Relationships and Addictions

I opened up a point today in relation to weed and the entire process of having stood up from that dependency and who I am in relation to it now, which in itself is something that I had seen as widely explored so to speak but when being asked about it today, I realized that I probably don’t have such document or post where I explain in detail the point and entire process of stopping relationships and all of that.

So I decided to make vlog – not yet uploaded- about this point and noticed that from the moment I placed myself to talk about this, an Intense nose-itching came up, really intense I mean I had gotten these type of sudden itch on my nose before but never to this extent and I had to literally stop from recording the first one and then start again but then saw it wasn’t going to just stop so you’ll see me scratching my nose at various times – funny though how I also would say ‘noise’ instead of nose – and even as I’m writing this out a slight itchiness is coming through so I’ll simply continue.

So yes I’ve shared how I’ve stood up from that point in quitting the addiction and supporting myself to walk my decision basically and how the outflow of me stopping was having to stop relationships that were directly linked to me being a weed smoker – that implied giving-up or stopping the relationship ties with friends, some ‘key pieces’ in my reality as I would keep the idea of myself in place within such relationships and within that, literally ending up ‘alone’ when having to stop this separation.

I’ve had very few friends throughout my life – I get along with most people but ‘friends’ as what it entailed very few and with most – if not with all of them -  it always ended in a ‘bad way’ wherein I would experience what betrayal/backstabbing is, and the same with any relationship really. So, I realize that relationships is one of the points that I have to walk now in complete agreement with self and never allow myself to go back to any type of relationship that is created out of me existing in a certain personality/ego/idea of self that must ‘keep up’ to the expectations of others to maintain a relationship for the sake of the amount of ‘specialness’ and ‘value’ that I placed on to such relationships

– I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a relationship in fear of losing that point of self-definition as ‘who I am’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to equalize myself to those people in my world that were using weed to be part of their world and equal to them within their state of mind and habits/addictions –

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see the reality of me having indulged into weed was mostly due to seeing it as acceptable and part of many people’s lives which got me to see it as ‘normal’ and ‘natural’ to consume

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for having feared stopping weed due to it being connected to the few relationships I had and thus in essence having to give up that as myself to walk myself facing me here – I know it wasn’t’ completely required, nor is it a ‘must do’

So it became quite obvious and clear that I couldn’t maintain my relationships as they were all based on that personality that I had created for myself – I was quite affable and complacent when being high so, it was easier for me to suppress and get along with people and ‘feel part of’ the moment with other people. I got to know several beings as I mention in the video and within seeing that weed was a regular and acceptable thing for them, it because part of who I am and part of my way of socializing with others – I felt part of the moment, felt accepted, felt ‘in the same wavelength’ which then lead me to let’s say ‘marry’ even more with my habit as it became my way of feeling cool, feeling accepted, feeling that I was cared for – see how I say ‘feeling’ as in how it was all a mind perception wherein up in my head I was busy creating ‘me’ as the idea of myself that I wanted to be which required me to constantly smoke to get up ‘high’ to my creation and expectation which then obviously became unsustainable which lead to fear of losing that relationship, that idea of self to then eventually give it up/stop it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having smoked weed to feel part of the group, to feel accepted, to be considered as an ‘equal’ in the relationship due to beliefs of how ‘people that take drugs are very cool’ -  all fucked up.

What became of my life afterwards was simply me detaching from everything for a while, stopped many things in my world which I see was necessary to see ‘who I am’ within that. After some months like 9 months or so I tried to reunite with that relationship/friend having a specific thought in mind which was changing him, wanting him to realize that he had to stop just so that we could then walk the same point together which ultimately he saw and realized and made clear he didn’t want to know anything about process or self honesty or anything like that because he felt quite ‘at peace’ with himself just as he was having his life – so then it was the inevitable second break-up that time for real with no going back at all. That I realized was a timeloop I had to go through to realize that any attempt to ‘go back’ to that which belongs to the past is futile and even more so when my aim was to change another, to still preach about what I was doing and approaching the entire thing simply from a self interest point wherein I simply didn’t want to ‘lose him’ and thus going back to compromising myself once again – it didn’t last long really, it was a short return to then go back to the same spot of giving that point up.

So in those moments wherein I would be with him, him smoking, me only watching I simply felt out of place and saw myself seeing that the entire decision to be friends again had been from the wrong starting point and it only made me angry at myself because I then had to once again walk away from it and end up the entire thing.

