I’ve been looking at possibilities to get my credits straight as I am entering the last part of my career and in that, I see how I have been directing myself more to deal with the usual offices and people that I would’ve usually run away from – meaning the school’s procedures, bureaucrats, etc. Now I simply direct the points, moving around, asking people, going here and there, finding information about the final process to take on to obtain the degree once I get to finish my credits.
These past two days have been a bit hectic as I realize that the system has no mercy – meaning, once the date to create any type of paper-work, any application for exam, credit, subject changing –there is no turning back and there is no way to fix it – when it’s done and gone then that’s it, and there’s no going back which is something that I hadn’t considered. This might seem obvious for many, but in this country one is usually able to plea for a change and it can be done, some others get as far as paying to not even go through the entire career and only getting the title – so, yes extensive corruption yet I would accept the subtle manipulation/corruption as a way to ‘get what I want’ which is now way more controlled from that perspective. So now is me realizing ‘that’s how things are’ for now and simply having to walk through it as we can’t virtually do anything but make sure we do our part on time.
I am facing Manifested Consequences for my initial indecision to take the credits that I will now have to solve later on – and yes having taken one year off without saying anything has disabled me the opportunity to get an automatic title due to having good-grades. Fuck, lol – that would’ve saved me the entire thesis process but hell, I wouldn’t change that year for that at all.
So – I see how there is a preoccupation emerging and as I write the word preoccupation I remember my grandmother who would be over-preoccupied in her life – completely eaten by worry and woe so I realize that I have to stop such unnecessary preoccupation as no matter what, I can only focus on getting my part done – meaning working on my thesis and delivering it when its done- I just wrote as fast as I can but I realize that’s containing some rush there so, I correct it here in the moment and realizing that this ‘rush’ must stop as even if I can finish it right away, I still have 6 months afterwards of social service to walk through as well as waiting for the final exam, and other paperwork that takes some months. That’s bureaucracy in the National University – but anyways, that can be virtually anywhere else.
So, I saw this old ‘friend’ that I met at the beginning of my career and whom I used to have a close relationship with and he explained how he’s desperate, still trying to ‘find his way’ to finish the credits at school – he’s still owing some credits, he didn’t take one year off – as I did – and he hasn’t simply managed to get it done and he explained how it was mostly an emotional turmoil that he’d allow himself to get into within which he basically didn’t allow him to direct himself and instead be directed by his turmoil. And so I shared my current experience in looking for ways to get it simply done and how I go walking the points as in facing my responsibility, walking ‘through it’ because I am well aware that this is simply something that I have to ‘get done’ just as any other systematic thing/requirement.
So, within explaining that he was quite ‘astounded’ at my records and how I am getting things done and asked how I manage to keep myself together, how do I manage to remain that stable – and so I explained how first of all was stopping that following of thoughts and emotions that simply create this instability that we eventually get driven by instead of us directing ourselves here – and so within that realizing that we are fucking ourselves up when we give attention to such ‘states of being’ instead of simply walking the points, getting it done.
Who am I within this and within other single events wherein I’ve had teachers saying I am worthy of being a teacher-assistant – who are the usual students that later on become the teachers of such subjects – and so forth – and that specific comment I sensed and received as ‘uplifting’ within the frame of the self definition I’ve lived by most of my life as ‘the example’ of good-student and getting the best grades possible etc - lol yet it all being completely irrelevant as they aren’t even good for me to at least be able to have any benefits from that but anyways… the deal is I’ve taken this for granted, I haven’t allowed myself to recognize my effort and discipline within that – as I live it as myself but then again people, most of the people aren’t actually able to stick to that which I’ve always found awkward as for example if you are a student then your responsibility is to study/walk school until it is done and do it the best way possible –
and this applies for everything. If you are working then your responsibility is to get things done in the best way possible and that’s it – that’s how things should be and within setting one’s own standard like that as a way of living, it becomes really hard to allow oneself to ‘fall’ within that, because it’s become ‘who you are’ wherein one does not realize what we do or how it is that our application is more effective in our real world when only some other points as ‘other people’ are taken as a reference.
Are-T – Beingness with precission – that’s how I can define now an Aretist lol – that’s cool eh, always aiming for Self-Perfection ‘outside of themselves’ as creations – though I am redefining this word as myself as any being that can walk this beingness in full dedication to Life, to being/becoming Self Perfection as Life and thus walking everything to the T – to the utmost degree that we are capable and able of being and living as- becoming the example of how we can direct ourselves to be and become effective, living beings and expressive as life. For that, we all have quite a way to go but I find it cool to share these points because it represents in itself breaking the tendency of myself to shift through polarities of wanting to ‘belittle myself’ in fear of being seen as ‘superior’ and racing from ‘wanting recognition’ to ‘wanting to be unseen’ which is fucked up- all existent as self definitions that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as and thus within this, what applies for all is
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within a certain personality/persona of myself that I’ve created in polarity, going from one pole to the other as a form of identification with and as patterns which we are here to simply Stop for the Best of All Life as Equals – and within this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting myself as the entirety of who I am beyond ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and simply direct myself within common sense, within seeing that who I am cannot be measured by good and bad and that only my actions can reflect what I stand for here.
Only the Ego of the mind shifts through polarities as definitions and concerns about how it is perceived by others. Who I am simply directs, lives and takes self responsibility –
Points to work with then is worrying unnecessarily, really there’s no point for it and as I write it and look at myself imagining the concern/worry that might show in my face when talking about all that which we have to walk to get our title in place, lol, it’s really unnecessary.
Another point I saw is how I do allow myself to have fun/express with beings in school – there’s this openness as that single ability to talk to anyone and open up a point of conversation and that’s about it – like when people smile at you whenever they see you lol that’s awkward and the thought of ‘people that seem smiley and affable are often the entire opposite’ has come up quite few times already today with different beings lol- but that applies obviously towards myself as I used to be the all-smiley person trying to be liked by people to create an easy-bridge with beings, to avoid being disliked, to be accepted, to be considered as a ‘nice person’ and all of that – much of it learned as a coping mechanism for societal skills from my family, lol the all-time smiley faces.
And so within this I see how many times I hid fear, I hid anxiety, I hid judgment, I stood as hypocrisy many times that I would smile just to get by with another while the other person was probably doing the exact same mechanism which has become a coping mechanism, to avoid conflicts, to ‘play safe’ as well as all of the above mentioned reasons.
Smiley faces – one cannot deny one genuine self-expression smile from a pre-fab one.
So when I realized that I stopped smiling in that automated way and only allow myself to smile when I actually wanted to smile as an expression of myself in the moment and stopped smiling to all people I see on the way – when I see someone smiling back first then I make a gesture as recognizing the ‘greet’ but, sometimes I simply don’t allow myself to compromise myself that way.
Lol the thought that comes is ‘man, how is anyone going to be benefitted from reading this’ but I am simply clarifying this for myself due to the points that opened up today wherein me standing as myself in my world allows me to then see that within unconditionally supporting myself I am by default supporting others as myself, and so I focus on that.
Okay that’s it for now, I allowed myself to talk, to have some fun, to get things done, to reply to people, to realize I must not worry unnecessarily, to keep walking till all of this as the entire school point is done, without unnecessarily rushing and simply considering myself to ground myself here as the physical whenever I see myself rolling too much around the mind.