Being in relationships the holds of our personalities –
I can see back when I began process how I tried to suit my relationships into the new ‘me’ and I definitely walked the point of promoting knowledge and information that I was barely getting to grasp at that stage which obviously lead people in my world to simply cut all ties with me which was something I realized I had to do as within analyzing the very existence of such relationships, it would’ve been actually more difficult to try and keep those relationships while walking this process – while listening to Sunette’s interview on relationships I first had a second thought on how I had proceeded towards my then ‘friends’ when beginning process - both prominent relationships ‘blew up’ in one single moment which I see that going back would still lead to the same outcome –
Now at the moment there isn’t a particular person I can relate to in my physical world and it’s probably been now the longest time since 8 years ago that I haven’t created a relationships as friendship or anything else with another for a long period of time.
I got a call from that last ‘ex friend’ but I simply didn’t answer or call back for various reasons of how when I saw him he’s rather drifting off too much into his own experiences – yet again – and so realize that everything I ever shared with him writh regards to supporting himself, self forgiveness, writing, sharing, breathing was flushed down the toilette – so that’s mainly what got me to simply say no today to see him – the same with ex-bf that I had have some encounters with, I realize I can’t ‘be’ in his world right now for relationship matters so –
My mother told me the other day that my uncle and aunt – family members that I could relate to – were getting kind of worried about myself being ‘detaching’ too much from the family since I got back – but everytime I go back to that judgment I see it as well yes I have detached yet I am not getting high or getting lost somewhere to not face my reality, I am actually spending time ‘with others’ through the internet to support myself and others equally – that’s it but I see how I also created a detachment as when I came back from SA and went to visit them and told them my plans ahead, they were far too pessimistic kind of warning me of not becoming too ‘public’ or ‘in the open’ as people were/are getting shot when they are too explicit in their perspectives and opinions so I said that wasn’t a problem – we have to speak no matter what and seriously, whenever I try to find a reason to fear dying, I can’t find it at the moment – sure some ‘nice moments’ pop up in my head but that’s all they are memories and they have to be stored and brought up with energy, that’s all, it’s a limited reality of myself, not real, not here at all.
Then there’s my family and as I was having an exchange of perspectives on this point with regards to family members with Lindsay, I realized that I wasn’t fully clear with regards to how I stand – I see that I’ve been holding an idea as judgment towards my sister, like a disillusionment towards her and this is due to hearing her speak about others – mostly shit – and she’s pregnant and that triggered a reaction of fearing that girl growing up just as any other person in this city that is born in a golden crib not knowing the actual reality of this world, losing all sense of hereness by being fed with ‘ideas’ of how she has to be – I mean this is all obviously my imagination but had to point it out as I’ve been having these thoughts of how could it would be to be able to be involved in a kid’s education to then support them to self-realize I mean, kids are the actual future, kids Get it quicker tahn anyone else as Children are unconditional in their expression – and hearing her talking like that triggered reactions that have to be clarified
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge against my sister and not wanting to see her or participate with her for now because of hearing how she expresses herself about others in a rather detrimental way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a predefined idea towards my sister based on hearing her words and accordingly judge her and create a separation within ourselves which is actually only existing at a thought-level as a memory – nothing else so, I realize that I cannot change the fate of that child – every person will face their own creation equal and one and thus I don’t allow myself to worry about an upcoming child being bursting woman’s fountains.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to load back this memory when seeing my sister as a way that then limits myself as ‘how I see here’ which is in essence not supportive for myself or her as it only exists as separation, further one. I have talked so many times about what we do and process that any fuckup we can simply realize comes from a deliberate point of not wanting to apply ourselves to stop the cycles of enslavement through ideas of that bother ourselves from others when in fact it can only reveal ourselves –
So I walk through that point and stopping thoughts that exist as judgments whenever I’m around me –a part of me refuses to see her as that point that I am trying to deny to myself it exists and thus learn how the actual game works to support ourselves within the emergence of points having to be faced – that’s what we are here for, that’s what we’ll face in all ways and best is to keep ourselves with records of what goes on in a day to then be able to keep track of ‘where we are’ so to speak.
I picked up 2 trees/plants that were lying on the ground and considered how many human beings had seen the tree fallen and the same with another plant and figured out that people don’t give a fuck to see a tree lying on the floor with its roots trying to keep a hold on the ground – no – the moment that such beings are disregarded as equals, they see it as ‘unnecessary ‘ – Seeing ourselves as everything else can only reflect back to ourselves what we do, what we don’t do –
so, I am here to stop the judgments that I realize appear in the form of memories towards people and thus
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the seclusion of everyone I’ve ever been related to in keeping them in their mind bubble and thus supporting their ego instead of supporting life and within this I assist and support myself to walk through these points wherein I realize I cannot be the ‘final judge’ towards anything or anyone – I can only assess what I’ve done, what I haven’t don – simple as that.
This is it for now – thanks for reading