that which I wanted to be – within this submitting my own self acceptance and self trust on to another which is unacceptable.
Suppression was existent wherein I played the ‘reserved’ and ‘eloquent’ one in not opening points and being frank and direct about what I experienced in that time just so that we could avoid conflict so – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ever suppress my expression in the moment within a relationship to avoid conflict – and this was proven when I finally opened up my mouth to word myself and those were the times when we would usually end up just parting ways – as we did go back and forth a couple of useless times.
Another point is how we both supported ourselves in our designs as being the ‘black sheep’ or the ‘misunderstood ones’ which is basically based on Self Acceptance which as I’ve explained before it’s a point and a reason of why I allowed myself to go into such relationships wherein I would diminish myself to be/exist for another within that co-misery partnership which lead nowhere!
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be/exist and participate with another in a partnership/relationship wherein self support was not the base foundation of it but instead the support of each other’s ego as desires, wants and needs of ‘who we want to be’ not based in what’s best for all, but what’s best for egos.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to ever yearn for another moment spent with this person because I do not allow myself to ever again place myself in a self-compromised position as being in a relationship of suppression, self abuse, commitment and submission to another just to be ‘part’ of ‘someone else’s world –
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to only value myself according to how others – or this person specifically – considered me and valued me according to me having placed value and worth on to that person as being something ‘special’ within my life and reality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ever create ‘specialness’ within myself for having been approved/validated/accepted by that person in my reality as ‘someone cool and valuable’ just so that I could ‘feel good about myself’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be in a relationship of that nature just so that I could hide and not face myself as being alone and dealing with self acceptance which I delegated as being another’s duty to do for me – I do not accept and allow myself to ever place Self-Acceptance in the eyes/words/judgments of anyone else but myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shape/mold/construct the entirety of myself as that personality just so that I could fit in with the type of partners and relationships that I wanted to be in at that time –
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise the entirety of myself as my expression as how I looked, what I wore just to create an entire personality that would seem attractive for those that I wanted to ‘get’ as partners – which is indicating how manipulative I actually was to ‘get what I wanted’ which is then self-deception to the T. Very specific, and wherein
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe myself to be ‘good’ and ‘cool’ for achieving my actual ‘goals’ of getting to have the people I wanted to be with in my life through manipulating myself and others to get what I wanted and thus ‘feeling good about myself’ as being wanted/desired back by that which I had ‘targeted’ as ‘who/what I want’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others in order to make believe that I am that which they ‘want’ and thus getting them to be in the place ‘where I want them’ and ‘how I want them’ –
Because in the end that’s what happened, I would feel ‘good’ to then have them ‘secured’ and basically the point that enhanced my ego which was also the turning point of saying I Stop is when being told by this guy how he wasn’t interested any more in any other women and he wanted to just be with me – so, that was like ‘the dream come true’ for me and I obviously then knew THAT is what I had to stop and give up – which I did, it had gotten to that peak of man, being completely up for just settling things down with me or something and so that was the moment where I realized it had to stop – with an entire world of resistances to do that because it was ‘what I wanted’ and desired and basically planned and worked for a long time – so it was like having to say No to my ‘precious’ lol, as simple as that.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe and think that someone else is the only motivator I can have to be something/someone in my life- that is ultimate fuckedupness yes but that’s what’s existent as this relationship construct that I’m opening up, how we go creating this dependency on another to develop oneself and not doing it for Ourselves unconditionally – that’s just not acceptable.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still have any remains of giving value or caring for what he or anyone else related to him can say/think/believe about myself in this current moment in my reality – I stop that which is clearly indicating that I am still giving him and others any type of value about ‘what they say’ about myself – even if they do or don’t lol it doesn’t matter at all – Who I am is here as life and there is nothing o no-one’s opinions and beliefs and judgments upon myself that I could ever give value to at all. I stop that fantastic delusion of wondering ‘what he thinks of myself’ and give any value or care at all.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to care or give any type of importance within my world as what anything or anyone can think or say about me as a point to create myself which indicates self trust is not yet fully here as myself wherein I still accept and allow myself to pay attention to judgments or opinions or wondering about such points coming from people ‘in my past’ – anyone literally – and accordingly ‘see myself’ which is unacceptable.
I accept myself her as Self Trust wherein I realize that nothing anyone can say/believe/think about myself can influence me as it is all about me, my process and whatever I do I am the only one that faces the consequences of my actions – no one else – within this I take Self Responsibility within the creation of myself, the continuation of myself as this self-commitment for life and thus making sure that I do not allow myself to fall for these type of points from here on in my reality.
