I read this word and in the following topic http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?f=91&t=19734&p=138565#p138565 and I saw that the meaning of it wasn’t clear for me and that it was rather linked to a memory wherein one of my cousins told me that I was very vulnerable – in that moment I was around 11 years old, I didn’t understand the meaning of the world but understood it within the context of being easily bothered/vexed/annoyed by others – which suits the personality I was busy developing as being rather ‘delicate’ at times.
So, vulnerable – first of all the word I connect with ‘vulva’ and thus a complete opening of threads of information open up due to cultural-links of the vulva using a word that means like ‘slashed/cut’ which is the word that macho-men use to dare each other to do something ‘brave’ and ‘manly’ thus in essence making reference to ‘being a woman’ as being ‘weak’, as being ‘delicate’, as being ‘not brave enough’, as being ‘fearful’, ‘sentimental’ and all that semantic group wherein you get the idea of women being more sentimental and ‘fragile’ than men.
So, when I read the word, the memory popped up – I wrote some self forgiveness for all as one as equal in the post but realized I had to bring back the word into my own context in relation to this memory that had defined the meaning of the word ‘vulnerable’ and thus having literally rejected to live the word due to linking it to being ‘softy’, to being ‘fearful’, to being ‘fragile’ and easily vexed – in essence, an easy target for people’s judgments to be taken ‘seriously’.
It’s quite fascinating that only now I am accessing such memories and remembering that. And I say so as well because I was working today in walking my SRA process and I am certainly going to be working precisely with these type of definitions that I tested out as part of one the mind-physical network manifestations that we’re busy walking at this stage.
So back to that memory – I see that in such moment when this cousin said ‘Oh you’re so vulnerable Marlen’ I didn’t reply anything – I can’t remember if I did ask him what the word meant even though his starting point was simply to vex me – I was an easy target for that type of stuff, and that’s how I probably also became the counterpart, as to stand up to such soft-bullying moments I spent mostly with my cousins – interesting that I didn’t remember this.
What’s required to be done is to apply Self Forgiveness to clear that memory directly related to such memory that stands as the description above so that then I can live vulnerability as myself and completely stop associating it with something ‘negative’ or even ‘offensive’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘vulnerable’ with something offensive, something negative and as a pejorative.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having refuse to be vulnerable just because of associating this word to the particular specific memory of my cousin defining me as ‘vulnerable’ where it meant that I am ‘weak’, ‘sensitive’, easily-vexed and an easy target for bullying.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to preserve such experience as the direct meaning of the word vulnerable and as such seeing it as a word that I can’t live as myself and that can’t be applied in equality – when in fact, it is only due to me not fully grasping the meaning of the word that I couldn’t live it before as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever give worth and value to the definitions that other have or might’ve created about me and thus diminishing myself to what they think/believe and perceive myself to be instead of realizing that who I am can’t be changed in essence due to people’s words/opinions/judgments
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe myself as weak and thus as not capable of standing up to subtle forms of abuse
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the position as being ‘too innocent’ wherein others would then be able to use that as a form of bullying towards myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then believe that they were bothering me because they were jealous of myself – lol
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create myself as the entire opposite based on an energetic counterpart towards ‘delicate’, ‘innocent’, ‘naive’ and the then misunderstood word ‘vulnerable’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself since then to deny myself as being vulnerable and avoiding using the word due to the negative connotation that I had perceived it to be existing as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then fear being seen as ‘weak’, as ‘delicate’, as ‘softy’, as ‘naive’ and thus as an easy target for abuse.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to remain in separation of the word vulnerable due to not understanding the meaning of it properly and thus having simply opted to separate myself from the word, to not live it and not relate it to myself due to the ingrained memory of such moment wherein I got tagged as ‘vulnerable’ and thus equating that to being ‘offended’.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the word vulnerable to vulva and thus to ‘rajarse’ which is the word in spanish that I got to know the entire meaning of as a cultural-use to denigrate women and seeing them as ‘not brave’, ‘softy’, ‘fearful’, ‘easily hurt’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having existed as that fear of ‘being hurt’ which can only exist the moment I accept myself to be a definition of a word that I’ve misunderstood and thus not properly equated as who I am and can be as what’s best for all – but instead hide and suppress the memory so that I wouldn’t have to ever be defined as ‘vulnerable again’
The mind works in such ways that it’s easy to lose track of stuff to face because it’s more comfortable to live with stuff being buried six feet underground than having to face it as what is here – this is thus then what we have to open up because it is through these memories that we have created ourselves and in this case, within a misunderstanding of the word itself.
So – redefining Vulnerable as the ability to live and express myself openly, to share myself unconditionally within Self Trust as myself as Life wherein I realize that no one can ‘hurt’ my feelings as I do not define myself by feelings, no one can hurt my ‘ego’ as I do not define myself as an ‘ego’ of thoughts/emotions/feelings as the entire energetic body I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
Who I am as Life is able to be expressed openly in consideration of what’s best for all at all times and thus allowing myself to be vulnerable as the ability to relate myself with myself and others as equals to finally stand without any self-imposed limitations
To live we require to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to exist as that unconditional point of sharing, exposing and within that liberating ourselves from our self-imposed boundaries.
This though has to come not from a starting point of rebelling oneself, but as an acceptance of who we are as Life – Life has no limitation to be shared, Life is Here, Life is Equal for all – being vulnerable as life means equal communication- as the common-factor that is existent within everything that is Here which is Life.
I accept and allow myself to be vulnerable to express myself and live in equality as Life – no fears, no self-judgment, no self-definitions .- here as life as equals.
Okay – this is it for now thanks