With my friend that I lived with something similar happened as she had to endure the entire ‘changing phase’ from me stopping smoking weed, stopping my relationship with my other friend – which was quite a point to walk through as it was a great dependency – to me suddenly becoming completely detached from the usual shit we would do together which included smoking weed as primary point – and thus she had a rough time dealing with me at that time, also because that’s when the shit started hitting the fan in my world and we had several moments of conflict and fighting, one big one upon cleanliness and so the entire relationship was fractured even though I ‘really’ appreciated her – I mean when I see her it’s cool to talk with her for a while but to me it’s like revisiting the old me that I can’t relate to anymore so it’s rather done and gone – but that’s what happened and I recall once how she even cried because of me having changed and how the ‘old me’ was gone – and I couldn’t ‘feel’ anything or rather suppressed it I see but didn’t show any emotion in that moment and so she felt even more ‘out of place’ because it was like the death of me in a way wherein she was actually crying the death of the relationship as the persona she is/was towards myself –

And another friend was the only one that kind of remained around for a while and I would share with him stuff and talk about Self Forgiveness – I recently saw him and see how even though he knew in detail about it, he refuses to have anything to do with Desteni, and his life is literally extensively fucked – and none of the stuff I shared back then did he ever really apply and so he’s kind of walking the consequences of his actions which are not cool or pretty at all and even his physical appearance shocked me for a moment – so, I talked with him for a moment and realized or kept myself asking what was it that at some point ‘brought us together’ and it was through another friend that was the first friend I stopped seeing when being directly exposed to his actual mind and personality so …. many fucked up relationships I’ve had and all of them by virtue of my own ‘choice’ so to speak within the limitations that we know exist as such –

Then it was simply walking process, walking agreements or attempts thereof and still consider that I haven’t walked that point obviously and that I have to a certain extent detached myself from everyone, that is so as well. I can get along with people but haven’t been able to literally establish a cool communication point with anyone – and that’s how things are I mean it’s more common for me to judge myself thinking that I should have someone to talk to or a ‘friend’ than actually finding someone that I could share myself with so, at the moment I realize that I wouldn’t be able to exist in such relationships anymore – thoughts still come up with regards to this particular first relationship and it’s simply the mind craving for that personality to be activated, to keep existing as such and so I simply stop and continue here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-judgment for perceiving myself as ‘feeling alone’ and thus yearning/wanting for a point of company/communication which is not Here and thus I simply let go of the point to focus on myself Here – jeez what a fucked up word ‘con-pain-me’ company – come pay me, con-pa

Giving up weed signified giving up/stopping the main personality I had become, the complete idea of myself that was intricately created through these relationships that I also had to give up and with that simply facing myself fully and completely – to be dead honest I see it as quite difficult for me to see myself in any type of personal approach with someone at the moment considering my reality, it seems rather unlikely – yet I know I have to direct myself within this I am not directing myself towards this or wanting to be with someone/get along with someone in that ‘frame’ and I’ll simply focus on myself for now – so that it doesn’t matter if or when the time comes to share myself with someone there is only me walking with another and not me walking into the life of another or me wanting to please another or me walking with another because of being too desperate to not be ‘alone’ –lol I am a ‘weedower’ and the point to work with is to not go into loneliness or any type/form of depression for being alone or for not having friends as I in essence won’t ever have ‘friends’ as such anymore but simply getting along with beings that stand equal to myself which means people working with themselves would be the ideal- not here yet so I stop any desire for that and simply walk here – sharing myself, interacting with others in process through here is cool support and that’s what’s important I’d say to not give up that point of communication at all, it’s the other way around actually, developing ways to communicate equal and one with people in our reality, in the physical or not – the point is exchanging words and within that supporting ourselves to see ‘who we are’ towards that.

So this is also part of the point that I began writing yesterday wherein I opened up the point of relationships because this was definitely directly linked to relationships as relationships = people that smoked weed so, that’s how my entire relationship realm had to fall and be stopped as it wasn’t supporting myself.

I also realize that after I tried changing my friends and wanting to open their eyes and in all cases got blunt rejections from that ever happening, I am still open to be able to support them if it is required in any way – they are all aware of what I’m walking and they simply see themselves as incapable of applying this to themselves but, who knows so I am open for that and willing to support if they ever realize they require to do something for themselves and deciding to apply self support just as anyone else that can approach Desteni to support themselves.

It was actually cool when discussing this entire weed point with Talamon when being at the farm because he’s able to still go to places where people are doing drugs, and still have fun without participating in drugs – he still keeps close contact with people on drugs and he simply remains the same, still able to enjoy himself so that’s something that moved me into wanting to experience that, being in this world but not of this world

For now this is it, a walking living process ahead to face this point later on.

thanks for reading


About Marlen

I share my realizations and perspectives within learning how to live life in self-honesty in the Desteni Process to expand and grow as a person in this world. #IMatter View all posts by Marlen

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