Another point of that relationship construct is being conflictive which obviously lead to then the obvious relationship bullshit playouts wherein one has to give in to just ‘solve the problem’ by speaking it out yes, but also solving it the usual ways which I don’t require to explain.
Self Value is another point wherein within seeing myself ‘existing for him only’ I actually delegated my entire time and life to ‘be with him’ and just play that companion wherein I allowed myself to be manipulated to believe that I was doing ‘good stuff’ while and when being with him and wherein I would manipulate him back to also do the things that I wanted to do so it was a mutual compromise that was disguised with ‘having a cool time’ which it was if we remove the entire structure of acceptances and allowances to make that ‘enjoyment’ any type of actual enjoyment and something that is actually supportive – it wasn’t as it was based in complying to each other, smoking weed, compromising ourselves wherein even if we did spend a long time together, we would still not be fully open about certain things in fear of ‘hurting’ each other – which is simply allowing fear to be the directive point instead of self.
So, ‘Fear’ also played another role wherein we experienced having to ‘keep up to’ each others expectations and thus manipulating ourselves – foolishly enough both doing so – to fit each other’s expectations which at the end of it all started to reveal and thus show how we had lied to ourselves to keep/maintain the energy-lationship going.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to greatly fear being judged by him and by expressing myself openly about what I saw and experienced and thus
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain quiet throughout that to not create conflict and the inevitable and consequential separation that would be the outflow of and when exposing the lies that we had lived as well as the inevitable manifestation of that constant fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having existed ins uch constant fear of losing that relationship, losing any relationship which then leads to self-compromise to suppress any point just to ‘make things work’ and ‘keep going’ because of fearing having to end a relationship which is actually what’s best for all when there is a point that’s not here working for both equally –
I mean back then we manipulated ourselves to believe that being with one another was doing ‘good’ to each other and giving value to that energy that we fed upon and gave to each other to keep building not ourselves as being individuals that are able to be independent in self trust and self value, no – but simply re-creating and enhancing the dependency on to each other which is what created that ‘strong binding force’ which is simply a co-dependency to a great extent, to an obsessive state which we both faced within the relationship and thus faced the ‘withdrawal’ after it as well.
The ‘Reflection’ point is also existent within this relationship wherein I now see how all that I thought of him even at that time was what I thought of myself – the entire point of self-love and self loathing going up and down, that affable appearance yet at times really just wanting to say fuck-you all and shut down – essentially having a ginormous ego that we fed and we kind of became stronger when being together but not as self-supportive ‘strength’ as best for all! but as an actual unbeatable ego-pair that would be imperative on to others, a sense of ‘power’ that I experienced within that, being able to meet anyone and being just respected because of being with him – him earning this reputation by that constant ego-creation that not many could bare either lol.
So I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe myself to be strong and enjoying that sense of ‘power’ or ‘recognition’ when being without ever realizing it was all a bubble inflated with any actual foundation as myself, but simply existing in the air as that ‘idea’, that mental-personality creation and projection of myself as ‘who I wanted to be’ and thus simply moving myself as that ego/personality completely dependent on another
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be completely depending on another for my own self-stability, self-value, self-worth, self acceptance and self recognition –
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to timeloop in the past with the same point in the same conditions and ending it all in the same way just to prove to myself that I cannot ‘fix’ anyone or anything that is simply done and thus
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever exist in any desire to go back to any relationship to any ‘past point’ that I know beforehand didn’t work out due to allowing thoughts of ‘hope’ within me as there maybe being any ‘possible change’ which is the mind as that ego wanting its energy-source back in track to keep going which is not acceptable, not real and thus I stop that completely here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my mind to go into the thought of him, wondering/thinking and creating an energetic curiosity around that point which is simply me as the mind directing me to that point of wanting/needing/desiring a relationship epitomized within the idea of that particular person due to that being having been the first relationship in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still wanting to ‘hide’ that curiosity as wanting to create any opportunity to meet him or see him just to see him and how he is which is simply the mind taking on that single point to keep myself within that single construct of relationship and everything that I was which is not here as myself at all anymore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having being able to fully let go of him which is in essence not the person itself, but the entire relationship construct which is simply that point of wanting/needing/requiring another to co-exist as the mind, delegating that point of support with another to feel ‘good’ about myself.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that most of what I achieved back then was only thanks to him within this diminishing myself as not fully recognizing and valuing and worth myself as who I am as life as what I have done which here is now simply directed towards myself as self-acceptance as all as one and equal, always directed to/towards what’s best for all with no hidden personal desires or agenda to fulfill a simple ego-ride.
Self-Acceptance is another point represented in this – wherein I used the relationship to be accepted with another that was also not willing to face himself and accept himself fully so in essence supporting each other’s bubble – and within this I see that I have to focus on myself and my experience which is how I used to simply have him as a point I could go to whenever I couldn’t bare myself, whenever I felt alone or would want to simply escape as he represented that “freedom” as being able to smoke with him and just forget/suppress all that I was actually experiencing in my reality at that time, which then formed the double-helix of the relationship based on fake-love and understanding/sex with weed-consumption which I then repeated later on in the next relationship. So in essence repeating that pattern of wanting to escape from this reality through that relationship –through those relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store and cherish these memories to ‘rejoice’ in a mentally-created experience of ‘who I am’ as the memories of such relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly just wanting to sleep and stop it all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I’ve gone through a lot of pain because of this which is self created as it was rooted in that self-infatuation and obsession within and as a relationship thus
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allow myself to project blame as something/someone being the cause of my own ‘pain’ within that when it’s obviously actually ALL self-created by me only – nothing else.
I really thought that after almost 3 years he would be gone of my mind, surprisingly enough I spent more than half of my life wanting and desiring that specific relationship which is then the amount of time that it took me to create the ideal, live with that ideal, get rid of the ideal and get to live with no ideal as this entire relationship fucked up construct as it was ever again – but to simlply direct myself within myself first to stop all lingering points to that in any form, establish that point of aloneness as myself to get back on my two feet again within this point and thus direct myself to just continue an whenever possible, establish an actual agreement of self support not ever allowing myself to fall into these same points explained all over above again.
So, I breathe and let go of it because I have deemed that as ‘the love of my life’ which is absolutely bs considering what it entailed and the extent of self abuse I allowed within myself in all my relationships so, that was it. Lol proving yet again how Love is Self Abuse and total self compromise when basing our life as dependent on other and others thoughts and judgments and opinions and beliefs upon yourself as ‘who you are’ and then having to keep up to that idea for yourself which becomes unsustainable as it’s all based in keeping that balloon/bubble floating in the air becoming bigger and bigger by being inflated with each others’ compliments as energy which then inevitably has to burst to bring all back to the ground and ground ourselves, create ourselves as independent individuals, as beings that have the ability to exist as self-trust, an agreement with SELF first which is what I obviously didn’t have then, didn’t even consider possible, to be my own acceptance, to be that point of self-love, self appreciation, self-worth according to what I am here living as myself, according to what I am currently directing myself to and towards which is the entire Self Realization point of who we are as Life which is definitely getting rid of all unnecessary trauma and bullshit that relationships bring around and that we foolishly fully engage in because of it being an accepted and allowed thing in society, it is ‘how things are’ and thus ‘what everyone does’ which is nothing but just another point that keeps the entire deception of this world as ourselves based on the type of bullshit and SElf Abuse that we exist as starting and beginning within our own relationships –
All of that is simply unacceptable and thus we are Here to stop that, to stop the entire deception existent as relationships, to stop co-dependency as ‘who we are’ and to stop all types of fears related to individuals standing alone having no relationships but instead existing within that self-agreement to be able to stand alone no matter what as well as with another/others in an Equality Agreement for life – not to feed each other’s inflated ego-balloons/bubbles but to actually exist here in alignment with who we are as LIFE as something that isn’t desire/want/need/fears/judgments/opinions/values according to all of what we used to define ourselves as in the past – that’s just gone, not here anymore and thus I allow myself to see this relationship point for what it was, stopping any judgment towards this allowance of immersing myself within it to see once again that which I cannot allow myself to become a prey of, to be bound to and to ever seek again even with a single thought because in that thought, dependency is formed and the moment that such dependency exists as myself as the mind which is not who I am
So, we stand here and direct ourselves as equals to never again re-create the patterns of self enslavement sugar coated as ‘relationships’ wherein disguises are wore to keep the engine running – We stop that and we establish who we are as Life here in every moment that we do not accept and allow ourselves to fall in any point of self-enslavement through dependency on another and to realize that who we are can only co-exist, co-work, live together in Equality – never to satisfy anyone’s egos.
Thanks for reading.